Rafiki is my new hero. He is the wise baboon from the Lion King. He teaches Simba to believe in himself again and shows him who he is and where he comes from. I recently saw the Lion King remake. What did I cry with the first part. Normally I never have that with movies. I think it’s because I recognized myself in Simba. He has experienced something traumatic as a child that continues to haunt him on his way to adulthood. He no longer believes in himself and blames himself for everything that has happened. Somewhere at the end of the film Rafiki finds him in the jungle and asks him: The question is, who are you? Well, damn Disney what a wisdom you bring us in an originally children’s film.
That specific quote from Rafiki haunted me when I walked out of the cinema. It followed me all the way to my house. It then nestled in my head and I can’t stop thinking. Because: who am I? Who am I…? I think many people have asked themselves this question. Subconsciously maybe. What would you answer if someone asked you who you are? Would you answer it in terms of your work, parenting or just with your name? The question: “Who are you?”, can be filled in very broadly. I think there is no wrong answer either. If you see yourself as Jan of 35 years old and father of two children, that’s fine. I cannot answer the question who I am yet. Because I don’t know (yet). Who knows that one day I will wake up, look in the mirror and think: THIS is me!
Another quote from Rafiki that I find very beautiful and supportive is the following: “The past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it”. You always have two choices when it comes to painful memories of the past: you can pretend it has never been there and you will live your life with pain in your heart for the rest of your life. Or you confront and try to discover what the painful past has brought you. This will initially be painful, but it can also give you something positive. In the Lion King, Simba learns that it is not his fault that his father died. But before he realized this, he fled because it was too painful to face the event. Eventually he sees how it really went and he regains confidence in himself.
So be like Simba:
Face your past and learn from it!
Hakuna Matata
Love,
Ghyta
We have all heard it before when you think positively and act on that, more positivity will be in your life: who does well, meets well. But how does that work exactly? What is positive energy and how can you attract and use it to achieve your goals? In this blog more about how you can use the tool called energy to making positive changes.
What is energy?
There are many descriptions of the word “energy”. Physically it is described as the mechanical reaction between the law of conservation of impulse with the law of conservation of energy. The dictionary gives a more simple description: “The possibility to bring about a change.” Although the energy itself is not tangible, everyone knows what energy is. And as the dictionary indicates, it is a tool that you can use to implement positive changes.
Where is energy?
Energy is literally in everything; all solids, liquid and gas forms. Albert Einstein said: “Everything is energy and that is all there is. Match the frequency of reality because you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy, this is physics!” Because energy is ever where, it is also in your own thoughts, beliefs and feelings. That also means that you can use the energy of your own thoughts, beliefs and feelings for what you want. In addition, if you also see what you want (visualize), the universe reacts very strongly to it. This is also called the Law of Attraction. Attracting likeminded means that life responds to the energy you send out. “Life is not happening to you. Life is responding to you.”
How do you convert energy to what you want?
Attracting more positive energy to reach your goals starts with yourself. When you have positive thoughts, beliefs and feelings, this is automatically picked up by your environment. If you constantly think of the worst, if you do not believe that you can ever achieve something, if you do not believe that someone can be good, if you constantly complain, if you always see the negativity in situations, if you regularly put others down, if you are a negative person, you will develop negative energy and in the end you will only attract more negative situations in your life. The way you see things and start by eliminating negative thoughts and negative beliefs will help you change your energy so that you start to attract what you want. This means that you focus on positive situations, understand that things will work, are looking for solutions instead of complaining, have more understanding instead of getting angry, try to look at things from a different perspective, embrace change, seek out to opportunities instead of problems and no longer believe that the worst will happen. In the beginning this will not be easy, but because you constantly change the way you think and see things, you will naturally attract more positive situations in your life.
Is it really that simple?
Yes, the power of energy is strong and when you use it correctly it can make an absolute contribution to your goals. What’s not easy is to always stay positive. To always see the-glass-half-full. To hold on the belief that you can even when things don’t work out. That is simply hard work in the beginning, but there is a turning point. Then positive thinking goes automatically and you do not get irritated by a situation, but you see the extra possibilities it gives. Then you do not feel like standing with your back against the wall, but you see the space that still is there. The more often you think positively, the more clearly you visualise your goals, the more positive the path towards them.
