Almost every person has resistance to change. Did you know that this fear of change in serious form even has a name? It is called metathesiophobia. Changes often make us feel unsafe, vulnerable or insecure, research shows that safety is a very important basic human need. So fear of change is not at all that crazy, it makes us human. Why is this and how does fear gets in your way? In this blog I will tell you more.

The jacket that no longer fits

Change is like an old jacket. You’ve had the jacket for years. It is so comfortable and so nice and warm. But you can’t deny that, over the years, the jacket didn’t get better. Also, he is actually no longer of this time or has become a bit tight. Perhaps it is no longer entirely your color. Yet you do not throw it away, because what if you never find such a nice jacket again? The jacket also carries many memories and feels like a part of you  This way we attach ourselves to all sorts of jackets that actually no longer fit us. Jobs, relationships, places of residence, but we also attach ourselves to problems and feelings. Although the jacket does not feel good anymore, at least it feels familiar. As long as there is no clear picture of the new jacket, we prefer to keep our old jacket.

Seeing change as pain makes us anxious?

There are several reasons why we find it difficult to dispose of our “old jackets”. Perhaps you have already heard of the pain/pleasure principle. This theory describes two principles that motivate us to certain behavior; pleasure and pain. Pleasure is what we are looking for, what we want to achieve. Pain is what we try to avoid with everything. When you are afraid of change, you link change to pain and non-change (or safety) to pleasure. We can expect pain through:

  • loss (“what am I going to leave behind?”, “what can I no longer do?)
  • pain from the process (“it will be very hard”, “I can’t do it”, “I am going to fail”, “I am going to disappoint people”)
  • pain from the outcome (“where am I going to end?” “what will this look like?”, “am I going to be happy here?”).

How does fear work in the brain?

Although after a while we may realize that change will do us good, we often remain anxious. The answer is in the brain. The amygdala is a very old brain structure that predates prehistory. This part of the brain gives signals when we feel threatened. It puts our body in the state of alertness. This can feel like anger or fear. We have desperately needed the amygdala in the past, when there was still a lot of threat. In today’s society, however, there are far fewer threats to humans.

To gain control of these fears, we use our consciousness in the prefrontal cortex. A brain structure that was developed much later than the amygdala. However, the amygdala cannot simply be guided by this prefrontal cortex. This means that we cannot always get our “amygdala impulses” under control, which keeps us feeling anxious.

Change in a performance society

Fear of change is therefore a natural phenomenon. The contradiction now is that today’s society is putting great pressure on us to change. Where we used to live in a command society (you listen to the boss, you obey the rules and you clock in in the morning), we now live in a performance society. We try to position ourselves as well as possible. Ambition, efficiency and hard work are sacred. Everything is dedicated to our work and personal development. Society is based on individualization and competitive drive. In addition, digitization and globalization have never had so many options as today. We are constantly looking for change and improvement and the options for this are endless.

Stay yourself

Do you dare to put your old jacket away in this new year? Then remember that some fear is very normal, be kind to yourself, allow yourself the time and don’t let the current society fool you. Stay with yourself!

Fear. When you think of it, you might think of the fear you feel in dangerous situations such as walking along a cliff or when someone startles you. But fear can also occur at times when you are not in mortal danger at all. It can limit you in your daily life, make you feel sad or avoid you from going out. To better understand fear, it is important to understand what happens when you are feeling scared. I’d like to explain a bit more about that. 

Thinking patterns as a tool

Fear makes you alert in situations you perceive as dangerous and helps you prepare to react. Fear is accompanied by various physical reactions such as nausea, sweating, increased heart rate and muscle tension. But besides physical reactions, something also happens in your mind, automatic thinking patterns often emerge. These patterns are there to help you. For example, to flee faster or to avoid a problem, but also to be more focused or to pay attention. 

The other side 

However, when you go along with automatic patterns too often, your judgment can become clouded. Consider, for example, that you can never find out whether a dog is dangerous if you automatically run away. Or that you won’t learn your boss’s boundaries if you always say ‘yes’. In that case, thinking patterns can backfire:

  1. Worst case scenario. When you feel scared, you assume the worst. This makes you cautious and so the outcome can only be better than expected. However, the probability of this disaster happening is not as high as it feels. Remember that there are other possibilities. 
  2. Solvability. Fear can literally stiffen you and make you feel like something bad is happening to you. As a result, you forget or underestimate your ability to solve a problem. It is rare that there is nothing left to do when disaster actually happens. There is always something to fix or resolve!
  3. Forbearance. Because you probably prefer to avoid unpleasant situations, you become used to ‘safety’ or comfort. As a result, you underestimate your ability to tolerate or endure disasters. It often feels very bad, but it is quite endurable when it comes down to it. Think back, for example, to the unpleasant things you have already been through in your life. You are still standing strong!
  4. Responsibility. Stress activates our problem-solving ability to think about whether and how this could have been prevented. This also makes you reflect on your role in the situation and you may overestimate your responsibility. However, the fact that you could have done something differently does not mean that you should have done things differently. 

