The barrel of self-esteem is a psychological model for behavioural change. You can use this, for example, if you want to be happier with yourself, be more active or productive, suffer less from negative habits or experience more control and peace. The model assumes that the ability to solve your own problems depends on the amount of self-esteem you have. Two things are central within this model: the barrel  and the switches.

The barrel  

The barrel is a metaphor in which self-esteem is the liquid that ‘fills’ the barrel . The whole barrel symbolises everything that makes you a person: your thoughts, knowledge, memories, insecurities, character and so on. Within the barrel two parts can be distinguished: the full part (self-esteem) and the empty part (emptiness). 

Self-esteem stands for everything that has a positive meaning or experience. Something you can enjoy, something you are proud of or something that gives you a boost. Emptiness is the exact opposite; it is the negative memories, bad habits, traumas, our shortcomings and the things we miss. With a barrel that is mostly filled with self-esteem, you’ll be more likely to get out of the right side of the bed and be less likely to suffer from all the elements of emptiness. With a barrel that’s more empty, you will experience everything a lot more negatively.

The switches

The (train) switches are a metaphor for the effect of an experience on your self-esteem. In other words, has something you have done or experienced had a positive or negative effect? Such an experience can have an effect in four different ways: 

1. The positive switch: These are all pleasant moments of satisfaction. A brief moment of awareness in which you notice that something is good. Think of a nice cup of coffee, a compliment from your boss or a nice thought. A positive switch has a small strengthening effect on your self-esteem and thus fills your barrel with a little bit of self-esteem. 
2. The autopilot: This is where 99% of everything you do takes place. Humans have evolved to perform tasks effortlessly without thinking about it. Think of driving a car or walking. Because it takes place outside your attention, it has no effect on your self-esteem and therefore does not fill your barrel.
3. The negative switch: Everything that is triggered by a stress reaction ends up on this switch. Forgetting something, being criticised, an argument, a traumatic memory. Because it is stress-related, it catches your attention. This switch reinforces itself because we often react to stress with intensity. As a result, stress increases. A well-known example is the angry road abuser from TV: someone is accidentally cut off, swears, starts driving faster, raises a fist, drives through a red light and also abuses the police when he is apprehended. With each additional step, the self-esteem drains from your barrel little by little.
4. The (recovering) positive switch: This is the most difficult switch. This switch harvests self-esteem after a stressful event. For example, this is the self-control you apply when you realise that you’re only hurting yourself for getting angry over something petty. Because observing this can be seen as a successful experience, which positively affects your self-esteem. 

Observe with attention 

The starting point of this model is that it is important to learn to observe all of the above. The negative switches will always be there because our biological stress system is designed to respond automatically to stimuli. The trick is to start practising observing everything you do and experience in order to fill your barrel with self-esteem. You can do this through the following two observation exercises: 

1. Try to observe 3 positive changes every day and physically or mentally pat yourself on the back in combination with the words: “Good that I noticed!”. The trick is in finding the smallest things. Is it something you are satisfied with? Then it already counts!
2. Once you have mastered the 1st exercise a bit, you can start practising perceiving the negative switches. Again, the same applies. Pat yourself on the back with “Good that I noticed!”. The goal is not to feel different in the situation, but to learn to think about what is happening and to ask yourself whether it gives you satisfaction. If you keep applying this, you will eventually react with less intensity to the same stressful situations. 

Mental health can be a confusing concept. What do we mean exactly by mental health? Therapy even more so, especially if you’re not sure what to expect! In this blog I try to describe mental health by comparing it to a journey or process, in hope to shed some light on what you can expect from therapy and dealing with mental health complaints.

Life’s challenges

Life is inherently difficult and has its highs and lows. We continually have to navigate our way through stress and fear, find balance between work and rest and maintain our relationships, all the time while finding space for ourselves and our happiness. A good example of this is how many of us have now been faced with the task of adapting to our new lives under a pandemic. Some would even suggest that, to some extent, hardship is an inevitable part of the human experience. Nonetheless, our ability to navigate these obstacles and hardships is often directly influenced by our mental health. 

