Since 2015 I have been struggling with panic attacks. In that year, the company I worked for was taken over by a new owner. By nature I am a hard worker. However, my new boss raised the bar even higher and an even greater overtime culture was created. Everyone in the company participated. Me too! Because if you didn’t, you would get nasty comments about it.
I regularly worked on in my free time. At that time my dizziness complaints started and later on panic attacks started to occur. They mainly happened on highway, but sometimes also in the supermarket. They were terrible! The feeling that I would faint and afterwards I that heavy tiredness as if I had practiced top sport.
I started to doubt my own abilities
The obvious solution was to change jobs. However, I enjoyed my work and colleagues and I was scared to change jobs. I was mentally not at my strongest and in the meantime I was starting to doubt my abilities.
At one point it was so bad that I was already nauseous and dizzy in the morning, afraid of what awaited me that day. I knew it was time to change jobs. This was no longer possible. Pretty soon I had found another nice job with nice colleagues. By changing jobs I had the expectation that the panic attacks would decrease or perhaps disappear. Unfortunately this was not true.
My way to NiceDay
I was sick of it and needed tools to get the panic attacks under control. I started looking for the possibilities for online help. I read an experience story about a young woman who was often dizzy and with help of NiceDay her complaints were gone. I wanted this too!
Work in progress
Soon I had my intake. This felt good! Apart from the fact that I felt there was a click, things went better after every session. My coach also guided me through the entire process. I received relaxation exercises, relaxing music, breathing exercises and more information. I also received exposure assignments. So I actively started looking for situations where I would get panic attacks. We evaluated the assignments via the app, chat and by telephone.
We discussed my perfectionism and the fact that I have to indicate my boundaries more strongly at work. On this topic I also received interesting articles and tips which I started to apply in my daily life.
More peace
I have become more alert to my mental and physical health. I get a bit more rest, don’t set the bar so high and I set my boundaries better. I also started exercising and meditating regularly. The panic attacks have been considerably reduced. It now even happens that they no longer continue. I’m really happy with it!
NiceDay is for everyone
I can recommend NiceDay to anyone. Despite the fact that it is digital, it is still very personal. It is nice that you have an “appointment” with your psychologist every week. There are no weeks between sessions if you don’t want to, so you actively work on your recovery.
I am very grateful to my coach Sarah, without her I would never have achieved what I have achieved now!
Brandon sought help because he felt very gloomy. Thanks to the online coaching, he has started to love himself more. Curious about his experience? Read along!
How did you end up at NiceDay?
I came to NiceDay via Google. In an extremely gloomy mood I took the step to search the internet. I ended up at the website of NiceDay and noticed that the concept appealed to me a lot. I downloaded the app directly and made a start with the process.
Can you share more about your complaints?
I felt very sad for a long time. Primarily, this manifested in listlessness and fatigue. It also had an effect on my relationship, for example in the area of sexual desires. For a long time I thought it would get better by itself. However, I could not figure out what exactly caused the complaints. During the process, my coach and I discovered that there I was having a depression. In addition, I was informed that my parents decided to divorce after a long marriage. This situation considerably enhanced my complaints.
How did you feel after the first session?
Relieved, because I had really taken the first step. My coach asked a lot of questions in the first session. Therefore, she immediately had a complete picture of my complaints. However, I was still skeptical as to whether the process would actually help.
How did you experience the digital treatment?
Awesome! I believe that the digital treatment helps enormously with the treatment. You are in your own familiar environment, so you have the need to share everything faster. Another advantage is that you do not lose time to travel! It was also nice that the coach occasionally sent a message asking how things went in between sessions.
How did you continue to use the NiceDay app, besides calling and chatting?
My coach asked me to register a diary with feelings in the app. This way, my coach and I gained insight into my complaints.
What did you learn from your coach?
What I learned from coach Sarah is that it’s not surprising that I was experiencing depression complaints, given the circumstances. She also taught me that it is okay to feel pretty bad sometimes. She has also taught me that awareness of behavior and thoughts is an important first step. Once you are aware of this, it is easier to adjust. I started to love myself more. However, this is still my biggest challenge in life.
Would you recommend NiceDay to others?
Absolutely. My coach told me that especially young men, like me, have difficulty seeking help. I hope this will change in the future. Many people experience something at some point in their life. This is nothing to be ashamed of. When someone in my area tells me about sadness or depressive symptoms, I would recommend NiceDay immediately.
Do you need help to feel good about yourself? Take the test and see if NiceDay is for you.
