Every month the NiceDay blog focuses on a certain theme. In August this was the theme “Processing life changing events”.

During our lives there will always be events, large or small, that we have to deal with. Usually, we can easily process these events on our own; it may take some time, but we are capable of doing it. Other events can be so traumatic that we need a little help. Would you like to read more about this subject? We have listed all recently published blogs for you:

Losing a job evokes different emotions; disappointment, frustration, sadness and anger. In her blog, NiceDay psychologist Maaike talks about her experience with losing her job. She explains how she dealt with it and provides you tips for coping with job loss.

In her monthly blog, experience expert Ghyta discusses her fear of life choices. Why is she so anxious and what does this do to her? How do you process this fear?

Feeling down or sad doesn’t always have to do with one specific event. There are many different factors that can affect how you feel. NiceDay psychologist Sarah discusses processing in a holistic way.

Emotions play a major role in our lives and processing emotions is an important process. When this goes wrong, we can suffer from it in the long run. But how does emotional processing work?

You have about 40,000 thoughts every day. Most of your thoughts are unconscious and it is difficult to process all these thoughts. One of the ways to slow down this flow of thought, is to write. But why is writing good for you?

Are you a perfectionist, but does it bother you because it gets in the way of your daily life? Then check out this article, it might be able to help you!

Mark was very depressed, and after his fear of falling short was confirmed by his wife, he lost all confidence and faith in himself. He shares his experience with help through NiceDay and explains how he processed his feelings.

Change, we often aren’t too fond of it. However, sooner or later we all go through big changes in our lives. How do you deal with this and how do you process these changes? Martijn explains it in his blog.

Sometimes finding your own way in life and your career just goes without saying. Sometimes, the next step needs a little more attention, for example when you unexpectedly lose your job. Ard takes you through the processing of such an event and the process of finding your own way.

When you experience one or more shocking events and / or if you have witnessed such a shocking event, trauma can arise. If a trauma is not processed, it can cause problems in dealing with yourself and others. But how do you deal with a trauma?

Many people, sooner or later, have to deal with major life events and everyone processes these events differently. Often you will be able to cope with major events independently, but sometimes you can experience something that is so shocking that it is difficult to give it a place. For example, witnessing or experiencing a robbery, an accident, abuse, a nasty divorce, harassment, dismissal or the death of a loved one

When you experience one or more shocking events and / or if you have witnessed such an event, trauma can arise. If a trauma is not processed properly, it can cause issues dealing with yourself and others. But how do you process a trauma?

Physical and psychological complaints

There are a number of physical and psychological complaints that can arise as a result of a trauma. You may notice that you are having trouble sleeping, that you are suffering from nightmares or that you are ‘reliving’ your trauma. You may become scared and withdrawn, or aggressive and angry. In addition, you can feel guilty, be constantly tense and no longer enjoy the things you previously liked. The trauma imposes itself on you, and you begin to notice that it affects your functioning in daily life. If you identify with any of the above characteristics, it is important to read more about trauma processing.

Trauma processing

Everyone copes with trauma in their own way. How the trauma is processed also depends on the severity of your trauma and your individual characteristics. Below I will discuss a number of ways of processing a trauma.

1. Psychoeducation

In short, psychoeducation is information about the complaints that you experience. Reading trauma-related psychoeducation will give you a better idea of ​​what is going on. For example, you will learn about how a trauma can be expressed. Further reading may help you understand your behaviors and thoughts better. Reading experience stories can also be valuable. You can feel understood and follow the advice given by others.

2. Visual therapy

Talking about trauma is incredibly difficult. Some succeed, but some don’t. If talking about trauma is too big a step for you, you could give visual therapy a chance. Through visual therapy you can give form to and visualize your experiences. With different materials such as paint, clay, textiles or pencils, work can be created. Through visual therapy you can gain insight, process the trauma and, moreover, it can improve cognitive and / or physical functioning.

3. Psychotherapy

You can follow psychotherapy in group form or one-on-one. In a safe environment you will talk about the trauma with your professional. It is important to know that you decide on how much you want to share about your experience. You can indicate your limits at any time.

4. EMDR

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy that has been proven to be effective in the processing of traumatic experiences. This type of therapy ensures that the intensity and emotional charge of a bad experience and memory decreases.