Dealing with challenges

Many people view mental health as a destination or a state of being, a place we can reach where our daily stressors and hardships no longer exist, where we no longer have anxieties, negative thoughts or emotions. A place where we are happy. But instead, it is not these thoughts, pain or anxiety that define our mental health; that is all part of being human. It is the way we manage these obstacles, thoughts and emotions that define our mental health. It is the way we adapt to our internal and external environment, without causing more hardship to ourselves or others. While in the meantime, being able to work toward our goals and values with satisfaction.

Unhealthy coping techniques

Too often as humans we tend to manage distress in unhealthy ways. We use coping techniques that provide short-term relief, but actually in the long term maintain or can even worsen our problems. Think about drinking alcohol to make you feel better, avoiding a certain place, person or activity that makes you anxious, or procrastinating when you know you have work to do. By accepting, tolerating and managing this short-term distress in a healthy way we can reduce our long-term suffering. 

Mental health is an ongoing journey or process, something one continually has to work on, nurture and manage

There is no quick fix

Some may come to therapy hoping to receive a quick fix where their problems are resolved. But mental health is an ongoing process or journey, something one continually has to work on, nurture and manage. There is no quick fix! Part of this process is how we manage our daily stressors. Therapy won’t always be able to resolve all your problems, but it certainly will be able to help you to gain insight and provide you with the tools and skills to manage your own problems and distress in a healthy way.

Practice, patience and perseverance

Mental health can be compared to learning a sport or building up muscle. You can’t be expected to pick up a football for the first time and play as a professional, or start lifting weights for the first time and lift the heaviest weight. It takes practice, patience and perseverance. Over time you will develop your skills and fitness, and you’ll notice it will start to come more naturally to you. The same can be said for our mental health, it is an ongoing learning process, in which we gradually learn about ourselves and how we can best manage our own emotions and thoughts in a healthy way.   

Mental health is a long and a bumpy journey that requires effort, practise and commitment. Nevertheless, I am sure the commitment will be worth the reward in the end. Don’t forget to look back at how far you have come already! 

I wish you every success on your mental health journey!

Help via NiceDay

Do you need support on your mental health journey? Are you looking to gain some new insights or learn some new skills? You can follow treatment via NiceDay at multiple organisations, click here for more information.

You have about 40,000 thoughts every day. Most of your thoughts are unconscious, don’t remember, or quickly dissipate. It is difficult to structure all these thoughts, even when you think about them consciously. One of the ways to slow down this flow of thoughts to create some structure is to write. But why is writing good for you? In this blog I’ll explain it further.

The use of writing

• Writing works well because it gives you a grip on your thoughts, they become “real” and you add structure to them.
• Suppose you want to plan something such as a behavioural change, for example: exercising more often. Just thinking about it is not enough. You will notice that such a plan only works effectively if you put your thoughts on paper, and you literally see your goals in front of you (Pilarczyk, 2017).
• A study by the University of Twente shows that writing about yourself is effective in depression because it reduces the complaints.
• Writing also helps to process (traumatic) memories, according to research from the University of Texas.
• Writing provides reflection, self-insight and personal development. You take the time to process information and think about it carefully.
• By writing you memorize information better, and you can read it again if you have forgotten something.
• By noting down information, you have a visual reminder for yourself. You can hang this up somewhere or set it up as a reminder on your phone so that you are regularly reminded yourself if necessary.
• Do you prefer writing on paper over writing digitally? This can contribute to the development of your brain and motor skills because writing with pen and paper is a complex action that involves muscles from all over your body.

How do you start writing?

Find a quiet place to sit down and take the time to write down your thoughts, whether it is on a laptop, smartphone or on a piece of paper. Let your thoughts run free and write down what’s relevant to you. When you write things down, it’s good to realise that there is no right or wrong! These are your own personal notes and thoughts, and there is no judgement attached to them. Find it difficult to write? You can also visualize your thoughts through drawings, diagrams or illustrations.