Full steam ahead!
I have been using the power of positive energy for years. It has not only helped me to set up two successful companies, to find my big love, but also to have more fun in the everyday things of life. And sometimes it happens to me that a lot goes on and a negative thought happens or for I feel irritated. Sometimes complaining feels like a wonderful way of relief. In the beginning I found it difficult to approach everything positively. These are my personal three tips that have helped me to discover and retain my positive mindset:
- Take distance, let go
Sometimes there is so much around you or going on in your head that it is difficult to get an overview. That stress gives a negative flow. To get out of it, it can help to let things go and do something else: walk, listen to music, play sports or go to the cinema spontaneously. - Keep repeating
When it feel like everything is against you, not working out and you’re wonder why, focus on the ultimate goal and why you want to achieve it. Forget about the rest, forget about the setbacks, they do not matter. You visualize your goal and visualize you will achieve it. - Have fun
Nothing is easy to hold on to when there is no fun involved. Enjoy visualizing your goals, throw in some humor, blow up some balloons, laugh at yourself: just have fun with it.
Yoga For (More) Motivation
Every Wednesday I share a yoga video with a special theme. This week exercises that will boost your motivation: https://youtu.be/jN0-H7dKUPI
As I write this, I look at a beautiful tree with dark green leaves. I look back on the past four years and see myself as the tree; a tree of personal growth.
A young tree
When I started studying on the other side of the Netherlands, I was still a small tree. Just planted, with thin twigs and small leaves. I really liked that I could finally leave high school! I came in as a freshman and didn’t know anyone. Luckily I wasn’t the only one who came alone, so making new friends was easy. Every week the young tree grew a bit. Sometimes barely visible, but a lot of good things happened inside. Months passed and the tree continued to grow, it became visible on the outside too. The leaves multiplied and got larger. The trunk grew thicker and could handle more.
Personal growth with tears
Still, the tree trunk had a few cracks. These cracks consisted mainly of insecurity and the fear of failure. I wanted to perform, but couldn’t always deliver. The cracks of the tree were camouflaged with decorations and paintings so that no one could see them. I disguised my faults by keeping up appearances. Eventually, more cracks appeared in the tree trunk. This time it was due to a storm that had not shown itself so violently for years. In addition to the cracks in the tree trunk, the leaves also got affected. They were blown away and the tree got a gray color.
Gray
The tree got grayer and grayer, while the other trees didn’t suffer from the consequences of the storm. While the other trees continued to grow and the leaves got buds from which beautiful flowers bloomed, the small tree was left behind. I felt less than anything and everyone. This was due to bad experiences and negative thoughts. My concentration was gone, I didn’t sleep well and I didn’t want to study because it cost me too much energy. And there you are, with your heavy luggage on your back. The feeling that you want to crash into a ravine so that you don’t have to think about that luggage anymore. Meanwhile, the little tree looked worse and worse. The tree bark began to break down and there was no leaf left. But then something miraculous happened.
And she lived happily ever after?
A little girl with two braids came to the tree and embraced it. She whispered, “Don’t worry, tree, I’m going to help you recover.” She grabbed a stone from her coat pocket, made a hole in the tree trunk and put the stone in it. After two weeks she came back and you know what? The tree started to get some color again and there were leaves growing. Every week she sat by the tree and whispered positive things. After two years the tree looked better. The leaves grew, the trunk got thicker again and it had also grown in height. The little girl is not done yet. She will continue to help the tree until it no longer needs her.
The little girl inside me tries to help me every day. Some days accept her help, the other days I don’t feel like it and I push her away. Yet she insists. Because she also feels the pain. Together you are stronger than alone.
Quote with this story: Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop – RUMI
Love,
Ghyta
I want to be me. My whole self. I fought for it, and worked even harder. But, when you are finally at a place where you can be yourself on a regular basis, the opinions and images others have of you are still alive and kicking. Should you care? Yes and no.
