We all spend more time at home during the pandemic. For those who live together with their partner, this means that they probably spend more time together than they did before. You would think that spending a lot of time at home together means that you have more time to have sex. What else is there to do, right? Well, in reality this usually isn’t the case and a lot of people have less sex during the pandemic.

Out of balance

Chances are that the pandemic has created major changes in your relationship. You probably see each other more often and have less time to yourself. You work together, cook together, eat together, hang out on the couch together and sleep in the same bed. There’s no longer a healthy balance between being together and having time to yourself. This disbalance often makes couples have less sex, and also decreases their quality of sex.

Feeling less attractive

Besides the disbalance in time, a lot of people feel a little bit less attractive. You hardly walk around in a nice suit anymore, and rather spend your time in comfortable clothing. It’s quite the achievement if you’ve even done your hair and put on a pair of jeans! Next to that, a lot of people have gained a little bit of extra (corona) weight. Nothing wrong with that! It’s not strange that you add on a few pounds during these stressful times, but for some people it could do something with their confidence. How you feel about yourself can influence your sex life. If you feel less attractive, you can be less open to sexual stimulation.

Stress

Stress influences your hormone levels. A result of experiencing a lot of stress can be a lower libido. For a lot of people, sex is last on their priority list right now. They might fear losing their job, or are worried about new corona measures.

Normalising

We’re all in a situation that has a major impact on our lives, more than we probably realise. So don’t be surprised if you and your partner don’t have as much sex right now, or if you notice that your libido isn’t as high. Just because you have less sex right now, doesn’t mean it will always be like that!

For some people, it is very clear who they are attracted to. But, for others, it isn’t as clear and they might be having some doubts about their sexual orientation. Others might be very sure about who they’re attracted to, but don’t feel comfortable with it yet. Finding out that you’re not attracted to the people you thought you were attracted to, can be confusing. Feelings of loneliness and insecurity are common. Another factor is the fact that sexual diversity is not accepted by everyone. Unfortunately, many non-heterosexual people face insults and even violence. This sometimes makes the process of self-acceptance very difficult.

What does the term “sexual orientation” mean?

Sexual orientation refers to emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to a different gender, same-sex, both or all genders, or having no attraction at all. The most well-known sexual orientations are heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and asexuality.

Everyone is unique and no person is the same. So, it’s not surprising that differences exist in sexual orientation as well! In this article I’ll discuss the most well-known sexual orientations (so not all of them). For example, you may have an asexual orientation. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. Want to know more about asexuality? Read more about it in this article.

You can also be pansexual. This means that you fall in love with people and that it doesn’t matter whether someone is a woman, a man, or something in between. ‘Pan’ means ‘everything’ in Greek. If you are attracted to someone of the same sex, then you have a homosexual orientation. If you like someone of the opposite sex, then you have a heterosexual orientation. You can also fall for both genders, then you are bisexual.

It’s not a choice

Your sexual orientation is not a choice; it’s in your nature, you’re born that way. And there’s nothing wrong with that! But just because you don’t have a choice, doesn’t mean the process of self-acceptance goes naturally. Discovering that you are gay, for example, can cause a lot of confusion and feelings of insecurity. Know that these feelings are normal and that you’re not strange.

What can you do?

Do you feel insecure about your sexuality or do you find it difficult to accept your sexuality? There are a few things you can do:

1. Discover your sexual orientation and take the time to find out exactly what your sexual preference is. It is normal to take a little longer and/or not be completely sure. For example, it may be that you thought you were bisexual, but after a while, you find out that you are homosexual or vice versa.
2. Give yourself time to get used to it. Some take longer for this than others. If you have a supportive environment, it will probably be easier to come out and accept your sexuality. But if your parents and/or close environment are less or not supportive, it is often difficult to admit your orientation.
3. Talk to someone you trust. Think of friends, family, colleagues. Perhaps you know someone close to you who is gay, bisexual, pansexual or asexual. By exchanging ideas, tips, and experiences you create a bond with each other. You will feel less insecure and alone. If you don’t have people around you that you trust, or if you don’t yet dare to talk about it with those around you, you can look for support via the Internet, help groups, and forums.
4. Give others space. Just as it took you time to discover how you feel and what your sexual preference is, it may also take others some time to understand it properly.
5. It is sometimes difficult to talk to others about your sexual orientation. Maybe you don’t dare yet because you are afraid of being rejected or not accepted. It can help to talk about it with someone you don’t know, someone who won’t judge you and is knowledgeable at the same time. A psychologist can help you in your search and acceptance process. During treatment, you learn to understand, accept and shape your sexual orientation. You don’t have to do it alone!