When can you write things down?

Writing things down is useful in different situations. For example, consider the following

• Keeping a diary: In a diary you reflect on the day by writing about it. You could choose a specific theme for your diary, for example a gratitude journal or a positivity journal.

• To-do list: When you write down the things you have to do, there is a lower chance of you forgetting them and more space for other things. You can read more about the advantages of a to-do list here. 

• Setting goals: Write down your goals as clear, specific and detailed as possible. By writing down all the details, you visualize them and the goals are registered in your brains, or even your subconsciousness (Pilarczyk, 2017).

• Making plans: This is where the agenda or Daily Planner in the NiceDay app comes in handy. Write down your plans in specific terms and set a reminder that will help you remember your plans. You don’t have to remember everything by yourself!

• After a session: are you seeing a therapist or receiving coaching? By making notes after finishing a session you consciously reflect on what has been discussed by writing it down in your own words. This allows you to better understand and remember the information. It also improves your own influence, helps to reflect and contributes to your process.
• After a good conversation with a loved one: When you have had a good conversation with a loved one, such as a friend, family member or colleague, it can help to write down the most valuable information you discussed. You can then read this information again when it is relevant. Especially when it was a long conversation or when a lot of emotions were involved, it can be hard to remember information. You can use a journal or  the NiceDay app to write it down.

Tip! Set a diary reminder in the NiceDay app, that helps remind you to write down something every day. No matter how big or small!

Are you interested in inspiring others with your written stories? Share your story on our blog! Contact us for more information.

Do you struggle with anxiety in situations where you are asked to perform or feel like you’re being evaluated? Are you constantly striving to be better, or never satisfied with your own ability at work or your studies? Do you often worry if you are good enough? Maybe you avoid doing things in case of failure? If you identify with the above, it could be that you are struggling with a low sense of worth or self-esteem.

Self-worth

Our self-worth is our internal sense of being good enough. It is about seeing ourselves as worthy and valuable and being content with who we are as a person. Our self-worth is closely linked with our thoughts, feelings and behaviour. If we have low self-worth, it can easily begin to affect our daily functioning and how we feel on a regular basis. In a society that highly values productivity and performance, and one where we are constantly confronted with other people’s lives and achievements online, it becomes easy to define our own self-worth based on perceived performance or achievements and forget that our value as a person is not defined by these factors.

Selective processing

This becomes even harder when we take into the fact humans engage in ‘selective processing’. This means that you tend to take in information that already fits your beliefs and ideas about the world. So if you already have a low sense of self-worth, it becomes even harder to notice evidence and information which should tell you otherwise. For example, do you notice yourself ruminating about the one thing you could have done differently that day, instead of thinking about the things that went well? Thus as with most things in life learning our own self-worth takes practice and hard work.

What can you do to improve your own self-worth? 

Learning to accept ourselves as we are and finding a new meaning of value and self-worth is worth the investment! It can provide a great amount of relief, reduce suffering and open up opportunities for yourself. These are ways to get started:

• Listen to uplifting music – listen to a song or artist that makes you feel good about yourself, or gives you extra self-belief. It can be a great little boost in the moments you are struggling.
• Accept your weaknesses – making mistakes and being imperfect are all part of being a human being. 
• Keep a positive diary! – write down 3 positive things or things you are proud of each day. It can be easy to focus on the negatives, but this exercise can help you find more balance in your thinking. 
• Become aware of your inner critic and practise some self-compassion – our self-talk can have a bigger influence on us than we realise. 
• Investigate how you define worth or value in others, except for their performance or achievements – think about someone you admire or appreciate and ask yourself what you value about them. What characteristics do they have that make them a worthy person in your life? Are they empathetic, funny, strong, patient or kind? Think about how these characteristics relate to yourself. Do you also possess some of these qualities to some degree? 

Professional help

Are you struggling with self-worth, or do you identify with some of the issues above? A professional can help you to increase your self-worth. You can find more information about treatment with NiceDay here.