Do you recognise these thinking patterns when you feel scared? Or are you not yet aware of them? You might be able to pay attention to this the next time you feel scared and find out what thinking patterns are at play with you.

 

Courage is the savior that marches alongside us when fear shows up. It can inspire bursts of boldness that help us speak our minds, follow our hearts, and bare our souls to others. Without it, we can’t grow or thrive. Sometimes we get caught up in the mistaken notion that being courageous means overcoming fear. But courage isn’t looking past fear; it’s recognizing and even embracing it. Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s being scared, worried, unsure, and ready to run, and yet still finding a way to do what you really want to do, what others need you to do, or what you believe is right—despite all that fear. But how do you cultivate the courage to be vulnerable?

The Call to Courage

Bestselling author and research professor Dr. Brené Brown believes that you have to be willing to lean into your discomfort to invoke love into your life while discovering joy and finding a sense of belonging. That’s the topic she explores in her new Netflix special, Brené Brown: The Call to Courage, where she reveals how she too struggles to confront embarrassment head-on. Brown’s special highlights the link between courage and vulnerability, which she describes as “having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.” The special is available to watch now.

Here are a few lessons that we learnt about courage and vulnerability from the special.

1. Courage is not a sign of weakness

Vulnerability allows people to assess fearlessness. “Vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage, and we literally do that as researchers. We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you’re willing to be”, according to Brown.

2. There are many benefits to opening up

Brown sees vulnerability as the “birthplace” of things like love and joy. After highlighting the risks of love, Brown asked the audience: “Are you 100% sure that person will always love you back, will never leave, will never get sick? How many of you have every buried someone you love? How many of you have lost someone you love?”. In addition, to love is to be vulnerable. To give someone your heart and say, ‘I know this could hurt so bad, but I’m willing to do it; I’m willing to be vulnerable and love you,’ that is vulnerability.

3. Vulnerability is inescapable

“You do vulnerability knowingly or vulnerability does you”, said Brown. Even those who think they are avoiding being vulnerable are in fact experiencing the emotion. You cannot avoid being vulnerable according to Brown. You can try to avoid it but *spoiler alert* it will haunt you down either way.

4. Don’t be scared to be happy

“I’m here to tell you that joy is the most vulnerable of all human emotions. We are terrified to feel joy. We are so afraid that if we let ourselves feel joy, something will come along and rip it away from us, and we will get sucker-punched by pain and trauma and loss. So that, in the midst of great things, we literally dress rehearse tragedy. Often we’re afraid to be grateful for what we have, especially in front of people who’ve gone through great trauma and loss because we think it’s insensitive”, said Brown.

Be vulnerable

Stop blaming fear for stopping you and recognize the strange paradox that exists: your fears will never completely disappear, and you will never win the battle against them. When you can finally accept fears and invite them in, it makes courage more accessible.

And be vulnerable. It leads to courage. Sharing your fears and anxieties with others can make them seem far less scary and insurmountable. You’ll soon realize you’re not alone, and once you feel the strength of a community surrounding you and the empathy of others who understand your situation, it’ll be easier to take that leap.

In an anxiety treatment, the therapist challenges you to do things that trigger your anxiety in a way, because that is the best way to overcome your anxiety. You do this with exposure assignments. Because of the corona regulations it can be more difficult to do your exposure assignments. Therefore, you may worry that your treatment will be less effective. Fortunately, that doesn’t have to be the case!  Why not? I’ll explain it in this blog.

What are exposure assignments?

In an treatment for anxiety, your therapist helps you to do those things that you find scary and trigger anxiety. For some this is working on seeking social contact, for others this is visiting a busy station hall. For someone else it may be shopping or driving. By doing things that you find scary, you get used to the situation. It actually works just like with children going to school for the first time. The first day is scary, but after a few weeks they are used to.

Corona makes exposure impossible: not true!

Now with the corona regulations you cannot just go anywhere. That makes planning the right  exposure assignment more challenging . What to do now? Try to realize that it is not helpful if you stop practising now. And here is more possible than you may think. 

Can you think of other exposure assignments for the coming period? What can you do next? Take a moment and make, maybe together with your therapist, a list of exposure assignments that you can still do. I will help you:

1. Exposure assignments for a panic disorder

It may not be easy to position yourself in situations where you experienced fear, such as the train or a concert. However, you can do exposure assignments with interoceptive exposure assignments. This is cognitive behavioral therapy. The purpose of interoceptive exposure is exposure to physical sensations, so that you learn to tolerate them. You can do these assignments perfectly from your home. Do them a few times a day, choosing different exercises each time.