It is November already, which means that it has been 6 months since my treatment with NiceDay has ended. How am I doing 6 months later? I’ll explain it in this blog.
First of all, I am happy to say that I am doing well! During my treatment at NiceDay I realized that just after my coming out, my life had been a roller coaster. I had to made a big decision really quick: am I doing a 10 month internship in a country where gays are not accepted or shouldn’t I do that? I also got into a relationship fairly quickly. After this relationship broke down, I started thinking. This in combination with the fact that my grandfather was in very poor health, I lost one of my best friends in a motorcycle accident during my treatment at NiceDay and I had to buy a house as well. During this period I went too fast for myself. I felt weak, restless, hot-tempered, sad and I was often unreasonable towards my family.
All these bumps are things that many people experience in their lives. If these bumps come one by one, you often can get through it independently. But all together at once, it became too much for me and I decided to go to NiceDay for help. My dear coach Sarah has listened to my story a lot and gave tips and hints on how to deal with my situation.
I mainly found out that after my coming-out, I was unable to process my “being gay”. Thanks to Sarah, I also found that writing things down greatly helps me to express my heart. I still use writing as an outlet, in which I can express many feelings and sometimes with a tear. About the latter: no, it really is okay to cry once!
I am also very happy that I can share my story on the NiceDay blog, so I can inspire other people and especially help them with my story. Personally, I don’t think I’m the only guy in a similar situation.
Of course, like everyone else, I have a day or an evening when I feel down. But now these moments often have a logical cause and not, as for my treatment, without an apparent reason for myself. Now, I give my life an 8! Especially after the move to my first home!
Hug,
Bert
While I look outside and watch the sun go down, I think about this week. It was a difficult week or actually the last few weeks were very difficult. As I wrote in a blog earlier, I stopped taking antidepressants. It was my own choice because I no longer wanted to take them and because I no longer needed it. At least I thought so, because in the past few weeks I doubt whether I need that pill to get through the week without, among other things, a lot of crying. Or do I have to get the serotonin from somewhere else?
Everything comes in
Everything is noticeable without antidepressants, without the chemical blanket. Really everything. It does not do any harm at first, but if feeling turns into suffering, then action must be taken.That action can be: taking antidepressants again or getting “natural” serotonin from somewhere else. The first option is very tempting, but on the other hand I don’t want to start anymore. Not because I’m ashamed to take medication, but I still feel a lot of resistance. Option two remains: extracting “natural” serotonin from somewhere.
Option two: serotonin
Serotonin is a substance that is made in your brain, so you actually already possess it. Only the substance is not present in the right amount if you suffer from depression. This makes you feel gloomy. But there are ways to naturally increase your serotonin.
One way can be sports. For example, if you start running for half an hour, your brain will produce serotonin that will make you feel better. It’s just not that it is solved by that. You should run more often to notice the effect. Of course it doesn’t have to be a run, another sport is also possible. I had the plan to start running again and to go boxing. I did the latter no less than once, but since I actually felt no difference in my mood, I gave up.
Now that I am writing this I think, why Ghyta? You are not normally a quitter. But I was overpowered by depression. Depression can cause you to give up and the heavier it is, the harder it is to fight it.
So I came up with another way to make natural serotonin: socializing. There is enough for me to socialize because I just moved and started a master. And I have to say it works well. As a result, I forget what is going on in my head and the associated gloom.
It also helps to eat together with friends. That way I eat healthily, I don’t skip meals and I forget how I feel. The good thing is that I don’t necessarily have to talk about how bad I actually feel. Instead, I can talk about more light-hearted topics.
In good and bad times
But when the fun comes to an end and my friends leave, the depression blanket falls over me again. My worst pitfall is not asking for the support I need. It happens to me again and again. I know that I can come to them not only for good things, but also for the moments when things are going badly. At such a moment I ask myself, why don’t you do that? And so far I have no answer. Maybe I should just do it once, and then experience what it is like so that I know they are really there and take me seriously. But yes, easier said than done? In short, the top of the mountain is not yet in sight. There are still a lot of obstacles that I have to face before I can place the flag of victory.
Love,
Ghyta
In my previous blog I explained how I got to the point of seeking help. I wanted to be able to deal better with certain thoughts and needed some support. In this article I want to tell you what I did to change my behavior, thoughts and attitude after my conversations with my coach Sarah were completed. Of course these are all things that work for me and maybe not for you but I hope I can give you some inspiration with my four tips!
