It’s time. Time to choose me. I want to do a lot, but right now I just can’t. I try to be strong but at the end of the day that doesn’t work. It’s time. I will take half a year off. And to be very honest, this is very scary for me.

Working on autopilot

Do you know that feeling that the day passes by but you have no sense of time and you live in a kind of haze? I call it the autopilot. The autopilot is one of my survival mechanisms. Every day I do what I have to do without being aware of what I am actually doing. Probably this sounds a bit confusing. Suppose you are cycling, and your thoughts are somewhere else. You will cycle home the same route you always do, without noticing it. At home you realize that you came home unconsciously. That’s how I feel all the time. I do things without being aware of it, and yet this brings me to the end of the day. Sometimes there are times when I am fully aware of my actions, that feels so great.

Scary

And then all of a sudden it dawned on me that I can no longer live on autopilot. I have tried several things, like mindfulness. But I have a hate-love relationship with mindfulness. It doesn’t work for me. That’s why I will spend half a year on working on myself. Maybe even for a year, but I will see how it goes. I find it scary because I like to have control over what I’m doing.. As I wrote in my blog ‘Is this it?‘, I like to plan. I’ve always mapped out my life. If you’d told me this three years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. No way that I give up! But that was then. Because actually this is not giving up, this is fighting back. I am going fight against my demons without being able to flee into study or work.

Self love

I have been off for several weeks now. When the summer started, I didn’t know what to do. I was so tired of studying and working. I agreed with myself (and also with my therapist: P) to be nice for myself. So, I am going to give myself a dose of self-love. What that looks like? Not being too strict for myself and stop when my body tells me to. Now I don’t have any obligations for half a year, I can also pick up my other hobbies: playing the piano, singing, reading and writing!

Yes, it’s scary. Terribly scary. But everyday I’m a bit more convinced that I made the right choice.

Quote with this story: Self love will save your soul – R.H. Sin (from The Minds Journal)

Love,

Ghyta