Good and comfortable sex with your partner can be greatly fufilling and for some people is an important part of a romantic relationship. But how can I improve my sex life with my partner? It starts by talking about it! You can’t expect your partner to know what you like, what you’re comfortable with and what you want without telling them. Good communication with your partner builds confidence and trust in one another, which is vital for a good sex life. 

Talk about it!

Sex takes ‘two to tango’ and the individuals involved often come from different walks of life. Therefore their expectations, history and desires around sex can be vastly different from another. That is why it is important to talk about sex. Sex can have many phsyical, mental and emotional benefits. 

Talking about sex doesn’t just have to involve talking about our sexual fantasies or desires, it can cover a vast range of topics. Some of these topics could include:

  • Sexual health 
  • Safe sex & Birth Control. 
  • Pleasure
  • Frequency
  • Limits
  • Consent
  • Fantasies 
  • Dealing with differences

Giving even more importance to start and to continue to clearly communicate about sex with your partner.

The best way to talk about sex

We have briefly discussed the importance of talking about sex (and you can find more information about this in this blog, and the benefits of sex in this blog), but now I want to go more in depth on the best way to talk about sex.

Talking about sex can be difficult and awkward, we tend to fear criticism or judgement when revealing our intimate thoughts and desires, or you might be scared that you hurt the feelings of your partner. So difficult that around only 50% of us do it, according to a survey of 4000 people conducted by Lehmiller. So here are some tips to help you go about it. 

  • Pick your moment

It might seem like a good idea to talk about sex just before or just after the act has taken place, but this may not always be the case, in particular when it may have some negative connotations. In these situations we can feel more vulnerable and exposed than usual. It can be better to pick a more neutral moment. Even planning a time to talk about it with your partner can be helpful to remove the surprise and resistance surrounding the topic. Try to avoid talking about it when they are tired, hungry or feeling low.

  • Be positive

Try to frame your statement in a positive way, and start with a positive point before saying something negative. Try to make suggestions, instead of complaining. By complaining the other person may feel attacked, criticized or threatened. Try to use ‘I’ statements as well. For example ‘’I really would like”, or ‘’I get turned on when’’ rather than ‘’don’t do this’’. This is less attacking and puts the responsibility in your own hands. And don’t forget to tell your partner when they do something that you do like! 

  • Be clear & respectful

Decide what you want to say beforehand, it might be helpful to write down the main things you want to say, but keep the points to a minimum. It can be easy to mumble or make vague statements about what you want, but this leaves a lot of room for interpretation and can result in problems further down the line, such as feelings. Be clear about what you’re trying to say so that your partner can understand, thisi is particularly important for example when you dont feel like having sex for one reason or another. If misinterpreted, this can lead to feelings of rejection.

  • Express yourself

Be honest and express your desires, concerns, insecurities and expectations. Lehmillers research also reported that 97% of fantasies fall under the same categories. So even if it feels taboo, chances are that it is not. Exploring our desires can increase our intimacy and connection with our partner.

  • Follow-up!

This part cannot be understated. This shouldn’t be a one time thing but an on-going conversation. Follow up on how it’s been since you had the first conversation; have things been going better? Be vocal about it!  As people our needs and desires change over time, with age, context and experience. Our relationships also change and develop over time, therefore it important to continue to talk about sex with one another.

Not wanting to have sex is okay!

Although sex is an important part of life for many people, there are many reasons why people may not want to have sex, for example asexuality, a low libido, religious reasons or a medical condition, and this is completely normal too!  Sex isn’t necessary for a happy, healthy and loving life!

If you are having issues in your sex life or need some extra support talking about sex with your partner, don’t hesistate to contact one of our NiceDay profesionals, they will happily help you on your way! 

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Martijn Thomas

Hi, I am Martijn, psychologist at NiceDay. In my spare time I like to produce music, exercise and hangout with friends.

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