Help

Do you struggle with your sexual orientation, or does your environment not accept it? Bibi comes from a religious family, where her sexual orientation was difficult to accept. Because she was having a hard time with this, she sought help. Here you can read her story and experience with online help.

For more information about online help through NiceDay, click here.

Gender diversity is an increasingly hot topic in society and you may hear it more often. It describes the differences within the aspects of gender identity, role and expression. Because there is much more than just being a man or a woman! Some people do not fully identify with their biological sex. Do you know someone who is struggling with their gender identity, and do you want to know how you can best support them in this? A little extra knowledge on this topic can be the first step!

Sex and gender

To better understand gender diversity, it is important to know the difference between sex and gender.

Sex is the gender assigned to you at birth. This is determined, among other things, by your genes, hormones and genital characteristics.

Gender is the gender with which someone identifies. Culture and society play a major role in shaping your gender identity, among other things.

Terminology

Many terms exist to describe the different types of gender identity. Unfortunately, I cannot discuss all of them, but below you will find a number of them, which I hope can provide more insight.

Cis-gender

This term describes a person whose gender identity and biological sex are the same. An example of this is a biological man who also feels like a man.

Transgender

Transgender is the umbrella term for all people of whom their gender identity does not fully match the sex they were born with. For example, people can identify as male, while their biological gender is female, or vice versa. Others identify as male AND female, or they don’t feel male or female. There are so many variants in being transgender. The point is that gender can be experienced on a much broader spectrum than just men or women.

Unfortunately, many transgender people can struggle for years with feelings of discomfort about their gender identity. They may be dealing with negative reactions from others that make them feel lonely, sad, or anxious. It can be very difficult to embrace their identity and to proudly show it to the outside world.

Non-binary

Someone who identifies as non-binary does not fit into the binary boxes of man or woman. A person may feel masculine and feminine at the same time, or neither gender.

Transsexual

People who are transsexual really were born in the wrong body. They don’t feel at home in their body at all and they often want to change their sex completely. For example, a man wants to undergo a transition to become a woman; they consciously choose to undergo surgery. This is preceded by a long and difficult time, of swallowing hormones and living fully in the role of the opposite sex. They often experience condemnation from the people around them. It is a profound experience to undergo a transition, and it takes a great deal of courage and persistence to get through it.

Gender Dysphoria

The term gender dysphoria describes the feeling of discomfort when the assigned gender and gender identity do not match. It is often used in a medical context, and is made as an official diagnosis when someone is going through a medical transition. Taking hormones and continuing operations can reduce the feeling of gender dysphoria. For some transgender people, medical intervention is not necessary, and feelings of dysphoria can also be reduced in other ways – for example, by changing pronouns or names, or changes in appearance such as clothing and hair.

How can you be an ally for people struggling with gender identity?

• Know that there is no universal trans experience. Be aware that everyone experiences this in their own way. The above terms are helpful in gaining a better understanding of variations in identity, but it is up to the person to indicate what they identify with! We are not supposed to shove people into boxes.
• Ask what pronouns someone uses (e.g., he, they, who, them, their). Not everyone likes to be addressed with the same pronouns. When you make a mistake, don’t just say sorry. Improve yourself and continue the conversation using the right pronouns. Correct others too when they use the wrong pronoun for a transgender person.
• Avoid calling people “transgender”, say “transgender person or people” instead.
• If you are made aware of an offensive statement you made, do not argue with them. Try to understand why someone finds it unpleasant.
• Most importantly, immerse yourself in the topic of gender and sexuality as much as possible, to gain a good understanding of what the other is experiencing. Be open, curious and non-judgmental in conversation!

Good and comfortable sex with your partner can be greatly fufilling and for some people is an important part of a romantic relationship. But how can I improve my sex life with my partner? It starts by talking about it! You can’t expect your partner to know what you like, what you’re comfortable with and what you want without telling them. Good communication with your partner builds confidence and trust in one another, which is vital for a good sex life. 

