It is evening. Tears flow down my cheeks. I have been stressed all week and felt like a mental breakdown was on its way. Yet the tears that flowed are not the result of the study pressure and the corona crisis. I have been very vulnerable lately and it was not without a struggle.

Rather not

Vulnerability is a very difficult concept for me. I can easily be vulnerable on paper, but when it comes to real life I find it very difficult. It only works with the right people and those people I can count on one hand. Due to various events in my life I have a wall around me that is difficult to break down. The wall is a harness that protects me from disappointments and people who want to hurt me. That is why I look strong on the outside, but on the inside I am terrified that someone hurts me. A life without pain does not exist. When someone says something hurtful I will not immediately cry in front of a person. The wall protects me. But behind that wall I feel pain and tears start to flow.

“Learning by doing”

Recently I have jumped into the deep and I have become more vulnerable. I tried to do this piece by piece. What especially helped me was a trusting. As a result, I dared to open myself more and lowered the wall. I found out that I often feel irrational  fear that someone will hurt me. There are also good people and I had to experience that. Because of trusting, I dared to show my emotions to someone other than my mother or psychologist for the first time in a long time. It was scary, but at the same time a nice experience because the reaction was good. It felt like a relief. Yet that little voice of the wall continued to speak; “Beware Ghyta, you will be hurt soon.”

Protection mechanism

Sometimes the inevitable happens and something triggers your protection mechanism. Some people will defend themself. Others let it go and stop putting energy in it. I tend to distance myself in these situations and cut off all contact for my own safety. In this case, safety stands for “not wanting to get hurt.” Sometimes that is very difficult because the person in question is very valuable to me and I don’t really want to lose him or her.

Distance is not always the solution, but sometimes it is the solution if the situation saddens you more than it brings you joy. The question is: do you let go or do you still try to form that bond through better communication and sharing your fears?

You tell me.

Love, Ghyta