#tip1: mindfulness
I try to meditate every day to calm myself, observe my thoughts, let go of unnecessary feelings or simply reflect on the day. By doing this regularly I am aware of the factors that cause me stress, but I also think of everything I am grateful for. Simple breathing exercises also ensure that I can overcome moments of panic or intense tension. I often use applications on my phone such as RelaxMelodies, Breathe and Youper to meditate or do other mindfulness exercises. There are of course many other options to explore when you start researching! Coach Sarah also pointed me to this article about progressive relaxation: very nice exercise if you have difficulty relaxing!
#tip2: the essential triangle of movement, sleep and nutrition
Enough exercise, enough sleep and good food: it sounds incredibly logical, but often not enough value is attached to these three things! The three factors are also very closely linked; good nutrition ensures that you sleep better; sleeping well ensures that you have more energy to move and movement in turn ensures a good night’s sleep. For me this triangle is the basis to feel good. If I don’t feel good physically, I will soon notice that in my mental well-being. Since a year I have been consistently exercising for the first time in my life by bootcamping twice a week and I find that it works wonders for my mental well-being. Sport helps me clear my mind. I find it incredibly difficult to not cling to my thoughts and my thoughts never stand still. An hour of exercise is the only moment for me to succeed. Never thought that I would ever enjoy killing myself in the open air: but I came to love it and wouldn’t want anything else!
#tip3: customized relaxation
This is a valuable tip for me which I received during my coaching trajectory from Sarah: relaxation is not synonymous to doing nothing. For some people doing nothing works great and that is of course super nice but if – like me – you really love planning and structure, doing nothing can feel incredibly useless and therefore sad. So: make lists and make a schedule if that suits you. I was always convinced that in my free time I had to relax by “doing nothing” while I am someone who has a to-do list for everything. I sometimes felt really useless after a night alone at home and this could even result in crying or provoking quarrels with boyfriend. Sarah reassured me by telling me that many people secretly love structure and things to do and it makes sense that you also look for this in your spare time. When I am home alone on days off I make sure I have a schedule with moments of relaxation such as watching series, reading a book, exercising and meditating.
#tip4: selfcare Sunday
It sounds like a cliché instagram hashtag but “Selfcare Sunday” has become sacred to me in recent months. Every Sunday I take a moment for myself to reflect on the week, write in my diary, do yoga exercises, meditate, read and put on a face mask so that I can fully relax. Sometimes this session lasts an hour, sometimes three. Of course it doesn’t always work to do it on Sundays but then I make sure that I plan my moment a day earlier or later. My boyfriend knows this too and makes sure he doesn’t bother me while I go to our bedroom. Everyday I try to write down my feelings in the NiceDay app and I always look back on the week on Sunday: how I felt and what was the cause of it. I write all of these findings in my diary, as well as my goals for the coming week, things I am grateful for and the pitfalls that lie ahead. I notice that by writing things down, I can literally “write off” emotions and thoughts. I hereby give recognition to what I think and feel and believe that it is an important step in self-acceptance and feeling better about yourself!
Love and see you next time,
Mara
In my last blog I talked about how setting goals and attaching conditions to our state of happiness is only temporary and often unsuccessful. I promised to give you an answer on how I found happiness within me so here we go.
Focus on possibilities instead of limitations
We have all done this, I won’t go out and try to make new friends because I already have friends or I do not fit in with other people. If you cling on the notion that something is not possible you are arguing in favour for your limitations. By doing this you are keeping the limitations in your life. If you would argue in favour of your possibilities, you can turn those possibilities into a reality. I think it’s better to prove that we CAN do something instead of reinforce that we can’t do something. It does not matter if we feed our possibilities or our limitations. The one we feed is the one that wins.
Always ask why!
You know how children are always so curious and always keep asking “why” to understand the world around them. I think when we mature, asking the why question remains just as important but more in the sense of understanding the world inside of us. What is your why power? Why is it that you want to study this degree? Move to that city? Buy that new thing? I believe that when you do not have a strong why for what you do we tend to be more sensitive for influences of someone else’s why. When you start to question the reason why you are doing the things you are doing in your life, you might notice that some of them are only because of what others might expect from you or what the media and society perpetuates as something that you must be doing. Asking yourself the why more regularly, makes us understand and set our values. This will make us happy and reassured when making life decisions.
