In the Netherlands, more than 1 in 3 marriages ends in divorce. That’s a big part, but it wasn’t always as easy as it is now. Take Sylvia’s mother for example, who wanted to divorce her husband in 1950. First, she had to provide evidence of adultery, only then were they allowed to divorce. Since the 1971 Divorce Act, divorcing has become a lot easier. This new law had an immediate effect: in the following years the number of divorces doubled! You may therefore ask, as humans are we made to stay together for a longer period of time? And what is the success of a long-term relationship?

The physiological stages of a relationship

First, let’s get back to the heart of a relationship between two people. Professor of physiology Jan Hindrik Ravesloot explains how the physical process works when you fall in love and enter into relationships, on the basis of three phases:

  • Sex drive

It starts with your sex drive. Your body is controlled by testosterone, and this hormone motivates people to enter into sexual relationships with each other.

  • Falling in love

Then you fall in love. The physical reaction in the second phase works as follows: when you fall in love the amount of dopamine in your body increases. This neurotransmitter ensures that every time you see someone you are in love with, your nerve cells receive a signal. This allows you to experience feelings of joy, euphoria and pleasure. You want nothing more than to be with that one person!

  • Pairing

The third phase starts when the infatuation ends. You notice that the person you used to be so in love with, can also annoy you. Other considerations will therefore play a role: does it make sense to stay together and build a life together? Physiologically, the cuddle hormone oxytocin plays an important role in this phase. When you are intimate and committed to each other, this creates more oxytocin and motivates you to stay together.

Love versus lust

Looking at the physiological response, you are only “in love” for a short while. So, more is needed to keep a relationship successful in the long term.

In the Ted Talk The secret of desire in a long-term relationship (NL), Psychologist Esther Perel discusses the difference between lust(desire) and love (love). If you consider the original purpose of marriage, it was mainly for economic and reproductive reasons. Now, we are looking for more. We still want to be intimate with someone for longer periods of time and build a stable relationship. At the same time, we, both men and women, also need adventure, surprise and novelty. We want to settle with someone, but we also expect adventure from the same person. As Perel says in her Ted Talk: “We want a passionate long-term relationship, and here is the contradiction between love and desire.”

If you look at the above phases, you would prefer to extend the feelings from the second phase (falling in love) to the longer term. The feeling of novelty, excitement and adventure! Since you physically enter a phase where the falling in love ends, the success of a long-term relationship lies in things other than just falling in love.

A successful relationship

According to Perel, there are three important things people mention when it comes to their relationship success:

  • People are most attracted to their partner when they don’t see him or her for a while. It is precisely at the moment of absence that you start to long for someone and feel more attracted to that person.
  • It is seen as attractive when your partner is in his or her element, enjoying themselves at a party, and is successful in what he or she does. If you look at someone from a distance, this can give a new perception. This can give something innovative and trigger the mysterious and attractiveness in someone. With “lust” it is about the desire from a distance, it is therefore attractive when you see someone from a distance.
  • What was often mentioned is continuing to surprise each other and laugh together. Surprising each other can provide a new trigger (even if it isn’t something new). You show new aspects of yourself and this is seen as attractive.

A good addition to this is what professor of physiology Ravesloot says about the happiness of a long-term relationship. According to him, the best relationships are between people who both have great lives. It is therefore important to make your own life fun and inspire each other at the same time. It is always good to focus on your own happiness first. Do you want to read more about the pursuit of happiness? Then also read this article about being happy.

Difficult periods come and go; they are part of life. Such a period can take minutes, hours, weeks, months or years and can be about a personal situation, an event, a pandemic or an uncomfortable feeling. Whatever it is, we’re not doing well. That’s okay, we’re allowed to have these feelings. In this blog I will provide you with a tip for retaining vitality in difficult periods. 

Make a list

When going through a difficult period it can be very helpful to have a list of things that could help you when you’re feeling down. A list like this can provide guidance and be comforting. It can consist of different kind of things, such as:

Where do I start?

You can create one of these lists in your NiceDay diary, or make it on paper. Are you creative? Try to make a collage with drawings and/or stickers (a mindful exercise) and hang it on a spot where you can easily see it everyday. Here’s an example of one of those collages:

NiceDay list

Do you need some help going through your difficult period? Click here for more information about online help via NiceDay.

Do you recognize the following situation? Your son is lingering to eat his sandwich, no matter how much you try to rush him. You’re already running late, when suddenly he drops his cup of milk on the floor. You completely lose it; you start yelling, when normally you never would have. Afterwards, you feel incredibly guilty. What exactly happened here? Try to look at it according to the bucket metaphor.

The bucket metaphor

This bucket contains a certain amount of water (the water = tension). Once the bucket is completely full, adding the least amount of water (tension) will already cause it to run over. You notice this because you start reacting very emotionally. You become angry or sad, you feel like you can’t take it anymore or you have a sense of total helplessness. You did not reduce your tension in time (take water out of the bucket). This caused it to keep filling up with water. The bucket then becomes so full, that even the slightest amount of stress or strain is enough to cause the bucket to overflow, with all the consequences that entails.

In the ideal situation you ensure that your bucket contains as little water as possible. You will have a large reserve for when a situation arises that causes you tension, such as the death of a loved one or an upcoming renovation.

