You have to give an important presentation at work, something you feel very stressed about. A lot of negative thoughts often arise during moments like these. In this blog, Peter already explained why that happens. As humans, we are prone to think more negative than positive thoughts, and often we do not succeed in soothing or talking kindly to ourselves when we’re having a hard time. You probably need someone else to do that for you. But what if you’re able to do that yourself? What if you can be your own friendly and soothing voice full of self-compassion? In this blog, I’ll teach you how to practice being more self-compassionate.
How would you address a friend?
“What if I don’t remember what to say? What if I can’t answer a question? What if I am not interesting enough? I should have never said yes to this, I am such an idiot.”
These are all examples of thoughts that might you might have right before such a stressful presentation. These are all negative, and unhelpful thoughts, and you’re being very strict on yourself. Would you also talk like that to a friend when he or she has to give a presentation? Probably not, right? You probably have some more compassion for a friend!
Compassion for others
Compassion is about being friendly and warm. To most of us, this comes naturally when it’s about other people. Because what would you say to that friend before they have to give a presentation? You will probably be kind, supportive, and comforting towards your friend. Meanwhile, compassion for yourself does not come naturally to you.
Self-compassion
Self-compassion is also described as friendliness and warmth towards yourself, or as a loving, connected presence. It is the power to feel involved with your pain, and with the desire to relieve this pain. In other words, treat yourself as you would treat your friends. What definitely isn’t self-compassion, you can read here.
Self-compassion consists of three main components:
- Self-kindness: By practicing self-compassion you become your own best friend. It means that you are kind and understanding towards your own mistakes and flaws. Instead of judging and criticising yourself for your shortcomings, you can put an encouraging arm around yourself and comfort yourself.
- Common humanity: The realisation that all humans are imperfect individuals is important in self-compassion. This makes you feel connected toward others. Because everybody makes mistakes, including you. when you realise that you are not suffering alone, every moment of suffering is a moment to feel connected to others. The more you open your heart for this, instead of fighting it, the more you are capable of feeling compassion for yourself and others.
- Mindfulness: Mindfulness means that you are aware of your feelings at a certain moment. All feelings are allowed, negative or positive. This is important for acknowledging your pain and it creates the possibility to react to it with care and friendliness. You can experience your feelings, instead of ignoring or avoiding them. It also prevents you from worrying too much. You don’t ignore the pain, but you tell yourself: “This is something that I am struggling with right now. How can I comfort myself and take care of myself in this painful moment?”.
Practice, practice, practice
Try practicing these three elements of self-compassion when you are feeling down or nervous. But also practice it when you are feeling ok, so you can really get the hang of it. Tell yourself things such as: “It is ok”, “Making mistakes is human”, “Everybody makes mistakes”, “You did your best”, “It doesn’t have to be perfect” or “It is ok to feel like this”. Find the words that work for you and repeat this in your head or out loud.
“If we would be as unkind to our friends as to ourselves, we wouldn’t have any friends” – Kristin Neff, self compassion expert
NiceDay
Set reminders in NiceDay App to remind yourself of practicing compassion towards yourself.
Friendships can be beautiful and add a lot of joy to your life. But what if you feel insecure in a friendship? Is it still as beautiful to you? And what can you do about this? I haven’t found the answers to these questions yet, but I will tell you about my own experience.
Best friends
I met my best friend 10 years ago. She was a friend of my boyfriend at the time and we clicked right away. We could talk about everything and supported each other through thick and thin. It also didn’t matter if we didn’t talk to each other for a few weeks; it always felt natural when we did have contact again. This worked great for both of us. We did live quite far away from each other, so unfortunately it was not possible to meet up a lot. However, our bond was so strong that this wasn’t any issue to us.
Grown apart
Through the years we have seen each other going through new relationships and breakups. Once in a while we met up, but we did talk to each other daily via whatsapp. Still, even the contact via whatsapp started to disappear. I felt like she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and was too afraid to reach out. It made me insecure, so I decided to let it go. After all, I did have other friends around me that made it easier for me to deal with this.
