When the evening falls and my eyes are starting to feel heavy, I lift myself off the couch and head towards my favorite place: my bed. Ever since I was little my bed has been important to me. It stands for safety and security. I used to hide under the blankets, scared of monsters and burglars. When I got older my bed got another meaning: besides safety and security it gave me comfort. Feeling safe is a big topic in my life right now. I started asking myself with whom and where I feel safe, now that I am 25 years old. Did something change? Or do I still only feel safe in my own bed?
Where do you feel safe?
During multiple therapy sessions I have been asked where I feel most safe. In the beginning it took me quite some time to find an answer to that question. The only answer that would pop up was: I feel safe in my own bed. It was when I said it out loud that I started to realize. I felt sad that I didn’t feel safe while being with a person, but with an object. I thought something was wrong with me. Later I found out that it wasn’t the bed that gave me comfort, but the blanket. The weight of the blanket made me feel like I was being hugged. The warmth and softness of the blanket gave me peace and comfort and helped soften the pain.
With whom do you feel safe?
Two weeks ago I had another EMDR session. By the end of the session a memory came up. It was the Summer of 2016 and I had just returned home from a session with the POH-GGZ. I had told her about something that was extremely hard for me. Once I got home in my student home I burst into tears. I felt so much pain and sadness, but I was too scared to talk about it and felt so alone. To comfort myself I laid down in my bed with the heavy blanket wrapped around me. After telling my therapist about this memory she asked me the following: “If this were to happen now, who would you want to be with you?”. This time it didn’t take me long to know the answer.
I feel safe with you
I have said it so many times. With you I feel safe. At the same time my mind and my body aren’t on the same page. My mind keeps telling me that I am not allowed to feel safe with you and that I should ignore the feeling. My body on the other hand keeps telling me the exact opposite. I know where this battle is coming from. In my past there have been people that have violated my trust and therefore I am extra cautious when I start feeling attached to someone. I don’t easily open up to other people, only when I can physically feel that everything’s alright.
And that happened with you. I keep insuring myself that I don’t have to be afraid. That I don’t have to fear that you won’t treat my right. That the security that I feel with you is genuine and that I can trust my body on this. The inner battle is still ongoing and I accept that it is. That’s all I can do right now. There’s no use in fighting it.
Find all Ghyta’s experience stories here.