One of the biggest misconceptions in our current society is the thought that we should always pursue happiness. This idea is reinforced by social media. We see our friends in perfect photos, in idyllic locations, surrounded by love and sunshine #imsohappy #imhavingthebesttimeever.
The degree of happiness says something about our social status nowadays. By presenting ourselves as positive and energetic, we place ourselves a little higher on that social ladder. But happiness is overrated. In fact, allowing yourself to feel deeply miserable sometimes can even help you to feel happier. My advice: let those negative emotions be!
The numbers
You can find The Netherlands on fifth place in the world ranking list of the happiest countries according to the World Happiness Report from 2019. We live in a liberal, democratic and prosperous country, where education and healthcare are well organized. In short, we have every reason to be happy. Also, studies have shown that happy people are generally more successful in their careers, have more social contacts, sleep better, earn more money and live longer than those who are not happy. These are the benefits of being happy.
Are there any disadvantages to feeling happy?
There is nothing wrong with being happy and feeling happy. But the danger lies in the idea that we must always be happy. If we have that expectation, there is little to no room for having negative emotions. After all, these negative emotions do not fit in that picture of a ‘perfect’ life.
The function of emotions
When we deny or hide negative emotions, such as sadness, fear, anger or disappointment, we miss a number of important signals. All our emotions, both positive and negative, have a function. They tell us what we need. That restless feeling that you have in the morning before you go to work, or the disappointment that you always feel within that one friendship for example. They can all be signals that you are missing something or want something particular.
So there are benefits of feeling unhappy?
Exactly! By listening to that unhappy feeling, we will be more in contact with ourselves, with who we are and what we need. But this can be quite a challenge. Certainly when we are no longer used to doing this.
How do I become unhappy again?
Like so many things, everything starts with awareness. We do not strive to become unhappy, but we must learn to recognize when we are unhappy. Below are some tips that can help you with this.
- If someone asks you how you are, tell them how you are feeling! Recognize when you feel bad and try to share this with others.
- Don’t be afraid of having unpleasant feelings. Realize that negative emotions are not forever and shall pass too.
- Remember that negative emotions are not meaningless, but can give you a lot of insight.
NiceDay app
In the NiceDay app you can register your mood with the help of a smiley. Set a reminder for yourself to keep track of you mood a couple of times a day. This can help you think more about how you really feel.
In 2005 Daniel Powter released the song Bad Day and it was an instant hit. It’s not weird that the song got immense popular because everyone experiences a bad day every now and then. Our current society seems to be obsessed with finding happiness. If you think that social media reflects the real world you would think that only a few people experience a bad day though. In addition, you often hear from others “that you have to keep smiling” and that feeling down can even be a waste of your time. Nonsense!
‘Cause you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
Let it be a bad day
There is a reason why we have certain emotions. They are telling you something. By feeling your emotions when they are there, you make room for the particular emotions. Try not to resist it because you will achieve the opposite. If you resist, you will probably be stuck with it the next day. In addition, you set the bar very high if you always need to think and feel positive. Try to accept that there is a whole spectrum of emotions. Don’t fool yourself and let these bad days be.
Good self care
It remains important to take good care of yourself on these days. What do you need to get through a bad day? Do you like to talk about your day with a friend/ partner or family member? Maybe it helps to cook a nice meal for yourself? For some people it helps to exercise for an hour in the evening.
Try not to get stuck in negative thoughts about yourself or about your functioning. A bad day is part of life and that does not mean that you as a person have failed. Sometimes it can also help to dwell briefly at the end of such a day on what you are grateful for in your life.
The advantage of bad days
If you can embrace bad days then you will probably enjoy the better days more! If you can embrace the bad days then you will begin to see what you value in life. Who knows, you may find out that you are very dissatisfied with a certain aspect of your life. Think about it and the changes you can make in order for you to become satisfied again.
NiceDay app
Are you having a bad day? Register what happened in the diary registration in the NiceDay app. You can write it off and look at it again the next day. What did you learn from this day?
It’s raining. It’s spring. I’m still wearing my winter coat and I’m stuck in traffic again. These are the well-known complaints of the average Dutch person. We are good in complaining and seeing things from a negative point of view. But does this really make us happier? Or would you prefer to come home feeling cheerful and happy instead of being so negative because of the weather and the traffic?