Seek support

We as humans are social animals, and we need each other. This is especially true after experiencing trauma. You may not feel like it, but try to reach out to your loved ones anyway. Indicate what you expect from them. Is it a listening ear? Is it a hug? You deserve to be supported and heard. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Are you or someone close to you dealing with an (unresolved) trauma and do you need personal help or advice? Don’t hesitate to get in touch with a NiceDay professional.

Emotions play a huge role in our lives, and processing them correctly is very important. When something goes wrong, we can experience difficulties in the long run. But how does emotional processing work? Below you can read more about the process and what can go wrong.

Emotional Processing Theory

Almost 50 years ago Edna Foa and Michael Kozak developed a theory to explain emotional processing: the Emotional Processing Theory. Your brain saves everything you experience as a ‘program’. When you encounter a similar situation later on, the corresponding program will be activated. This program makes sure your brain knows what to do. In order for this program to work adequately, there is some essential information needed. This is an example of the information that is programmed during an encounter with a wild bear:

  • Signal: Seeing a wild bear
  • Physical reaction: An increased heart rate
  • Meaning: A bear is dangerous!
  • Response: A fast heart rate means I’m afraid

Because this information is readily available in your brain, you can react fast and flee or hide. In this situation your emotions are helpful, and this is seen as a helpful reaction. 

Problematic reactions

When such an automatic reaction occurs when it’s not needed, they become problematic. A reaction becomes problematic in the following situations:

  • The information is not an accurate representation of reality.
  • Physical symptoms and fear reactions are caused by something harmless.
  • The fear reactions interfere with daily functioning.
  • Harmless signals and responses are seen as dangerous.

These kind of situations are common for people with anxiety or traumatic symptoms. For example, a phobia of spiders, where something relatively harmless can cause an extreme reaction of fear. Or, if shortness of breath becomes a signal to panic. But also thoughts about a traumatic event can lead to an unnecessary fearful reaction, because it feels like the event is happening again.

When you want to change a problematic reaction, there are two requirements: the emotion needs to be activated, so that the old and incorrect information can to be replaced with new realistic information. That means you need to face your fears in order to be able to decrease them. And that’s actually counterintuitive!

NiceDay

Try describing what kind of typical situations you react to with an emotion that’s (too) extreme. Describe all the information to get a clear overview of your program, so you can examine whether it contains inaccurate information. Maybe you see the signal of making a mistake, as a confirmation that you’re a failure. Or, maybe you see a negative feeling as a signal that something dangerous is about to happen. If you gain more insight in your program, you will get a better understanding of what you can change!

To do this, you can use the Thought Records in the NiceDay app. They give you a clear insight in your thoughts and the (possible) consequences. They can also help you bend your negative thoughts to more positive. You can use the NiceDay app without having treatment, download it here.

When the evening falls and my eyes are starting to feel heavy, I lift myself off  the couch and head towards my favorite place: my bed. Ever since I was little my bed has been important to me. It stands for safety and security. I used to hide under the blankets, scared of monsters and burglars. When I got older my bed got another meaning: besides safety and security it gave me comfort. Feeling safe is a big topic in my life right now. I started asking myself with whom and where I feel safe, now that I am 25 years old. Did something change? Or do I still only feel safe in my own bed?

Where do you feel safe?

During multiple therapy sessions I have been asked where I feel most safe. In the beginning it took me quite some time to find an answer to that question. The only answer that would pop up was: I feel safe in my own bed. It was when I said it out loud that I started to realize. I felt sad that I didn’t feel safe while being with a person, but with an object. I thought something was wrong with me. Later I found out that it wasn’t the bed that gave me comfort, but the blanket. The weight of the blanket made me feel like I was being hugged. The warmth and softness of the blanket gave me peace and comfort and helped soften the pain.

With whom do you feel safe?

Two weeks ago I had another EMDR session. By the end of the session a memory came up. It was the Summer of 2016 and I had just returned home from a session with the POH-GGZ. I had told her about something that was extremely hard for me. Once I got home in my student home I burst into tears. I felt so much pain and sadness, but I was too scared to talk about it and felt so alone. To comfort myself I laid down in my bed with the heavy blanket wrapped around me. After telling my therapist about this memory she asked me the following: “If this were to happen now, who would you want to be with you?”. This time it didn’t take me long to know the answer. 