Back in touch
After not speaking to each other for two whole years, my friend decided to get back in touch with me. I was so happy that she did that! We found out that we were both too insecure to reach out, afraid that the other might be angry or didn’t want to be friends anymore. But, eventually we were fine! Crazy that we had our thoughts ruin a wonderful friendship. I wouldn’t let this happen again!
Insecurity
Despite our good intentions, I notice that I am falling back into my insecurities. I love this girl to bits; she knows everything about me and I can talk to her about anything. But I am always the one that reaches out. I know she has a busy life, so that should explain a lot. But still I keep on thinking that she considers me as less of a friend, than I consider her. If not, she would be reaching out to me too right?
I also find it hard to see that she has made a new best friend the past year. I am happy for her, but what does that mean for me? That I am degraded to a regular friend, instead of her best friend? Does she still want me as a friend or does it only annoy her when I ask her how she’s doing? I keep having these thoughts more often lately. And to be totally honest, it saddens and hurts me. It even makes me a bit jealous.
The solution
I still don’t know what to do about this. I am aware that it’s probably best to try and talk to my friend and that I should tell her how I feel and ask her how she feels. But the fear of receiving a negative response makes me avoid the conversation. And even if she would comfort me, that doesn’t mean my insecurities will disappear. Because let’s be honest, me being insecure in our friendship isn’t her fault. It’s about me and my own insecurities, right?
Can you help me?
Do you ever feel insecure in a friendship? How did you or are you handling this? As you see I can still use a few tips here and there when it comes to this subject. So please don’t hesitate to contact me via Instagram (@anouk_van_ham) if you have any good tips for me! And when you’re there, follow NiceDay (@niceday.community) for your weekly dosis of positivity and mental health tips.
Thanks for reading and until next time!
Love,
Anouk
After recently moving from the UK to the Netherlands, it made me realise how important and significant friendship had been in my life. I have had a lot of the same friends since school, and this was the first time I had moved somewhere new and not known anyone! 2020 has been a particularly difficult year for socialising. Therefore, we have all had to come up with new and creative ways to make friends and stay in contact with old ones. I can imagine there are many of us out there who have had a realisation the same or similar to mine! This inspired me to write a blog about friendship and its relationship with mental health.
Friendship
We all know that friendship plays a big part in our lives. Friends can support us in times of need, provide non-judgmental advice, make us feel included, keep us motivated, help us not feel lonely, and be a welcome distraction from the stress or fears we experience in life. But what exactly is the impact of friendship? And why is it so important to maintain your friendships, especially during covid?
Mental health
The importance of friendship has also been noticed by science. For example, researchers at the University of Virginia looked at the effect of having good friends as a teenager on their health as an adult. They found teenagers with good friends reported being happier, being better able to cope with stress while also having a higher self-esteem and doing better academically. Furthemore, these benefits seemed to last into adulthood with decreased reports of social anxiety and depression. Illustrating the importance of friendship on emotional and mental health, and indicating that the experience of bonding stays with us and has a lasting impact. Further studies have also shown that a lack of social support is a predictor for anxiety and depression.
Physical health
These benefits have even been found to extend to our physical health. This was shown by a study that asked people to talk about difficult issues in their life. They found that, those who talked about it when accompanied by a supportive friend, had a lower pulse and blood pressure. Directly showing how friendship can affect us physically. Social support has even been linked to lower rates of heart disease!
Friendship and mental illness
If someone is suffering from a mental illness they may find it more difficult to spend time with friends. For example, feelings of anxiety can make social events seem threatening, and those with depression may struggle to find the motivation or energy to go to them. This can mean that friendships come under strain, especially when there is a lack of understanding. People often think that the friends don’t want to see them any more.
Nonetheless, it is important to try to maintain friendships with friends who are struggling with mental illness. Try to take an empathetic approach and validate their feelings. Be understanding of their limits and requirements during this period. Furthermore try to support them in the way they want. If you are not sure, sometimes it can help to ask them how they want support.. This also shows that you care. But don’t overburden yourself, remember you are only human too!
