The moment had arrived; last Sunday was my birthday. 30, the big 3-0, the dirty thirty. People kept on asking me how I felt about it, whether I was OK with it. And actually I found that a very strange question.
Birthdays
As a little girl, I regularly celebrated my birthday. I enjoyed to get spoiled with gifts and to hang out with my friends. But afterwards it went downhill. Because of bullying at school, I did not want to celebrate it anymore and if people let you down, that doesn’t get any better. So after so many disappointments, you just stop. Family often came to drink a cup of coffee and eat some cake. But celebrate? Nope.
Also I didn’t want to go to celebrate someone else’s birthday anymore. Where there were people I didn’t know and didn’t feel comfortable with. No, birthdays were no longer spent on me.
Mindset
I was in the middle of my therapy when I decided to go to a birthday party again. It was my best friend’s birthday and I thought: Why not? I was still terribly insecure about who I was and what I looked like, but I also wanted to step out of my private bubble and push my boundaries.
I will never forget this evening, where I met my current boyfriend. And what is actually special about that? He also hates birthdays, from the bottom of his heart. Also almost nobody knows his birthday. Fortunately, he makes an exception for some friends. And yes, luckily he was there last Sunday!
Open and honest
At the last couple of birthday parties I visited, I was very open and honest about my fears. I said in advance that I found it difficult because there would be many unknowns. But this has certainly helped me to have nice evenings. This made me very enthusiastic about my own birthday! I ordered a cake, but then I got scared. Would everyone come? Or will they let me down again?
D-day!
It started great. My mother decorated everything, I got a present and the cake was in the fridge. My mother asked me: “Why are you so quiet?” I was nervous… But as soon as the first ones arrived at the door, that was gone. I enjoyed it!
No, I don’t mind that I reached thirty. Why? Don’t we all want to get old? Of course it sounds strange, the twenty out and the thirty in. But it doesn’t creep me out. I am happy, do what I like and have a whole future ahead of me. Do I understand that people are afraid when they get older? Yes! But to start with that already? No, you have to enjoy it. My partner is 11 years older than I am, so this also makes me feel a lot younger!
The song of this week: Robyn with Keep this fire burning. A nice song I used to be play quite often. When you listen to it, you notice that it suits me well.
Love, Renée. A proud thirty year old x
I listen to the song Pretty Shining People by George Ezra. I’ve heard the song before, but today a piece of the text struck me:
He said, “Why, what a terrible time to be alive
If you’re prone to overthinking and
Why, what a terrible time to be alive
If you’re prone to second guessing “and
Deep … I think to myself. But somewhere he is right. As I interpret the text, it has to do with how the current society works and between the lines it also deals with the increase of depression and burn-outs.
Step into their shoes
Performance is paramount in today’s society. You are expected to study, to get high grades and to get your studies within the timeline outlined. People who do ‘nothing’ with their lives are often seen as lazy people who don’t even bother to work for their money. When I hear these kinds of statements, I think to myself: guys, try to step into their shoes. Maybe there is a very good reason why a person doesn’t work. It doesn’t always mean that he or she is too lazy to work.
Performance society
We should stop thinking like a performance society. I am a student myself and I see that many young people are being submerged by competition. Some lecturers even emphasize that it’s important that you get high grades because otherwise it will be harder to get a job after your studies. Certain master’s studies only accept students who are on average 8/10 or higher. But who says that these students score high socially too?
Social skills
For working in a company you have to be socially skilled too. High marks for a course only show that you master that subject, but the rest? Last year I had a number of meetings with the study advisor. She told me that there are many students at the university suffering from depression. The performance society doesn’t help. There is so much pressure on young people. I received an obituary in my school mail with the message that a loved one died unexpectedly more than once.
More than just the society
Of course, depression in particular also has to do with predisposition. For example, if it often occurs in your family or if you are sensitive to criticism or have low self-esteem, you are more likely to get a depression. I also recently found out that I have a tendency to depression because I am more sensitive than the average person. That means that I always have to be on guard and that I have more risk of getting a depression again in the future.
