Did you have another intense fight with your partner? Do you notice that time after time your emotions are flying in all different directions during your fights? If this is something you recognize and that you’d like to change, try taking a break during your fights.

Rising tensions

During fights, one partner often feels more tension than the other. Anger and adrenaline run high, which can lead to intense feelings at first. If these feelings continue to increase, you may experience what is called an ‘overload’. Emotional impulses will dominate the situation, think of raising your voice, swearing, threatening, (tendency to) physical violence, and a feeling of powerlessness. As a response, you may feel the urge to escape from the situation and to be left alone, in order for these intense feelings to stop. Some people tend to do this more often, while others can feel extra on edge during these situations and want to use this feeling by not letting the other person walk away. 

Preventing the fight from getting out of hand

When fights get out of hand, they weaken the relationship a little bit each time. So, if this happens to you often it’s definitely time for action! Go through these steps together with your partner:

1. Find the starting point 

Fights can easily go from bad to worse. One partner’s anger only reinforces the anger of the other and so the fight continues to go downhill. It is therefore very important when the so-called ‘overload’ comes into play, to stop it as quickly as possible. Like true detectives, try to spot the moment when a conversation turns into an argument together. With whom do you notice a change, what do you see, what is happening, and at what point do you think it should stop? Sometimes you’re able to notice this by yourself and sometimes it is your partner who might realize this first.

2. Take a time-out

Make the agreement that when you’ve noticed the starting point, the first one who notices yells out a code word you’ll both recognize, such as ‘time out’. The other person will then be allowed to have the last word for another 20 seconds. Afterward, you immediately distance yourself from each other and that means 20 minutes each in a different room so that you no longer hear or see each other. After those 20 minutes, the intense feelings will have subsided and you will be able to respond neutrally to one another again. If it’s really important, you can establish an agreement to come back to the topic at a later point in time.

Unfortunately, fights can easily reoccur. When that happens, reapply the time-out and respond neutrally to each other again. That means no negative talk or provoking the other.

3. Make it up! 

Make an effort to reconnect with your partner after the time-out. For example, try to change the subject of the conversation, do an activity together such as a walk around the block, make your partner laugh or show affection by putting an arm around the other. It may be that your partner is not ready to connect yet. If that happens, give each other time to process what just happened. It is a misconception that a fight can only be reconciled by apologies or by resolving the point of conflict. For now, the most important thing is to stop arguing, because intense fights do a lot of damage to your relationship.

Fighting is a problem you share with one another. Make your partner your ally with whom you will fight united against this problem. It will certainly take some practice, but the reward is greater than ever.

When you encounter difficult situations or problems in your life, you often want to fix the problem. You look at the things that aren’t going well and what you can do to change that. You call this your problem solving ability. This is often quite effective in solving most problems, but what if a problem seems unsolvable? Are there any other perspectives, besides having to solve the problem? What if there is a solution that has nothing to do with the problem? Look at solutions instead of problems; this can be more successful than you think!

Solution-oriented approach to problems

When you look at solutions instead of problems, you focus on the things that go right instead of the things that aren’t. You focus less on analyzing the problem and the things you don’t want. Instead, you look at the things that make you happy, your strengths and the things that you do want. One might imagine that this will also bring along a lot of positive feelings. This approach is used during solution-oriented therapy, a treatment within positive psychology. You learn not to focus on the problem, but on the possibilities and the solution. You focus on doing things that already go well, whilst you use your strengths and resources to solve the problem.

How can you do this?

Naturally, you don’t have to follow solution-oriented therapy to apply this to your daily life. Take a look at the tips below to get started yourself!

• Do more of what works for you instead of what doesn’t.
• Look at what you do want instead of what you don’t want. So don’t say: “I don’t want to have mood swings anymore”, but say: “I would like to have a more stable mood”. This gives you a positive goal, after which you can ask yourself: “What is the first step I’m going to take to achieve this?”.
• Think about the things that do go well. You can track this in a positivity diary, for example. This learns you to look at the things that go well, that you might want to do more often.This helps you to become aware of your strenght.
• Think about the three of your personal aspects that have brought you where you are right now.
• Ask yourself these questions:
  • What is already going well? What else? How did I manage to do this?
  • What do you want to do more of?
  • In what area would you like to see the biggest improvement?
  • What are you hoping for? What difference would that make?
  • Who or what would help you to reach your goal?
  • What is the first step you will take to realize the solution? And what is the second step? On a scale of 0 to 10, how close am I towards the solution?
  • Imagine your problem is miraculously solved this evening. What will be the first thing that will make you notice, tomorrow morning? What will you feel, think or do? Try to think about this!

Practice

With these tips you can make the first steps towards a solution-oriented approach of your problem. Try to regularly practice; e.g. set a reminder in the NiceDay app that reminds you to do this.

“Think about the solutions, not about the problems“