Friendschip during Covid-19
With a major impact on both our physical and mental health, the importance of friendship cannot be underestimated! Having a good friend shows us how important it is to feel appreciated and accepted. This sense of belonging gives us a sense of security and identity. Because the pandemic has a huge impact on our daily structure and our social life, it is important that we maintain our friendships! It is precisely in these difficult times that you must keep trying to connect with people, whether online or in the real world. In this blog, psychologist Renée Lepoutre gives tips on how to stay social online!
Are you feeling lonely or want help connecting with new or old friends? Don’t hesitate to reach out for help! Click here for more information about online help via NiceDay.
We’ve been in quarantine for a couple of months now. Day by day, we’re allowed to slowly return to some form of our normal lives: from this week on the terraces are open and we can go out to dinner. The beautiful weather of the last couple of weeks has allowed us to meet up with our friends, whilst keeping social distance, whom we haven’t seen in such a long time. When you do see them, you still have to keep a 1,5 meter distance. That means no hugs, no arm around your shoulder or a kiss on the cheek when you’re saying goodbye.
Friends are important, something we realise even more now we don’t see them as often as we usually did. But do you ever let your friends know how much you appreciate them, or how much you love them? Especially in times when the physical distance is bigger, wouldn’t it be great if we’d let each other know how we feel more often?
Where would you be without your friends?
Think about how often you tell your friends you love them, or how much you appreciate them as a friend. When you’ve had a friendship for such a long time, appreciating each other seems as if it comes naturally. That’s why we easily forget to take the time to show some appreciation towards each other. Take a moment to tell your friend how much you love and appreciate them, because you’ll be surprised how much it could mean to someone.
Being supported by your friends works as a blanket of protection for a lot of psychological problems. Think about stress and depression, but also alcoholism or medical conditions. Besides that, friendship can contribute to the recovery of diseases and even has a positive influence on pregnant women and their newborn babies. Friendship also has a positive effect on personal welfare and the experience of positive emotions. Even school results don’t stay out of the equation. Research shows that having social support from your friends, family and teachers has a positive influence on education. In short, friends keep you healthy: mentally and physically. Have you ever taken the time to thank them for that?
Friends are more than just friends. They undoubtedly have a huge impact on your life, and that’s why you love them! Your friends have deserved a little bit of extra love, so it is time you let them know how much you appreciate them!
Meet my friend Sylvia, she is 80 years old, we have known each other for 7 years now and we regularly meet to eat and chat. With an age difference of 50 years and very different backgrounds, we have a fascinating friendship and are open to each other’s perspectives and ideas in life.
This won’t affect us. That was our initial thought, until the first infection in the Netherlands was reported and Prime Minister Mark Rutte announced the official guidelines regarding the corona virus on Monday the 23rd of March. When this happened what were your first thoughts?
I was very happy with the guidelines and I wasn’t worried for myself. I thought: I am healthy and I am strong. I feel lively and have been active all my life. I tried to remind myself: only listen to the news once a day and only listen to the experts. There is a lot of panic in the news, and this created a lot of anxiety in my environment. Everyone around me was talking about it, it was the hot topic. I go outside every day, to take a walk in a quiet place. I usually do this with one person that I keep at a distance.
I am aware that people over 80 are more vulnerable. Deterioration of your organs and immune system is something to be expected with old age. I am realistic and won’t let it get to my head.
Do you or have you felt alone during this period?
There has been no change in my feelings of loneliness before or during corona. As always, I maintain social contact through the telephone. I do miss going to the museum alot and visiting my granddaughter in Amsterdam. I don’t take public transport. Further than that, I don’t feel limited. I have a car and can drive anywhere.
Do you or have you felt gloomy?
My mood has not changed during or by corona. I still think: I am so happy that I have traveled so much. Portugal, Mexico, Curaçao, Kenya, South Africa, wow! I am so glad that I have been able to have this experience. Remembering this gives me great pleasure.
Imagine someone you know feels alone or anxious. What would you say to that person?