If there is one process where you are dependent on the opinions of others, then it is definitely the job application process. I’m in the midst of it right now. My friends know that I am searching and want to help me. Recently, one of them tipped me about a great opportunity. For a company specialized in helping youngsters with problems, they were looking for a life coach. A perfect match for me! She knew the owner and said she would call him to put in a good word for me. Unfortunately that did not work out the way she thought and it ended up to be a tough confrontation with stigma and images others have of the world. She told him, in all of her enthusiasm and belief in me, that I have Borderline. Because she thought it to be an asset for this job, which is true, in my case. But the man on the other side of the line does not know me, and called me a risk. End of conversation, end of job opportunity. That obviously sucks. Where did this go south?
The image of Borderline
Well, it went south with an image of, and opinions about Borderline. This man works in mental healthcare. He is probably familiar with this diagnosis and knows certain characteristics of it. He also knows that some of those characteristics could prove to be a risk for him, as a business owner. But, he does not know me. My friend does. She knows that I am way more than that diagnosis and its presumed characteristics. That I turned something that is seen as a weakness into a strength by working hard and getting to know myself. That I am functioning very well and that I have a lot to offer. But, by mentioning Borderline, she created a link to an image of it, and with that all other things became void. It may be a limited image, a stigma, but it does, in the end, determine the outcome.
Programmed beings
We are very preprogrammed beings. When you think about the fact that we consciously process only 10 percent of what our senses observe, you can ask yourself what happens to the other 90 percent. The lot of what we observe gets processed by our brains, outside of our conscious mind. Those brains are masters in processing information at light speed, giving us the chance to consciously react to what we observe, or not. This is, amongst other things, done by categorizing all this information. That’s a very necessary process, because there is so much of it, and reactions are to be expected in hundreds of a second, we could not function otherwise. Our brains are our computer, there is a lot of processing going on in the background so you can play your game, write your book or do your work.
How we view the world
Unfortunately this helpful tool has it counter effects. Our brains organize the world only in categories they know; that means we see the world as we are. We are looking at the world with only the things we’ve learned, seen and experienced. As we get older, no new categories will be made, everything will be processed and matched to categories we know. It can result you being shoved into a limited category, a wrong category, or, even worse, no category matches you. Because, how does your brain react to something they do not know? That feels like a risk. Anyway, you will never, in the beginning, be seen as a complete person. You will be categorized on the basis of some of your characteristics or appearance. And that is something to keep in mind. Its strategic to take that into account.
How to be strategic?
Being strategic can have a negative taste, because you are consciously choosing what you show others, or not, choosing to play a certain part, not being totally you. I find this difficult at times, and sometimes also feel resistance, to be strategic. We all preach a lot that we should be able to be ourselves, and I am sorry that I cannot just express some things. That there is prejudice. But without boxes we are lost. The Borderline diagnosis is also a box, and, by no means, complete. There are at least 380 ways to experience Borderline, and these are certainly not covered by a list of 10 characteristics. But, I use the Borderline box too. In the beginning to help myself recover and now to support my mission to create more awareness for mental wellbeing. I know, for a fact, that I do sometimes cut corners there too.
Have a plan
Strategic thinking is having a plan, to take your environment and the situation into account. When you understand how we, as humans, ‘work’, how our world view comes about, it becomes easier to create opportunities in which you can be yourself. And as with a lot of things in this world; It’s about who is behind the controls and what motives they have.
This means you should not bluff your way through life or only think about what others expect. You are not yourself when you do. Your job is to know who you are, what your qualities are, what you need and what you can bring to the world. It’s important to know yourself. And, that you take responsibility. In searching for a job that means that you try to really honestly estimate if you can do the job, if you are qualified. Subsequently you can focus on the best way to ‘get into the door’, that’s having a plan.
This failed ‘job application’ was an important reminder that there is still a lot of stigma about mental health issues. And, again it reminded me of how we need to focus on more information, and not on fighting already existing images. More information broadens people’s views. Just like my friend saw me as way more than a diagnosis. Familiarity with, makes things less scary, feels less of a risk, and increases chance of different reactions.
Nowadays everything has to be nice. Your job should be nice, your friends should be nice, your clothes, your home and furnishings should be nice. Your boyfriend or girlfriend must also be very nice. Besides your work, your study has to be nice, why else would you do it? You have to have a nice day, a nice time, with nice people and in a nice environment, for example on a nice terrace or in a nice cafe. After all, you want to have a nice life. Or not?
