It always seemed so easy: I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want in life, up until two weeks ago. My body was shivering, I was breathing heavily and I wanted to hide for the “big grown up world”. From one day to the next, I was extremely afraid of making the wrong life choices.
Ever since I was a little girl I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. A lot of kids want to be a princess or a superhero when they’re little. I didn’t. I have always wanted to be a lawyer or a judge. Later in life this was specified to a children’s judge. The latter is still what I aspire to be in the long term. Having finished a Bachelor and Master study, my goal of becoming a children’s judge still hasn’t changed. The question that now arises is: what am I going to do in the meantime? With this question, a thousand worrying thoughts overcome me, and make my body and brains feel incredibly anxious.
While I’m experiencing these uncomfortable feelings, I want to hide in my bed. I want to turn off my phone and calm myself down. When I start hiding and shutting off from the world, it’s a sign that I need to give myself some space. Otherwise, I could end up in a negative spiral again. Another sign is when I start worrying a lot, and with ‘a lot’ I mean every free moment I have. These worries are mostly about the recent choices I’ve made concerning my first “real” job, moving out of my student home and the future. These are all themes I have no control over. I notice that I’m struggling with this lack of control, which causes my anxiety to worsen. What helps in these moments are breathing exercises and comforting myself with the idea that there are no wrong choices. If I listen to my own intuition, everything will be okay.
During these moments I’m also confronted with my own boundaries. Do I choose to move on without listening to my own body? Or do I stick up for myself and give in to the rest that I need? Making these decisions is difficult, and sometimes it takes me a little bit longer to realise that I can’t just move on. Eventually, there will be a time that all anxiety’s emotions and physical discomfort will come out. Because of these emotional outbursts, I am reminded that I’m not a superhero. Sometimes I have to take time to rest, to remain mentally sane.
Ghyta regularly shares parts of her life in moving stories. Want to read more? You can find all her blogs here.