I advised my friend to still leave the house occasionally, to get some fresh air and stay active. Besides that, one thing I hadn’t done is meet my granddaughter. After a few weeks, my son came along with my granddaughter. I had seen a child psychologist briefly on the youth news. A child said, “I am not sick and neither is my grandmother. Can I go visit my grandmother? And the psychologist said, “Yes you may!” Based on that, I thought: I am healthy, I will make sure that I still see my granddaughter.
Has the news ever made you feel anxious?
I can put it into perspective fairly quickly. I try to rationalize it. I am also lucky with my genetics. There are no diseases in the family. I have a good immune system for my age, partly due to my genetics but also due to my lifestyle. I love simple and healthy food.
The corona guidelines are being relaxed. What did you think about this and how are you going to behave?
I am happy that the schools have opened again for all children. Some of the conditions at home are bad, it is tough for children to continuously focus on a screen, learning difficulties can arise. I used to work in education, so I can really sympathize with them. I am glad that the children can see their friends again. I think the catering industry is a big step. I will not be so quick to sit on a terrace. I definitely want to go to the museum, if there are good safety measures in place. On a small terrace with enough space, yes I will sit there. I am aware of the actions I make and I don’t really feel any different.
What are your top tips for others?
– Go outside and stay active.
– Keep in touch with your friends, and stay in contact.
Whatever the reason someone chooses to relocate, whether it is because of a new job, family reasons or the desire for change, moving to a new country can be an exciting and scary experience filled with many emotions.
The first few months will be full of new experiences and you may step out of your comfort zone. This can be tiring and overwhelming at times and you may experience some degree of culture shock or homesickness. Nonetheless, it is important to try and embrace the change and remember that these feelings will not last forever.
These are some tips to help you relocate. So you can make the most of it:
Plan ahead
The more you organize yourself beforehand the better prepared you’ll be when you arrive. This is important as you will have a lot to do when you arrive and some countries have long bureaucratic procedures (like the Netherlands). Not only does this prevent you from becoming overwhelmed when you arrive, but it gives you more time to explore and do the things you want to do.
Know your local community
I always find it useful to get accustomed to your local area, and learn about your nearby shops, hangouts and neighbours. Getting familiar with your immediate surroundings and knowing the in’s and out’s of your area can help you feel more at home and safe. Checking out google maps, or taking a short walk can help you learn about your new area.
Learn about the culture
Sometimes when moving to a new country the local traditions and the way people behave can come as a shock to you, this can feel alienating and uncomfortable. A great way to reduce culture shock is to go to language lessons. This can help you to understand people better (literally and metaphorically!). Doing some research on the local laws and traditions can also be helpful.
Finding new friends
For some people this is their biggest fear, and understandably, moving somewhere alone can be isolating. However it is important not to worry too much about this, friendships will come naturally once given the opportunity to meet people. Be active, take up invites, attend events, join a sports team, volunteer, try online apps… whatever suits you best!
Keep in contact with old friends
In this day and age, just because you moved, doesn’t mean you have to leave your old friends behind. Stay in touch with your family and friends. They can provide much needed support during this turbulent period. Speaking with them can give you a sense of familiarity and stop feelings of homesickness.
If you are struggling or don’t have much support after relocating it can be useful to get started with NiceDay to help you settle in.
Do you believe in the power of the universe? I do. I believe that the universe rewards you with good karma if you are good to other people. Also, if you not kind to other people, the universe “punishes” you with a bad karma. I have seen it several times in my surroundings and also in myself. Recently I experienced something different spiritually. I felt a very deep connection with someone. I was shocked myself, because I have never experienced this before and I did not know it existed. Confusion arose. That confusion is actually still there, because it is so new. To better understand the deep connection, I started researching.
Soulmate
It is often thought that a partner is equivalent to a soulmate, but this does not have to be. A soulmate can occur in both friendships and romantic relationships. The moment you meet your soulmate, it immediately feels familiar. It seems like you have known each other for years. In addition, it feels safe and you feel as if you can be yourself.
