It was a long day. When I get home I think to myself, “I am completely done with it.” But what is ‘it’? This day? Or is there more causing this feeling?
My dreams
When I was about six years old, I sat at the back of my mother’s car on a Wednesday afternoon. We drove past a high school. Every time we passed by, I told my mother, “I’ll go to this school later.” I do not know why I wanted to go to that school. However, six years later I ended up in that high school. I was in a mixed havo / vwo class for the first two years of high school, after which we received advice about which level suited best. I wanted to go to VWO, which eventually worked out. In the field of career I also knew exactly what I wanted to do: working in the legal world. This too came true. After high school I started my Bachelor’s degree in European and Dutch Law and in a few weeks I will have my bachelor’s degree. But … is this it? Is this how I want to continue the rest of my life? Always thinking what I’m going to do something and let this come true? Do I want that? Because sometimes it feels like a boring routine!
The final exams
When I was eighteen, I had the final exams. I was so happy when I finished them. After this, two nerve-racking weeks followed. I had a dream the night before I got the results. I dreamed that I was talking to my grandmother who passed away. She told me that I did not succeed. I remember that I asked her if I could change anything about it, but she did not answer to this. Then my dream turned into a different dream. I ran across the street and a bullet hit my shoulder. I passed out and I fell on the floor. Then I woke up. Somehow I knew I did not pass my exams. Around 14:42 my mentor called with the news that I had to do a retake. I had to get at least 8 out of 10 to still succeed. Long story short: I had to do the last year of VWO again. This too had an influence on my mapped life plan. I could not start my law studies yet.
My depression
When I was twenty, my life colored grey. I got depressed. I could not accept it and so continued to study. However, ‘studying’ consisted of being physically present in the lectures and working groups, however mentally I wasn’t there. Studying was more difficult due to lack of sleep and concentration problems. There was a day that I visited the study advisor to make a plan for the upcoming last year. I would do it in two years to reduce pressure. Again, my whole plan got ruined and I had no control over it.
And now?
Now I am twenty-three, and I want to change myself. Making career is not the only thing that life is about. I will not find the ultimate happiness in my work. It is very nice that I will have my diploma and a nice job, but if I am not happy myself, what kind of value
Nothing will work unless you do – Maya Angelou
Love, Ghyta
