The sky is turning grey. After only a few minutes, I see thick raindrops falling on the garden tiles. I’m staring outside. In the background I can hear a mix of the rain and the song “Rollercoaster”, by Danny Vera. A wave of sadness comes over me and suddenly everything seems out of balance. I am at the threshold of adult life, fear takes over my body. I feel like I’m losing control. A voice inside of me says: “I am the one who has to take back control, otherwise everything will fall to pieces.”
Adult life is quite overwhelming from time to time. There are times where I feel like I can totally handle this and everything is going well. A lot of great things are coming my way. I’m enjoying these positive experiences, but in the back of my head I’m afraid that I’ll lose everything just as easily as it came to me. It feels like the world is falling away from under my feet, for only the slightest things. At times like these I feel small and I ask the universe why this is happening to me. This goes hand in hand with different emotions: lots of sadness, anxiety and anger. I feel paralyzed. All I can do is cry and everything hurts. It’s making me sick. The vulnerable child inside of me is coming out. I retreat to my home base, in the warm embrace of my mother.
After four days I notice a shift in my brain. I slowly start seeing the ligth again and I convince myself that this feeling will eventually pass. My freinds and family are there to support me. They are so angry for me and hate seeing me like this. “Your time will come”, they keep telling me. I get myself together, take a long shower and let all the weight slide off my shoulders. I tell myself: “It’s not worth letting this get you down like that. Look around you, Ghyta. Look at what you have RIGHT NOW, not at what you don’t have (yet) or could’ve had”. The more I repeat these words, the more I start to believe in them. And that is how, each day, I wake up with a little bit less pain and sorrow.
It can happen sometimes that drastic changes can bring you out of balance. Time will stand still for a little while. It will hurt, but eventually you will have the choice to wake up in the morning, thinking: today I choose to live.
Every month, Ghyta writes moving stories about her own personal experiences. Did you love this blog, and would you like to read more of her writing? Click here.