High school, a ‘good’ place for insecure people. So too for me. I was not the cutest, thinnest or smartest. And what do they do with someone like that? They are going to bully you. My time at school was not nice, but I tried to just get through. My mother regularly said that I had a good set of brains, so I held onto that as tight as I could.

Graduated: let’s celebrate!

My family was (and is) very close and we always share important events together. So, the same with my diploma ceremony. Graduated: At last no more bullying! That had to be celebrated. I invited my friends and family for a barbecue. The day came and I had so much fun. Finally, we could drink some Breezers too, what a world opened for us.

Unfortunately, the evening took an unexpected turn. I won’t say that this moment was the direct cause of my eating problem, but it definitely did not help to prevent it. I was sitting next to the barbecue to enjoy a second burger when I heard my grandmother say to my mother, “Well, there goes another one!”. This statement hurt me so much and the shock on my grandmothers face was evident when she noticed that I overheard her. To date, I’m not sure if she has fully realized the effect it had on me. To be honest, I don’t hope so. At that moment I had already stopped to weigh myself.  I was about 74 kg the last time I weighed and I didn’t dare to step on the scale anymore.

Eating once per day

When I heard how my grandmother thought about me, I think I weighed about 78 or 79 kg and I’m only 1m60. So yes, I was definitely too heavy. But it really hurt me, hearing my grandmother say something like this. So, I immediately stopped eating unhealthy things, but also breakfast and lunch. My only meal was in the evening, because always ate with my mother. And of course she could not know that I no longer ate…

Within half a year I lost 20 kg, what a feeling! People told me I looked good and I also felt a lot better. Unfortunately, this lasted only for a short period of time, because losing that much weight is not good for your body. Within the shortest time, I gained the pounds again.

When I was in therapy, I began to pay close attention to myself. I wanted to be slim, thin and pretty. I was shocked when I stepped on the scale after Christmas: 66 kg! That had to change! So I started with shakes on January 1, 2017. Breakfast and lunch were replaced, in the evening only healthy meals and lots of sports. Within 3 months I lost more than 10 kg, what a relief!

Contact with my NiceDay Coach

Through NiceDay I found out that this approach was not the best one. My NiceDay Coach was very worried with me weighing only 50 kg. He kindly requested me to indicate this to my therapist at PsyQ, because it could not really continue this way. That’s when I was told that I had anorexia. On the one hand it hit me like a wave, but on the other hand it was also no surprise. I knew that it was not going well, but it felt so good to be so light.

At this moment I sat at home with a burn-out, in an unhealthy relationship and at the stage that I really did not know how to ‘control’ my life. Having power over what and when I ate felt good and I was in full control. My partner at the time found the diagnosis of anorexia an exaggeration and said I just had to eat.

The day I left him and entered my current partners house was a world of difference. He took the diagnosis seriously and gave me all the space to work on and through it. If I did not want to eat, it was okay. But, if I just wanted to have a normal dinner, he did not say anything about either. However, I could see in his eyes that he was proud.

Step-by-step

I tried to find help through the Leontienhuis in Zevenhuizen, unfortunately I did not feel at home there. However, they did make me realize that something really should change. So far, I’m doing pretty well. I gained 4.5 kg! On the one hand, I am proud that I have achieved this with only some help from loved ones. But still I find it scary. My eating problem is part of me and made me feel interesting too. Letting go of this part of myself still gives me an insecure feeling.

What matters to me is that my partner often says that he loves me and that my mother says she’s so terribly proud of me! This makes it so much easier for me to have peace with all of it. This will always be a part of me, but fortunately I allow myself to grab that glass of wine and that bag of chips from time to time. Little moments to enjoy, without regret!

Food itself is still difficult, but fortunately I have people around me with whom I can talk. They let me know that it is really necessary. And not eating and sporting do not work together either. Those 5 kg more or less… what others think of you does not matter, it’s about what you think!

The song I want to add this time is from the movie To the bone: Jack Garratt – Wate

 

Love, Renée

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Renée

Expert in PTSD, burnout, personality disorders and eating disorder. Even if I only help one person by sharing my story, I am happy!

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