People are social beings: we live in groups and surround ourselves with people we care about. So for many people friendships are a vital component of life. This is not surprising because with friends you can share your secrets, they lift your spirit and you can also have a lot of fun with them. Unfortunately, friendships can change if the person in question changes or they were never a good friend to start with. In this article we will discuss how to recognize a toxic friendship.

• He or she is codependent: Friends are there for each other in good times and in bad times. However it is important to find a balance. If someone is always depending on you, it might  disturb the balance and this will start to feel like being smothered and, in the long term, come at the expense of other friendships.
• Your friendship is a competition: A healthy friendship means, among other things, that you want the best for each other and are happy for his or her successes. Jealousy is a human characteristic that often has to do with one’s own uncertainty. If this jealousy takes on excessive proportions, you must be careful that this does not stand in the way of your own happiness. A jealous person rather sees you fail than succeed.
• Your secrets are not safe: Trust is often described as the basis of friendship. Being able to share your secrets with someone can relieve a lot of tension. However, if this trust is violated, the basis of your friendship breaks down. You can wonder if the friendship is worth keeping without unconditional trust.
• The friendship is one-sided: As described above, a healthy friendship is balanced. If a friendship is one-sided, it means that just one of the friends takes all the initiative to remain friends. Do you have the feeling that all the initiative comes from you, test if this is true by letting the ropes slide a bit. If he or she does not pick up the initiative, you know what the friendship means to them.
  
• The friendship only takes energy: Friendship should give you (mental) energy. If the opposite is the case and you do not look forward to seeing that friend, it is not a good sign. Think about how and why this is the case and if the friendship is worth keeping.  

A toxic friendship, what do I do now?
There is no simple answer to this question, because there are several types of friendships. Some friendships do not have to stop. Sometimes, there is just a need for more space from one side. For example, a friendship where a person appears to be strongly dependent, is perhaps difficult for people to break because they feel guilty. The best thing you can do is, indicate that you also need time and space for other things and friendships. If someone respects this wish, there is no need to break up the friendship. This also goes for a friendship that consumes a lot of your energy. The best thing you can do is tell the person that you feel this way and you would like more space. If someone respects this, there is no need to break up the friendship. If not, you can stop putting energy in the friendship, knowing that you tried. In summary, friends should always be able to be honest to each other, even if it is about their friendship.

A while ago I wrote a blog post about trust. I mentioned that when friendships get too intense, I pull back. I distance myself, because I am afraid of getting hurt.

My best friend
When me and my ex boyfriend broke up, it was very hard on my friend too. Understandable, since they are also friends. He started telling negative stuff about me and she suffered from that. She asked me to give her some space, we could rebuild the friendship later on. But from this moment, the friendship was on hold.

For the first time I did not want a friendship to end: I panicked. I was afraid of losing her. The one friend I shared everything with. I met my current partner S.C. at her birthday party. I thought everything was perfect as it was. My best friend and my partner, my two best buddies in my life, were also friends. But unfortunately, it did not seem to work out this way.

I wanted to be friends again, but what about her?
The first four months I did what she asked me to: I did not reach out to her and only contacted her when I had a good reason. For example the day her grandma died. She told me she appreciated that I got in touch with her that day. Also when I sent her messages asking her how she was doing, she replied. But when those four  months had passed, I felt like I had to choose: continue or end the friendship. After some texting she told me she missed me and that it might be time to meet again.

So three weeks later we did. I was very nervous when she rang the doorbell. We looked at each other and hugged. I missed hugging her! We had some lunch and it felt like the old times again. Of course, we have talked about what happened, but a lot had already been said. I got my best friend back and we can still trust each other.

Another important (broken) relationship
Two years ago I had a discussion with my grandparents: they did not agree with some of the choices I made. That is OK, but I am the boss of my own life. They realized, we made up and celebrated Christmas together. But a couple of months later it backfired. I got a burnout and my grandparents blamed me for not visiting them anymore, we lost contact. Difficult times, they were on my mind a lot. But I could not find the courage to visit them. And I was stubborn, why should I be the one who made the first step again?

An enlightening night
I had a nice evening with my friends last saturday. And of course, you  have the best conversations in the middle of the night! It became clear to me that I had to end this fight with my grandparents. We talked about it and because of my friends I got a clear conclusion: I should either make up with them or we should part ways. But this void keeps bugging me.

It was time…
Two days ago I found the courage to visit them. I went there without telling them I was coming, so I could change my mind if I wanted to. No obligations, just doing what feels right.

And there I was, in the living room. Two persons welcoming me with open arms. It felt strange, I expected them to be angry with me. I got a bowl of soup and we talked about my life. It felt like the old times. But after the meal I felt like I had to say something.

