There’s no such thing as only sunny days in the Netherlands. Today was a drizzly one. I noticed the grey skies had an effect on my mood. I’m exhausted and the feeling of gloominess, which I haven’t felt this intense in such a long time, seems to have arrived together with the grey clouds. I’m staring out of the window. It’s raining. The plants will probably welcome Mother Earth’s tears with open arms. I guess they’re the only ones. The gloomy feeling crawls through my chest and is sending a signal to my brains that it is time to analyse and asses all the different emotions in my body.
I miss you. And at the same time I don’t allow myself to miss you any longer. Taking a step back was a good idea, wasn’t it? It’s the small things that trigger me. A dream, a song or a memory which reminds me of you. I could call you, but hearing your voice just isn’t enough. I want to feel assured, connected and safe. I want to spend hours talking to you about what’s on our minds, philosophizing about life and dreaming of the future. These are desires that wander through my mind. It’s easy to write them down, but it’s impossible for me to be honest with you. Something has changed, but I am missing you the same as before.
I’ve got a lump in my throat and a heavy heart. If someone would ask me why I’m feeling sad, I wouldn’t even know what to tell them. Is it a piece of my trauma? Does it have to do with the absence? Or is it because of the dreary weather? Maybe it’s a combination of all three. The sadness isn’t too strong, but it’s strong enough to affect my overall mood.
Besides missing you and feeling sadness, I also feel content. I am content with where I am in my life right now. I have a group of amazing, loving and kind friends who are always there for me. I started seeing my mother for the amazing power woman that she is, and I’m so happy I have inherited this from her. Looking back on all the things I have overcome the past one and a half year, I can be incredibly proud of myself. I have survived intense EMDR sessions, have had over a hundred emotional breakdowns and have been on the verge of giving up. But I didn’t give up, and I’m happy to say that there actually will be an end to all hard times.
After the rain comes the sun.