I feel safe with you

I have said it so many times. With you I feel safe. At the same time my mind and my body aren’t on the same page. My mind keeps telling me that I am not allowed to feel safe with you and that I should ignore the feeling. My body on the other hand keeps telling me the exact opposite. I know where this battle is coming from. In my past there have been people that have violated my trust and therefore I am extra cautious when I start feeling attached to someone. I don’t easily open up to other people, only when I can physically feel that everything’s alright. 

And that happened with you. I keep insuring myself that I don’t have to be afraid. That I don’t have to fear that you won’t treat my right. That the security that I feel with you is genuine and that I can trust my body on this. The inner battle is still ongoing and I accept that it is. That’s all I can do right now. There’s no use in fighting it. 

Love, Ghyta

Find all Ghyta’s experience stories here.

Maurice (69 years old) had a life-threatening bacterium in his jaw. Therefore, a part of his jaw had to be removed. Now he is wearing a prosthesis in this jaw. That is quite something. The loss of his jaw felt like a grieving process. With the help of a coach he learned to accept the prosthesis more. We interviewed him about his experience with online coaching.

A prosthesis in the jaw is intense. Can you explain why you have this prosthesis and how did you end up at NiceDay?

“I had a bacterium in my upper jaw and antibiotics did not help. My upper jaw had to be removed. Otherwise the bacteria could spread further over my body. Now I have a prosthesis in my jaw since July. The prosthesis pressed on my palate which caused a lot of irritation. I couldn’t get used to it, but the prosthesis had to stay in. That is why I sought help from a psychologist to learn how to cope better with my frustration. ”

How did you experience online coaching?

“Of course I discussed my problem with my wife, but talking to a coach or therapist is something different. I had pleasant conversations with my psychologist, five in total. All with video calling, it worked well for me. “

“I received tips to accept my prosthesis and the pressure I experience from it. I can get over it better now. I also learned not to force myself to work on it anymore. Through the conversations I can let go and accept more. Losing your teeth and jaw is actually a grieving process, and I was helped with that. ”

What did you find challenging during coaching?

“I also received an assignment during the treatment. I went away for a weekend with two friends. At home I can take out the prosthesis whenever I want, but that is not possible during this weekend. I wanted to learn how to deal with that. I had to leave my comfort zone. During the weekend I learned more to accept that the irritating pressure is present. But luckily I’m not busy with it all the time.”

 Would you recommend NiceDay to others?

“Hell yes! Everything I wanted was has come true. If anyone asks for help, then I recommend NiceDay. Having an online conversation with my psychologist was very pleasant.”

Do you want help from a coach or psychologist? Download the NiceDay app and talk to a coach of your choice. 

We have changed the name for privacy reasons.

We think about it a lot, some people more than other people: the past and the future. Little things like looking back on your weekend and considering what to eat tonight. And big things, like plans for the future with your boyfriend.

It differs per person how they handle these thoughts. I used to run away from my past, but that also meant I rushed through life. Everything had to happen like yesterday, life went too slow for me. I wanted to get everything together as soon as possible, just ‘like it should be’. The white picket fence. Guess what happened… I failed. And not once, no, I kept trying and failing.

Traumatic experiences
Traumatic experiences affected my view on the future. People told me more than once: ‘it happened, forget about it. Do not dwell on it.’ But these experiences scar you. You cannot forget about them. And if you can, it is temporary: it always comes back to you.

These experiences made me feel insecure about myself. I gained weight, developed performance anxiety and stopped doing things people could judge me for: like school and hobbies. I told people I felt great and acted nonchalant. I acted like nothing could hurt me, even though I got bullied in high school and had fights with my mom. But deep inside me I felt hurt, it certainly touched me.

Acting like nothing touched me was so much easier than showing I could not get my life back on track. People told me that I was not worthy of love and that I would never succeed in life. If you hear that often enough, you will start to believe it.

