In my previous blog I stated that I also intend to write about my less good days. Several adjustments in my life have ensured that these good days are no longer overshadowed by the bad ones. However, I still have days when things are not going well: I cry, have enormous frustration, deep uncertainties or a bad mood.

It’s not a competition

Since I am very busy with my personal development and I am very proud of the progress I have made in recent months, I am really disappointed by the bad days. I am very strict with myself. It therefore feels as if I receive one point for all my good days and a full score because a day which has “failed”. This mindset naturally makes me feel anything but better.

Fall back …

In the past two weeks I had a huge “relapse” feeling. I hadn’t had a fight with my boyfriend for weeks and now we had three fights in a row. Had not been crying for six weeks: now I have had four huge crying sessions in two weeks. In addition I feel super helpless about problems in my family, problem I cannot change. Also the summer period at work is really over and I have experienced enormous stress. Long story short: I felt really bad. However, if you feel bad, it doesn’t help you to feel bad because you feel bad. That feeling that you “fail” makes you feel even worse. I find it super difficult, but my wise lesson in situations like this: be kind to yourself! I found this article on the NiceDay site very useful. Be kind to yourself and do good self-care is the message.

Sometimes I just get lost for a while, sometimes it takes a little longer. But in the end I always get home again.

… and then get up again

So if you feel bad: just let that feeling come over you. Take the time you need to feel bad and only start to get “back up” when you are ready. Sadness, anger, gloom: it’s okay. And the moment you start to feel better again: take your life step by step. I talked it out with my boyfriend and we agreed on how to be nicer for each other; A visit to my family is planned and I will go on vacation for a week so that I can let go of the stress of my job. I’m not going to do too much on vacation, besides being very sweet to myself.

Competition or a walk

So, a lesson for myself: personal development is not a competition. I can’t win or lose. You can compare it to a walk: sometimes I take a beautiful route and sometimes I accidentally take the wrong turn. This turn can sometimes lead me to places I would rather not have been. Sometimes I just get lost for a while, sometimes it takes a little longer. But in the end I always get home again.

Love,

Mara

We all want to be special, because being ‘normal’ is boring. Yet there is profit to be gained in just being ordinary. In the book ‘The courage to be disliked; How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness (2019), published by Allen & Unwin, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga offer tools for developing courage to change without focusing on what others think about you. In addition, they discuss how to move past barriers that prevent us from being truly happy.

What is wrong with being “special”?

In principle there is nothing wrong with being ‘special’, but striving for perfection (the very best version of yourself) can cause you to strive for an unattainable goal. If we do not achieve this goal, the desire to be a better version of yourself will turn to the idea that you have failed. This in turn ensures that you feel unhappy.

Being normal and happy: how do you do that?

Self-acceptance is an important first step. If you manage to have the courage not to be special, your view of the world will immediately change. Nothing else needs to be done and a burden falls off your shoulders. You are no longer busy making continuous improvements to yourself, looking for the next mountain to climb, no you can just be. Sometimes something does not work out as you had previously thought or you will find that you are not good at something. And that is fine: You can’t do more than your best and that’s enough!

Your look at life

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga also state that, to be ordinary and happy, you need a different view on life. We have learned that life is a line, you live from goal to goal until the moment of departure, death. We are constantly on the move in this image.

But, life is not a line, it is a collection of moments in the here and now. Future and past do not exist. If our life were a line then life planning is a good option. You don’t have to keep giving direction to a collection of moments. There will always be unexpected circumstances, planning is not always helpful.

All you have to do is live your life moment by moment. Happiness is then not the result of a goal achieved, but the by product of being allowed to here.

Do you have the courage to just be?

You may have read about the effect of a gratitude diary: a notebook (or app) in which you, for example, write down 5 things every morning and evening for which you are grateful. By focusing on what you do have, what is going well and the nice people you have around you, your sense of happiness grows. But in addition to this tip, we have a few more for you!

1. Life is not as heavy as it seems:

   Our thoughts easily get to us: “Pff, I really don’t feel it today, this will be a bad day.” and tada, at the end of the day it was a bad day. No matter how real these negative thoughts feel, they don’t have to make the truth. You determine what you think and to a large extent also how you feel. Your thoughts are super powerful, so try to evoke as many positive thoughts as possible and let the negative thoughts “pass” without attaching any value to them.

2. Think about what is really important:

   You are pulled in all directions, your work, your relationship, friends, household, social media. It all feels equally important. But is it all really that important? What is important differs per person, but ask yourself: what do I want to spend my time and energy on? If I look back on my life later, what more could I have wanted to do? And on what should I have spend less time?