Soulmates sometimes come into your life for a while. For example, they can teach you something or help you heal and then disappear from your life. It is also possible that they are always in your life. What it feels like to meet your soulmate is, in my opinion, different for everyone. Every person feels things in his or her own way. For one person it can feel very intense, and for the other it may feels normal. Yet, I think the universe somehow gives you a signal with the message that this person is your soulmate.
Twin flame
We are all born with a soul. With a twin flame, or twin soul, one soul is split in two. With a twin soul it is always about a man and a woman who are each other’s mirrors. Both twin souls come from that one soul, but are reincarnated in other bodies. They both follow their own path with the necessary obstacles and learning opportunities. It can happen that both souls find each other again and are reunited with each other. There are many traits that are the same with twin souls, but there are also the necessary differences. When twin souls meet, different things take place in your subconscious mind. This way strong emotions can arise or you feel a very strong bond between you and your twin soul. You can feel more energetic or very tired physically. In addition, you can go to sleep worse or dream a lot. Before you can really merge with your twin soul, you must go through different phases: recognition, testing, crisis, running away, surrender, enlightenment and harmony. After this both hearts will open for each other and unconditional love follows.
Soulmate + twin flame = Soul twin?
I recently had a conversation with someone with whom I felt a deep connection. The term “soul twin” came up. A term I had never heard before. After doing some research I didn’t get much wiser. Some websites say soult win is the same as twin flame. I find it vague. The only thing I’m sure of is what I feel when I’m with this person. It feels like we’ve known each other for a long time, it feels familiar. In some respects we are alike, we are working on the same process and sometimes it seems that we are each other’s mirror. But whether we are soulmate, twin flame or soul twin to each other? It is a new concept for me. Perhaps I will have more answers in a while.
Love,
Ghyta
Has it ever occurred to you that the Marie Kondo method, asking yourself the question “does this make me happy” – is applicable to more things than just material goods? It is also a useful tool when it comes to ending friendships.
Friendship versus romantic relationship
There is a chance that you have people in your inner circle with whom you once were good friends, but now don’t really have click with anymore. When the spark gradually disappears in a romantic relationship, you and your partner grow apart. This usually results in a break-up. Friendships often don’t end with a break up. The bond continues even though the friendship is not as strong as before. Before you know it you are dealing with a handful of friendships that add little or even no value to your life.
What do you find important in a friendship?
Think about what you really want and expect from your friends. Do you want a friend with whom you can party every weekend? Somebody who listen to your stories? Someone who works in the same field as you? Or has the same interests? In an ideal situation your friends possess all these qualities and more.
In practice, it is often different from the ideal world. We must not forget that our friends are also just human beings. For example, someone can be very emotionally dependent. Or naive, which makes you tired of constantly giving advice to your friends if they don’t listen to you but then still complain and whine when their life is not going well. The more time you spend with that person or people, the more energy it costs and the harder it is to be the best version of yourself.
Quality over quantity
Which friends make you happy and bring out the best of you? These friendships are worth it. For the rest, if they bring the worst out of you or you notice that these friendships cost too much energy, you’d better end the friendship. This sounds radical but in the long run you and your friend will benefit from it.
How do you end a friendship?
Start by slowly stop seeing each other and experience how it feels and works out. It could be that your friend is thinking the same way about the situation. Maybe he or she will notice that the friendship is not as it used to be. However, your friend can also ask you questions about the situation. Explain why you have the feeling that this friendship isn’t working anymore. Thank him or her for the great times you had together and explain why this is the end for you. It is important that you take your time to explain your side of the story. Do not just ghost your friend. Even though you do not owe the person a friendship, you do need to give them answers and an honest explanation.
Does it spark you joy?
Remember that it is all about your needs. If you feel it is time to let that friendship go, let it go.
It’s December. That means 2018 is almost over. When this blog post is online, there are only 20 days left from 2018. Personally, I think that 2018 flew by. Which is a good thing, but also a pity. I met new people, worked hard, cried a lot, but I also laughed. It was an exciting year. Time for some reflection!