Talk about it!

Sex takes ‘two to tango’ and the individuals involved often come from different walks of life. Therefore their expectations, history and desires around sex can be vastly different from another. That is why it is important to talk about sex. Sex can have many phsyical, mental and emotional benefits. 

Talking about sex doesn’t just have to involve talking about our sexual fantasies or desires, it can cover a vast range of topics. Some of these topics could include:

• Sexual health 
• Safe sex & Birth Control. 
• Pleasure
• Frequency
• Limits
• Consent
• Fantasies 
• Dealing with differences
  

Giving even more importance to start and to continue to clearly communicate about sex with your partner.

The best way to talk about sex

We have briefly discussed the importance of talking about sex (and you can find more information about this in this blog, and the benefits of sex in this blog), but now I want to go more in depth on the best way to talk about sex.

Talking about sex can be difficult and awkward, we tend to fear criticism or judgement when revealing our intimate thoughts and desires, or you might be scared that you hurt the feelings of your partner. So difficult that around only 50% of us do it, according to a survey of 4000 people conducted by Lehmiller. So here are some tips to help you go about it. 

• Pick your moment

It might seem like a good idea to talk about sex just before or just after the act has taken place, but this may not always be the case, in particular when it may have some negative connotations. In these situations we can feel more vulnerable and exposed than usual. It can be better to pick a more neutral moment. Even planning a time to talk about it with your partner can be helpful to remove the surprise and resistance surrounding the topic. Try to avoid talking about it when they are tired, hungry or feeling low.

• Be positive

Try to frame your statement in a positive way, and start with a positive point before saying something negative. Try to make suggestions, instead of complaining. By complaining the other person may feel attacked, criticized or threatened. Try to use ‘I’ statements as well. For example ‘’I really would like”, or ‘’I get turned on when’’ rather than ‘’don’t do this’’. This is less attacking and puts the responsibility in your own hands. And don’t forget to tell your partner when they do something that you do like! 

• Be clear & respectful

Decide what you want to say beforehand, it might be helpful to write down the main things you want to say, but keep the points to a minimum. It can be easy to mumble or make vague statements about what you want, but this leaves a lot of room for interpretation and can result in problems further down the line, such as feelings. Be clear about what you’re trying to say so that your partner can understand, thisi is particularly important for example when you dont feel like having sex for one reason or another. If misinterpreted, this can lead to feelings of rejection.

• Express yourself

Be honest and express your desires, concerns, insecurities and expectations. Lehmillers research also reported that 97% of fantasies fall under the same categories. So even if it feels taboo, chances are that it is not. Exploring our desires can increase our intimacy and connection with our partner.

• Follow-up!

This part cannot be understated. This shouldn’t be a one time thing but an on-going conversation. Follow up on how it’s been since you had the first conversation; have things been going better? Be vocal about it!  As people our needs and desires change over time, with age, context and experience. Our relationships also change and develop over time, therefore it important to continue to talk about sex with one another.

Not wanting to have sex is okay!

Although sex is an important part of life for many people, there are many reasons why people may not want to have sex, for example asexuality, a low libido, religious reasons or a medical condition, and this is completely normal too!  Sex isn’t necessary for a happy, healthy and loving life!

If you are having issues in your sex life or need some extra support talking about sex with your partner, don’t hesistate to reach out for help! Click here for more information about online help via NiceDay.

There is no big book of rules on how to organize your sex life. What is normal to some, is abnormal to others and vice versa. What one person speaks very openly about, is taboo to someone else. But why do sex-related taboos exist? Isn’t it better to just get rid of them? By writing about all kinds of different questions, problems and views around sex, I hope to break sex-related taboos. Will you join me on this mission?

Have you done “it” yet?

The older we get, the more we assume that we already have or should have done “it”. There are all kinds of prejudices about people who are virgins at a “later” age. There does not have to be a specific reason (such as religion) for someone’s virginity. Maybe it just hasn’t happened (yet) or the need for sex isn’t there (yet). There is nothing wrong with waiting long(er) to have sex for the first time. There is nothing you should and must have done before a certain age: as long as you do what makes you feel good.