Negativity bias
It is not surprising that a person complains a lot. A person is programmed in such a way that he notices negativity faster than positivity. This is also called the negativity bias. A person is more sensitive to negative or threatening cues, because it still builds on the instinct of our prehistoric ancestors. Back then people had an evolutionary advantage to be aware of every danger, because who knows maybe a tiger was lurking somewhere around the corner! These days the function of this advantage has disappeared, but the bias has remained.
Automatic focus
A person is therefore driven by negativity. We automatically focus on negative cues. Negatively charged cues narrow the attention and intensify the focus. And by paying attention to something, the emotional value increases again. Research has shown, for example, that pain is experienced as more intense when you focus on it. So you have a tendency to focus on negative cues and because you focus on this, you also experience it more intensely … Now stop all negativity for a moment!
Awareness
Now that you have become aware of this bias, you can do something about it!
- Evaluate the day. Why was today terrible? Why was today horrible for you compared to someone else? Or can you convince yourself that you are all in the same boat and that you just have to get through this.
- Name something positive instead of something negative. Giving attention to negativity makes the feeling worse. Don’t talk about the weather when the weather is bad and name something positive about the day for a change!
- Let go of what you have no influence on. You can worry about this endlessly, but you will not be able to solve it. If you can’t solve it, it’s not your problem!
- Be mindful. If you allow yourself to be dragged by negative cues all day long, you will for sure come home feeling grumpy. Research shows that fifteen minutes of mindfulness already helps to correctly identify positive and negative cues and creates more optimism. After the rain comes the sun!
NiceDay app
Schedule fifteen minutes in the NiceDay app to evaluate the day. Was it loaded with negativity? Was it really that bad? Or were there enough positive things that you actually missed because you were in a negative spiral? Register how you feel when your mindfulness is over for 15 minutes!
Everyone has bad days: your train is delayed, exactly on the day that you have to give an important presentation. You have spilled coffee on yourself and now you have to walk with a big stain on your favourite blouse for the whole day. Or you are working on a certain project that is not going as well you expected. There are all kinds of situations that make you feel frustrated, one more annoying than the other. Maybe you are irritated by someone else, maybe you are irritated by yourself. The basic emotion remains the same though: frustration.
First aid for frustrations
Sometimes we feel frustrated. It can be very annoying. You are irritated, angry, perhaps sad and desperate. This can take a lot of energy. So what can we do to deal with these feelings?
Adjust your expectations …
Frustrations often depend on expectations. For example, if you expect your teammate to make his deadlines on time, you might get frustrated if he doesn’t meet these expectations. But it can also be related to your expectations of yourself. If you for example expect to graduate within a year, but you experience some delay, it can also cause a lot of frustration. What helps in these situations is to adjust your expectations. Is it really that bad to take a little longer to finish that one project?
… and accept the situation
Acceptance is key. If you accept reality as it is, you can let go of your frustrations much easier. Accept that people are not perfect and that you cannot control everything. If necessary, forgive yourself or others for any mistakes that have been made.
Observe your frustration
Acceptance is often easier said than done. Often, you still want to let your frustrations out. However, research has shown that it does not help to keep on expressing your frustrations. This could even make things worse. What could help is to observe your frustration. Complete the following sentence: “I feel frustrated because …” In this way you gain insight into the reasons why you feel frustrated and you can learn more about yourself, your expectations and how you can adjust them. Perhaps you can also look at the situation in a positive way. For example: “I feel frustrated because the train is delayed and therefore I might be too late for my presentation. I can breathe, send a message to my colleagues, and now I have some time to get a nice cup of coffee at the station. ”
Turn your frustrations into something positive
You might as well try to use the adrenaline and energy that is released when you feel frustrated to make the situation better. Often these feelings cause you to find more creative solutions. Who knows, you might also be able to reach your goal in another way. However, sometimes we keep on trying but in the end it does not work out you the way you wanted to. This can cause more frustration. In these cases: know that you did everything in your power to make it work and then try to let go.
Distract yourself
If you still feel frustrated, try to distract yourself by doing something fun. Use sports as an outlet, have a lighthearted conversation with someone, or listen to some uplifting music. After doing this you will probably feel a lot better!
NiceDay App
Feeling frustrated? Observe your frustration and write it down in your Diary. Also register your emotions in order to gain more insight into your feelings. You can also plan a fun activity in your Daily Planner to positively distract yourself from your frustrations.
