Het leven is net als de getijden van de zee.
Soms komt het op ons af,
soms neemt het stukjes van ons mee…
Nieuw leven komt…
En er is leven dat ons verlaat.
Tussen blijdschap en verdriet
moet je elke dag beseffen
hoe bijzonder en uitdagend het leven is.
Het geeft en neemt elke dag weer…
Zolang je bestaat.
Phases of the grieving process
As described in my previous blog, it is very difficult to let go of a loved one. For the one, the loss of a loved one is harder than for the other. Some people grief for longer or do it in a completely different way. Kubler Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who is known for her pioneering work and her groundbreaking book ‘On Death and Dying‘, has mapped out the various stages of mourning. The first phase consists of shock and disbelief. In this phase someone has to accept the loss rationally and emotionally by being confronted with reality. Then there is a phase of longing and searching. In this phase it is important to allow and experience the emotional pain. The third phase focuses on working through the loss. People often do this by making adjustments to their own lives. The final phase is to complete the processing of the loss by picking up the thread.
What do you encounter?
It is important to first see in which part of the grieving process you are stuck. It is possible that you get stuck in the first two phases; both rationally and emotionally acknowledging that the loss has taken place. Being stuck in this part of the grieving process can indicate that you have avoided grieving. Perhaps out of fear of being overwhelmed by pain and/ or emotions. In this case, it is important to find out what exactly you are avoiding. Are they thoughts or memories, specific places or objects, music, or certain people?
Exposure exercises
When it comes to avoiding things, such as thoughts, challenge yourself to do exposure. By doing exposure exercises you gradually allow what you previously avoided; the reality of the loss of a loved one. It will not be easy to be so intensely involved with the loss, but in the end you will notice that you are more in control over your thoughts, feelings and memories. For processing the loss, it is important that you allow your feelings and thoughts and that you make place for them. Avoidance increases the intensity of your emotions, and by expressing them, they will ultimately decrease. You can do this by asking yourself the following questions and telling them in detail or writing them down.
- How did the days before the death go?
- How did I figured out?
- What happened afterwards?
- How did I feel then?
- What do I miss most now that he or she is dead?
Reminiscing
Go back to the last memory you have with the deceased. Close your eyes and visualize it. Allow your body to feel the feeling that the memory gives you and that this will never happen again. Sometimes it can help to get things or photos to get to the emotions. Music related to certain memories together or from the funeral can also help. It is good to visualize your future. How are things going to be without this person in 5, 10 and 15 years? Do this for half an hour. In this way you have enough time to experience the intense emotions and to sit it out. After that you continue your day. In the beginning it will be difficult, but you will notice that the intensity of emotions, if you allow them, will decrease over time.
Write a letter
It can be helpful to write a letter to your beloved. In this letter write about what you will miss the most for example. Work on this for a week, maximum of half an hour a day.
The future
If you notice that the emotional response is diminishing, you can gradually reduce these types of exercises and think about the extent to which you want to deal with the loss in your life. You can choose, for example, to commemorate him or her every two weeks or just to honor it at certain times (birthdays, death of that person). Try to visualize your future. What would help you to live your life again?
It is also possible that you are not avoiding the loss of a loved one, but that you are constantly preoccupied and dealing with the loss. This way you avoid letting go. Curious about avoiding and letting go? Read the next blog in the mourning series.
If you can find happiness within yourself, you can enjoy life much more. Everyone is able to find happiness in themselves. Only most people don’t know how to do this. Happiness has nothing to do with external circumstances. You cannot control external circumstances. What you can change is the way you look at things. To feel happy you must find happiness within yourself.
What makes you happy?
You decide what makes you happy and happiness can look different for everyone. In addition, pursuing happiness all the time is impossible. Seeking happiness outside of yourself almost always leads to disappointment. Finding your dream job and meeting your dream man/ woman gives you a temporary feeling of happiness, but that feeling also disappears. Everything in life is perishable and temporary. Therefore, do not let your happiness depend on external factors, but do something about it yourself. How? Through acceptance and awareness. By accepting your external circumstances and disconnecting your emotions from it, you can really experience happiness.
Unhealthy habits standing in the way of your happiness
Sometimes certain thinking styles or habits hinder our inner happiness. Below we name a few thinking styles and habits and explain how you can adjust these to find inner happiness.
- Waiting for something to happen. “If I have my dream job / bought that house in that city/ found the love of my life / traveled half the world, then I am happy.” Do you sometimes have such thoughts? Then you probably know that ‘happiness goals’ don’t work because you can come up with a different goal after every goal. If there are always new conditions for happiness you will never be ‘really happy’. If you wait for something to happen that should make you happy, you automatically give less pleasant events the chance to make you unhappy. Life is not always a party. Up and downs are also part of it unfortunately. By taking the bumpy roads every now and then you will experience more joy and satisfaction. It is about the journey, not the destination.