Nice
The word ‘nice’ seems to be the only word we use to indicate what we feel and experience. We find something nice when we like it, or when it’s cozy or warm. We also use it when we find someone attractive, whether they are beautiful, charming or handsome – they are nice! Even if we really like something, we do not use words like amusing, amazing, funny, cool or entertaining, no we just like it: nice!
It’s pretty clear: it’s nice or it’s not nice. That’s how we understand each other. And we do what we like. If it’s not nice, you shouldn’t do it. This way we support each other. But should it always be nice? Is a place, person, activity or situation only acceptable if it is nice?
My experience
I catch myself on saying ‘nice’ very often. It has crept in unnoticed and has taken possession of me. I use almost no other word than ‘nice’ to describe my feelings, mood and perception. Gradually my life has been reduced to a state of being nice or not being nice. And when I look at my life in this way, it’s mostly ‘not nice’ and that depresses me a lot.
More than nice
Is there more than nice? Can something also be interesting, fascinating, poignant or stimulating? Can people not be special? Fun, striking, curious or wondrous? Can we also describe them as inspiring, stimulating, or even laughable instead of nice? An activity does not only have to be nice but can also be stimulating, moving, energising or inspiring. A place can be beautiful, gorgeous or amazing. In a negative sense, you can also say that you find something annoying, unpleasant, scary or frightening instead of ‘not nice’. Maybe something is bad, stressful, painful or exhausting.
It’s not just nice or not nice. The world and your experience is much richer than that flat dichotomy. There are thousands of ways in which we can experience a place, person, situation or activity and express it with so many words.
Anxiety
It’s nice to have lunch together! For example, I visited the Sense Health company a few days ago – yes, the company of which this blog is part of. A number of bloggers were invited for a lunch. I don’t like that! I find social activities with strangers in a strange setting terrifying. I feel insecure, not to know where I should be, what is expected of me or how I should behave. It triggers my traumas and makes me very restless. That is not nice. Already a few days in advance I start to feel nervous, sleep poor and I don’t feel good on the day itself. In the train the tension rises, I start to sweat and want to go back, safely home. I know that I don’t have to be afraid, but my body does not think, it only feels. It makes it clear to me that I don’t like it.
Think different
To look at things differently: afterwards, as always, it was okay. Once I realized that it does not have to be ‘nice’, there was room to experience it differently (and ultimately richer). I became aware that although I don’t like it, I have experienced it as very meaningful, important and valuable. I have been able to contribute to developments of activities and products that can improve the quality of life of people with a vulnerability. Despite the nerves and fear, I felt valued because what I said was taken seriously. I did not like it but it was good to be there.
By regularly saying to myself that it doesn’t always have to be nice, I am more open to other experiences without having to deny the nasty and painful aspects. Life is not either nice, or not nice, but has a much richer range of experiences, moods and appreciations.
It’s the little things …
The nerves are running through my body. The music starts and I run to the dance floor. I breathe in and the moment I exhale, I start dancing. The violinists are making long strokes on their violins. The melody lines are graceful and stylish. I follow the music with my body and feel one with the music. The nerves seem to have disappeared like snow before the sun. With my arms I make graceful lines and my attitude exudes self-assurance. I do not have to force the smile on my face. When I dance I forget all my worries. I would prefer to dance the whole day so that the mill in my head has no chance to get started. In the end I make a bow and I see proud faces laughing at me. I am getting warm inside. Warm from this little happiness.
It’s the little things …
From the piano, four chords sound before I start singing. The only thing I hear is the guidance and the only thing I see is the text. The song is about a relationship that has failed and which frustrates both parties. I feel the emotions. While I am singing I feel completely sucked into the text. I feel the pain they have. They would have preferred it if the relationship had worked. It just did not work through the completely different worlds in which they live. After the final chord has sounded, I become aware of the environment again. I look at my teacher: he has a smile on his face. He says that the emotions came in and that I have sung on point. I take that compliment with me I am proud. Proud of this little happiness.