We have very little control in life. This might be a hard pill to swallow, but it is reality. Still, many people assume that they do have control over many aspects of their life. They describe themselves as true control freaks. But the urge to control everything around you can create a lot of unnecessary stress and discomfort. So it’s better to let go of control every now and then. But how can you do that? Read more to find out!

The urge to control

Always trying to control the things around you will probably cost you a lot of energy. People with a strong urge to control often tend to worry a lot, because worrying gives them a sense of control. But actually, worrying doesn’t affect the actual outcome at all and worrying is a waste of your time and energy.

Having the urge to control everything often goes hand in hand with wanting everything to go your way. This often results in feelings of stress and anxiety. I can imagine that you would like to see this differently.

Which things are within my control?

A good first step is to investigate and determine which things you can control and influence. 

• You do have control over how you react to and deal with certain situations. For example, you can choose to get completely worked up about an unexpected traffic jam, but you can also choose to stay calm and call a friend while you are in traffic. The choice is yours!
• You also have control over the way you talk to yourself. We’re often much more lenient and compassionate towards others than to ourselves, and that is actually very harmful. Ask yourself the following critical question more often: “How would I talk to my best friend?”. You can choose to shift your focus on a more “compassionate inner voice” instead of focusing on your inner critic. 
• You also have control over how much you take care of yourself. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general, you have control over how healthy you eat, how much alcohol you consume, what time you go to bed, etc. Self-care also includes the extent to which you set boundaries for yourself, to what extent you stick to these boundaries and to what extent you communicate these boundaries to others. You can set your own boundaries; this is often something you have control over.
• Finally, you have control over how you treat others. For example, if your colleague makes an annoying comment, you can choose to react agitated, but you can also choose to calmly indicate that you do not appreciate the comment.

You now have a clear overview of all the things you do have control over, of the things you have an influence on. With the above list, you can get started and take the necessary steps. Everything that isn’t mentioned above is therefore beyond our control. There’s no point in worrying about these things, so it’s better to let them go!

Letting go

So, things that we have no control over are e.g. the behaviour of others and events that take place in the world.

So how can you start letting go of control? My advice would be to start with small steps; if you are used to pointing out to your partner or colleagues how to do certain things, you can experiment with not doing this for once. Be aware of the moment you decide to let go of control and notice what it does to you and the people around you. You will see that by not interfering with something or by being on top of it, the result probably won’t be bad. The people around you will feel liberated. They get the feeling that you trust them and that they can be themselves around you.

Conclusion

You can’t control how your life will turn out and you’ll only exhaust yourself by wanting to control everything. Don’t expect yourself to be in control of everything. By adjusting your expectations, about yourself and about the world, you will find yourself less disappointed when things don’t go as expected. So, let go! It will set you free.

Chances are you know the inner voice that regularly criticizes you. For some, this voice is stronger than it is for others. But this inner critic can significantly damage your self-confidence. We often speak kindly to others, but why can’t we do this to ourselves? How great would it be if your inner voice is your best friend and if it motivates you instead of putting you down?

Awareness

It’s okay to criticize yourself every now and then. But, if you find yourself constantly addressing yourself in a negative and harsh way, this can have many negative consequences. You might avoid challenges, or are too afraid to meet new people because you believe you aren’t good enough.

Your inner critic has been there for such a long time, that you probably don’t even notice you’re often critical towards yourself. Unconsciously, this voice can have a big impact on your feelings and behaviour. We want to increase the impact this voice has, that’s clear by now. But how can you do this? First, it is important to become aware of your inner voice. Once awareness is created, there is room for change. Be aware of the following:

• In which situations does this voice arise?
• What does my inner critic say?
• What behaviour do I display next? How do I respond to the voice?

Try to find answers to these questions and write down your thoughts. Now that you have written this down, it is important to monitor yourself. It’s about being able to identify the negative thoughts, and categorizing them under your inner critic instead of yourself. You are not your negative thoughts and they do not define you.

