We have them all, guilty pleasures. I repeat: we have them all! I repeat again: All of us! One person is ashamed of them , the other is proud of them. This is how I think about ‘guilty pleasures’.
Why are they guilty pleasures?
I listen a lot to music, mainly via Spotify and there are several playlists called: Guilty Pleasure. I once played a list and I started thinking. There are amazing songs in this list, yet it is called a ‘GP list’. ‘Summer of ’69’, ‘Nothing compares to you’ and ‘Kiss from a rose’. As far as I’m concerned, beautiful songs. But also Wannabe, MMMBop and Barbie Girl in the same list, which are songs that make me almost ashamed of being able to sing them word for word. Actually pretty weird, why are you ashamed of something you enjoy? I’ll come back to this.
Ask around
I started by asking people around me. do you have any t GP’s? My best friend told me that he loves crazy horror films like Evil Dead from 1981 and he loves green olives so much, you can even wake him up at night. The music can not be left behind: Tenacious D. I also received: Swirls of Ola, pasta, sex, chocolate, Temptation Island and once in a while watch the Disney film Mulan.
I was curious if people dared to really share their GP’s. But to be honest, most of the answers I’ve heard are abit common , unfortunately.
Is it your guilty pleasure or …?
Do you have a guilty pleasure because you think so? Or is it something that is imposed on you by the rest of the world because they labelled it guilty pleasure? Because what is wrong with the occasional munching of a bag of chips?
Or rock hard with “bad” music in the car with the window open? And what is it about sex? Sex is extremely normal! But if something is not a GP then it is sex, in my opinion.
It is also noticeable that food appears in many answers. As if that is so bad? In my opinion the bars of chocolate, cookies, pastries and chips that were given as an answer to ‘what is your guilty pleasure’, don’t really count.
My GP’S
Now, let me introduce you to mine:
- I love ice lollies in different flavors. Give me 4 of this and I will eat them all, without difficulty.
- Another one: Sushi, you can wake me up for this! I stuff myself completely full when we go to Shabu Shabu and I am ashamed when I step outside again, with my size 6 cm bigger.
- In summer I go for a Martini Bianco with iced tea and ice cubes. Very sweet, alcohol and you drink it like lemonade.
- And Marco Borsato and Britney Spears also belong in this list.
And with this list I mean: a list drawn up because others put these things in the box of ‘guilty pleasures’. I personally do not see them as GPs, but because the large majority think so, you almost believe it yourself! Ok, occasionally I am ashamed of the amount of sushi I can eat, but well. That is part of eating sushi (in my opinion).
Now my real list, about things I really think of: keep the door locked and curtains closed!
- That wine on a Tuesday night after a long day at school. Together with mom on the couch in front of the TV. Delicious, but given the problems I’ve had with alcohol, it really has become something I keep behind closed doors.
- My visits to the bathroom as my boyfriend is taking a shower. Occasionally secretly checking my buttocks. Unfortunately now he knows about it!
- And my worst, most shameful guilty pleasure: a sandwich with Calvé peanut butter light and marshmallow fluff. I feel terribly guilty after eating such a thing, but I like it so much! (And I take the light one because I just like it a lot better and not because it should be better than the non-light version!)
Conclusion
Do not see your enjoy moments as a guilty pleasure because the rest of the world tries to make you believe they are gp’s. Of course, if you have such a sandwich on your list like me, I can imagine you really think you have a GP! But, as long as you enjoy it, you should not care what others might think.! So close the curtains and enjoy your pajama day, take that chocolate bar and eat it with pride and watch that awfully bad movie with your whole group of friends. Who cares!
The songs of this week will also be “wrong”: Stacy Orrico with Stuck and Kevin Lyttle with Turn me on.
Love, Renée
I walk down the street. People are passing by. I see a group of tourists taking a picture of the church. I see young girls shopping alone for the first time. I see men chasing their girlfriends whilst holding their bags. Do they see me? Can they see that I suffer from depression? They can probably feel it when they look into my eyes. The world is running, society is doing what it has to do. In the meantime, I want to press pause. It would be so nice if a pause button actually existed. Then I could just relax, only with myself. I could place the chaos in my head in order, without missing out on life. It is not fair that my depression wasted three years of my life.
I walk down the street. I see a toddler running after a couple of pigeons. His mother is videotaping it. The toddler is having so much fun. I remember my own baby photos. The first photo I think of is one where I walk around the house wearing the sunglasses of my uncle and the shoes of my aunt. How did my mother feel when she made that picture? Did she ever think that her daughter, who was then a year and a half old, would get depressed later in life? Had she ever imagined that that big smile would disappear?