3. Small steps, big result:

   Our daily life is busy, we want everything and that’s okay. But it can sometimes be overwhelming and this feeling makes you no longer know where to start. Try to ‘cut’ large projects / tasks or things that you don’t like in smaller steps. Ask yourself which small step you can take to make the situation a little better. Once you have taken the first step, you can ask yourself the question again. You go on and on! Problems seem (or are ultimately) less significant and this ensures that you experience less stress while you get more done. Win win!

4. You can learn to accept:

   “Life comes as it comes”, “it is what it is” or “c’est ça”, all statements that indicate that you can’t change life. If you often wish it to be different, you experience stress and negative feelings (such as dissatisfaction). Acceptance of what is ensures peace in your life. This does not mean that you “always have to let everything happen”, it mainly means that you use the current moment as a starting point. It is how it is and that determines your next steps and actions. Less stress, less dissatisfaction, more rest!

A toolset

These tips are actually all “tricks” or “tools” that you can teach yourself. They help to put things into perspective, accept things. you can not change, be in the present and be grateful for what is nice in your life. It reduces stress and the chance of an “off day”  (because you will still have those sometimes!).

NiceDay actions

Keep your gratitude diary in NiceDay, write down what really matters to you and plan “small steps” on your daily planner. Also monitor your mood, hopefully these tips will ensure a positive mood! And don’t forget to share this article with someone who can also benefit from these tips!

Many patients wonder how treatment will be like in mental health care. Can you expect improvement in a straight line up from the start of the treatment?

Waves

Improvement usually goes more in a wave movement (ten Broeke, 2004). Seen over the entire treatment, the goal is of course to reduce your symptoms and make you feel better. But often changes occur with ups and downs; sometimes you may feel that you are taking two steps forward and one step back. This may have to do with awareness and confrontation with what you previously avoided.

Awareness of your complaints and your behavior

You are going through several phases during treatment. The first phase starts with an intake interview, after which you may already feel a little better because you were able to tell your story and because your concerns were heard (ten Broeke, 2004). Also, you may have received confidence and hope that you can change your complaints.

This is followed by a phase that promotes awareness; you get information about your complaints, you register how often you suffer from your complaints (and you may notice that you are gloomy or anxious much more often than you thought and you may find this unsettling). That can be confronting and make you feel less good. You are more aware of what is not going well, but you still have few tools to get moving and change something (ten Broeke, 2004). This, of course, is not a nice feeling.

Yet becoming aware of what is going on is a sign that you have begun to confront your complaints so that you can do something about them.

Addressing complaints during treatment

When you are more aware of what is going wrong at the moment and how your behavior may sustain your symptoms, you can try to do things differently or changes your think about situations, your professional will be there to help you along the way.

You get tips and tricks to work with, for example by confronting fearful situations that you have avoided before, you become more active again while you previously had the tendency to withdraw. You can also learn to challenge your negative thoughts and become more realistic to start feeling better. And that too can go in waves, with trial and error.

Your development during a treatment is therefore on average not a straight, rising line, but rather a wavy movement. Being aware of this and knowing that this is “normal” can help you to put things into perspective when things go less well. Have faith that you are on the right track and that you will get there. Keep going!

People like to think in boxes, we can’t do anything about that. We stereotype and have (unconsciously) many prejudices. Because as a gay person you are a hairdresser, steward or nurse, right? How do you deal with these prejudices?

Hold your ground in a man’s world

I myself am a service engineer on diesel locomotives and wagons, in heart and soul, but as you may know from my previous blogs, I am also gay. I have to admit, in the beginning I was nervous to work in a real man’s world in the port of Antwerp.

Vulgar remarks accompanied by vulgar jokes, daily business in the port. I quickly learned that “proving yourself”, by responding and standing up for yourself, keeps it fun at work. Yet I can also imagine that not everyone dares to seek confrontation and sometimes it is better not to respond.

Boundaries at work

I believe it helps to set clear boundaries for yourself and to be clear to your colleagues. Certainly when they make remarks that may come across as hurtful to you. It is important that you continue to feel good at work. I myself indicate in a direct but polite way which comments I cannot appreciate, often I also share why I cannot appreciate a comment because people often do not consider the fact that your sexual preference is who you are, not what you choose to be. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is necessary to prove yourself as a gay person in a man’s world. In fact, the answer is no. Among younger colleagues I also have the feeling that I do not have to prove myself, I have this feeling especially with the somewhat older colleagues.

But what is it like for me personally to work in such a world?