Prioritize play
We were all kids once who were giving pens and paint and we expressed ourselves completely freely. But as we grow older we try to conform and fit in. So I took this whole play part a chance by just letting go sometimes of the idea of being good or great at something. We sometimes just need to do something creative and just do it. Creativity goes well beyond play, it helps us think differently, problem solve differently and helps us build confidence. It can come in so many different forms, singing, dancing, cooking, playing sports. Anything that feels like a unique form of self-expression. Anything that helps us reconnect with our inner child!
Small steps lead to big changes
We live in a society that focuses on crash diets and getting rich quick, so we tend to want big results and we want them fast. But we also know that those quick and fast strategies bring us back to where we started or even worse of then where we were. We can never change our life until we start to change something we do daily. When we put expectations on ourselves such as “I will start working out every day” we tend to not be able to keep it up and quit completely. It is the go big or go home mindset we need to stop having. It are the small things that we do often that makes the changes. Instead of working out every day, start with working out once every week and build it up.
Thank you again for taking the time to read this month’s blog.
Love,
Sabrina
It all started well: relatively few complaints, enjoying the pregnant feeling, shopping for the baby and of course relaxing! But there, the thunderbolt in a clear sky: the feeling after the birth. My little girl came into the world through caesarean section, I was very upset about this beforehand. And when she was finally placed on my chest I felt … nothing. No joy, no emotions, while my dear husband stood beside us in tears. Later, in the room, I suddenly realized: I am responsible for this little person. And after the compulsory rest days in the hospital, we could finally go home. Wonderful: finally my own bed and nice maternity help. I wanted to enjoy it, but I didn’t enjoy it at home either.
I shouldn’t feel this way
There was day 7 of the maternity week, I was talking to my husband and suddenly I could hardly say a word anymore. Apart from yes and no, nothing came out. Before I knew it there was an ambulance at the door. After having done all kinds of tests we had to go to the hospital. Just got home and now I had to go back to hospital … After all sorts of examinations and conversations, the redeeming word: it was a neurological short circuit, as they described it so beautifully.
The day my daughter was allowed to go outside for the first time was the day she had to pick up her care depended mother from the hospital. This made me very sad. I felt that I wasn’t taking care of her well enough. Unfortunately, the days that followed did not go better either. I didn’t feel like doing anything, had a lot of negative thoughts, became more and more anxious, suffered from dizziness, didn’t want to be alone and certainly not go outside. Slowly but surely, I lost myself. I no longer recognized myself. That enthusiastic woman, who loved being with people and doing many things, was now crying at home. Again it felt like I couldn’t take care of my baby, I didn’t do anything good for my feeling. After a few weeks the conclusion came: “this is not good. I shouldn’t feel this way. “
To the doctor for a referral
After consulting my husband, I decided to call the doctor for an appointment. It was a difficult conversation, I had to say out loud that I felt something was wrong, that I didn’t feel like a good mother. After some very confronting questions and a lot of tears I got my referral to the psychologist.
I was very happy that they were going to call me for an appointment. Because I don’t know if I had dared it at that time, I had such a hard time calling the doctor, calling the psychologist was an other step. Shortly thereafter I received a call and my first appointment was quickly planned. I step inside the building and take a seat in the waiting room. After some waiting, I am picked up from the waiting room and uncomfortably I walk behind the lady to her office, I take a seat and we start: can you tell me what your complaints are? Tears jump in my eyes directly. I found it hard to say that I feel a pathetic heap and worse: a bad mother. Before this I was a strong woman. She reassures me and it soon became clear that I had a postnatal depression. I immediately thought: “this can’t be true, what have I done wrong?” Fortunately, it soon became clear to me that this is something that happens to you and is definitely not something that you cause yourself.
How do I continue from here?
“You can treated here, but the waiting list is currently at 8 months.” What do I have to do in the meantime, I think. And before I can finish my thoughts, I get a proposal. She asks if I am interested in a digital treatment. Everything was already so scary, I only wanted to agree if I could remain on the regular waiting list if I decided to join the digital treatment. Fortunately that was possible! I would receive an email with additional information so that I could read a bit about how it works. The mail arrived the next day and I thought it was okay. After a week I scheduled my first digital appointment: I’m going to work via NiceDay.
I want to be me. My whole self. I fought for it, and worked even harder. But, when you are finally at a place where you can be yourself on a regular basis, the opinions and images others have of you are still alive and kicking. Should you care? Yes and no.
