There�s no such thing as only sunny days in the Netherlands. Today was a drizzly one. I noticed the grey skies had an effect on my mood. I�m exhausted and the feeling of gloominess, which I haven�t felt this intense in such a long time, seems to have arrived together with the grey clouds. I�m staring out of the window. It�s raining. The plants will probably welcome Mother Earth�s tears with open arms. I guess they�re the only ones. The gloomy feeling crawls through my chest and is sending a signal to my brains that it is time to analyse and asses all the different emotions in my body.
Absence�
I miss you. And at the same time I don�t allow myself to miss you any longer. Taking a step back was a good idea, wasn�t it? It�s the small things that trigger me. A dream, a song or a memory which reminds me of you. I could call you, but hearing your voice just isn�t enough. I want to feel assured, connected and safe. I want to spend hours talking to you about what�s on our minds, philosophizing about life and dreaming of the future. These are desires that wander through my mind. It�s easy to write them down, but it�s impossible for me to be honest with you. Something has changed, but I am missing you the same as before.
Sadness
I�ve got a lump in my throat and a heavy heart. If someone would ask me why I�m feeling sad, I wouldn�t even know what to tell them. Is it a piece of my trauma? Does it have to do with the absence? Or is it because of the dreary weather? Maybe it�s a combination of all three. The sadness isn�t too strong, but it�s strong enough to affect my overall mood.��
Contentment
Besides missing you and feeling sadness, I also feel content. I am content with where I am in my life right now. I have a group of amazing, loving and kind friends� who are always there for me. I started seeing my mother for the amazing power woman that she is, and I�m so happy I have inherited this from her. Looking back on all the things I have overcome the past one and a half year, I can be incredibly proud of myself. I have survived intense EMDR sessions, have had over a hundred emotional breakdowns and have been on the verge of giving up. But I didn�t give up, and I�m happy to say that there actually will be an end to all hard times.
After the rain comes the sun.
Love,
Ghyta