Taking water out of your bucket

It is very important that you find a good balance between tension and relaxation. Work, running the household, the kids, obligations; these all count as tension. There must be sufficient relaxing activities in return. Think of social contacts and sports, but also watching television, reading, listening to music, breathing exercises or relaxation exercises. This last category in particular ensures a real reduction in tension.

Too many activities

It might sound strange, but you can also create too much tension by taking on too many activities (even if they are relaxing activities!). Ending your long work day with an hour workout, cooking and doing the dishes, followed by drinks with your friends may sound fun, but it can be too much. Doing this once every few weeks won’t do any harm, but repeating it on a daily basis can cause too much stress or tension.

Listen to your body

Everyone has their own balance between (mental or physical) tension and (mental or physical) relaxation. You are your own best advisor in this! So, regularly try to notice what your body needs; do you need a quiet night in, or do you need a bit of physical activity? Your body will tell you when you take the time to listen to it! Your professional can help you find a good balance, or download the NiceDay app. Here you can register your activities and feelings, which will help you see when you should take some more time for relaxation.

A relationship can be something enjoyable and exciting, but it’s not always all rosy. If there are repeating conflicts, if someone doesn’t put enough energy in the relationship or if someone has been unfaithful, there can be intense negative emotions. Ultimately, if you’re unable to resolve these feelings, new problems in your relationship may arise. A possible solution? Mapping your relationship.

Examine your needs

If you’re experiencing problems in your relationship, it can help to map your relationship. You can do this by writing down both your and your partner’s needs and expectations into two circles. These circles are central to who you are as a person and who your partner is. The workability of the relationship can be examined by the amount of overlap between these two circles. This can look like the following:

When making these circles, you can ask yourself whether the amount of overlap is sufficient enough for you to be happy with your relationship. Are you looking for your soulmate and are you expecting a 100% overlap? Or are you fine with less than 100%, because to you the perfect match doesn’t exist? Also, ask yourself what things you find important. Which aspects do you require  overlap? Is it loyalty? Having a good conversation partner? Or maybe you find having a good sex life very important. Ask yourself what you expect of a relationship!

Potential

If you have the feeling the there isn’t enough overlap in you and your partner’s needs, don’t start panicking right away. This offers possibilities to examine if your relationship has the potential to grow. That can be done in two ways: you both have to search for the middle way or one of you needs to change something in order to meet the others expectations.

Meet each other halfway

For example, if you have a lower sex drive than your partner, it doesn’t mean you can solve this by having sex more frequently. You will have to discover how you will meet each other halfway. A solution that you both feel good about. When something is too far away from your circle, you can ask yourself how much you’re willing to change to increase the overlap. Another example is If your partner wants to have an open relationship and have sex with multiple people. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to give up your own need for a monogamous relationship. There will always be limits. When  you reach these limits, your relationship might have reached its maximum potential, unless the other is willing to meet your expectations. So, you should also ask yourself if the potential of your relationship is enough for you to be happy.

Would like to read more about relationships? Take a look at this blog.

In a earlier blog I told you that I have a “self-care day” to meditate and reflect. A while ago I read the book Happy Life 365 by Kelly Weekers. I use this book as a guide to evaluate my life. In her book, Kelly explains a method for evaluating different parts of your life: yourself, vitality, work & career and love & relationships. You grade  these parts and you decide what grade you would want it to have. In this blog you can read how I reflect on my life

Yourself

I ask myself the questions: how happy am I? How do I feel? I give this feeling a grade by looking at my feelings from the past week. I track these feelings in the NiceDay App. Then I switch to my activities: how often have I been exercising? When did I meditate? Did I have time planned for relaxation? I make a list of things that made me feel good and things that gave me tension. What can I do to feel better about myself? What made me feel bad? What adjustments can I make to improve these negative factors in my life?

Vitality

Do I feel fit? restlessness, tired or active? I give my vitality a rating. And I explore where this feeling comes from. Have I been outside enough this past week? Have I played enough? Did I sleep enough? Or did I work too much, ate healthy or did I drank too much alcohol? Of course I look again at how I can make adjustments to improve the level of vitality.

Work & career

This section is about my job and how I felt at work last week. I also give this a grade and I look at various factors: how many hours did  I work, what was the atmosphere in the workplace or did I experience stress? 

Love & relationships

For this subject I make a list of people who have influenced me positively or negatively during the past week. I also give this a grade. When evaluating relationships, I find it important to reflect on my own feelings: “Why did person X make me feel that way?” And “What is my influence on this relationship?”

Actions points 

From the evaluation of these four parts, I make a small list of a maximum of ten “action points”, which I will work on in the following week. Last week, for example, that list looked like this:

  • Prepare well for an upcoming lesson
  • Make time for reading my book
  • Exercise a minimum of three times this week
  • Maintain the pleasant atmosphere at work by planning well and blocking parts of the day in my agenda
  • Forgive person X 
  • Maintaining the happy feeling in my relationship by continuing to plan fun evenings together

So should you ever feel the need to take a good look at your life? Here you have my tips! And do you want to know more about the lifescan and inspiration to make yourself feel happier on a daily basis? Read the book “Happy Life 365” by Kelly Weekers!

Love,

Mara