Fighting the silence around me and the noise in my head
Fighting the silence around me and the noise in my head

I sit at my desk and listen to the silence around me. It is so quiet that I hear my own thoughts in my head. It is suffocating. Now that I am at home because of the coronavirus, thoughts and memories seem to surface. I say to myself: “I thought I got rid of it”. But I also think of what my therapist once said to me: “if there is anything left, it will come up eventually”.

What I feel?

I feel grief and fear. The sadness makes my body feel heavy. I find it more difficult to get up. I can’t fight it. Actually, I don’t even want to fight. It’s allowed to just be there. This, I wouldn’t have said a few months ago. Sometimes the grief lingers in my throat. These are the most painful moments. Usually I try to focus on the feeling and I allow it to be there. Sometimes tears flow and sometimes it slowly ebbs away. The fear makes my breathing go up and makes my head dizzy. Sometimes I get sick and I can’t eat. But the fear and sadness together make me feel insecure about everything I do and feel.

What comes will also go away

This time of “quarantine” makes people with mental illness very vulnerable. It is important to maintain social contacts and do fun things. Unfortunately, going out to meet a friend in a cafe is not possible. It takes creativity to deal with the demons in your head. I try to maintain a routine for myself. As soon as I get up, I immediately take a shower, because if I walk around in my pajamas all day, I won’t feel any better. I also try to study, but I don’t force anything. If it doesn’t work, that’s okay. I notice that my creativity level is higher than normal. I write more and sing daily. Fortunately, therapy also continues via video calling. By taking good care of myself and listening to my body during this period, I will get through this period.

Social activities and corona

The news is also not helping. Everyday I wake up with notifications on my screen: corona this, corona that. What I hate the most is that we are probably in this physical social isolation until June the 1ste. I find it painful to sit 1.5 meters away from your friend and not be able to hug each other. Until April 6 I could manage, but June 1….

I feel better when I have my friends around me. Now I only see and speak them via Skype or Whatsapp. These are difficult times for everyone. I think there is insufficient attention to people with psychological complaints. We are also vulnerable, even if it is not visible from the outside. And then there are the psychiatrists, psychologists and psychotherapists who still give us (online) therapy. What would we do without them?

So I would say: “An applause for the people of mental health care!”

And a tip: read the blogs on NiceDay that can help you get through the day. Hold on and take good care of yourself!

Love, Ghyta

Tags: emotions
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Ghyta

Studying with depression and PTSD is top sport. By writing I hope to help other young people who go through similar problems. My motto: break the taboo!

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