Are my fantasies crazy?

Having sexual fantasies increases sexual tension and arousal. In addition, we cannot choose our fantasies, so you really don’t have to be ashamed of them. When it comes to fantasies, anything is possible! Think about having threesomes, BDSM, orgies or having sex with the neighbour. There are studies that state that women can achieve orgasms just by having a fantasy. Moreover, having fantasies often goes hand in hand with an improved sex life. You can choose to share your fantasies with your (bed) partner, but you can certainly choose to keep them to yourself as well. If you want to read more about sexual fantasies, click here!

I can’t come

If you do not or do not always manage to come, I want to reassure you with the following: many people have problems achieving an orgasm. Despite this fact, it can still be hugely frustrating. “Is there something wrong with me? When will it come?”, are thoughts that can arise during sex, with the result that you cannot enjoy yourself optimally. Try to let go of the thoughts of coming and try to shift your attention to the now. Focus on your partner and on the intimacy you are experiencing and have fun! 

I like watching porn

Anyone who has access to the internet can access pornography, it’s that simple. Porn aims to make you sexually aroused, so it is not surprising if you experience watching porn as pleasant. Moreover, porn can also inspire you and/or can learn you new things that you can apply in your own sex life. Sidenote: It is important to realize that the way sex is portrayed does not match reality. This means that it is important to look at porn with a critical eye.

I have a low sex drive

Everyone differs in the degree to which he / she needs sex. You may also have noticed that your libido is not the same all the time. Sometimes you feel like having sex and sometimes you don’t. A lower sex drive is normal and there are often several reasons for this. Stress and sadness, for example, are factors that contribute to a reduced libido. I think it is important to investigate what your need is and once investigated, responding to this need. You never have to go beyond your own limits. If you don’t feel like having sex, it is important to communicate with your (bed)partner. This way you know what you can expect from one another. 

Do I have a sex addiction?

How often someone engages in sex differs per person. In addition, the stage of life you are in also influences how often you might want to have sex.  You probably do not have a sex addiction as long as it does not bother you (for example, whether your genitals hurt from excessive masturbation or excessive sex) and as long as you are not hindered by it in your daily life. If you notice that your behavior has negative consequences (such as becoming socially isolated, lacking sleep and / or financial problems) for you and / or your environment, and you do not seem to have control over your behavior and thoughts, it is advisable to seek professional help. Sex addiction can often be treated well, you don’t have to go though this alone.

There are of course many more sexual topics that are taboo, what else can you think of? Talk to each other! To break sexually related taboos it is necessary to speak openly about sexually related topics. It may be uncomfortable at first, but the more often you discuss these certain topics, the more the embarrassment will disappear.

Many people now know that sex is good for your physical health. For example, sex can strengthen your immune system. Through the physical exertion your blood will flow faster: this will have a positive effect on your heart, blood vessels and can burn fat. Your body will also produce endorphins which reduces pain; for example, headaches can dissapear due to sex. In this blog, we’ve already discussed the physical benefits of sex. But what are the benefits of sex on your mental health?

The benefits

The act of sex can take place easily; without clear consent, when you don’t feel like it or even if you associate negative feelings with it. Sex is not about frequency or performance. It is about your sexual feelings, wishes and desires: these can be different for everyone. Therefore it is important that you have sex when you want it and with someone who feels the same way. Only then will it benefit you!

What are the benefits of sex for your mental health? Below I will discuss a number of them.

• Self-confidence, confidence and communication

Having sex or talking about sex together creates intimacy and connection. Research results show that your self-confidence increases and your sexual health improves if you can discuss sex. Especially when you talk about what you like, what your insecurities are or the use of contraception. Talking about sex reduces shame and discomfort. This increases your self-confidence and creates a bond of trust. In the end you will have sex in which you respect, protect and fulfill each other’s sexual desires.

• Getting to know yourself and the other

Everyone differs in the extent to which they want or need sex: everyone has a libido type. Friction can arise between (sex) partners if these libido types differ. For example, one person may see sex as a form of love. In this case, if the other person does not feel like having sex, this can easily feel like rejection to the other person. In this article you can find out what you or the other person’s libido type is. This can help you understand each other’s needs and how to deal with the differences in sex drive.