Praise yourself

The awareness process can feel confronting and uncomfortable. Know that this is completely normal. It is important to praise yourself for being able to identify a negative thought; you’re moving forward! You’re learning and recognizing and identifying your negative thoughts is an essential part of the process.

Create distance

We often tend to address ourselves in the first person. For example: “I can’t do this”, or “I can do this”. By addressing yourself like this there is no distance between you and your thoughts. If you strongly feel certain (negative) emotions, it can help to take a step back and look at them from a distance. By addressing yourself with your first name you create a psychological distance. For example, say: “ You can do this, Kim!”.

Who else are you?

Another way to increase your self-worth and to fight the negative voice in your head, is by increasing your self-concept: what other roles do you fulfil and what do you find important? For example, are you insecure about your performance at work? Then this thought can predominate in your self-image. At such a time, remind yourself of all the other important roles you fulfil. You may be a good partner, friend and/or great parent! Force yourself to look at the bigger picture.

Are you getting started?

Do you regularly suffer from your inner critic, or do you perhaps notice how often you criticize yourself? Then try to become aware of this and get started!

Do you think you could use professional help with this? Visit your doctor to discuss the options of mental health care or click here for more information about treatment via NiceDay at several mental health care instutions.

Setting boundaries. You’ve probably heard how it can benefit you, nonetheless, setting boundaries is not easy for everyone. For some people setting boundaries is no effort, but for others, they are worried about being hurtful or eliciting an angry response. Setting and following your own ground rules can be very helpful. But how do you do that?

Do you identify with any of the following situations/feelings?

• Your mother-in-law expects you to come and visit again. You feel reluctant, but you still go anyway.
• You always listen to a friend’s depressing stories, but you can’t find enough space to tell your own story.
• A dominant friend asks you to meet up again. You find it annoying but go anyway.
• You cook for your family every day and feel angry that they never cook for you.
• A colleague assigns you another task. You find it very annoying because you are already so busy, but you don’t say no.
• You accept every invitation to a birthday, baby shower or wedding, but if it’s your birthday you don’t see these people.
• When you meet up with your friend, you always have to travel further than them.
• You are always on time, but the other is always late.
• When a family member texts you, you feel obliged to respond quickly.

In other words, you feel like you are not taken into account, or that your boundaries are being crossed. This results in a frustrated and angry feeling; how can these people do this over and over again?! Try viewing it from another perspective; what do you allow and how do you position yourself in relation to the other?

Angry at someone else instead of being angry at yourself

Feeling angry with or because of someone else is not strange. These kinds of emotions have a  function. However, holding onto your anger can amplify feelings of anger. Poorly regulated anger can worsen situations and often ends up increasing your anger.

If you find yourself in the same situation over and over again you must create ground rules for yourself. In addition, it is vital that you are consistent with these ground rules.

Changing your rules

A good example is when a child asks you for a cookie and you say no 4 times, but the 5th time you eventually give in and the child gets a cookie. What is happening? The child learns: “If I ask often enough, I will get that cookie”. This is also the case with adults. If a colleague sees that you always say yes, then there is a good chance that that colleague will leave a lot of work to you. Time to change your own rules!

Examples of ground rules

• I will take 3 moments a day to view and reply to messages.
• When a dominant friend asks me to meet up, I will first consider whether I feel like it.
• When a colleague assigns me a task, I first ask myself: “Does this belong to me?”. Then I will indicate whether or not I can do it and in what time frame.
• If I meet someone who is always late, I will arrive 10 minutes later.
• I will only go to birthdays that are important to me.

Your friends and family may need to get used to this

Most of the time someone is not out to cross boundaries or to hurt or anger you. However, family, friends and/or colleagues may have to get used to your new ground rules. Therefore you can expect some resistance when applying your own ground rules for the first time. Do not panic! Just keep following your ground rules consistently. They are not there to make someone else feel uncomfortable, but above all to protect your well-being. By setting ground rules people will learn more about you and what you are able and not able to do. 

What are your ground rules?

Ground rules can change and are different for everyone. Think about your rules and try to write them down.