The answer is: super fun! I get along well with my colleagues and I have a very nice job where I do things that are different from other people’s work!

All my colleagues know that I am gay. I am very open about this, because then I can be myself. Some colleagues never ask anything about it and others show a lot of interest about what it’s like to be gay. For example, they ask questions about relationships, sex, etc. I personally like to tell about this openly.

How would you handle a similar situation? Would you take the trouble to prove yourself extra because you have a passion for your job? And would you openly answer questions from your colleagues who show genuine interest?

Hug,

Bert

Mindfulness is about living with more awareness and attention. People can, for example, be more mindful about their eating behaviour, their emotions and also about the way they use plastic. Have you ever heard of using plastic more mindfully or becoming more conscious about the use of plastic? Do you sometimes have the feeling  that you are using more plastic than necessary? Or do you have no idea about how much plastic you actually use in daily life? In this article we want to create more awareness about the consumption of plastic. 

Indispensable but not always necessary

Plastic, it seems like we can’t live without it anymore. But does this mean that we actually can’t?  For example: is it necessary to provide drinks from one or even several straws? And is it necessary to use plastic cups, plastic cutlery and plastic plates at parties and/or barbecues? There are plenty of examples to think of how often we unnecessarily use plastic. 

Do you find it odd that for example peppers and cucumbers are wrapped in plastic one by one? Do not worry, fortunately it has a function. Before the vegetables end up on your plate, they first need to be transported. Because they need to travel for a long time, they are wrapped in plastic to protect them and to preserve freshness. So, there is a good reason for packaged vegetables, but this does not mean that you should always buy veggies wrapped up in plastic. It is convenient to think about your ‘eating schedule’: when you would like to eat certain vegetables. Within a few days, you should opt for unwrapped vegetables. Choose packaged vegetables once you know that you will only eat them by the end of the week or so. In short: try to consciously think about your weekly schedule.

How can I mindfully deal with plastic?

It is important to take it step by step. Try to wonder if it is necessary to get a coffee-to-go or to put a straw (or multiple straws) in your drink. Perhaps the coffee is just as good at work or at home and you probably will not be harmed if you drink your refreshment without a straw.

Below you will find some tips about how to reduce the usage of plastic:

• Replace plastic bottles for a nice drinking bottle, in this way you will not have to throw your bottles away! Some people even drink their water from empty jam jars: anything is possible, just be creative!
• Purchase a stainless steel straw and in this way you do not have to use plastic straws. Jenna Jambeck, professor of technology at the University of Georgia, states that if you decide to stop using straws, you help to raise awareness about plastic in the oceans. Jenna published a study that measured for the first time how much plastic ends up in the oceans every year. In addition to the straws contributing to plastic in the sea, the straws also end up in the noses of turtles which causes them to choke. Reason enough to purchase a set of reusable straws, right? At bol.com you can order a set of stainless steel straws!
• Bring your own neat or a cool cotton bag while shopping. In this way you will not use plastic bags from the store. And let’s be honest, it looks way better to wear a cool, reusable bag than a boring, plastic bag?  
• Purchase some blocks of soap instead of plastic bottles of soap. This is good for the environment and also better for your wallet because it takes a long time to finish these blocks of soap. 
• Recently, Albert Heijn started selling reusable cotton bread bags. This means that there is no longer any reason to put your fresh bread in a plastic bag 🙂 

With these tips you should certainly manage to be more mindful with plastic. Want to more about the effects of plastic on your body? Read this article of Psychologist Ilya. On behalf of the NiceDay team, good luck!

Every human being has needs. A need is something you desire or something you cannot live without. We also call this individual or personal needs. Needs form the basis of your existence, because they give you a sense of direction in what you want and need, and therefore can work as a motivation. When your needs are fulfilled, positive feelings can arise. On the other hand, when your needs are not fulfilled or disturbed, you can experience negative feelings. Being aware of your fulfilled and unfulfilled needs and the associated feelings, can give you insight into what you need and desire.

The pyramid of Maslow

In the 60’s the American psychologist Abraham Maslow developed the hierarchy of needs. This theory stated that every person goes through a certain needs structure, the so called pyramid of Maslow (see illustration above here). First, you fulfill your basic needs (lower part of the pyramid), before you can fulfill the more luxurious and less urgent needs. When you fulfill the needs of the lower parts of the pyramid, you can go to self-actualization and find new ways to remain content and grow to psychological health. Daniel Pink supports in his book “drive” the theory of Maslow by stating that the secret of performing better, motivation and more satisfaction lies in the human needs: autonomy (choosing what you do), mastery (learning and developing skills) and meaning ( belonging to a society). 