2.  Exposure assignments for social phobia

Social contact is a lot more difficult in daily life because of the corona crisis. Try to challenge yourself any way! Make contact with friends, family or friends by telephone. Or call institutions to ask questions. You can also schedule video calls with people, for example for a dinner, a cup of coffee or for a crafty afternoon, but then via Facetime or Skype. App contact could also be an exposure assignment. Maybe you can leave a voice message for someone instead of a text. Or write an old-fashioned letter if it is a challenge for you.

Stay active!

The most important is that you stay active with facing your fears. As a result, your fear will decrease more and more. Focus on what you can do currently. Don’t let the corona regulations be an excuse. I understand that the temptation is great, but it will not help you in the end.

Do you want help with exposure assignments? Discuss it with your therapist. Feel free to send a chat to your professional!

About 70 million people around the world stutter. On October 22 we pay extra attention to speech defects. Since 1998, the ‘International Stuttering Awareness Day’ is organized every year on this day. Every national organization that is connected to the International Stuttering Association can create awareness on this day in their own way.

What is stuttering?

Stuttering is described as speech characterized by frequent repetitions, extensions of sounds, syllables or words, or by frequent hesitations and / or pauses. These differ from the normal disfluencies found in all speakers in that stuttering disfluencies may last longer, occur more frequently, and are produced with more effort and strain.

It also affects the mental health

So, stuttering can be audible, for example when blockages, repetitions and unwanted pauses occur during speech. It can also be visible, for example, particular movements are made with the face or limbs. In addition, stuttering can also be unnoticeable. A fear of speaking, shame, avoiding difficult words and feelings of unworthiness can play a major role in this. Especially the hidden symptoms can lead to learning problems, less performance and psycho-social problems.

What is the cause of stuttering?

No single, specific cause of developmental stuttering is known. What is known is that there is a lot of evidence that stuttering has a genetic basis. This means that there is a higher risk of developing stuttering if it occurs in the family.

Speaking is a complex process which involves timing and coordination of breathing and many muscles that are controlled by the brain. Everyone makes little ‘mistakes’ while talking because of its complexity but people who stutter experience problems in the timing and coordination of the speaking process. Lack of language skills and concentration can also play a big role in the development of stuttering or deviant speech behavior.

Situational factors

Stuttering is often provoked by stress. Somebody who stutters will then especially stumble when he/she is tensed. The timing of speech movements is deviant and this has an effect on a faster disruption of speech. Tension or anxiety puts the speech muscles under an even greater tension.

However, situational factors do not always have an effect, it depends on the person himself. In some people, stuttering is always constant and in others it is strongly linked to certain situations and/or people.

Advice for the listener

Pay in particular attention to what is being said, instead of the way it has been said. Behave like how you talk to anyone else. What you should not do is to speak louder and to speak in a verbose way. You can also ask the person if he/she wants you to complete their sentences. In this way, the person can tell you whether he/she feels comfortable with this.

NiceDay app: Do you stutter yourself or do you know someone who stutters? You can write about it in your diary in NiceDay.

Friday the thirteenth, the day of the year full of bad luck. On this unfortunate day we like to avoid ladders and black cats. Few people get married on this day and many hotels do not have rooms on the thirteenth floor. Especially for people with paraskevidecatria phobia (an irrational fear of Friday the thirteenth) it is a dramatic day. Why do we associate this day with bad luck?

Different origins

Several origins are possible for the arise of Friday the thirteenth. A potential explanation comes from Christianity. According to the Bible Jesus Christ was crucified on Friday the thirteenth. In addition, thirteen people sat at the table at the Last Supper (twelve disciples plus Jesus Christ). During this meal, Jesus was betrayed by Judas, leading to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

Marianne Williamson, an American writer, writes in her book ‘In femininity’ as a suggestion that according to folk tales the witches came together on Friday, together with a group of black cats. This folk story came from Scandinavian countries. At the meeting of the twelve witches the devil would be present as the thirteenth member, which we refer to as the devil’s dozen.

More recent research

According to more recent research, the superstition around Friday the thirteenth occurred later in time. According to a study, a Dutch newspaper from 1896 first spoke about this unfortunate day. The attention for this day originated from America, where the history goes back to 1881. In conclusion, it remains unclear when the superstition for Friday the thirteenth comes from

Really a day filled with back luck?

The following stories make you believe that Friday the thirteenth actually brings bad luck. For example, Tupac Shakur was shot and died on Friday the thirteenth in 1996. In addition, a plane crash occurred on Friday the thirteenth,October 1972. The plane collapsed in the Andes mountains and the surviving passengers had to eat their dead fellow passengers in order to stay alive.

The above events that took place on Friday the thirteenth are of course terrible. But is this reason for you to stay on this day or are you not so superstitious?

