Type in the word divorce on Google and you’ll get thousands of hits of websites that will legally support you during your divorce. That there is so much help available isn’t a surprise, because 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. According to Stine Jensen, for kids who are still in school, it’s already the norm to have divorced parents. In addition to the discussions, arguments, and all the legal things you have to take care of, it is especially important in a divorce to reflect on yourself and your feelings.

Feel your feelings

Divorce is a major life event. Perhaps your vision of the future is falling apart, maybe you and your partner are in conflict, or you feel guilty or stressed about possible children involved. Divorce is seen as a form of loss and grief, and it is therefore not surprising that it can take a long time to process. You can experience all kinds of feelings, think of sadness, rejection, relief, anger, or the feeling of failure. We tend to hide those bad emotions. Understandably, because it doesn’t feel good to feel anxious or sad. And in some situations, it can be very inconvenient when your emotions run wild. Yet these negative emotions are also very valuable! By reflecting on what you feel, you gain more insight into and you are closer to yourself.

Time for yourself

Take a moment for yourself and allow your feelings to be there, no matter how difficult that may be. You can focus on yourself by asking yourself questions such as: how am I feeling? What does this life changing event do to me? What do I need? Do you feel like your feelings are getting too real and tend to put your feelings away again? Go against this urge and accept and respect any feelings that arise. Don’t try to explain your feelings. It is normal to feel sad and angry, your negative emotions are also allowed to be there. By allowing your feelings to exist, you give them space. That space ultimately provides relief.

Tip: Mindfulness and meditation are effective ways to focus your attention on yourself. The Headspace app guides you through various meditation and mindfulness exercises to help you relax and unwind. 

Separate together

What else can you do to make your divorce go as smoothly as possible? Below you will find some tips:

• Keep talking to each other

Chances are, both of you are high in emotion. Don’t blame each other, that won’t do you any good. In a divorce, at least two people with feelings are involved and the feelings of both “parties” are important.

• Find support in your friends and family

There is a lot going on with you, with your partner, and with any children involved. The people around you can also have a big influence on this. This influence can turn out to be positive or negative. It can be annoying when family or friends express their disappointment or anger or express their opinion in other ways. It can also have a positive effect if they do support you or your partner. Who are the people who can help you now? What kind of help do you need? Discuss it with the people you need. You don’t have to do this alone!

• Take good care of yourself

When so much is going on in your life, you may feel like you don’t have the energy to exercise. But right now it is important that you continue to take good care of yourself! Maintain a routine that involves going to bed on time, eating well, and getting enough exercise. Be kind to yourself; don’t drive yourself crazy and don’t keep worrying about guilt. Take the time and space to get used to the divorce, it’s a big change.

Hulp

You can always turn to professional help. Visit your GP for a referral to a psychologist, or click here for more information about online treatment via NiceDay.

Loss comes in all shapes and sizes and it guides us through our lives, but it can be incredibly tough to go through. So, how do you deal with loss?

When do you grieve?

People often think that you only grieve when someone has passed away, but did you know that moving house is one of the most stressful events of people’s lives? After all, you say goodbye to your familiar environment and the many memories you might have there. New phases of life are often accompanied by loss and each loss requires its own grieving process. So, you don’t just grieve after the death of a loved one, but also:

• After a break-up (a broken heart is also a type of grief).
• After certain stages of life, think of leaving your high school to go to university, moving or starting a new job.
• If you change workplaces, especially if it wasn’t your decision or if you retire after years of working
• When ending a friendship
• When a loved one dies, that can be a miscarriage, the death of your pet or someone you dearly loved

What is grief?

Technically, grief is the emotional stress you experience when you lose something or someone. It is a universal phenomenon and part of our lives – just like other emotions such as happiness, anger or fear. Grief can be found in all cultures, but how it is expressed differs per group. This may also include certain traditions. For some religion plays a major role, for others it is mainly about grieving in a group, or it is something you do alone. Think about it, how is loss handled in your family, or within your religious or cultural community?

How do you grieve?