It’s the little things …
I sit in my room and think about the summer. In August I will move to another city. It is time for something new, but I find it hard to leave this place and especially the people in it. I think of the beautiful moments. From dinners to parties till deep in the night. And from special personal conversations to watching a horror movie with five in one bed at five o’clock in the morning. When I think of these moments, I can only smile. Although I write this down with a lump in my throat, I can say that I am grateful. I am grateful that I have met all these special people. Each and every one of them has a place in my heart: the one maybe a bit more than the other. I’m going to miss them, but when I think of these little things, missing is probably a little less painful.
It’s the little things …
The Little things? The little moments? They aren’t little. – Jon Kabat-Zinn
Love, Ghyta
Do you recognize this? On the freeway somebody is driving bloody slow on the fast lane. Always a nuisance. But now you are freaking out behind the wheel. Or maybe somebody suddenly says something sweet and offers you help, and you burst out in tears. Just some examples of emotions that seems to appear out of nowhere and with high intensity. Why? Because you are tired. I think we can all relate and all have experienced situations like these. Your physical and mental health are undeniably connected. Very useful to know and to use as a signal and compass.
To me, and to a lot of others, this connection between physical and mental health, is very strong. Because our heads already have the tendency to blame ourselves and not the situation. To see black rather than white. To glorify perfectionism and doing the best we can, always. When I’m tired, the self-destructive voices in my head get room to maneuver. They create anxiety and stress. And when I’m not able to rationalize these voices and feelings, I block (giving up, fleeing, being passive) and I start to misuse food and sports (too much, too little).
I just returned to the Netherlands, after three years of traveling, and started work again. It’s very physical work. Needless to say, I’m very tired. But, in the evenings I want my social life and sports, which again, needless to say, does not work out. On top of this I do all kinds of volunteering work, to which I committed when I did not have a job yet. Way too much. And a magical mix for stress, disappointment and feeling down.
So, time to turn these signals into a compass for direction and action. What can I do to create rest and balance again?
Ever been on a plane and listened to the emergency instruction? You get instructed to, when an emergency occurs, put your own oxygen mask on first. Help others comes second. So, I should focus on myself first, thinking small, before helping and living big again.
When you are going through some big changes in your life, you spent more energy. And it takes time to internalize the change and make it work. But time and energy are valuable and limited. So, when you need a lot on a certain level, you need to save resources on another level. That sounds very logical, but still a lot of us aren’t very good in practicing this theory. We want to keep all our balls in the air. But, actually, this is a very short term strategy. It will work for a while, but in the long run, you will get exhausted and the chance of all balls ending up upon the floor will grow. And probably is inevitable.
Back in the plane. Emergency. The only thing that counts right now is the oxygen mask. Perfect. Seems doable. So, right now, in my world: What is my oxygen mask? What is my priority? Work. Work has priority right now. Work will get me an income, will make sure I regain structure and will help me settle in the Netherlands again. Perfect again. I already have put on that mask. Now I need to see this as a step in the right direction and take the time for the oxygen to revitalize me. I have to give myself time and allow myself to be tired. I have a goal. When I regain strength again, I can expand my world again. I cannot punish myself for talking to my friends a little less, that I struggle with other balls, that my world is a little small right now. It has a reason, a goal. And actually, when I think about it, I am doing a great job with that! Something I do not give myself credit for. I have been focusing on the things that I need to let go for now. But I’m just focusing.
Now that I know that, temporarily, my world will be a little smaller, there are a few practical tips which I can use.
- Communication. I prioritized certain things in my life and they will take time. I can share that with my friends and family, and with everybody with whom I have commitments. Maybe I can relief myself from some obligations or social gatherings.
- I remind myself of my goal every day by sticking a post it not on my mirror which tells me I’m doing great. I see it every morning and evening.
- I keep my life simple and small for a while. Do I still have the feeling that I need to do more than I can handle? Maybe I can get help. I could make a list of things that need to be done and let people help me finish them. Either way, making a to-do list is always useful to empty your head. I often notice that it feels bigger and more in your head than on paper. So, it’s a great way to organize, rationalize, and to create space in your head.
- I try to see going to bed early, taking rest and doing nothing as a reward for working hard and making a change. I try to avoid the thought of wasting time when I take rest.
- I try to be kind to myself. I am doing the best I can, right now. I will give myself time. And I will surround myself with love from my family and friends
- I will keep my oxygen mask on. For a safe landing.