I went skydiving last month. Yes me. Anyone who knows me a little might think, you?! However, I chose to jump with some of my colleagues.

Choices, choices
In office there had been talk about skydiving for months, one of my colleagues had once been and he strongly advised us to do it once too. Slowly I decided to join. Two days before the spring day, I bought my ticket as last one of the group. From that moment on, I slept badly every night. I was so nervous, partly subconscious. The night before jumping I literally did not sleep. The whole ride to Texel and while waiting for our springmoment I have been in my own head, sunk in my own mind.

Coping with the tension
Although our group of 9 had a great time, everybody handled their nervousness in their own way. Some asked a lot of questions, to the people of the center, to each other. Occasionally a big sigh here and there. And doubts. I think I have heard and said the sentences “What are we doing?”, “Why are we doing this?” about 50 times.

I was mainly “surviving” until the moment of the jump. And then it’s time: put on your jumpsuit and your armor and walk over to the plane. Halfway to the plane you meet your tandemmaster. The person responsible for your jump.

On the plane
A funny, happy man walks up to me and says, “May I be your tandemmaster?”. Of course I answer. While I think again, what am I doing? Still in my mind, along with my tandemaster, I continue to the plane. When seated, I can finally enjoy: I can not turn back anyway.

The view is incredibly beautiful, jokes are made, you enjoy the people around you. Happy, nervous, happy, nervous. I’m at the front of the plane, which means I’m one of the first to jump. Second of my group to be precise.

The plane must reach 9000 feet / 3 km before the first one is allowed to jump. Suddenly the door opens. My heart stops for a while (it feels like that anyway), between me and the door is just one of my colleagues with his tandemmaster. In front of me is the cameraman and beside him is a boy who is going to jump alone. The boy jumps first, within 1 second he is out of sight. Like being sucked in a vacuum hole.

My turn
And then it my turn. Before I know it, I’m on the edge of the plane and I jump: with my head first! The free fall takes about 30 seconds and passes before I even notice.

Once the parachute opens, there is silence, rest and an indescribable feeling all at once. Really, like you’re flying. The view is great! My tandemmaster lets me determine the direction of the parachute for a while, and I fully enjoy the descent.

Enjoy the ride
Once on the ground, I can finally relax. Afterwards I think to myself: why all the stress? I wanted to jump? Sure, just about everyone is scared to jump out of an airplane. But once you made the choice to do it, why not accept and experience it? And it was not so scary after all! So I proved myself again that fear should not determine your life, you do not know what it’s gonna be like, so what are you trying to accomplish with letting fear and stress control your days?

Why I think everybody has to jump once, Will Smith might better explain:

 

You might recognize this: you feel uncomfortable in a room filled with a lot of people or you blush when you meet someone for the first time. It is human to feel nervous or anxious in social situations. However, there are also people who experience intense anxiety during such situations. You may be afraid to behave in a certain way or to exhibit anxiety symptoms (such as blushing, trembling or sweating). You are afraid that others will judge you negatively because of these symptoms. The fear of a negative impression also has an influence on how you come across to others. It sometimes seems like you are, for example, weird or boring, while this does not have to be the case at all! As a rule, social anxiety is characterized by fear and discomfort in many different social situations.

Do you experience social anxiety? You can improve considerably by applying the tips below! (If you still have trouble, do not hesitate and ask for help!)

Just do it!
As long as you stay at home in your safe environment and keep avoiding social situations, the fear will continue to exist. When you are anxious in a social situation, there is always a moment when the fear diminishes or even disappears. During a social situation, try to focus on this moment of decline in fear. You have to trust that this moment will happen. Once you no longer resist your fear and no longer avoid it, you learn to not be afraid of social situations anymore. The best way to get rid of your fear is to place yourself in a social situation. Before you encounter such situation, you can think to yourself: ‘What is the worst thing that can happen to me? To turn red in public? So what!!’ The more you expose yourself to social situations, the better you will be able to deal with such situations.

You matter
‘If I say something, everyone will think I am stupid.’ ‘If I start a conversation with these people, the color of my face will turn bright red.’ These are thoughts that can play up when you encounter a social situation. It is important to be aware that you have the same rights and you are just as valuable as everyone else, this means that you are not better or less than anyone else. There is no reason to compare yourself with others because you are unique in your own way! So dare to take your place and to stand up for yourself!

Create trust in yourself
In order to achieve this, it is important that your self-confidence increases. This does not happen overnight. So give yourself some time, your self-confidence needs time to grow. Now we are back at point 1 ‘Just do it.’ Go out of your comfort zone and show yourself that you can do it. Before you leave your comfort zone, you can think of a situation from the past where you have succeeded in dealing well with your fear. You must have relied on yourself back then, otherwise you did not come to that victory! Perhaps the sweat broke you out a number of times during social situations, but no one is flawless. After all, we are only human!