First, I want to clarify that there is no right way of grieving; this is an individual process. However, these things might be able to help you: 

• Try to make this experience part of your life story; if you’ve had such intense feelings for something that you’re going to grieve it’s loss, it’s unrealistic to expect that you’ll just “get over it” and forget it. The loss will always be a part of your life; try to think about what place the loss will have in your life. This also applies to people who have died; how do you want to remember them?
• Everything hits harder for people who are grieving; so don’t be afraid to cancel your plans at the last minute if you feel that’s needed. Ask for space or help if you need it, don’t plan too much and inform your school or work about what you’re going through. Allow yourself some space and time to deal with the proces.
• There is no ideal time frame, no guide to grieving and no defined time frame or predefined steps to go through. Sometimes it will feel very heavy and other times it will feel lighter, everything is fine.
• It’s an individual process, so don’t compare yourself to others. Others express their feelings differently, so really listen to yourself. There is no right or wrong, try to find your own way and above all listen to what you need.

Professional help

Grieving loss is something that is completely natural and that everyone is going to experience at least once in their life. Try to stay close to yourself, there is no right or wrong. Ask for support, but also space when you need it. Are you currently going through a period of mourning and would you like to get professional help with this? Go to your GP for a referral, or click here for more information about a treatment via NiceDay.

Want to read more about mourning? Then click here.

In the Netherlands about 384,000 people are unemployed. Losing your job can have many reasons and unfortunately many people have lost their jobs due to the corona crisis. Being unemployed means that you belong to the labor force, but you are not currently working. Losing your job and becoming unemployed has major consequences, both practically in your daily life and emotionally.

Practical consequences

When you lose your job, you also lose your income. You are usually entitled to benefits, but that depends on your situation. As soon as you apply for benefits, in the Netherlands you will have to deal with the UWV. UWV stands for Employee Insurance Agency. They take care of the implementation of employee insurance such as the WW, WIA, WAO, WAZ, Wazo and the Sickness Benefits Act. It is also possible that you end up in a reintegration process via the UWV or that you are entitled to training. If you are not entitled to a benefit through the UWV (any longer), you will have to go to the municipality for social assistance benefits.

Emotional Consequences

Working is so much more than making money! It provides structure and purpose to your life. In addition, working can make you feel appreciated and this in turn affects your self-confidence. If you do not work, you may feel that you no longer participate in or contribute to society. You can also miss the structure of having something to do every day and experience stress over a loss of income.

Mourning your job

Losing your job evokes so many different emotions; disappointment, frustration, sadness and anger for example. The following five stages of loss can help you better understand your feelings:

• Denial

When you know you’re going to be fired, but you may not want to face it in the first phase.

“This can’t be true, can it?”

• Anger

You may be angry with your boss, your colleagues or the situation in general. When you lose your job due to things out of your control (such as corona), you may experience feelings of anger because of the situation and because you are the victim.

“Why is this happening to me ?!”

• Negotiate

You want to look for ways to stop the loss of your job; for example by going to the trade union or court.

“I’m going to do everything I can to keep my job!”

• Depression

At some point you become aware of the fact that you have really lost your job. In this phase feelings of depression and stress can develop.

“How will I ever get a new job?”

• Acceptance

In this phase you have accepted that you have lost your job and you regain the space to focus on new possibilities. Those new possibilities will give you new energy, go for it!

Tips for coping with job loss

• Realize you’re grieving. A job is not just about making money, there is much more to it. You make social contacts through your work and it brings structure to your life. The emotions that come with losing a job are totally normal: you lose quite a big part of your life. It is good to realize this and to not push these feelings away.
• Share your feelings with people close to you, such as family or close friends. It is wonderful if your environment understands you and takes your feelings into account. If some people don’t offer you the support you expected from them, don’t get stuck in that, but seek support from others.
• You are not the only one who is experiencing this. You may know others who are or have had the same experience. Talk about it with each other, sharing experiencees can help you.
• Are you going to apply for other jobs? Try and prepare yourself for those and read up on tips that could help you.

Therapy

If you experience a lot of negative feelings due to the loss of your job, you can seek professional help. A psychologist can help you reflect on the negative emotions that can arise because you have become unemployed. You can also work with your psychologist on your self-image and gain new insight into your strengths. Click here for more information about online help via NiceDay.

“It feels like we had a funeral for our job,” is what a friend texted me after our last group session with our manager, dedicated to saying goodbye to our job in the aviation world. 

Less than a year earlier, full of energy and dedication, we had started our course to become a cabin attendant. The world had opened up to us. Passengers from all over the world told us their stories: from refugees from Myanmar to tourists on their way to Rio de Janeiro. On board you were a babysitter, doctor, policeman, waitress and psychologist in one. One week you were having breakfast in Bergen, the next you were running a half marathon in Lima and the week after that you went whale watching in Panama.