You know you should have been asleep by now, but you can’t help but watch another episode of that show. You couldn’t say no to your boss, even though your agenda is already too full. You go for another drink, whilst knowing you have to get up early tomorrow. Everyone probably recognizes this, but why do we do things that we secretly know aren’t good for us? All behaviour has a function and I would like to explain that to you! 

Benefit

No matter how crazy something may sound, there’s always a reason someone does it. Whether consciously or unconsciously; you are always driven by a potential advantage. You run away from a dog, so there’s no chance that you might get bitten. You stay on the couch and avoid responsibilities, so you can maintain your energy or mood. You go beyond your limits for your boss, to maintain a good reputation. You stay awake when your kids are out at night, so you can respond more quickly to a potential emergency. You drink alcohol before going to bed so that you don’t spend so much time in bed worrying. And so on.

Stress

The benefit you gain from such behaviour is always linked to stress. Your behaviour has two functions: preventing stress or reducing stress. That stress can be, for example, the fear of a dog, possible energy loss, the reputation with your boss, your functioning as a parent or your (in)tolerance to worry. Whenever you can interpret anything as a particular threat, it will grab your attention and excite your stress response. And because stress feels unpleasant,  your body demands a reaction.

Reaction

Although you neutralize the threat with your reaction, for example by running away from a dog or going over your limits for your boss, you increase the impact the threat can have on you. You teach yourself that it is ‘rewarding’ to exhibit this type of behaviour. It feels good at that moment because you reduce your stress. But the pitfall lies in the attractiveness of the “rewarding” behaviour; the more often you engage in that behaviour, the less attractive the opposite becomes. In other words, the more often you run away from a dog, the scarier it gets to be around dogs. This means that your behaviour can strengthen or weaken the unpleasant feelings in the long run.

Action

Now that you know behaviour determines how you feel, you can take action yourself! Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to towards all scary dogs like a maniac; your original behaviour was indeed helpful. However, your judgment might have become somewhat clouded. You have to experience when it is and when isn’t useful to perform special behaviour. For example, you will have to experience what happens if you say no to your boss, or go to bed without having a glass of wine. It may be really scary, but act on it anyway! Such a behaviour change isn’t permanent, but you do learn more about your behaviour and feelings. And if you don’t like the outcome, you always have the choice to go back to your old habits. You can only become better from this!

If you’re reading this article it is likely that you struggle with anger. In this case, it is important to know that you are not alone! 45% Of people report losing their temper at the office regularly and a study by Romanov (1994) found that 15% of people scored very high on hostility. 

Basic emotion

Anger is one of the basic human emotions; we all experience it now and again to varying degrees. However, intense and poorly managed anger can cause distress and problems in your daily life. It can hurt relationships, mental health as well as your work. Think about shouting at your colleague, or acting aggressively toward a friend. Poorly regulated anger can worsen situations and often ends up increasing your anger. 

Learning about anger, how to express it appropriately, and gaining insight into it, can have a positive impact on your practical and social life. The goal of this article is to help you understand it, as a first step to help you learn better skills to manage it. 

Importance

Anger is an emotion that lies on a spectrum ranging from annoyance to frustration, intense rage, and hate. Intense anger can be a very powerful and overwhelming experience. It charges you up and prepares you to take action. It is part of your natural defense system; your ’fight or flight’ response. It doesn’t necessarily make you ‘fight’, but it is an emotion that helps you to stand up against injustice. It helps you stand up for yourself and others if you feel attacked, and make changes where necessary. 

You experience anger when you detect that something is wrong, you sense a threat, or if you feel that you are being mistreated. It tells other people to listen to you. Therefore, anger is often also warranted and a very important emotion! Think about important social movements for equality and the motivation to right wrongs.

Common causes

Common things that cause you to feel anger:

• Situations you perceive as threatening. For example, when someone insults you or a loved one. This can be considered as a threat to your well-being or status.
• Being prevented from reaching an important goal. For example, being stuck in traffic causing you to be late for work. 
• Unpleasant physical or emotional sensations such as pain. For example, after accidentally cutting yourself with a cooking knife. 

