For a long time, I didn’t have the peace of mind to write. I suddenly realised that in only two weeks it’ll already be 2021. This year has flown by. I have reached milestones, but unfortunately haven’t been able to celebrate them due to corona. Besides that, so much was going on and my head just kept on spinning. Ever since a few weeks, I have been missing the balance in my physical and mental health. I have come so far, but the home stretch is weighing on me greatly.
Does your body strongly react to stress? Mine does. My body knows exactly how to respond when my boundaries are crossed. I get a stomach ache, eat less, have insomnia and start to dissociate. My initial reaction is always to ignore, turn off my feelings and to keep on going. But there comes a time that I will have to listen to my body. This happened to me a few weeks ago, when I was on the train. I didn’t feel any emotions, it is as if I was living in a blur. Suddenly I realised; this is a bad sign. I recognize this from before. For years I have lived without feeling anything. Eventually, this realisation isn’t a punishment but a blessing. My body warns me that I have to start making changes so that I can get back in touch with my feelings.
I’m a thinker. Actually, I’m an overthinker. The last few weeks I have been thinking about what to do with my life and whether I am happy. I still don’t know what I really want to do in life, but I have come a bit closer to the answer by knowing what I don’t want to do. Someone recently told me: “You already know the answer, listen to the voice inside you”. But listening to my inner voice is difficult, because I first need to take down a big wall before reaching my inner voice.
I think I can give a better answer to the question: are you really happy? It’s the little things that make me feel warm inside, such as being with my mom, hugging my cheeky rabbits or hanging out with a friend. I associate this feeling of warmth with happiness. It is a feeling of appreciation and content for the things you currently have. I won’t be able to be happy every single day, but that’s okay. Feelings are like waves; they go up and down. I’m already so happy that I can enjoy these small moments of happiness again. In the meantime I will just keep on going, looking for my place in this world.