We live in a consumer society. We are buying and spending more and more then we need these days. If you see something that you like, you want to have it. And when you purchase the item, you activate certain parts of your brain that release dopamine. This will improve your mood and make you feel a lot happier. But does retail therapy really work to control your emotions?
The numbers
Research has shown that half of the Dutch society can experience happiness by buying clothes. Gfk, a research agency, investigated the consumer behaviour of nearly 19,000 Dutch consumers. Books and vacations are the top things that make people happy besides clothes.
Men mainly say to experience feelings of happiness from booking vacations and buying gadgets. Women find happiness in purchasing clothes, shoes and accessories. In addition, women also say that they can get happy when they are buying items for the interior. Both men and women feel happy when they bought books. What was striking in the study is the older the respondents were, the less happy they became from buying things.
Scientific research
Various scientific studies have shown that retail therapy works. “Shopping as a therapy is often regarded as an inefficient, pivotal and that it’s dark side effect of our consumer behaviour, but that thought is too negative: shopping can be an effective remedy for sadness,” according to researchers from University of Michigan in the Journal of Consumer Psychology. The researchers believe that shopping and making choices while shopping provide a sense of control. As a result, sad feelings will disappear.
However, other studies show that people also use retail therapy when a stressful situation is imminent. Before a stressful situation occurs, consumers buy products that are specifically associated with supporting or reinforcing the part of themselves that can and/ or will be ‘threatened’. This means that they are shopping in order to protect themselves.
Is retail therapy good for you?
There is actually nothing wrong with shopping. It can be good for you in a positive way if you do it consciously and responsibly. The problems arise when you constantly want to go shopping to repress certain emotions and you are unable to process them in a different way. This is when retail therapy no longer helps you improve your mood. Instead, it only helps to conceal your problems or even to create new ones.
Are you uncomfortable and do you need distraction? You can also improve your mood by engaging in physical exercise or other satisfying activities such as making a nice meal or listening to music. Dopamine is also released during such activities!
Are you annoyed easily if you have not eaten for a while? Feeling hungry isn’t nice and if we can’t eat for a while this can be very frustrating. It can take the upper hand in your thoughts and strengthen (negative) emotions. But where does this feeling actually come from?
Hangriness
Hangry stands for ‘hunger’ and ‘angry’: getting angry because you are hungry. Maybe you recognize it, feeling angry towards the person next to you, simply because that person is breathing a little too loud. But, after you’ve eaten it’s all fine again. It’s OK, we feel you ;-).
Does hangry really exist?
More and more research support it, hunger is an emotion! And this has everything to do with hormones. If you have not eaten for a while, your blood sugar level drops. When your blood sugar level is (too) low, your body intervenes. Your body needs energy! That is why it sends out hormones to tell you that you have to eat something. These are the same hormones as the hormones released during stress. That explains the tense and agitated feeling.
How do you reduce hangriness?
When we are hangry, we are guided by our emotions without being aware of it. We see the world a bit more negative and blame others more quickly. Being aware of this already helps a lot. Is it really that bad that the person next to you is breathing so loudly? If you find yourself having (incorrect) negative thoughts, make sure to have a positive distraction. Listen for example to that song you like so much!
To prevent is better than to cure
Of course you prefer to avoid a hunger attack. Therefore eating enough and healthy is the only solution. It is important to keep your blood sugar level constant. Take snacks with you everywhere you go, for example some nuts. Leave white bread and pasta for what it is and go for the whole wheat version. Also make sure to consume enough protein, that’s especially important during breakfast. Do you normally have a sandwich for breakfast? Then also add a cup of yogurt or an egg to your meal!
Are you hangry sometimes?
A lot of people have insecurities. This can be about your work, your school work, what you look like, how you come across to other people or how your future will be. You can’t help to get insecure. However, the art of feeling better about yourself is not to be guided by your insecurities. We share 6 tips with you to help you out.
Tips to overcome insecurity
Typical insecurities are being afraid of making mistakes, being led by what other people think of you, believing others are better than you or assuming that nobody likes you. Insecurity is not congenital. It’s getting anxious about yourself or a certain situation, which affects your self esteem. These 6 tips help you deal with insecurity:
1. Don’t try to ‘read’ other people’s thoughts
Be aware of the fact that you can’t know what other people think of you. Try not to fill in their thoughts, everybody thinks in a different way. On top of that, a lot of people are too focused on themselves to even think about you in that sense.