Reduce depression
The big question remains: how do we reduce depressions among young people? First of all, it’s important to be able to talk openly about depression. There is still a taboo. Fortunately, the Dutch government has already started a campaign: Hey, it’s okay! (make depression negotiable). In addition, it is important that the performance society is tackled. So much pressure on young people is not okay. It must be emphasized that it’s not important that you get your studies within a certain time frame, but that everyone does it at their own pace. Because that’s okay.
Quote with this story: Don’t we all need love? The answer is easy – George Ezra (Pretty Shining People)
Love,
Ghyta
During summer time we are bombarded with sunny photos in far away places, photos of beautiful views and very pleasant moments. On social media you see how everyone fully enjoys the sunny weather and life, and you … are sitting in the office. Or you are working on your thesis. It seems that everyone can do what he or she wants while you are at work, school or other commitments.
Working in this heat is no fun, whether you are at home behind a fan or in a room with air conditioning. Or worse, in the kitchen or on the roof of a building. It is warm and extra tiring. After your obligations you are tired and you prefer to rest in your bed. But then, when do you have time to enjoy?
Nothing is what it seems
Try to remember that not everything on social media is what it seems. Yes, you might think ‘open door though’. Yet it is nice to hold this thought while you are scrolling through a timeline. The photos you see are perhaps ‘throwbacks’ or maybe they spend the previous days at school. Maybe they had a terrible day yesterday, so they wanted to get back in balance today. And, that is not what most people show!
Keep track of the fun moments you have
In addition, you may forget the nice moments that you have experienced relatively quickly when it seems that others experience the time of their lives ‘every day’. You may feel as if you are doing something wrong: how can he travel for a whole year? Why can she go to the beach every day? No matter how you turn it, everyone has to go to work at some moment (except special cases, of course). And there is nothing wrong with that: saving for that beautiful trip may only make it more beautiful! And that one day off that you spend on the beach is super nice. These are the things for you to hold dearly.
Memories are forever
But how do you hold them then? Memories of beautiful days, trips or moments will almost always be in your memories forever. Yet they are not always ‘top of mind’, so it can work well to discover for yourself how you can experience that happy feeling again. This can be nice when you are a bit overwhelmed by all the great photos and videos on social media. For example, you can make your own photo collection of your beautiful memories: physically, on your own Instagram or in a folder on your computer. Scroll through it!
Notes, quotes and short stories
Besides footage, it is also fun (and nice) to make short notes, quotes or stories of your good memories. For example, did you have to laugh because of some comments from someone you hold dear? Write it down! Did you feel unexpectedly well because of something that happened or something you did? Write it down! Do you see a nice quote somewhere that gives you a good feeling? You guessed it: write it down! In addition, it is good to keep a diary, so you see what both positively and negatively influenced your mood. That way you can handle all those great photos and videos on social media much better!
What are you doing to not get overwhelmed by all that ‘beautiful lives’ on social media?
NiceDay: use your NiceDay diary to keep track of what you have experienced and take a look at it when you can use a reminder of some good memories. Use your Daily Planner to schedule fun moments for yourself, that way you make time for it and you can enjoy the summer too!
I opened my eyes and immediately knew: this will not be a good day. Morning gone, world in full swing and I had yet to start. I turned around, but the feeling of guilt sickened me enough to kick me out of bed. Pffff, there we go again.
Dawnting dawn
After breakfast I opened my laptop, my workplace, my office. With unwilling eyes I peered at the open document: Course Design Eastern Philosophy. But my mind did not wanted to travel east. The books, ready to be studied, stared at me arduous and heavy. With childlike reluctance, I went into my shell and did not want to come out anymore. Gravity suddenly seemed to pull ten times more heavily on all my cells. My body felt massive. In that same gravity I dropped my head and closed my laptop. Pffff, what a life.
I did not understand why I felt so bad. Last few days it felt so well. I quickly got out of bed, started to work and did my research with curiosity. And at the end of the day I looked back with satisfaction. But now? Pfff, not this day.