I walk down the street. It is dark outside and the lights are on. I look at the lamp posts and see that one of them is off. It is broken and must be replaced. My lamp post is also broken. Sometimes it blinks, but the blinking is mostly only of short period of time. I have already tried to repair the light in various ways. The first repairman analyzed the problem and figured out a plan to fix it. Yet the repairman did not manage to turn it on again, it was harder than it seemed. He called an even more skilled repairman, but he also did not get my lamp post back on. Together they found out that it was the wiring. All wires are mixed together, causing tension with short circuit as a result. The mechanics must call in the help of an even more skilled repairman to get my lamp post lit again.
I walk down the street. It is still dark. I feel tired. I want to lie down on the ground and not think about anything. My head is filled with cotton wool. Words go through my mind, but I cannot form complete sentences. I want to scream. I want someone to hear me and listen to me. It burns inside me, but nobody can see it. I want to run away, but my feet are nailed to the ground. Helplessly I look around, but people are in a hurry. They do not even see me. I turn around and continue walking.
Love, Ghyta
Last year I was part of an event called Last Man Standing. An initiative of the nonprofit organization MIND. Together with 100 other participants, I endured 6 hours of standing on a pole of 20 cm by 20 cm, in a lake, with a lot of wind. An endurance challenge to visualize the waiting lists in Mental Health care. I never expected to make it to 6 hours, but I did! Together with more than 80 percent of the participants. And when you step off that pole you realize, that with a good cause, a group of motivated people, music and support from the shoreside, you can achieve great things.
This year I will participate again. This time for a mentally healthy youth (MIND YOUNG). Another great cause. Because, whether or not you struggle with something, it is important to know, when you are young, that you can talk about anything. With someone. Without taboo. Without fear of disapproval. Without being seen as weak.
Puberty and young adulthood are, in itself, already turbulent. There are so many things happening, so much to learn, to see, and to experience. So many things that can influence you and so many things you can be. So much to choose, so much to fit in to, and so much to resist. To become your own person is quite the challenge for our youth and their surroundings. But it is a natural process of becoming an adult. And most of us make it to the other end, with a lot of fun too. But still, a lot of young people also will not make it or will not know fun.
My development into adulthood was roughly disrupted by Borderline. An emotion regulation disorder. I could not cope with all this turbulence. I did not know what to do anymore. My emotions became my enemy.
My puberty and young adulthood were dark and hard. A few times I wanted to give up. I did not believe in life anymore, or in that things could be well or were going to be okay (despite how many times people told me they would be). My emotional pain was so intense that I preferred physical pain as a distraction. My life, and clothing style, was black. I wanted to disappear. I did not understand who I was, where or with whom I wanted to fit in, and how this thing called life should be lived. I was consumed by worry, fear, pain, anger and especially desperation.
But that did not show. I finished my gymnasium and 3 college degrees, and started a successful management career. I had friends and played sports. But it often felt empty inside, as if I was not totally there, as myself, living life. And I was tired, so very tired. I did not dare to share this with anybody. Just carry on, I thought. Carry on. Survive.
I still have Borderline. But I am way more than that now. I know who I am. What I am good at, what I like, what I need. And it is so much more than the disorder. You know what is beautiful too? When you start being aware and taking care of the whole person you are, you see that small part of you that once defined you and your life, become smaller and smaller, and manageable. I created space for myself and in this way created more peace and overview. I can be myself now. Now that I am somewhat older (36), I have a lot more overview, I understand better how life works and how I can relate to life in a more peaceful way.
At age 32, I started 18 months of Mentalization Based Therapy. A therapy especially for Borderline. It benefited me greatly. I am lucky that I could and was able to work so much on my struggles, eventually also with help. And this is when I also realized what I had missed when I was younger: support, love and professional help. The period that you need it the most. Especially when you struggle with your mental or physical health. And that is why I recon Last Man Standing and their cause to be so important. The more information is shared and the more we talk about it, the sooner our youth will dare to talk about their struggles too, and the sooner they can get help. I want this out of the taboo and stigmatization. I want more understanding, knowledge and openness. And I want more tools for recognizing mental health problems; for families, at schools, and in groups of friends. And for ourselves. The sooner we know something is not right, the more opportunities we get to create better quality of life and lights at the end of the tunnel.
Last Man Standing will take place on June 23rd at the Markermeer. I will try to stand for 6 hours again. And you can also participate! You can register at www.doemeemetmind.nl (click on ‘ik wil meedoen’). You can participate with my team or start your own team. My team is registered under ‘Team Bouwke’. You are very welcome to join!