• Vitality and creativity

When you have had sex you feel young, alive and relaxed. This is partly due to the hormone estrogen, which is released in greater amounts during sex. When your estrogen level rises, you feel better about yourself, confident, optimistic and creative. The hormone oxytocin is released through intimacy and touch: it creates a pleasant and relaxed feeling. Sex also releases the hormone dopamine: dopamine generates more energy, makes you more optimistic and stimulates your creativity. If you have sex regularly, your dopamine system gets a boost.

• Fantasies

Psychotherapist Esther Perel explains that sexual fantasies show us desires that may make our lives more enjoyable and intense. Psychologist Lehmiller argues that we do not express our fantasies enough to our sexual partner. This is because we think our fantasies are taboo. While research shows that partners who do discuss their fantasies scored higher on “happiness” than those who kept it secret. In this article you can read more about fantasies.

• Decreased depression and loneliness

If there is a difference between how often you want sex and the degree to which you are sexually active, it can cause sexual frustration. Lack of touch and sex can make you feel down and lonely. This feeling can arise when you are single, but also in a relationship. People who are sexually frustrated tend to be more depressed. This can be due to several things: lack of sex (a basic human need), lack of intimacy within a relationship, or medical problems. Do you recognize this feeling and does it cause you suffering? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Together with a professional you can look at what you are missing, what you long for and how you can work towards that.

NiceDay

Do you recognize yourself in the above? Or do you find it difficult to talk about sex with your (sex) partner? You can find some practical tips on how to do that here. Or do you not identify with any of the above and don’t feel any excitement at all when it comes to sex? That is also possible! You might find this article on asexuality interesting. The bottom line is: recognize and understand your own needs and act accordingly. That may or may not mean sex.

When you’re feeling a bit down, you may have less sex drive. However, research shows that sex can actually have a positive effect on your physical and mental health. Curious about the positive influence of sex? Then keep reading!

Relaxation

When you suffer from complaints concerning your mental health, taking the time to relax is very important. Sex has been shown to help you relax, and sexual contact produces the hormone oxytocin, also known as the hugging hormone. This hormone provides relaxation and tranquility. Sex also appears to help with relaxation in the longer term. A Scottish study shows that people who have recently had sex are better able to deal with stressful situations such as public speaking. Finally, it also appears that, if oxytocin is structurally available in your body, the effect of relaxation increases. It therefore seems a plausible conclusion that if you have sex more often, you will also experience more and more relaxation. In this case, practice makes perfect seems like an appropriate saying!

Physical health benefits

Sex is good for many aspects of your physical health. Good physical health in itself supports your resilience and mental health.

• Immune system

Research from the University of Wilkes (Pennsylvania) shows that students who were more sexually active (sexual contact once or twice a week) had a better resistance to bacteria and viruses than students who had less sexual contact.

• Fitness and heart health

When you have sex, your heart rate goes up, just like when you’re exercising. Just like exercising, sexual contact lowers the risk of cardiovascular problems and improves your fitness. Research shows that men who have sex twice a week have a reduced risk of a heart attack.

• Pelvic floor

During sex you use your pelvic floor muscles. Pelvic floor problems, especially in women, can be prevented by training the pelvic floor muscles regularly or by having regular sexual contact.

• Prostate

Research also shows that men who have an orgasm more than twenty-one times a month, have a reduced risk of prostate cancer compared to  men who orgasm four to seven times a month.

Sleep

Many people who suffer from mental complaints have difficulty falling asleep. Sex right before bed can help you fall asleep. This is due to the oxytocin that is released, which makes you relax and fall asleep more easily. Good sleep in itself also has a positive influence on your mental and phsyical health in many other ways; sex before going to sleep is therefore a win-win situation!

Feeling connected

Finally, sexual contact helps you to feel connected to someone else. Having contact with other people is important if things aren’t going well for you. Feeling connected with someone else can support the recovery of your mental complaints. Do you have a partner or a sexual relationship in a different form? Try to initiate some good lovemaking. Every little bit helps when you’re recovering from mental complaints. Maybe having more sex can support your recovery process.

Although there are many benefits to sex, it is important to add that we know that many people with mental complaints do not feel the need for sexual contact. It is important to listen carefully to your feelings. Sex against your will is of course never the intention!