With boredom, I switched on my stereo, selected a random playlist and sound poured out. The room came to life a little bit. Through my ears a bit of that life penetrated my body and reached my mind. No intellectual work for me today, I thought aloud with feigned courage. I looked around my room and saw the half-painted window frame. A job that has been waiting for me for a while. The rhythm of the music set me in motion and I decided to start painting.
Movements
I put on, hesitantly, my working clothes, searched for some painting materials, covered the table, put newspapers on it and emptied the window frame to be painted. Pfff, my god what a work, I thought, but the rhythm of the music kept me moving. Mechanically and steady I continued, ’cause I knew that it could make my day a little better, that at least I had done something useful this day, that no one can accuse me of slugabed.
The rhythm of the music and the meditative strokes of the brush bring me into a mindless, almost meditative state. Back and forth, back and forth, nothing but my hand and the brush. My world is shrinking to the tip of the brush. Details of the wood require my full attention. The imperfections want to get well filled up with the shiny moist of the paint. One stroke after another, the music and nothing else.
Suddenly I notice that sounds come out of my mouth. I am singing. Gently, but still. I sing along with old familiar songs from the eighties. Memories awaken, thoughts wander and flow through body and mind. They go back and forth from then to there and from ‘oh yes that was cool’ to ‘ah, poor boy’. Without excitement, sadness or ecstasy, I enjoy musing without purpose, singing without shame, working without meaning.
Reality returning
The last stroke. Pfff. Ready! I let out my familiar sigh. The reality of the world is flowing in again and my body regains its weighted heaviness. The music has been silent for a while and the silence is felt again. Thoughtlessly and still in a bit of meditative state, I clean up the painting materials. I put the brush and the roller in water, cleanup the table and store the rest in the attic.
The clock shows that the day has almost gone. ‘Nothing done today’ sounds the critical voice in my head. But I quickly correct myself. I look at the painted window frame and say to myself: ‘you have painted. Look how beautiful it has become? You may not have been intellectually busy working, but it has been a useful job, well done! My healthy side answered with a smile. Rueful but satisfied I put on my clean clothes. I make a nice cup of tea in the kitchen. With a cookie. I’ve deserve that.
Welcome to this world. Mom and dad are happy that you’re there, grandpa and grandma can’t wait to see you and the cats are waiting for you in the cradle. You are fragile, dependent and have a lot to learn. Eating, crawling, walking, talking. Small steps that will soon open a door to a big world that awaits you. Baby steps, literally and figuratively. You deserve to be there.
To my 4-year-old me
Learn more things! You will go to school, you will make friends and everyone will still be the same. You are going to learn to share, to fight, but also learn how to make up. You choose what you want, you will form an opinion.
You are going to make mistakes and get in trouble (throwing hot tea over your legs gives your mother a heart attack and looking backwards while cycling is not the best idea). Enjoy the primary school years. But prepare for mean words of classmates. It’s preparation for high school. You deserve to be there.
To my 10-year-old me
Your parents will split up, but later you will see that it was a good choice. Enjoy living in a flat together with mum and paint your pink room at daddy’s blue. Just because it’s possible! You are going to high school soon. You will have a difficult time with bullies, but you will learn a lot from this. You start to doubt yourself and forget that you have people around you that you can talk to. You are not alone! You deserve to be there.
To my 16-year-old me
You’ve already experienced quite a bit, but there is more to come. Next year you will leave the house and you will face a difficult time. You can’t prepare for this, because who expects to be treated this way by her partner? I would like you to seek help immediately, but unfortunately you are going to hide everything and wait until you’re 19. You get the opportunity to rectify this choice again, but that will take a lot of time. You lose your way, but trust yourself! You deserve to be there.
To my 27-year-old me
Your burnout is on its way. But this will be good for you. Take your rest and learn to know yourself again. Do you remember, that choice you made when you were 19? You are going to rectify this in the coming period. You are going to make important choices that have a lot of influence on your life. You were an insecure woman, but you will become so much stronger in the next 2 years. You deserve to be there.
To my almost 30-year-old me
Almost the big 3-0, the dirty thirty! And see how well you are doing. You are at school where things are going well. You have a job. You are happy. You have dear, trustworthy friends. You are more confident than ever. Therapy has been completed 7 months ago and you’re doing well without professional help.