- Worrying. Countless thoughts are floating in our heads. If we are dealing with something, we tend to worry. However, worrying has never solved any problems. To limit excessive worrying, scheduling a moment to worry can help. This moment is a fixed moment during the day where you allow yourself to worry about everything. Afterwards, try to accept the situation as it is. Accept and let go.
- Living in the past. You don’t have to forget your past. The choices you have made in the past made you the person you are today. Therefore, be thankful for what the past has brought you and what the future holds for you. Let it be, because it is once again all about acceptance.
Listen to yourself
Do you still have trouble experiencing happiness, despite these tips? Then listen to your feelings, intuition and needs. These will tell you which path you must take to become happy.
Acceptance and letting go sound very simple, but we probably all know it is easier said than done. Both words are connected to each other: if we have difficulty accepting certain situations or events, then we also continue to have difficulties with letting go. Patience, honesty, time, courage and compassion can help you with this process. A lot of books have been written about this topic. Here are three book recommendations that may help you to accept and let go more easily.
Things You Only See When You Take Time – Haemin Sunim
Haemin Sunim is a Korean Zen Buddhist monk who has gained popularity via Twitter and Facebook. He is a professor and teaches Buddhism and meditation. In his book he gives practical advice for finding peace and dealing with yourself and others. His book contains 17 themes in which he briefly discusses topics such as work, love, relationships and passion. Every chapter contains an affirmation which can help you deal with yourself and others in your daily life. He mainly insists on taking breaks and being mindful to really discover what our feelings tell us. You can read his book in chronological order or you can choose to read about a certain topic
Braving The Wilderness – Brené Brown
Brené Brown is the guru when it comes to experiences that give meaning to our lives. She has already written books on courage, vulnerability, love, shame, empathy and belonging. In this book she gives a new definition of what it means to really belong in a time when there are so many conflicts between different parties and population groups in our society. Brené says that belonging is something we practice every day and that requires integrity and authenticity. You can see it as a personal commitment. Her book is again a mix of research, (personal) stories and above all a lot of honesty about this subject. She especially advocates having the courage to be on your own if it means that you stay close to your true yourself.
Help me! – Marianne Power
We end the blog with a book that is all about English humor. At the same time, the reader is moved by the honesty in the book. Marianne Power tells us a personal story about her obsession with self-help books. She decides to live according the norms and values that are written in self-help books for a year. She does this because she is very dissatisfied with herself and her life. What starts as a funny experiment, ends in a serious and moving adventure. Marianne wants to answer the question “what does happiness mean?”. Can self-help books really help you achieve to have lasting happiness or does it only work in the short term? The role of self-acceptance is central in this book. By reading this book you will get a summary of a lot of self-help books, which saves you time and money!
Have fun reading!
Your alarm clock did not go off. You spill coffee on your white shirt. And just as walk outside the door, it starts to rain. When you finally arrive at work (totally soaked), you discover that you have forgotten your cell phone at home, there are 143 new emails waiting for you and your boss says he is not very happy with you and wants to speak with you now…
The statistics
Everyone has them sometimes, a bad day at work. Those days that are so frustrating and stressful that we want to forget them as quickly as possible. But sometimes this doesn’t work and we take that bad vibe back home. If this happens occasionally, it is of course not a problem. We know that there is no such thing as the perfect job where everything goes smoothly and that al bad day at work every now and then is part of it. But what if you have these annoying days too often? A global survey conducted by consultancy firm Woohoo Inc in 2018 shows that 63% of employees have a bad day at work once a week and that more than 20% experience a bad day at work every day.
Does this sound familiar to you? If we have such bad days at work too regularly, it can have a negative effect on our well-being in the long term. For example, we can worry too much and become insecure, have trouble relaxing or get stimulated quickly and are not nice to our loved ones at home.
What can you do about it?
When you have a hard time at work it is always good to think about why you do this work in the first place. In addition, make sure that you do not identify yourself with your job too much, you are more than just your job! In the heat-of-the-moment, however, it can sometimes be difficult. Therefore we give you 5 tips about how to let go when you have experienced a bad day at work:
- Consciously close that door behind you when you leave the office. Remember that your day at work is over. Turn off the notifications on your phone and decide not to open your laptop for the evening.
- Take the time to travel home after work. This time helps you make the transition from your working life to your private life. In doing so, consciously ask yourself how you want to come home. If you travel by car, drive a little slower than usual. And if possible, go by bike!
- Once at home, switch to that new situation by, for example, changing your work outfit to something more comfortable or by putting on some nice music.