Giving my past a place
When I started working on myself, my attitude towards the outside world changed. I lost weight and got perfectionistic. But I stayed insecure and had difficulty handling newness. So I got quiet and nothing was good enough for me anymore. I was not acting nonchalant anymore but showed that I worked hard to take care of myself.

That was when I got a burnout. Obviously. I worked so hard to make myself worthy. I would always blame myself. My contract not extended? My fault. Toxic relationship? My fault. Feelings of failure? My fault. I tried to get this punitive voice out of of my mind but I could not, not alone.

Therapy sessions taught me I was worth it: I learned to love myself even though I did not have an education or promising bank account. The punitive voices reduced, they are still there but I do not let them have control over me. However, slowing down is still hard for me. The people around me help me and keep an eye on me. They want to prevent me  rushing into things again, and so do I.

Sometimes I can actually be proud of myself. Other times, I look at my partner and think: I do not deserve you. But then he hugs me tightly and tells me he loves me, which makes me get rid of the negative thoughts and helps me enjoy the moment.

In conclusion
So, my past is really important to me. It is part of me. I never want to forget about my experiences, positive and negative. But what is important is not to get stuck in those memories. Therefore I needed therapy, and that brought me so much positivity. I still learn, every day. My partner teaches me not to worry about little things. He helps me to enjoy life. What more could I ask for?

It hurts,
but not enough.
I stall no longer,
the world is waiting for me.
I am free,
there is enough to do.

The song of this week is Jamai – Genoeg te doen. Not because my partner left me, but because I feel this way about my past. I let go of what happened and and enjoy the future.

Love, Renée x

 

If you are on the right track again and you really start to believe that you are heading in the right direction, you dare to take more risks. You will meet more friends, you may start working again and you get the idea that your diet is becoming more stable. And then it happens, a relapse. What now?

Events that happen to you such as, someone who dies, illness in the family, stress at work or a quarrel with a loved one can be the trigger for a relapse. However, do not give in immediately when this happens. Here are some tips:

  • The most important thing is that you acknowledge what is happening! You recognize the signals, one more clearly than the other. Other people can see it, but this means nothing if you keep denying it yourself. I am having problems with ‘normal’ food again. After the argument, my feeling went all over the place and I did not eat for 4 days. I lost 2 kg. Slight panic, because before this, it all went so well!
  • Do not force yourself immediately to be at the point where you were before the relapse. I wanted to eat what I ate before those 4 days. But I was starting at that plate and I felt awful. With great difficulty, I finished the whole plate but then I was sick for 2 days. So, from my own experience I can now say that this might not be the right solution.
  • Talk! Yes, again: talk to the people around you. I told my partner that I had a lot of trouble with eating again. He immediately said: “Take it easy and do not force yourself. Then it only gets harder! “And he was right!
  • Accept that things are going slightly less well than before. It’s okay! And in addition, it is part of life. It cannot always go well. Sometimes you have to take a step back and then continue from there.
  • Trust yourself. You can do this! You came here earlier and now you have tools to get started again. Step by step you will move back in the right direction.

I am now back to the point where I start to get hungry in the evening, so I take small portions until I am full. This amounts to about half to three quarters of what I would normally eat. From the weekend onwards, I will try to take a cup of yogurt with cereal during the day. Step-by-step.

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff

It certainly helps me to have a big eater next to me. He does not care whether I eat half a pizza or two whole pizzas. This makes me feel much comfortable to do what feels right and not what is ‘normal’. And when I’m full, I move the rest of my plate to him. He’s happy with a little extra and I’m still not forcing myself.

I hope it helps you a little too. And not only with regard to food. Also with fatigue or if you feel down: take a step back, give yourself some est. It’s really good!

This week I’m going for 2 songs! Both are from Paramore. First I choose Turn it off. The text of this song refers to everything above. I also go for Brick by boring brick. This song I turn to full volume if I am not comfortable with myself. Good combination for this week!

Love, Renée x

Prior to this last blog about my past, (don’t worry I’ll keep writing for you!) I want to share that writing this one was the most difficult. The past year has been very hard. But I’m myself, more than I have ever been.

Trauma processing

January 2017, it’s been 4 months of therapy. And then finally the moment has come: I can start with processing my traumas! Very exciting, because the last time I started this it did not go as expected at all.