So briefly summarized, you are shaping your life as you always wanted it to be. You can be proud of that. Don’t lose sight of this. You can make mistakes, not everything needs to be perfect. As long as you do your best and are happy with what you do and who you are.
Cheers to the future! You deserve to be there and you are there too!
The song of this week is Beggers & Poets with Sweat pea. I have changed and that reflected in your clothing and music style. I fell in love with the 40s, 50s and 60s. The last 2 years 50 dresses have been added to my wardrobe and that can only become more. This makes me happy!
Love, Renée
It’s time. Time to choose me. I want to do a lot, but right now I just can’t. I try to be strong but at the end of the day that doesn’t work. It’s time. I will take half a year off. And to be very honest, this is very scary for me.
Working on autopilot
Do you know that feeling that the day passes by but you have no sense of time and you live in a kind of haze? I call it the autopilot. The autopilot is one of my survival mechanisms. Every day I do what I have to do without being aware of what I am actually doing. Probably this sounds a bit confusing. Suppose you are cycling, and your thoughts are somewhere else. You will cycle home the same route you always do, without noticing it. At home you realize that you came home unconsciously. That’s how I feel all the time. I do things without being aware of it, and yet this brings me to the end of the day. Sometimes there are times when I am fully aware of my actions, that feels so great.
Scary
And then all of a sudden it dawned on me that I can no longer live on autopilot. I have tried several things, like mindfulness. But I have a hate-love relationship with mindfulness. It doesn’t work for me. That’s why I will spend half a year on working on myself. Maybe even for a year, but I will see how it goes. I find it scary because I like to have control over what I’m doing.. As I wrote in my blog ‘Is this it?‘, I like to plan. I’ve always mapped out my life. If you’d told me this three years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. No way that I give up! But that was then. Because actually this is not giving up, this is fighting back. I am going fight against my demons without being able to flee into study or work.
Self love
I have been off for several weeks now. When the summer started, I didn’t know what to do. I was so tired of studying and working. I agreed with myself (and also with my therapist: P) to be nice for myself. So, I am going to give myself a dose of self-love. What that looks like? Not being too strict for myself and stop when my body tells me to. Now I don’t have any obligations for half a year, I can also pick up my other hobbies: playing the piano, singing, reading and writing!
Yes, it’s scary. Terribly scary. But everyday I’m a bit more convinced that I made the right choice.
Quote with this story: Self love will save your soul – R.H. Sin (from The Minds Journal)
Love,
Ghyta
When are you happy? If you are in a relationship, or when you have a lot of money available? Or are you happy if you have everything you need?
Pitfall
The biggest pitfall for happiness, in my opinion, is social media. On social media everything seems to be fun, perfect and problem free. Or, on the other hand, you will read about the ultimate opposite: the terribly negative stories on how bad and unfair life is. As if there is nothing in between and you have to choose a side. And guess which side you will choose if you are not feeling good about yourself? Exactly, the negative one. Don’t let all the perfection on the world wide web influence you. You never know what is going on behind that beautiful picture or sweet Facebook post.
Friends
Maybe you talk about personal stuff with your dearest friends, but many people around you will not hang their dirty laundry outside. Nobody is perfect. You don’t know what happens behind the door. There are quarrels, there are tears, there can be money problems or infertility.
Sometimes it seems like everybody else is doing well, but try to forget about that. The point is to be happy, not perfect. Live your life the way you want it, including your ups and downs!
Do not fool yourself
When I was younger I wanted a perfect life. Find love, be successful and own a house. But during my burnout, I realized that I wanted my life to seem perfect but not necessarily to be perfect. Everyone thought I was happy, but I wasn’t. It was time to find out what actually made me happy.
Choose your own happiness
I had to be happy with myself and work on that. And I did! After 8 months of therapy I was finally content with myself. I was clearly on the right track, experiencing happiness.
Also in my current relationship I get to feel happiness. For the first time, I can honestly say that I am happy, despite the ups and downs. Yes, I still see all the perfect pictures pass by on social media. But I do it too! As long as you keep in mind that it’s just the positive things that you see online.