Or not? It used to be self-evident. I visited my grandfathers and grandmothers house very regularly. On Wednesday, my mother’s’ parents always came to pick me up and they brought kibbling with them. In the weekends I saw the parents of my father. Especially during the holiday season I saw them very often.
I saw the rest of the family during our visits to my grandparents or on birthdays. I used to look forward to see them. The conviviality, everyone together and playing games with my cousins.
The divorce
When my parents separated, the family got a lot bigger. The partners of my parents both had a fairly large family and I also liked to come there. I thought of everyone as family, even though I was not related to them. Unfortunately, I was often fighting with my mother’s partner. Quarreling about the smallest things, slamming doors and a self-willed me. But with my step-sister, I got a nice, good relationship. We became real sisters. I thought of her as my little sister, even though she is only one year younger, and I was proud every time she had achieved something. Like finishing primary school or winning a gym competition. We sometimes had fights, but that is part of it.
Moving out
When I left the house at the age 18, it became a lot quieter at my mother’s house. I could suddenly get along very well with her partner. I started to consider him as part of the family.
I saw my step sister less often. We went our own way, but I never forgot about her. I stopped going along with my parents to all birthday parties, so I saw the rest of the family less often. Nevertheless, the relationship with my grandparents kept on very strong. Except from the time I was in a very bad relationship, which ended in domestic violence. This year I had (almost) no contact with my family. The only person I still saw was my mother.
I missed my father very much that year. Especially during his 50th birthday, I could not be there. If I got the chance to do it all again, I would have done it very differently, but because this is not the case, I had to forgive myself hoping that my father could do this too. Fortunately that relationship has been restored and our relationship is better than it ever was.
Nowadays
Nowadays I think differently towards the concept of family. And especially the unconditional love that is attached to this concept. There are a number of people in my family, blood relatives, for whom I would walk through fire. I had a number of collisions with my father’s parents. With regard to myself (they did not want me to break up a relationship, because they believed I should fight for it) but also with regard to my father. They do not even know about my father’s sickness! Unconditional love does not apply for these people. We are almost strangers now. And no matter how much pain it causes, it is better this way. I talked with them about it and this made it easier for me to accept. If they die now it will still be difficult but, I will not think “what if …” anymore. We think differently about relationships and they do not accept that I do not visit them every week. Fortunately, I built up a rich life for myself, with good people. They could have been a part of it, but it did not turn out well so now it is time to move on.
Outside the blood relatives
I also have family, who deserve unconditional love. For example my stepparents. They are always there for me, just like my parents. My partner, his parents, brothers and sister are also part of it. Every Thursday we eat at my in laws’ house with the whole club and it really feels like home. No obligations, just cozyness. And the best part of it is that we do not have to cook ourselves!
But also some friends feel like family. Family that I chose myself. How nice is that? I know that I can always count on them. That they are there for me if I need them and they know that I will be there for them too. Now I know that family does not mean unconditional love at all costs. Sometimes it is better to let go, even though it might be difficult. I am much more peace with myself and got more love for others, who certainly deserve it twice as much.
The song of the week: Cannonball song by Lea Michele. A beautiful song that describes the relationship between me and my father’s parents.
Love, Renee
Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Never felt a feeling of comfort
All this time, I’ve been hiding….
…I’m in need of a savior, but I’m not asking for favors
My whole life, I’ve felt like a burden
I think too much and I hate it…..
….I’ve been quiet for too long
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for so long
(Marshmello ft. Khalid – Silence)
This song hits so many sore spots on the skin of my life. The fighting, the hiding, the absence of love and the feeling of being a burden.
When I was younger there only was silence for my true and complete self. Because I was fighting a loud and violent war. At first you think you are fighting the world and everything in it, but slowly you discover that the main fight is raging inside of yourself. You have a silent killer in you: your own brain and chemistry. It is fighting everything you are or want to become. Slowly spreading darkness.
I used to have so much anger, pain and fear. Fighting seemed the only thing to keep me alive. But it is not. It had nothing to do with living or being alive. It is survival. So many people fight their way through life. It seems something we are programmed to do. To fight adversity and pain. And, honestly, I don’t know if I made it up to here if I had not fought. It was the only way I knew. But you cannot fight forever. It wears you out and exhausts you. Till there is nothing but a hollow shell.