2. Exclude these words
Don’t think in negative words. Examples of these words are: always, never and not at all. Try to avoid these words and try be milder to yourself.
3. Set achievable goals
A lot of people are insecure because they want to achieve a goal that is out of reach. This is painful and can make you feel insecure. Before setting a goal, consider whether it’s achievable or not. If the goal is too big, divide it into smaller goals. Also keep in mind that it’s OK to make mistakes and to take a step back.
4. Write down positive things about yourself
Write all the positive things about yourself down on a piece of paper. Everything! So your qualities, the skills that you believe are good in and what good you’ve done today. If you can’t come up with something, write down the successes you’ve achieved already. For example, getting a graduate degree! Look back on how far you’ve got already.
5. Knowledge is self confidence
Learning will help you grow confidence. For example a training will increase your knowledge about certain areas. Having a presentation coming up? Visit a training to improve your presentation skills!
6. The right attitude does wonders
Walking, sitting and standing straight can provide more self-confidence. Furthermore, it can help to look people in the eye while you are talking. But do this with a smile and not insistently.
NiceDay app
Discuss your insecurities with your professional and how to overcome them. Write them down in you NiceDay-diary to get insight in your thoughts and emotions.
Although we all want life to be about roses, it’s not the reality. Yet, we often act as if. For example, you might say “everything is good!” when you are actually having a bad day? Or maybe you do something because you think people expect it from you, but you don’t really feel like it? How often do you ignore fatigue to do something nice with friends? How often do you ignore signals, and that voice that tells you that you need to rest?
Ups and downs
Our society is organized in such a way that we all have to be successful. For example, on social media you see nothing but joyful and beautiful people. If things aren’t going that well for you, you might feel like you’re failing.
Yesterday I spoke to someone who is recovering from a burnout. She said she never experienced ups and downs before. She thought that life was just always ‘okay’. Still, she got a burnout earlier this year, completely out of the blue. In the end it turnt out that she had been pushing her boundaries for years.
Why admitting you’re not okay is important
Life is not always fun and that’s okay. However, sometimes it feels like you have to like everything. If you don’t like something, you start to complain. Not accepting that life can be less fun too. If I am sad, I will just ignore it until I can no longer ignore it. However, ignoring signals takes a lot of energy. Rest is also important, how boring it may sound. Embracing sadness gives you space to deal with it, to process it. Hard? Absolutely! I don’t know if I will ever learn it, but I do believe that it starts with listening to your body and your mind (and of course your heart).
We are all born with an inherent need for attachment. We want to feel secure and need to have trust that we are taken care of when needed. As babies we show behavior that stimulates closeness, protection and care. And we usually get all this. But sometimes, along the way, things take a wrong turn. As it did with me.
A subconscious process
I don’t feel secure about who I am and I do not have a lot of confidence about myself or trust in the world. This experiences and feelings that come with those, have created a certain behavior. Behavior that maybe is no longer useful or needed. But has become this automatic, largely subconscious, process.
Behavior
Our behavior is subconscious for about 80 percent. Like riding a bicycle. We do not have to think about it anymore. We just ride it. There are a lot of other behaviors that are subconscious. And that’s mostly a good thing, otherwise we could not function. But there are also negative subconscious behaviors that hold you back or make you unhappy. For me, the thing that went wrong in the attachment process and the behavior it caused, is buried in this 80 percent.
But how do I get to this subconscious behavior? And, more important, how do I change it or get rid of it?
Understanding
For me it is really helpful to understand things. Understanding is no automatic cure, but it’s a start. A start to try to change something and get help.
I faced a lot of rejection in my life. Rejection that concerned my hypersensitivity and my emotions. I felt misunderstood by my family and probably was. The home environment that I needed to feel safe, was not safe for me. Later on I got bullied at school. Another rejection and another place that was not safe. At home I hid in my room and for the outside world I tried to play a part. A part that was me, but only part of me, only positive things. I did everything I could not to be a burden and to excel positively. Beneath this mask I fought an internal war against negative emotions, stress, depression and self-hatred. Sometimes those feelings surfaced. At home I got angry or really sad. Desperate really. I fought against myself or anybody near me.