What makes me extra happy?
- A firm hug after a hard day at school or work from my love
- Motorcycling, for transport or just for fun
- A good book
- A cup of coffee in bed on a Sunday morning
- Coming home after a wonderful ride on the road bike
- Crossing on my bike
And there are many more things that give me a boost. Happiness does not depend on that one setback or windfall. Life is not always good. If you accept that, life will be so much more fun!
The song of this week is Just the way you are from Bruno Mars. The number speaks for itself. You are perfect the way you are. Don’t change, only if you want to!
Love, Renée x
I am searching. Searching for you. I realize everyday that I need you to heal myself. You came up in my dreams already. First I saw you as a baby: I held you and you were so sweet. Then I saw you as a child, but your face did not show. Your body turned to me. Didn’t you want to be there? I don’t blame you. The world can be so unfair and harsh sometimes. You’re growing, and the older you become, the more you can express yourself. I feel that sometimes you want to scream and cry very loudly, but I will not allow it. I keep you trapped in my heart. And I’m so sorry. I really want to let you go, but it hurts so much. You deserve to be free and walk painless through life.
Feeling the old times
Every day I feel that you impose yourself on me. You cry for help, but I don’t listen. Yet you become stronger and sometimes I do have to listen to you. At those moments I feel the old times. The old times where I carry you as a child and ignore you as an adult. You are brave because you dare to feel the pain and express it. I, the so-called adult, feel smaller than you are at those moments. I am terrified, to be honest. Afraid of you and to start the confrontation. Yet, I think about you every day. The last days I convinced myself to let you in. I feel that I am almost ready. It will not be long before I allow you and accept you as you are now. I want you to grow, without having a difficult time. You deserve to go through life as a happy child, with me as an adult by your side. I will take care of you and embrace you if you need it. I will listen to you. Because it’s what you deserve.
My inner child
Sweet little child in me
You may bloom soon
The tears will flow
And I will be there for you
Sweet little child in me
You can talk later
About anything you want
And I will listen to you
Sweet little child in me
You may rave in the future
Let everything go
And I’m waiting for you
Sweet little child in me
I can’t wait
Until we can be one together
Sometimes I regret growing into adulthood, I miss the warm and feelings of safety on my way to adulthood – @versjesvanlethe
Love, Ghyta
Last Saturday, the 23rd of June, Last Man Standing took place. 6 hours on pole number 16 at the Markermeer lake. A super hard challenge. And a real rollercoaster ride of physical discomfort and mental breakdowns and revivals.
MIND Young Academy
I participated to raise money for the MIND Young Academy. A project that educates schoolchildren about mental health. A project that stimulates openness, sharing and talking. And that is so very important! When I was young, there was little to no information, no openness and a lot of taboo. It was a black hole. My life was black and alone. There was help to be found, but only if you searched for it. Thankfully, I did. With ups-and-downs. But there are a lot of people my age, that start only now, because now there is more information, the subject is discussed more and more, and there is a little less taboo on certain subjects. When we can give our youth this growing sense of awareness, so they can talk sooner, so they can see that it is something you can struggle with but also can get help for, we give them a head start in life. A head start for healing and/or finding balance and acceptation. So they have a bigger chance on quality of life.
Pole-standing
I did not participate alone! 150 other very brave human beings stood there. People who participated because they themselves have (had) problems and challenges with their mental health, or because they have a connection with someone who faces/faced these problems and challenges every day. And that says something about strength and perseverance. About personal leadership. Because, standing still for 6 hours, on a little pole that is smaller than the size of your feet, does not only require physical perseverance, but, much more so, mental perseverance.
It is a rollercoaster. As your body and mind try to end this weird situation, you try to reach your goal. You are doing this for a reason, you remind yourself. What is 6 hours, if you’ve been trying to keep your balance all your life already? Right. This is peanuts in comparison to what I have already lived through and survived. I want to keep my balance. On this small pole and in life. And I will succeed!