I can hear myself say: I am here for a reason…
And I suprised  myself. Did I really take the lead in the conversations? Will I be able to do this without stammering and will I be able to say what I want? I got very nervous, but implemented everything I have learned into my conversation. And with success! I was clear, set my boundaries and said everything I wanted to say.

I go home with a good feeling and I am proud of what I just did. This was the first step and I will find out later  whether it was a step in the right direction or not. It might be that in the end I do want to part ways, but for now I want to see where this goes.

The song of this week is different from the songs I used to share with you. It is an instrumental cover of one of my favourite songs. Latch of Simply Three. And if you like it: de videoclip is amazing!

Do you want to rebuild a relationship again? Try it. If I can do it, you can too!

Love, Renée x

The past year has been eventful. From feeling down to feeling happy and showing my true self. In this blog post I want to share my positive moments in 2017 with you.

Of course, negative things happened, but I think it is also important to share the good stories! Unfortunately, we often forget positive experiences, since negative experiences have a bigger impact on your memory.

An invisible girl

Conquering my insecurities has been a big eye-opener for me. I used to be the girl in the back, now I am a woman who dares to show who she is. This made it possible for me to dare to make choices for myself.

For example choosing a study in a direction which makes me happy and being bold enough to contact an employer I wanted to work for. And both succeeded! It has been such a great learning experience!

I also began to write blog posts for NiceDay this year. Another step in the right direction and I never thought it would feel so natural. This is already blog post number 20!

Therapy

Ending group therapy after 9 months. Every thursday morning I used to be in a room of women who are trying to help themselves and each other. Leaving that behind feels great, I feel strong. Next to group therapy, I also started trauma therapy in January. It has been difficult, but I found the woman I was looking for: Renée. It is me and no one else!

I also fought (and more or less conquered) anorexia and PTSD. The support of my loved ones helped me a lot. If I look back, I can be very proud of myself because on what I have achieved this year.

Private life

The relationship with my parents grew stronger after I started to tell them what was going on in my mind. They got an idea of my battle and saw it growing inside me. It felt so great to finally share my thoughts! I never want to stop talking about my issues anymore. I also dealt with the conflicts I had with persons who mean something to me. This has been so important for me, I am so happy I dared to confront myself.

Health

I knew my health was not completely fine. This year I finally dared to look for the cause of the problems, to find out what I need to make it better. It gives rest to work on my health, both my physical and mental well-being. I can see it matters.

Enjoying life

I can enjoy life again! A motor ride, a good book or a glass of wine on the couch. A spontaneous dance in the living room when a good song plays, four episodes of my favorite series… Great, right?! Or a burst of laughter with my love, tears of laughter even, I missed that so much! But it is back!

Grateful

I will use this moment to express gratitude to all of my loved ones. They never gave up on me, even when I was having a hard time. I think I do not express it much enough, so:

Dear parents and their partners: thank you for all the hours on the couch, a shoulder to cry on and for all the support! I cannot say it often enough, thank you for being there for me. During good and bad times.

Dear R.K. We are friends for 4 years now and you are one of the most loyal followers of my blog posts. Thank you for hearing my stories, drinking glasses of wine with me, being crazy together and for the book. Cheers on many more years together!

J.T. Another loyal follower of the blog posts! Thank you for the support and sweet words last year. I know you are going through a rough time right now. But you will get through it too! Together with you loving partner, you can do it!

I vd S. We are reunited! Thank you for listening to me. I do not want to lose you as a friend, you are so important for me. Cheers to a lot of motor rides and glasses of wines in 2018, but without combining those activities!

My sweet mother in law, turning her laptop on every wednesday to read my blog post, to talk about it next day during dinner. Thanks for the trust and openness. I hope we can keep on laughing together!

M.G., thank you for the hugs, support and dances! It is one hour in the week which is very important to me. Upcoming year we will rock the dancefloor, I look forward to it!

Sweethearts: C&L, B.J., P. de L, M&N and L den B. You also have a place in my heart. It is so great that your door is always open for me, also when I am not doing well. But also when I do feel well! I am very happy to have you!

And lost but not least… My partner, my best friend, my buddy. Thank you for being there. We can laugh, but also talk. You do not blame me for making mistakes. You try to understand me and love me for who I am. I can be myself, I can also show my not-so-good qualities. I can sing completely off key next to you in the car without any shame, and you embrace my clumsiness. I love you, cheers to the New Year!

Cheers to having all of you in my life in 2018!

This weeks song is a song which is very close to my heart. Teach me how to be loved by Rebecca Ferguson. A powerful woman, with a beautiful voice and a lot of emotion in her music.

See you next year! Love, Renée x