It means a lot just saying this. Introducing myself to you. Because I am able to really be me now. I can say it with more love and presence for the whole person I am.
Life has been a rough journey for me, and it still is at times. I have high functioning Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and High Sensitive Personality (HSP). That�s a whole mouth full, but what it comes down to is, that my feelings, thoughts and emotions are very intense and in crisis, very black and white. I have high levels of stress, fear of abandonment, fear of failing, not being good enough and of being a burden. I can go from feeling ok, to feeling terrified, to feeling depressed, to feeling high in one day.
There are a lot of stimuli and stressors all day long. From inside myself, but also from other people and the world. It�s like I am porous, and others and anything can just flow in.
High functioning means that I can still function. I finished 3 university degrees (overcompensation ;-)) and my management career moved upward fast. I have friends and I am active. High functioning also means that you can pretend for a very long time. I can find creative ways and solutions to pretend or to still manage. And I did. But, up till three years ago, I was killing myself.
As you can imagine always fighting yourself, borderline and life, and always pretending you are ok and still doing everything your life demands from you is exhausting. I had experienced 2 burnouts already in my short 5-year career. I had to do something big. I felt I could sleep for three years. I was tired and done. I decided to go for it. Therapy; No excuses. No fleeing. I was afraid to lose my job and everything I worked my ass off for. But it had to happen.18 months; 2 group mornings and two other counseling sessions every week.
My fear became reality, I could not hold my job and had to report ill. Six months before the end of therapy, I experienced the worst depression I ever had. Exhausted and not wanting to go on anymore. I got medicine and when depression was clearing a little I decided to reward myself upon finishing therapy. That reward was travel.
I finished! I bought myself a one-way ticket to South America, and arrived in Sao Paulo on January the 27th, 2016. My journey began.
I fell into all the travel traps and old behaviors head first. After 6 weeks I was overstimulated, stressed, emotional and exhausted. I rented a room and stayed indoors in the dark for 7 days, with only Netflix. What an eye-opener! The first big one. I had to take into account the whole me. I had to take care of her and make good caring decisions. Many eye-openers, beautiful landscapes and experiences followed. Travel was the best follow up on therapy for me. I created space to process my emotions and experiences. It was the quickest and best way to learn about myself, others, and my place in this world. I literally paused my rollercoaster life and hit the reset button.
What did I learn about myself?�I need space and time. Flexibility and slowing down. I am allowed to say no and I can give up on things and people if they are not for me. People and things come and go. I am creative and love nature. I want to trade money for peace of mind. Earning less is a compromise for living more calmly, with more headspace. This leads to the blossoming of me as a whole person. Stress is a part of me and I should be aware of that. The littlest things or thoughts can set me off and, if not taken care of, can add up to depression and crisis. I have to keep my balance. That does not mean I can�t do things that put me off balance, it only means that I have to calculate in rest. To accept rest.
And why do I want to tell this story?�One: to show that you can do anything you want. Even when you have a chronic (mental) illness. Even when others tell you that you can�t, for all kinds of reasons. You are the captain of your ship. Sail the ocean of life.�Two: I want you to know that you do not have to travel far, or travel at all. Travel is a metaphor. Life is travel. And so you need to constantly check your heading and location. Am I still going where I want to go? Am I still happy where I am? Ground yourself and listen. Reflect. And adjust accordingly. Treat life in this way and you will have your journey. Your life journey.�And finally, you are beautiful. You are part of this world, part of the universe. We all are. That is a gift. That is hope. Do not try to understand everything. See, feel, listen and touch. Find your balance and your place. You have one. You are already here.
I am so happy to work with and write for Goalie (now NiceDay) and share my journey and lessons learned with you. I hope they help, inspire or touch you in some way.�You can expect articles about personal growth and -leadership from me. But also articles about my daily life and feelings and background information about mental illnesses and mental health.
If you recognize yourself in things I describe or you have questions, feel free to contact me. You can also find me on the I am one Movement. With this Instagram blog I hope to create more openness about mental health. I share my personal thoughts and feelings on there. If you�d like to see more of my travels; you can on backpackingbouwke.