If there is one process where you are dependent on the opinions of others, then it is definitely the job application process. I’m in the midst of it right now. My friends know that I am searching and want to help me. Recently, one of them tipped me about a great opportunity. For a company specialized in helping youngsters with problems, they were looking for a life coach. A perfect match for me! She knew the owner and said she would call him to put in a good word for me. Unfortunately that did not work out the way she thought and it ended up to be a tough confrontation with stigma and images others have of the world. She told him, in all of her enthusiasm and belief in me, that I have Borderline. Because she thought it to be an asset for this job, which is true, in my case. But the man on the other side of the line does not know me, and called me a risk. End of conversation, end of job opportunity. That obviously sucks. Where did this go south?
The image of Borderline
Well, it went south with an image of, and opinions about Borderline. This man works in mental healthcare. He is probably familiar with this diagnosis and knows certain characteristics of it. He also knows that some of those characteristics could prove to be a risk for him, as a business owner. But, he does not know me. My friend does. She knows that I am way more than that diagnosis and its presumed characteristics. That I turned something that is seen as a weakness into a strength by working hard and getting to know myself. That I am functioning very well and that I have a lot to offer. But, by mentioning Borderline, she created a link to an image of it, and with that all other things became void. It may be a limited image, a stigma, but it does, in the end, determine the outcome.
Programmed beings
We are very preprogrammed beings. When you think about the fact that we consciously process only 10 percent of what our senses observe, you can ask yourself what happens to the other 90 percent. The lot of what we observe gets processed by our brains, outside of our conscious mind. Those brains are masters in processing information at light speed, giving us the chance to consciously react to what we observe, or not. This is, amongst other things, done by categorizing all this information. That’s a very necessary process, because there is so much of it, and reactions are to be expected in hundreds of a second, we could not function otherwise. Our brains are our computer, there is a lot of processing going on in the background so you can play your game, write your book or do your work.
How we view the world
Unfortunately this helpful tool has it counter effects. Our brains organize the world only in categories they know; that means we see the world as we are. We are looking at the world with only the things we’ve learned, seen and experienced. As we get older, no new categories will be made, everything will be processed and matched to categories we know. It can result you being shoved into a limited category, a wrong category, or, even worse, no category matches you. Because, how does your brain react to something they do not know? That feels like a risk. Anyway, you will never, in the beginning, be seen as a complete person. You will be categorized on the basis of some of your characteristics or appearance. And that is something to keep in mind. Its strategic to take that into account.
How to be strategic?
Being strategic can have a negative taste, because you are consciously choosing what you show others, or not, choosing to play a certain part, not being totally you. I find this difficult at times, and sometimes also feel resistance, to be strategic. We all preach a lot that we should be able to be ourselves, and I am sorry that I cannot just express some things. That there is prejudice. But without boxes we are lost. The Borderline diagnosis is also a box, and, by no means, complete. There are at least 380 ways to experience Borderline, and these are certainly not covered by a list of 10 characteristics. But, I use the Borderline box too. In the beginning to help myself recover and now to support my mission to create more awareness for mental wellbeing. I know, for a fact, that I do sometimes cut corners there too.
Have a plan
Strategic thinking is having a plan, to take your environment and the situation into account. When you understand how we, as humans, ‘work’, how our world view comes about, it becomes easier to create opportunities in which you can be yourself. And as with a lot of things in this world; It’s about who is behind the controls and what motives they have.
This means you should not bluff your way through life or only think about what others expect. You are not yourself when you do. Your job is to know who you are, what your qualities are, what you need and what you can bring to the world. It’s important to know yourself. And, that you take responsibility. In searching for a job that means that you try to really honestly estimate if you can do the job, if you are qualified. Subsequently you can focus on the best way to ‘get into the door’, that’s having a plan.
This failed ‘job application’ was an important reminder that there is still a lot of stigma about mental health issues. And, again it reminded me of how we need to focus on more information, and not on fighting already existing images. More information broadens people’s views. Just like my friend saw me as way more than a diagnosis. Familiarity with, makes things less scary, feels less of a risk, and increases chance of different reactions.
It’s time. Time to choose me. I want to do a lot, but right now I just can’t. I try to be strong but at the end of the day that doesn’t work. It’s time. I will take half a year off. And to be very honest, this is very scary for me.
Working on autopilot
Do you know that feeling that the day passes by but you have no sense of time and you live in a kind of haze? I call it the autopilot. The autopilot is one of my survival mechanisms. Every day I do what I have to do without being aware of what I am actually doing. Probably this sounds a bit confusing. Suppose you are cycling, and your thoughts are somewhere else. You will cycle home the same route you always do, without noticing it. At home you realize that you came home unconsciously. That’s how I feel all the time. I do things without being aware of it, and yet this brings me to the end of the day. Sometimes there are times when I am fully aware of my actions, that feels so great.