I was in need of a savior. And there was only one. Me.
The moment I realized this, I stopped to just assess the situation (I had too, because I could literally sleep for 3 years), I started my transformation from fighter to lover. That was three years ago.
Looking back on this period, I can distinguish 4 important phases.
- Diagnosis and acceptance
I went to a psychologist of my choosing and was as open as I could be. I got my diagnosis and the process of acceptance of being ill started. - Action and commitment – therapy and medication
Together we chose an 18 months’ treatment to start a healing and coping process. I also got medication to stabilize my moods and thoughts a little. It took commitment to finish what I started. Commitment to myself. I floated somewhere in between fighting and loving. - The whole picture – seeing myself and loving her
After therapy I traveled the world, alone. To get to know myself better. The whole me. Not only the fighter of a disease, but also the other silent one. The process of love started. I gave myself a chance to start over. - Changing my life
During my travels I learned so much about myself. Who I was, but also what I needed. I am trying to organize and life my life in a way that fits me. That is the most loving thing you can give yourself. And eventually others. Because when the fighting stops or lessens, you have a lot of true loving energy left-over.
Having named these four phases, I want you to know that transformation and change are not easy, as love and life are not. Not now and, even, not ever. And that transformation and life are circles. You will encounter situations or events that will force you to make a transformation, again, and again. Just aging alone will trigger those. There will always be bumps, large and small. We need to see and live these ‘ugly’ and painful sides of life too. But that does not mean that you can’t love life. It’s the whole experience that will hopefully end up to be beautiful.
For me, right now, life is difficult. I can say I feel lost in phase 4. I have gained knowledge, but to organize this knowledge into a new state of being is proving to be very hard.
All I can do, I think, is try to see the good in this too. To look back and see that chaos always gave me a new balance, eventually. I should have faith in that.
If you want to transform, promise yourself work and commitment. Look at yourself and others with love, forgiveness and kindness. And please give yourself time. Your feelings, pace, and journey are valid and only yours to discover. Do not compare yourself to others to fight yourself, compare to love or learn from the differences.
If you are currently fighting something or everything, try to transform fighting into loving. I know it will give you your life back and help you get through everything life will throw at you.
Like Mahatma Ghandi said, “where there is love, there is life”. And I belief it to be true. You will always find more strength in love than in fight.
Have a loving journey!
For a lot of people the new year is a new start. Almost everybody has New Year resolutions and every year we think we are going to hold on to them. Gyms get overcrowded, sales of junk food decrease and also the liquor store is a lot calmer. But after awhile, we seem to forgot about our resolutions.
Goals
I also used to be the kind of person who started the new year with a lot of resolutions: losing weight, eating healthier, working out, getting more social, drive within the speed limits. All of those things did not succeed, so this year I have given up on New Year’s resolutions.
But why? It is good to have goals, right? Of course it is, but I already had goals set before the end of the year. And I still hold on to them! And also I keep on setting new goals for myself, but I do not consider them as resolutions. Absolutely not!
I study hard, my energy level increases, which allows me to meet my friends and family more often. I eat healthy, since I have to maintain a healthy weight. I am doing it for months now and I am not planning to give up!
Everybody takes me for who I am, now it is up to me to do the same.
Loesje
Social media
However, I decided to start 2018 a more positive way. Social media can make that hard sometimes. Everybody seems to be so happy online, like life has to be perfect. Expensive vacations, nights out, marriage proposals: everything gets shared online.
But there is also the dark side: I am a member of some Facebook groups for people with depression, stress and for cancer companions. I am considering to leave these groups. I came a long way in my recovery, these negative messages make me feel down. It is time to work on that!
Personal development
At the end of 2017, I had an appointment at the department of trauma counseling. Together with my partner I succeeded to end the year in a great way. I wrote a letter to my therapist J. and read it to her: I said goodbye and got a big hug, three kisses and a postcard with some sweet words. From now on, I can do it alone, with the people I love. No more therapy. A strange idea, but I believe I am ready!
The song of this week is: Unwritten of Natasha Bedingfield. It goes without saying!
I wish you all a beautiful and happy New Year!
Love, Renée x