Sexual desires; they are often seen as taboo. If you have sexual desires that you are afraid to express, you can of course fantasize about them. Psychologist Esther Perel explains that sexual fantasies show us the desires and scenarios that may make our lives more enjoyable and intense. In her sessions with clients, she noticed that they dared to talk openly about their sexual fantasies in therapy. However, outside of therapy they did not seem to feel the freedom to discuss them with their partner. This reluctance is partly due to the taboo surrounding it and because fantasies are often seen as immoral, forbidden and perverse. But why are sexual fantasies often taboo? Aren’t sexual fantasies completely normal?

Why do we have sexual fantasies?

Justin J. Lehmiller researched 4175 Americans for his book “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life“. He asked them why they have sexual fantasies. The most common answer was that fantasies increase sexual arousal; it is exciting. But there can be much more behind a fantasy.

If you’re curious, fantasizing allows you to think about new sexual experiences and sensations. It is also possible that a fantasy can fulfill a certain need. You can escape reality for a while in a fantasy. For example, you can fantasize about a possible future sexual encounter. Or maybe there is a taboo on something you would like to do and you start fantasizing about it. In other words, sexual fantasies can have different functions.

Common sexual fantasies

The same study by Lehmiller also looked at the most common fantasies. The following seven sexual fantasies were often mentioned:

• Sex with multiple partners such as threesomes and orgies. In the survey, 89% indicated that they regularly fantasize about this.
• BDSM activities involving power, control and rough sex. The survey showed that 65% fantasize about this. The appeal of this is the combination of pain and pleasure.
• Adventure and innovation. The fantasizing can be about sex with someone else, in a new place or about new positions. For example, someone who has been in a relationship for a long time may fantasize about having sex with someone besides their partner. Or someone who always has sex in bed can fantasize about having sex in public.
• Non-monogamous relationship. Fantasizing in this case can be about having an open or polygamous relationship. Fantasizing about this shows the need for adventure.
• Passion and romance. Fantasizing about sex in which you are very loved.
• Sex with your own gender. There is also a lot of fantasizing about having sex with your own gender. This is mainly because people tend to push the boundaries, also when it comes to sexuality and identity.

Sexual fantasies provide depth

Due to the taboo that surrounds our sexual fantasies, according to Lehmiller, we speak too little about them to our sexual partner. His research shows that three quarters of those questioned hope to be able to fulfill their greatest fantasy one day. It also appears that partners who do discuss their fantasies score higher on “happiness” than those who keep it a secret. According to him, it would therefore be good if fantasies were made more discussable.

Fantasizing about sex can give more meaning to our lives. According to Perel, sexual fantasies give us insight into our emotional needs, and according to Lehmiller, discussing these fantasies with our partners makes us happier. So we should no longer see sexual fantasy as taboo, but as enriching. It is very normal to have sexual fantasies. They can take us out of reality for a moment and increase our happiness. See it as an opportunity to expand your sex life!

Did you like this article and would you like to read more on the importance of talking about sex? Take a look at this article.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that people see as part of your identity. Like homosexuality, asexuality it’s not a sexual preference, but a specific attraction. Or in this case, no attraction at all. Do you sometimes wonder: am I asexual? In this blog I will explain asexuality and provide a list of useful tips.

Misconceptions about asexuality

There are a lot of misconceptions about asexuality. For example, that it means having a low libido or being celibate (no sex before marriage). However, asexuality refers to the absence of lust or desire when being exposed to sexual stimuli. Someone that is asexual can become sexually aroused, but doesn’t necessarily feel the need to perform a sexual act because of it.

A relationship without sex

A life without sex doesn’t have to mean that someone will have a lonely existence. Like many of us, a part of asexual people do feel the need to form a deep emotional bond with someone. It’s certainly possible to have a long term relationship without sex! However, within the relationship it’s important to do what feels comfortable to you. If you are sexually aroused, but you don’t want to share this arousal with your partner, masturbation can be a good solution. You can also discuss the needs of your partner and make specific rules with each other. Being intimate doesn’t only mean having sex, but can also mean cuddling or kissing!