Then suddenly Corona happened, the whole world froze and there you were, sitting at home, hearing you have lost your job. The text from my friend and colleague got me thinking. If you lose someone, a grieving process follows. Although the loss of a loved one causes greater grief than the loss of a job, the latter also involves a grieving process. The remark that we had just buried our job came from within.

In this blog I am going to elaborate on this topic and give tips on how to deal with mourning the loss of your job.

Stages of loss

Losing a job evokes various emotions, such as disappointment, frustration, sadness and anger. The following five stages of loss can help you understand your feelings:

1. Denial

If you already know that you are going to be fired, during the first phase you may not be ready to face the reality yet.

“Surely, this can’t be true?“

2. Anger

Maybe you’re angry with your boss, colleagues or with the situation in general. When you lose your job due to a situation out of your control (such as corona), you can experience feelings of anger. You feel you are the victim of the situation.

“Why is this happening to me ?!“

3. Negotiation / Bargaining

You search for ways to keep your job. For example, by going to the union or court.

“I’m going to do everything I can to keep my job!“

4. Depression

At some point, you become aware that you have really lost your job. In this phase, feelings of depression and stress may develop.

“How am I going to find a new job?“

5. Acceptance

In this phase you have accepted that you have lost your job. You start to regain room to focus on new opportunities. This gives you new found energy, and you go for it! 

Tips for dealing with job loss

• Allow yourself to grieve. A job is not just about making money, there is a lot more to it. Through your job you make social contacts and a job can give structure to your life. The emotions involved in losing a job are very normal: you lose a big part of your life. It is good to consider these feelings and to not push them away.
• Share your feelings with people close to you such as family or close friends. It will feel good if your support network understands you and takes your feelings into account. If some people don’t provide you with the comfort you need, don’t linger in the pain it causes, but seek support from others.
• You are definitely not alone in this experience. If you know others who’ve had the same experience, try to talk to them. Recognition and understanding can help you.
• Schedule fixed times to look for new jobs. By doing this you can create a new structure, and in between applying for jobs, make some free time for fun things.
• Allow yourself time to look further into the future. You don’t have to have three job interviews planned, the day after you get fired.
• Adjust your expectations. Look for something that gives you positive energy. That may very well be a different job than the one you had previously. Don’t focus on job titles, but focus on what makes you happy.
• Accept the situation. Through acceptance it is possible to open up to new possibilities.

Moving forward

In our group chat with colleagues we talked about the possibility that everything would be okay again (“Everyone wants to fly again in the summer, right ?!”). About how angry we were at Corona (“We lost our job because of Corona !!”). About our conversations with the unions (“We are all willing to work part-time!”). And about how badly we are going to miss work (“We have lost not only our job, but our entire lifestyle”).

We went through all stages of loss. When the “funeral” was over, positive messages also poured into the group chat. Someone got a job as an anesthesiologist. Another colleague was hired as a civil registrar and yet another started working as a marketing & sales professional. As we made our last trips around the world, new opportunities came our way. Those who had nothing yet were happy for those who did. Being happy that it is going well for someone else, can also give us positive energy. 

Want to read more about grief? Take a look at this blog!

Het leven is net als de getijden van de zee.
Soms komt het op ons af,
soms neemt het stukjes van ons mee…
Nieuw leven komt…
En er is leven dat ons verlaat.

Tussen blijdschap en verdriet
moet je elke dag beseffen
hoe bijzonder en uitdagend het leven is.
Het geeft en neemt elke dag weer…
Zolang je bestaat.

Phases of the grieving process

As described in my previous blog, it is very difficult to let go of a loved one. For the one, the loss of a loved one is harder than for the other. Some people grief for longer or do it in a completely different way. Kubler Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who is known for her pioneering work and her groundbreaking book ‘On Death and Dying‘, has mapped out the various stages of mourning. The first phase consists of shock and disbelief. In this phase someone has to accept the loss rationally and emotionally by being confronted with reality. Then there is a phase of longing and searching. In this phase it is important to allow and experience the emotional pain. The third phase focuses on working through the loss. People often do this by making adjustments to their own lives. The final phase is to complete the processing of the loss by picking up the thread.

What do you encounter?

It is important to first see in which part of the grieving process you are stuck. It is possible that you get stuck in the first two phases; both rationally and emotionally acknowledging that the loss has taken place. Being stuck in this part of the grieving process can indicate that you have avoided grieving. Perhaps out of fear of being overwhelmed by pain and/ or emotions. In this case, it is important to find out what exactly you are avoiding. Are they thoughts or memories, specific places or objects, music, or certain people?