Scary
And then all of a sudden it dawned on me that I can no longer live on autopilot. I have tried several things, like mindfulness. But I have a hate-love relationship with mindfulness. It doesn’t work for me. That’s why I will spend half a year on working on myself. Maybe even for a year, but I will see how it goes. I find it scary because I like to have control over what I’m doing.. As I wrote in my blog ‘Is this it?‘, I like to plan. I’ve always mapped out my life. If you’d told me this three years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. No way that I give up! But that was then. Because actually this is not giving up, this is fighting back. I am going fight against my demons without being able to flee into study or work.
Self love
I have been off for several weeks now. When the summer started, I didn’t know what to do. I was so tired of studying and working. I agreed with myself (and also with my therapist: P) to be nice for myself. So, I am going to give myself a dose of self-love. What that looks like? Not being too strict for myself and stop when my body tells me to. Now I don’t have any obligations for half a year, I can also pick up my other hobbies: playing the piano, singing, reading and writing!
Yes, it’s scary. Terribly scary. But everyday I’m a bit more convinced that I made the right choice.
Quote with this story: Self love will save your soul – R.H. Sin (from The Minds Journal)
Love,
Ghyta
Nowadays everything has to be nice. Your job should be nice, your friends should be nice, your clothes, your home and furnishings should be nice. Your boyfriend or girlfriend must also be very nice. Besides your work, your study has to be nice, why else would you do it? You have to have a nice day, a nice time, with nice people and in a nice environment, for example on a nice terrace or in a nice cafe. After all, you want to have a nice life. Or not?
Nice
The word ‘nice’ seems to be the only word we use to indicate what we feel and experience. We find something nice when we like it, or when it’s cozy or warm. We also use it when we find someone attractive, whether they are beautiful, charming or handsome – they are nice! Even if we really like something, we do not use words like amusing, amazing, funny, cool or entertaining, no we just like it: nice!
It’s pretty clear: it’s nice or it’s not nice. That’s how we understand each other. And we do what we like. If it’s not nice, you shouldn’t do it. This way we support each other. But should it always be nice? Is a place, person, activity or situation only acceptable if it is nice?
My experience
I catch myself on saying ‘nice’ very often. It has crept in unnoticed and has taken possession of me. I use almost no other word than ‘nice’ to describe my feelings, mood and perception. Gradually my life has been reduced to a state of being nice or not being nice. And when I look at my life in this way, it’s mostly ‘not nice’ and that depresses me a lot.
More than nice
Is there more than nice? Can something also be interesting, fascinating, poignant or stimulating? Can people not be special? Fun, striking, curious or wondrous? Can we also describe them as inspiring, stimulating, or even laughable instead of nice? An activity does not only have to be nice but can also be stimulating, moving, energising or inspiring. A place can be beautiful, gorgeous or amazing. In a negative sense, you can also say that you find something annoying, unpleasant, scary or frightening instead of ‘not nice’. Maybe something is bad, stressful, painful or exhausting.
It’s not just nice or not nice. The world and your experience is much richer than that flat dichotomy. There are thousands of ways in which we can experience a place, person, situation or activity and express it with so many words.
Anxiety
It’s nice to have lunch together! For example, I visited the Sense Health company a few days ago – yes, the company of which this blog is part of. A number of bloggers were invited for a lunch. I don’t like that! I find social activities with strangers in a strange setting terrifying. I feel insecure, not to know where I should be, what is expected of me or how I should behave. It triggers my traumas and makes me very restless. That is not nice. Already a few days in advance I start to feel nervous, sleep poor and I don’t feel good on the day itself. In the train the tension rises, I start to sweat and want to go back, safely home. I know that I don’t have to be afraid, but my body does not think, it only feels. It makes it clear to me that I don’t like it.
Think different
To look at things differently: afterwards, as always, it was okay. Once I realized that it does not have to be ‘nice’, there was room to experience it differently (and ultimately richer). I became aware that although I don’t like it, I have experienced it as very meaningful, important and valuable. I have been able to contribute to developments of activities and products that can improve the quality of life of people with a vulnerability. Despite the nerves and fear, I felt valued because what I said was taken seriously. I did not like it but it was good to be there.
By regularly saying to myself that it doesn’t always have to be nice, I am more open to other experiences without having to deny the nasty and painful aspects. Life is not either nice, or not nice, but has a much richer range of experiences, moods and appreciations.