Moving along the pyramid

The pyramid might be a little outdated since the society looks a whole lot different these days, but the basic principles are this applicable. You move along the pyramid mostly layer by layer, but this does not mean that someone who has a chronic disease does not seek creativity or personal development. It especially means that when you need a lower layer falls away or disappears, you probably want to fix this first and seek balance, before you can continue in the higher layers, like developing yourself. 

What do you need?

Being aware of the pyramid can help you gain insight into your needs, which are fulfilled and what you need to fulfill. Do not interpret the pyramid as a static fact, but as something you can tailor to you as a person. Below you will find a short explanation of the different layers of the pyramid and a tip on how to approach this in NiceDay!

The layers of the pyramid (from the bottom to the top)

Layer 1: Physiological basic needs

When your basic needs are like food, water, clothing and shelter are fulfilled, you can move onto layer 2. When you feel good physically, the chance is higher you will perform better. For example, when you don’t have a shelter, it is difficult to feel safe and secure (layer 2).

Layer 2: Safety and security

This entails physical safety, employment, good health and property. To function properly it is important to have a safe surrounding. When you have financial problems or a reorganisation at work, these needs can get out of balance.

Layer 3: Social acceptance and belonging

This means friendship, family, intimate relationships, togetherness and love. Good social contacts contribute to your happiness and joy in life. When you have less supportive relationships or a relationship ends, your attention, that might have been in the higher layers, automatically shifts to this layer and resolve this. Your creativity or training of new skills (layer 5) have to wait a little while.

Layer 4: Esteem and acknowledgement

Once you enter this layer, it is probable your basic needs are fulfilled, you feel safe and secure and you have a social network to share this with. Now you are seeking recognition, appreciation and respect of yourself and of others. Needs that belong in this layer are self-esteem, respect from and for others, trust, status, reputation and recognition. These elements give you the feeling that you matter and are of meaning in the eyes of your surrounding.

Layer 5: Self-actualisation

This means striving to develop your own skills and capacities. Moral, creativity and spontaneity also fall in this category. People continuously have the urge to develop themselves and learn new things, but you can do this best when the needs from the lower parts of the pyramid are fulfilled. For example, when you get hungry, you will probably eat first before continuing with you development. And when something bad happens in your social network, you will probably help them first. 

Layer 6: Transcendental needs

This 6th layer was added by Maslow in a later stage and is therefore lacking in the illustration. Self transcendence literally means transcending yourself and go beyond the ordinary. It is a state of higher consciousness. People in this layer see themselves as a part of a large universe, are aware of a collective consciousness and see the importance of a common need. According to Maslow, meditation and mindfulness are ways for an individual to reach this layer.

Which of your needs are fulfilled?

“You start by serving your own needs”

NiceDay actions

Write down in your NiceDay journal what needs you have, which are fulfilled and which are unfulfilled. Where do you see something to gain, and what do you need to achieve this?

In my last blog I talked about how setting goals and attaching conditions to our state of happiness is only temporary and often unsuccessful. I promised to give you an answer on how I found happiness within me so here we go.

Focus on possibilities instead of limitations

We have all done this, I won’t go out and try to make new friends because I already have friends or I do not fit in with other people. If you cling on the notion that something is not possible you are arguing in favour for your limitations. By doing this you are keeping the limitations in your life. If you would argue in favour of your possibilities, you can turn those possibilities into a reality. I think it’s better to prove that we CAN do something instead of reinforce that we can’t do something. It does not matter if we feed our possibilities or our limitations. The one we feed is the one that wins. 

Always ask why!

You know how children are always so curious and always keep asking “why” to understand  the world around them. I think when we mature, asking the why question remains just as important but more in the sense of understanding the world inside of us. What is your why power? Why is it that you want to study this degree? Move to that city? Buy that new thing? I believe that when you do not have a strong why for what you do we tend to be more sensitive for influences of someone else’s why. When you start to question the reason why you are doing the things you are doing in your life, you might notice that some of them are only because of what others might expect from you or what the media and society perpetuates as something that you must be doing.  Asking yourself the why more regularly, makes us understand and set our values. This will make us happy and reassured when making life decisions. 

Prioritize play 

We were all kids once who were giving pens and paint and we expressed ourselves completely freely. But as we grow older we try to conform and fit in. So I took this whole play part a chance by just letting go sometimes of the idea of being good or great at something. We sometimes just need to do something creative and just do it. Creativity goes well beyond play, it helps us think differently, problem solve differently and helps us build confidence. It can come in so many different forms, singing, dancing, cooking, playing sports. Anything that feels like a unique form of self-expression. Anything that helps us reconnect with our inner child! 