As with any other emotion, anger is a brain and body response or reaction to events or thoughts we are experiencing. It is therefore temporary and will flare up and die down if you allow it to run its course. This is important to keep in mind if you are learning to manage your anger! 

Exercise

Now that you have a good understanding of what anger is, a good first step to managing it is becoming aware of when you are experiencing anger. Try to keep track of when you feel angry in the NiceDay app. Turn on the custom tracker ‘Angry’ and register each time you feel angry and include a note with a description. Write down what caused you to feel angry and any thoughts, feelings, or sensations you might experience. Look at your registrations from the past week/few days. Do you notice any patterns? Do you often feel angry in certain situations, after certain events, or at certain times? What makes you vulnerable to the feeling of anger? What helped calm you down? Write down your insights in your NiceDay diary. 

NiceDay

Would you like to learn more about anger? Check out our psychoeducation library on emotions. Are you struggling to control your anger and would you like to learn some skills to help you effectively manage it? You can follow a treatment via NiceDay at various organizations, click here for more information.

“Forgive and forget” is an age-old saying, but in practice, it is often a lot more difficult to apply than you think. Yet it is an important skill. Why this is so important and how you can learn to forgive, I will tell you below.

How does it benefit you?

The ability to forgive yourself or someone else for their mistakes not only relieves a situation but is also linked to several other things. For example, it is positively related to cognitive flexibility (the ability to look at different perspectives and to adapt where necessary) and positive emotions. In addition, it reduces worrying thoughts and feelings of revenge and hostility. Being forgiving also contributes to many important elements of your well-being: you feel less angry, suffer less from anxiety and depression, and feel happier about your life. This also affects your relationships; you have longer relationships and are happier in your relationship. So it is worth learning to forgive!

Emotional forgiveness

Within forgiveness, there is an important distinction. You can forgive someone rationally or emotionally. To rationally forgive someone, means putting your feelings aside and not letting them affect how you behave towards that person. To emotionally forgive someone, means letting new positive feelings take over, allowing you to think of that person with empathy. What makes this distinction so important is that emotional forgiving allows you to take more psychological distance from a situation and look at it more objectively. This makes it easier to forget detailed information, making it less emotional for you. You forgive and forget!

How do you forgive someone?

To “forgive and forget” is a choice you can make. Forgiving requires attention and looking at perspectives. These are conscious processes and are therefore executive functions. It just takes some more effort than others. With the following tips you can take up the challenge to forgive someone else (or yourself):

• Acknowledge your feeling

You feel this way for a reason. Something happened that made you feel this way, so allow the feeling to be there and investigate it! Is it anger, sadness, envy, jealousy, or maybe even resentment? What makes you feel this way? Are there things you are doing now that lessen or worsen the feeling?

• View different perspectives

You’ve probably thought out your side of the story down to the last detail. But is there another side you haven’t looked at? Could there be other reasons why the situation turned out this way? What were one’s intentions? What would the other person’s experience be like? What does it gain you to forgive someone?

• Examine your reaction

When we’re emotional we often react harshly and direct, but that does not always work out well. How did you react? Was it proportionate to the situation? Did you do or say something hurtful? How much room for forgiveness have you given?

• Be empathetic

Injustice can hurt, but is the one who hurt you instantly evil? What are the good qualities of that person? What did someone mean to you? Can you empathize with someone else’s feelings?

• Learn the right lesson

No matter what happens, you can learn from any situation. Even if you eventually decide not to forgive someone. What would you do differently to avoid a similar situation in the future? And if it happened again, what would you do?

• Be clear about your needs

Your needs are always important. So clearly indicate what you feel, what you think of a situation, and what you need. For example, you might need to take some time to look at it from a distance, ask for time to think about it, or indicate that you want to slowly rebuild the relationship.

NiceDay app

Are you gonna accept the challenge to forgive someone? Try describing the situation in your diary and answer the above questions as an aid! Download the NiceDay app here!