I have my first interview with J. to see if it clicks and to discuss the different therapy options. I have lost trust in EMDR so I agree for Imaginary Exposure (tell painful episodes of events, recording this and the listen to the recordings 5 times a week at home). We make a list of priority events: from the most painful moment to the less painful moment and because I feel so comfortable with J, I decide follow therapy with her.

The first recording

Three weeks after the first session I have my first recording. We start with the conversation about domestic violence. The hardest thing to discuss for me, is about that time my ex grabbed me by my throat and lifted me up into the air. He held me like this until I almost lost consciousness. My thoughts went out and ended with: just finish it, at least it’s all over. When he suddenly let me go and I fell on the floor, I felt so terribly lonely. Still, I stayed with him. Fortunately after 2 weeks the choice made to go away with this man.

I will send over home. In this one session everything got back into all the hustle and all that I felt seemed to be under my skin. But at the moment I also knew that this time I would do everything to finally get out of here.

Refresh

In the week that follows, it only takes me two times to listen to the fragment. I’m ashamed to say that when I see her again after that week. Even thinking about saying I have listened neatly five times, but staying fair is the best. Fortunately, she understands: “You have to go through, you are not the only one with a hard start, eventually you will succeed.”

In the weeks that follow, we will take two to three times all the time, I do my best to listen and to feel everything. Closing for that fear is easy, but going through it will have to leave it all behind me at last, so I’m totally into it.

Hands on my body

Hands on my body remains a big problem. And because I do not know much about sexual abuse, it’s hard to treat that too by means of I.E. I decide my partner S.L. to bring along … Finally, we decide to wrap a six-week sex stop and that’s really liberating. This is the main reason for all the arguments and hope that it will finally be a bit better at home. Unfortunately, the arguments remain and he thinks I think too much about myself. Why does he not realize that this is also beneficial to him?

Feelings

In addition to the individual trauma treatment, group therapy is also ongoing. In the beginning, I told my story that it was the story of another. Without emotion and without feeling. But after 6 months of therapy it was suddenly my story. I absolutely could not handle those emotions. All the wickedness of old came up, and if I had any quarrel over, the glasses flew through the house. In retrospect, I was ashamed and I felt empty, but I did not control it.

Despite the negativity at home, I continue with all therapies. I just want to be myself again. I work hard on my self-esteem and to process all the things that have happened to me. I can now also feel that things have happened that are not my fault. I know I could not do anything about abuse or domestic violence. What I can do about it is how I live. This awareness is an eye-opener. I’m more confident and dare to get up to myself. Even though it is still exciting to choose for myself.

A new beginning

Through all the senses and emotions that rub my body, I develop an eating disorder, anorexia. I am still weighting 50kg. Despite all this, I notice that I am so much stronger in my shoes. So this will be as hard! I still fight for my own happiness and I would like to come here too. But I do not know what to do with the home situation and I’m falling in love for another one. I’m learning someone who deals with me as you see in movies, on TV. Someone who tries to support me. For weeks I fight against the feelings, but there is a day I surrender. I’m completely upside down and it’s terribly scary. But decide to go. I take my bag and now, 2 months later, I feel a better person than I ever expected. I am still working on trauma, my eating pattern is going on the right side and I have all the support I need from both my parents and my partner. Make sure I do not lose myself in love, but fortunately I can talk about it now. With my mother especially, she knows how I am!

S.C. know all about my past, be open to go to therapy and respect my insecurities. I can now leave the trauma well behind me. They will never disappear completely but I can handle it now. The sex is better than ever, trust is really so important, it’s showing you again. So dear people, even though you are still through. I’m sure there’s a day where everything is a lot better and then you think I’m here again!

My life will not only contain positivity from now on, let’s stay realistic. Surely I’m still insecure about my ability, I sometimes feel awkward to talk and feel nervous because of my new work and education. The first week of September starts my education for optician and I will also start working immediately. So tension on top, but it makes sense. Sometimes you have to do what you feel scary, hence my subject; With full fear ahead. This text is on a bracelet I gave myself a gift. As long as you want something and you have support from the people around you, you can do anything.

 

For anyone who hurt me, aware, this is for you: Kesha – Praying

 

Love, Renée