Small steps lead to big changes

We live in a society that focuses on crash diets and getting rich quick, so we tend to want big results and we want them fast. But we also know that those quick and fast strategies bring us back to where we started or even worse of then where we were. We can never change our life until we start to change something we do daily. When we put expectations on ourselves such as “I will start working out every day” we tend to not be able to keep it up and quit completely. It is the go big or go home mindset we need to stop having. It are the small things that we do often that makes the changes. Instead of working out every day, start with working out once every week and build it up. 

Thank you again for taking the time to read this month’s blog.

Love, 

Sabrina

Task after task, at work and at home. Your head starts to spin when you think of everything you want to do and it is hard to remember where you have written everything down and what has priority over what? Your head feels messy and you need more headspace. 

What can you do?

Ryder Carroll, known from the Bullet Journal, believes that writing down everything that goes on in your head, including your to-do lists, your worries, and your ideas will create room in your mind. You outsource your thoughts, your head feels cleaner and you are more productive. Clutter in your mind can cause you to be overwhelmed and limited in what you can achieve in a day. So, let’s write stuff down!

1. Make an inventory: What do you have to do? What do you want to do? And what should you pick up first?
2. Consider the ‘why’: Why do you do what you do? And, why do you want to pick up these things? “We burden ourselves with unnecessary responsibilities,” says Carroll. “We are so distracted by all the things that we should and can do, but we forget to ask ourselves: Do I want to do those things?”
3. Ask two questions: Is it essential? Is this important for me or for someone I love? If the answer is no to these two questions, it is a distraction and you can therefore remove it from your list! This way you get your focus back.
4. Take what remains and cut it up: If all goes well you now have an overview of all your important to-do’s, projects and wishes. If there is something new on your list, such as learning a language or starting a project, split it up into smaller tasks. This way it remains well-arranged and achievable. This also helps with keeping you motivated.
5. Take time every day to go through your inventory: Even if it is only for 5 minutes. Carroll says: “We must devote ourselves to keeping that map updated with all the new things we discover. If we don’t do that, our map will become inaccurate and we will wander. If it turns out that something that was important to you, is no longer important, cross it out and let it go. “

By keeping your journal up to date, you can literally see what you are doing well, what’s not going to great, what you have already learned and what is really important to you. These self-insights help you to get to know yourself better and ensure that you are less easily distracted!

In addition to keeping track of all your tasks and your wishes for new projects and fun ideas, it is also good to keep track of what you are grateful for. This increases your sense of happiness and also promotes peace and space in your head. There you go, some extra headspace for you. 

Ryder Carroll in his TedTalk:

Rafiki is my new hero. He is the wise baboon from the Lion King. He teaches Simba to believe in himself again and shows him who he is and where he comes from. I recently saw the Lion King remake. What did I cry with the first part. Normally I never have that with movies. I think it’s because I recognized myself in Simba. He has experienced something traumatic as a child that continues to haunt him on his way to adulthood. He no longer believes in himself and blames himself for everything that has happened. Somewhere at the end of the film Rafiki finds him in the jungle and asks him: The question is, who are you? Well, damn Disney what a wisdom you bring us in an originally children’s film.

That specific quote from Rafiki haunted me when I walked out of the cinema. It followed me all the way to my house. It then nestled in my head and I can’t stop thinking. Because: who am I? Who am I…? I think many people have asked themselves this question. Subconsciously maybe. What would you answer if someone asked you who you are? Would you answer it in terms of your work, parenting or just with your name? The question: “Who are you?”, can be filled in very broadly. I think there is no wrong answer either. If you see yourself as Jan of 35 years old and father of two children, that’s fine. I cannot answer the question who I am yet. Because I don’t know (yet). Who knows that one day I will wake up, look in the mirror and think: THIS is me!

Another quote from Rafiki that I find very beautiful and supportive is the following: “The past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it”. You always have two choices when it comes to painful memories of the past: you can pretend it has never been there and you will live your life with pain in your heart for the rest of your life. Or you confront and try to discover what the painful past has brought you. This will initially be painful, but it can also give you something positive. In the Lion King, Simba learns that it is not his fault that his father died. But before he realized this, he fled because it was too painful to face the event. Eventually he sees how it really went and he regains confidence in himself.

So be like Simba:

Face your past and learn from it!

Hakuna Matata

Love,
Ghyta