- Reflect on your day. Ask yourself “What went well today” and “What did I achieve”? These questions help you to reflect more on the successes and not just to look at what went wrong.
- Do a relaxing activity that helps you get into the here and now. You can think of meditation or exercise. But it can also be as simple as taking a shower, trying out a new recipe or reading a book.
NiceDay app
Are there things in daily life that you would like to change but you don’t know how? Do you have issues at work? Are there issues you can’t solve yourself? Download the NiceDay app! We offer 1 on 1 coaching. You do not have to do it alone: professionals are there for that extra support.
Has it ever occurred to you that the Marie Kondo method, asking yourself the question “does this make me happy” – is applicable to more things than just material goods? It is also a useful tool when it comes to ending friendships.
Friendship versus romantic relationship
There is a chance that you have people in your inner circle with whom you once were good friends, but now don’t really have click with anymore. When the spark gradually disappears in a romantic relationship, you and your partner grow apart. This usually results in a break-up. Friendships often don’t end with a break up. The bond continues even though the friendship is not as strong as before. Before you know it you are dealing with a handful of friendships that add little or even no value to your life.
What do you find important in a friendship?
Think about what you really want and expect from your friends. Do you want a friend with whom you can party every weekend? Somebody who listen to your stories? Someone who works in the same field as you? Or has the same interests? In an ideal situation your friends possess all these qualities and more.
In practice, it is often different from the ideal world. We must not forget that our friends are also just human beings. For example, someone can be very emotionally dependent. Or naive, which makes you tired of constantly giving advice to your friends if they don’t listen to you but then still complain and whine when their life is not going well. The more time you spend with that person or people, the more energy it costs and the harder it is to be the best version of yourself.
Quality over quantity
Which friends make you happy and bring out the best of you? These friendships are worth it. For the rest, if they bring the worst out of you or you notice that these friendships cost too much energy, you’d better end the friendship. This sounds radical but in the long run you and your friend will benefit from it.
How do you end a friendship?
Start by slowly stop seeing each other and experience how it feels and works out. It could be that your friend is thinking the same way about the situation. Maybe he or she will notice that the friendship is not as it used to be. However, your friend can also ask you questions about the situation. Explain why you have the feeling that this friendship isn’t working anymore. Thank him or her for the great times you had together and explain why this is the end for you. It is important that you take your time to explain your side of the story. Do not just ghost your friend. Even though you do not owe the person a friendship, you do need to give them answers and an honest explanation.
Does it spark you joy?
Remember that it is all about your needs. If you feel it is time to let that friendship go, let it go.
It is evening. The lights are dimmed and the speakers are playing soft acoustic songs. Time to write something to empty my head. Today I thought about letting go. A few years ago I made a poster with a friend about the topic of letting go. The poster is on my wall next to my mirror and I actually look at it every day. I’ve been busy with letting go for a long time, but there seems to be no progress. At least that’s what my feeling says. But in reality I have already taken some steps into the right direction. Yet it remains difficult because certain pain is connected with letting go. My personal pain consists of grief, loss, anger, sadness, fear, abandonment and feelings of inferiority. I have been carrying this pain with me for twenty years and these feelings cannot just vanish in thin air.
Fear
Anxiety has a major influence on the process of letting go. Letting go is often difficult because you are afraid of the consequences. You may think that by letting go of a person for example, you will completely forget him or her. Or that you are a bad person when you let go because you are abandoning something or someone. I’m scared too. Afraid that if I let go I will regret it. That I could never ask for the things I wanted. I actually don’t want that, at least at the moment. But what if I have some questions for that particular person in ten years? Maybe it’s too late then.
Living in the now
Letting go hurts. You really have to get through it. There will be tears. Maybe even a lot of tears. But those tears have to get out of your system before you can think clearly about the reasons why letting go will help you. It is a liability and because of it you are not growing in life. This can be in the form of pleasure because you are constantly thinking about a situation or a particular person for example.
Or it ensures that you are living in the past and that you are constantly thinking about something that has happened a long time ago. You cannot go back to the past, so it is better to live in the present and to focus on the positive aspects of your life. But this is easier said than done. I personally think it has to do with trial and error and being able to turn the page. Especially the latter. If you can turn the page with the thought that letting go is in your positive interest, then it becomes easier.
Letting go in your own way
How you let go it really up to yo. You can let go drastically, by which I mean that you never pay attention to the person or situation ever again. You can also let go and look back on it later with the thought that it has brought you something in a positive way. For example, you have stood up for yourself, or you have had the courage to banish a toxic person or situation from your life. Letting go is often the best thing you can do for your own mental health. A person or situation can require a lot of energy from you at the expense of yourself. Sometimes letting go is necessary to feel better and to find peace again in your body and life.
Love,
Ghyta