Beautiful people
2018 was a year in which I met new people. Each of these people taught me something. From one I have learned to see life as rain and sunshine. There is sun behind every dark cloud, you can always rely on that. I have learned from others that the length of a friendship does not necessarily equal the quality of the friendship. If it feels right, it feels right. No matter how long you know each other. I have also learned to have trust in the opposite sex. He taught me that men also have another side; a supportive and non-judgmental side. Each and every one of these people got a place in my heart.
Setbacks
2018 was not really my year. It was another year in which I suffered from depression and PTSD. Some days were fine, but also a lot of days were hard. In one way or another, I always managed to get myself out of it. Otherwise it would not have been possible for me to write this blog post right now! My mental health problems will not suddenly disappear, but I really hope that in 2019 I’m able to let go of my demons. Another setback was not getting my diploma this year. I really wanted to close this chapter. It was difficult to accept this, but in the end you can do nothing but accept and go on.
Self-development
2018 was also a year of self-development, despite all the setbacks. I have learned that I have to put myself first, instead of other people or studying. If I don’t work, the rest will not work either. It is difficult to do this, since I often want to do everything at once. However, every now and then I’m able to give myself a dose of self love. This is something I will continue to work on in 2019. In addition, I have learned to give a little less. In certain friendships for example. If I give too much and get just little in return, it will cost me too much energy. In a friendship or in any other relationship, it’s a matter of giving and taking. Otherwise the relationship is not in balance. This led me to disconnect with a good friend. This was very difficult at first, but after a while it felt like the right choice. In 2019 I hope to develop myself a bit more.
And 2019?
2019 is a year in which I have a lot of time to work on myself and on my depression and PTSD. It’s scary. But I should not run away from it. It is time to trust myself, to trust that I can handle the fight. I am no longer that girl from the past who always pushed all of her emotions away because she could not handle it at that moment. Now I am the grown-up Ghyta who is, with some help, strong enough to face the demons of the past.
Quote with this story: I’m in repair, I’m not together but I am getting there – John Mayer (in repair)
Love,
Ghyta
Cleaning up: does anybody really like it? I don’t think that many people will volunteer to clean up, yet it’s good to do it. Not only when you’ve people coming over; but also on a regular basis. Sometimes it can even be enlightening to clean up! And cleaning up is more than just cleaning the furniture in your house; you can also tidy up relationships with friends. In this blog post I will explain it to you.
Cleaning up your home
If you’re depressed or burnout, or just not happy in general, you might not have enough energy to clean up the house. There is too much chaos. Chaos in your house but also chaos in your head. However that’s exactly when it’s most important to tidy up your house, since it can also affect the chaos in your head! If my room is a mess, that means that first of all, I have no energy to clean up and second, that I’m worrying too much. It sometimes happens that I feel the desire to clean-up. Then after cleaning up I feel more calm and relaxed!
It’s probably obvious that you feel better when your home is tidy. But I recently came to another insight that helps you feel better: cleaning up your circle of friends.
Friendships
Cleaning up your circle of friends may sound intense, but sometimes it’s necessary. If you take time to think about it, you know exactly who is and who is not there for you. Everybody knows the kind of friend who only comes to you when he or she needs something from you. Do you want to keep these people in your life? Or do they cost you a lot of energy? If you are in recovery from mental health problems, you have to put yourself first and maybe let go of these friends.
Toxic people
In addition, there are also the toxic friends. The friends who only bring you down, make you feel even worse. This also takes a lot of energy! From experience I can tell that it’s very difficult to get the toxic friends out of your life. Not because they stick to you, but because you stick to them. It’s difficult to break with them. However, see what happens if you don’t contact these people for a while, most likely you will never hear from them again…
And family?
When it comes to family, cleaning up is a bit harder. After all, you are connected to each other by blood. Try not to allow yourself to let family members take your energy.
Quote with this story: You’re the CEO of your life. Some people need to be fired – The Female Hustlers
Love, Ghyta