Exposure exercises

When it comes to avoiding things, such as thoughts, challenge yourself to do exposure. By doing exposure exercises you gradually allow what you previously avoided; the reality of the loss of a loved one. It will not be easy to be so intensely involved with the loss, but in the end you will notice that you are more in control over your thoughts, feelings and memories. For processing the loss, it is important that you allow your feelings and thoughts and that you make place for them. Avoidance increases the intensity of your emotions, and by expressing them, they will ultimately decrease. You can do this by asking yourself the following questions and telling them in detail or writing them down.

• How did the days before the death go?
• How did I figured out?
• What happened afterwards?
• How did I feel then?
• What do I miss most now that he or she is dead?

Reminiscing

Go back to the last memory you have with the deceased. Close your eyes and visualize it. Allow your body to feel the feeling that the memory gives you and that this will never happen again. Sometimes it can help to get things or photos to get to the emotions. Music related to certain memories together or from the funeral can also help. It is good to visualize your future. How are things going to be without this person in 5, 10 and 15 years? Do this for half an hour. In this way you have enough time to experience the intense emotions and to sit it out. After that you continue your day. In the beginning it will be difficult, but you will notice that the intensity of emotions, if you allow them, will decrease over time.

Write a letter

It can be helpful to write a letter to your beloved. In this letter write about what you will miss the most for example. Work on this for a week, maximum of half an hour a day.

The future

If you notice that the emotional response is diminishing, you can gradually reduce these types of exercises and think about the extent to which you want to deal with the loss in your life. You can choose, for example, to commemorate him or her every two weeks or just to honor it at certain times (birthdays, death of that person). Try to visualize your future. What would help you to live your life again?

It is also possible that you are not avoiding the loss of a loved one, but that you are constantly preoccupied and dealing with the loss. This way you avoid letting go. Curious about avoiding and letting go? Read the next blog in the mourning series.

“Als je van iemand houdt
en je bent door de dood van elkaar gescheiden,
dan is er op de wereld niets en niemand,
die de leegte van de afwezigheid kan vullen.
Probeer het maar niet, want het zal je nooit lukken.
Aanvaard liever het gemis dat je is overkomen.
Dat klinkt hard, maar het is ook een grote troost,
want zolang de leegte werkelijk leeg blijft,
blijf je daardoor met elkaar verbonden”.
– Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Everyone processes the loss of a loved one differently. Some things are the same and other aspects are completely different when it comes to coping with loss and grief. Some of you may recognize the thoughts that are described in the poem above. Sometimes these kinds of thoughts can make you gloomy for a long time and prevent you from continuing with life. When do we speak of a normal grieving reaction to loss? And when do we speak of grief that has taken on a form that needs help from the outside, also know as complicate grief?

Complicated grief

In general, we talk of complicated grief in the event of serious problems with adaptation to someone’s death, after twelve months have already passed. For example, there may be separation anxiety. This is expressed in an intense desire to be with the deceased, “searching” for the deceased and intense suffering. The desire can be so strong that someone even wants to die so that they are reunited with their beloved ones. It feels like a part of them has died on the inside and the loss is too hard to accept. Life can feel meaningless. The reality of someone’s death is often avoided. As a result, someone can remain bitter and angry, have difficulty trusting others, and they cannot continue life. Anesthesia and flattening of emotions are another way how grief is expressed. Sometimes people can be obsessed with the deceased loved one or events that led to his or her death.

Different forms of grief

With chronic grief, there are clear observable symptoms, which do not diminish over time after a loss. If a grieving reaction is not expressed due to prolonged denial or the strong suppression of emotions, someone is in the stage of denial. Sometimes there is no place for a mourning reaction in the period following the loss. This is called delayed grief. Delayed grief can occur when the priority is to take care of other relatives or to deal with traumatic circumstances surrounding the death (traumatic grief). Delayed grief can occur if (unspoken) family rules about processing the loss of a beloved prevent someone in the family from mourning in their own way.

A small group of people, around 30%, suffer from these kinds of symptoms for a year, but then recover naturally. Less than 10% of the population suffer from complicated grief for a long time and need help from the outside.

Help

Do you recognize yourself in this story? Tell your practitioner or doctor. Complicated grief can be treated well. In my next blog I will give more tips to process your loss based on cognitive behavioral therapy.