Talk about it

Talking about asexuality can be quite the challenge. Asexuality is not very common, which can make it difficult for people to understand how they can deal with it. Below I will share a few tips:

• Try to determine what asexuality means to you. It may help to make a clear distinction between romantic and sexual attraction.
• Give others some space. Just like it took you some time to discover you’re asexual, it will take others some time to understand it.
• Try to be open about it. A closed book is difficult to read. Someone that’s not familiar with asexuality will have a lot of questions.
• Communication is key. Try to express your needs clearly. What do you want? Under which circumstances? What don’t you want? What do you expect from the other? And what can the other expect from you?
• Don’t do things you really don’t want to do. If your needs differ too much from the needs of your partner, you’re not forced to make concessions!
• Do you still wish to play a role in the (sexual) needs of your partner? Try to make very clear agreements and keep on communicating, so it won’t be at the expense of your mental health.

Do you want to read more about the importance of talking about sex? Take a look at this blog!

Sex and sexual functioning are an essential part of the quality of our life, in all stages of life. Sexual health is often associated with happiness, longevity and well-being. Depression or sadness can have a major impact on your sex life; if you are not feeling well, you may have little sex drive. In this blog I will discuss the effect of depression on your sex life.

Sexual problems

You can experience various sexual problems. One of these is feeling less desire; you don’t think about sex a lot, have less or no sexual fantasies and generally have little desire to have sex (low libido).

You can also have physical sexual problems. In a situation where you would normally be aroused, all of a sudden your body does not respond the way you are used to, or your body may never have. Think of getting and maintaining an erection or getting a wet vagina. This can make sexual contact difficult and very frustrating.

In addition, you can also experience problems with reaching a climax: an orgasm. For example, it can occur too soon, too late or no longer occur at all. Finally, there are sexual problems that are linked to pain, such as pain on penetration or it may even be impossible to insert anything.

Depression

What many people don’t know is that sadness often has an effect on our sex life. Research shows that 50% of people with depression experience sexual problems or have a sexual dysfunction. Only 25% of women and 50% of men with depression are sexually active. In 40% of men and 50% of women, sexual desire is reduced and about the same percentage has difficulties with getting physically aroused. Problems with having an orgasm affect 15 to 20% of women that suffer from depression. 12% of men last suffer from premature ejaculation and 22% of depressed men deal with delayed ejaculation.

Sex and Medication

The above figures refer to people who do not use medication for their depression. However, the use of antidepressants can also cause sexual problems. If you are on medication and experience this, discuss this with your practitioner. It is possible to choose another type of medication that does not have this side effect or in which the side effect is less invasive for example, but other solutions are also possible. Discuss it with your practitioner so that they can help you. Talking about it is often a relief in itself. So if you experience problems, know that you are not alone!

Depression and sexual functioning

The relationship between depression and sexual functioning is complex. The sexual problems can be a direct result of the depression. This is a form of anhedonia: no longer experiencing joy or pleasure. In addition, there are symptoms of depression such as negative self-esteem, increased guilt, tiredness and discomfort, which indirectly diminish the sense of sex drive. Depression is also associated with physical disturbances, especially in the nervous system, which affect the sexual functioning of the body.

Cause and effect

Sexual dysfunction can be the result of depression, but also its cause! Sexual dysfunction also means that the sexual image that someone has of himself or that the partner has of the other is not met. This can seriously disrupt self-esteem and contribute to depression. In that case, it may be wise to treat the sexual problem first before treating the depression.

Sexual problems can also result from other illnesses associated with depression. Just think of diabetes or hormonal abnormalities such as testosterone deficiency. That is why it is important to first rule out physical causes.

Other causes of problems with sexuality are grief, divorce or relationship problems. These can lead to depression as well as sexual dysfunctions. In that case, partner relationship therapy is a sensible addition to the treatment.

Tip

Make sex fun again! You can start by discovering what it is that you like or enjoy sexually. In the beginning it might be uncomfortable or you may have to make time for it, but it’s well worth it! It’s basically like picking up other things you enjoy doing. Gaining positive experiences ensures that you have them fresh in your memory and that you feel like doing something like this again sooner. By actively working on a positive experience yourself, you can gradually rebuild your sex drive. Do you have a partner? Start alone first, this may make you feel less pressured. By doing this you can slowly build up to do something fun together, and you will know exactly what you like!