‘I can’t do it, I want to get off, I want to sit down, you will fall, what does it matter when you stop?, just stop’, my head tells me and tears came. Nearly did I give in. For a moment I could not go on, my eyes scanned for support and strength. Where could I find support and strength? I looked at all my fellow pole standers. They are doing this too. Look how powerful we all are. I saw people on the shore cheering us on. My mouth asked for support. I called my mother to tell her how hard it was right now. I told the volunteers of MIND, who were by our side in the water, that I was having a hard time. I got cheered on. It cost me 45 minutes to recover from this major breakdown. To silence the voices in my head who wanted to give up. To feel lighter on the pole again and to get through the last hour. With everybody. Together. And we made it! What an accomplishment.
Strength and perseverance
Strength and perseverance. That is what people who climbed on a pole Saturday displayed and have. And that is also because of who we are and our lived experience. Having mental health problems requires a lot of personal leadership. You, and only you, can take charge of yourself and your life,
with or without a handicap. And how fitting is this metaphor of standing on a pole! Trying to keep your balance through the elements, on a tiny pole. It’s a big challenge. And it makes us who we are. So much more than a label. So valuable through lived experience. These people are leaders. These people are an example. You are heroes.
We raised 51.000 euro and this amount can only grow bigger. You can still donate through doemeemetmind.nl. I want to thank everybody for their support, donations, sharing of stories, enthusiasm and perseverance.
See you next year! X Bouwke
Monday: a lot to do. The household, washing the motorbike, I’m pacing back and forth: I do not find peace. I try to stop worrying by being busy all the time. Sometimes I succeed, but every now and then I notice that I feel tired and want to take a moment. Then I start to worry again and get back to work. Keep on being busy, shoots through my mind.
My partner’s phone rings, he has to go to work. Bummer! Now there is nobody to talk to. Now I have to clean the house to relax.
By the time S. gets back home, I feel broken. Tired of being busy, tired of trying to stop worrying. We eat something and watch a movie. The tension in my body keeps rising and I decide to go to bed before the end of the movie.
Peace? Of course not!
I can’t fall asleep, I can’t get in the right position. After staring at the ceiling for an hour, I finally fall asleep. Nightmares, of course! Why can’t I just rest after such a day? It is the middle of the night and I am still awake!
The alarm clock rings and my stress level rises again. Today is the day! The exciting Tuesday has arrived. I already received a message from a classmate: And, stressed? You can guess my answer: Yes! Today is the day that I have to take my practical exam at school. Just give me a theory exam, I can read it and make it at ease without anyone looking at me. Now I have to solder, make glasses (sharpen the glasses to size, make sure everything is right and the prescription in the glasses are correct). Plus, I also have an oral exam.
The exam
Fortunately, I see my teacher when I get inside. I choose an envelope and get my assignments from today. I start with soldering, and it goes very well! Then I choose an envelope for my oral exam. We start talking about the past weekend and then she says: “So, we lightened the mood! We can start!” My oral exam goes very well. I present everything in time and she tells me that I get my grade an hour later. After an hour of clammy hands I get the result: a 9.5! I continue to my second year without a single resit!
Relieved…
… But also a little angry with myself when I go home again. Why do I worry so much? Fear of failure remains a big issue for me. It feels like a weakness. Weak that I can’t handle tension well. It is therefore not a healthy tension, but it causes heavy shaking and nausea. The struggle is really terrible.
My partner sometimes gets tired of me and I can understand that. He often remains super sweet and supports me. Again: “You have practiced well and you can do this! Breathe, relax and concentrate!” But I keep on being nervous. Sometimes he gets annoyed and stops sending me messages. Today he continued to say that I am well prepared and have to calm down. Up to 3 times!
Not the only one
I know that with me a lot of people suffer from the fear of failure. If someone knows how to deal with it, I’d love to hear it. Because after all the therapy I still have a lot of trouble to manage this. I dare to do more now, that helps a bit. But I don’t know whether I will ever get this feeling under control.
The song of this week is Hungry eyes by Eric Carmen. This song comes from my favorite movie Dirty Dancing. Which I am going to see again very soon, because now I have rest again to watch a movie! Now I don’t have to go to school for a few weeks and then start the second year fresh!
Love, Renée x