The outside world could sometimes see me explode too, but I usually tried to flee or avoid it. I stayed away, did not show up and was not reachable. When I was done with rage, pain and fighting, the emptiness followed. Silence. I was exhausted and needed rest. And then, history would repeat.
Changing behavior
When you want to change subconscious behavior, you’ll have to consciously work on it. To be able to do that, you should be aware that there are 4 elements of behavior: a stimulus or trigger, a thought, behavior and the result. Let me explain this with an example.
For me a good, but also complicated example, is love. Feeling and wanting love is a trigger for me. As well my own feelings as those of another person. The thought is that I want to keep that love. I do not want to lose it. I believe that I can only be loved and keep it if I am not a burden and a very lovable and admirable person. My behavior as a result is trying to stay lovable. Result is that I suppress negative emotions that I feel about things. Because that is not wanted.
A downward spiral
This is the start of a downward spiral, because of suppressing feelings I will get angry or over emotional about things that are not the problem. I cannot hide these emotions and for another person they will be out of the blue and or not fitting the situation. Because I cannot hide, I get more scared of losing love and being rejected. Emotions and avoidance get worse, I cannot be myself anymore and stress and exhaustion take over. Until I can’t take no more and everything in my life comes to a hold, to rest.
Looking for patterns
These patterns are too complicated and too big to easily change. But I can see and understand the trigger, the thought, behavior and the result. And when you can do that, you can start small. For example by noticing your behavior. When I see myself getting extremely angry with myself or ‘overreacting’ to something, I can give myself the chance to notice it. And to stop and think where this might come from. When I can recognize that I have fallen prey to a subconscious process again, I can, as a next step, try to change something about it. Like forgiving myself and try to stop the anger. Goal is of course to work your way to the trigger and change that, and so, change the result. But that’s a big one and takes time.
It’s a long road
To change behavior you need to have patience. And help or support from others. These processes are so tough. Sometimes you really need somebody else’s perspective or analysis. They can help you see that you are showing behavior that is no longer helping you. I still see a psychiatrist and that is good for me. He gives me a secure place and sees me as I am. I do not feel judged. And I feel patience.
This is not something I will grow out of. This is hard work. And sometimes I don’t know if I want to go on. I’m so tired at times. And that’s how it is. Two steps forward, one back. But I also know that I feel a lot of good things too and have wonderful memories. That I have come far already.
I want to create more inner peace. More acceptance about who I am and being who I am (safety). And trust that I can reach that goal. I want myself to have that, I whisper.
Trees change color, temperature decreases and the days get shorter: autumn. To be honest, I am not a big fan of this time of the year. All those colors are beautiful but I don’t like the rain and the cold! Many people experience autumn blues and find the prospect of half a year of bad weather difficult to cope with. They experience lower energy levels and feel less happy.
Some people have to cope with serious depressive complaints in autumn and winter: a seasonal depression. It’s a serious problem since every year there is autumn. The good news is that there is certainly something to do about it! Here are four tips:
Move, preferably outside
Although you might prefer to chill on the couch under a blanket, it is really more helpful to get outside and exercise regularly. There is less daylight during the winter and autumn, however, daylight will be good for you especially during this period. Your body produces endorphins while exercising, which makes you feel better immediately. So run, cycle or walk a few times a week and do it outside! The best time to get outside is in the morning. At this time of the day there is relatively more blue light, which inhibits the production of melatonin. This will make you feel less tired and drowsy during the day.
2. Eat healthy
In the summer(vacation) you might have let yourself go lose on barbecues, wine and pizza. Now it is the time to start eating healthy again. By eating healthy you will feel better, you will be less prone to cold and experience higher energy levels. Avoid eating foods high in sugar and carbohydrates, eat enough fruits and vegetables and take multivitamin supplements.
3. Get some rest!
Autumn is also a perfect time to get some rest! Plan time to relax and make sure to get enough sleep. Go offline and read a book by the fireplace, you don’t need to be ‘on’ all the time. Be nice to yourself. This ensures a mental balance, reduces stress and will spice up your energy levels.
4. Seek for help
Do you suffer from a recurring depression every year as soon as it gets darker and the first leaves fall from the trees? Then you might benefit from professional help. You can think of light therapy, running therapy or maybe you would like to talk to a psychologist. There are plenty of possibilities that might make you feel better.
What do you do prevent the autumn or winter blues?