Walking across the street you see the guy who tried to hit on you in the pub. Quickly you hide behind a bush because you are not ready for the confrontation. A few days later you see him again, again you hide behind a bush so he can not approach you. But after many successful avoidances, you could not avoid him anymore: you are chatting with a friend and suddenly he taps on your shoulder.
This fictional story represents the topic that I want to talk about today: avoidance. This is something that I am an experienced expert in. The boy in the story represents the emotions with the associated pain. The bush stands for avoiding confrontation and chatting with a friend represents an enjoyable activity.
There are those days that you just do not feel well. The days are long and you have to drag yourself through them. Moreover, you are confronted with negative thoughts and the accompanying emotions. On a scale of 1 to 10 the gloom is 10+. To protect yourself, you focus on other activities such as sports or gaming. In my case, avoidance was full of plans, especially during the day. During the week I made sure that I was either studying or working. At the weekend I met up with friends or went to parties. In this way I did not have time to think about everything that was going on inside me at that moment. At those moments I did not have to feel my emotions and therefore did not allow them. It felt so good! I got the illusion that everything went fine and that I was doing a good job. However, after two weeks this got too much for me. The sadness, the anger and the fear tapped on my shoulder and could no longer be avoided. I collapsed completely and it took longer than those two weeks of avoidance to get back in balance. I had to face the confrontation: now.
I now understand that avoiding your emotions and even a depression is not the answer. It will just get worse. At times like now, things sometimes go wrong and I catch myself that I am avoiding again. The difference with a few months ago is that I can recognize it. As a result, I am not avoiding two weeks, but ‘only’ two days, so that I do not collapse completely. When I notice I am doing it again, I tell myself: stop and think, is this the way you want it to be? Avoidance does not help, it only makes things worse.
It is difficult to unlearn something that you have been doing for a long time, but if you really want to get better, you have to break through those patterns. That will go by trial and error, but the result will be more than worth it.
Everything that drowned me, taught me how to swim – Jenim Dibie
Love, Ghyta
We had plans, we had dreams, we had a longing,
for our future.
Now there is only homesickness.
Three years. Three years I was able to experience being together with my biggest love up till now. I miss him. I miss us. I miss our future. I long for it.
I have a broken heart.
But I also feel homesick.
Homesick is translated as experiencing a longing for one’s home during a period of absence. My love for him felt like coming home. Our future, with everything we wanted to be together, feel together and do together, felt like home. It still does. When you decide that you will not move through live together anymore, that future vanishes. And so does the feeling of coming home. There is going to be a new future. A new home. But I don’t want that. I want to go home. I am homesick for our future.
What can I do about these homesick feelings? I wondered. I decided to consult the all-knowing internet about homesickness. Maybe it could help me.
I came across an interesting article; the psychology of homesickness.
In this article the writer explains that homesickness is a reaction of stress of our body. It’s a natural emotional reaction to leaving a safe and familiar environment. Symptoms mirror those of anxiety and depression. Also, you can literally be ill from homesickness, like having headaches, belly pains, tiredness, feeling short of breath, etc. Well, that’s a check for me. Sounds all too familiar.
Another interesting detail that caught my eye, is the difference between cats and dogs feelings of being homesick. It’s the difference between being homesick for places and being homesick for people. I am obviously a dog homesick kind of person. I attach to feelings, energy and people. Not being able to come home to a loved person unleashes the homesick dog in me.
Scrolling through the homesick internet I also find that certain personality traits influence homesickness. For example, when you do not cope well with big changes, you have a bigger chance of experiencing being homesick. But, also, for example, a forced departure enlarges this chance.
I recognized a lot of things. So, a more important question followed; What to do about it?
Distraction is the most obvious option and is the one thing that kept coming back in everything I read. Homesickness is not a feeling that is constantly present. Especially when you have nothing to do or when you do not have people around you, it can grab you by the throat.
I also found out that accepting and not being ashamed of this feeling is helpful. Feeling homesick is normal. It does not mean that you are weak. Share your feelings with people you love. Let them help you.
Think positive. Try to think about the good things and pros of being away. And, good to know, feeling homesick enhances everything good about your home environment. This results in you feeling unhappy and sad in the here and now.
Last but not least, and a cheesy but important one; these feelings need time to lessen. Blegh.
There are other tips to be found in dealing with feeling homesick, like, try to keep a similar day pattern as you do at home, take familiar stuff with you, write a postcard home, and try to prepare yourself for where you are going, make it a little familiar beforehand. These tips are less fitting for me right now, but certainly worth looking at when you are someone that experiences homesickness when you leave for vacation or stay-overs at friends or family.
This small research about homesickness was, for me, a lovely process. It is always a good thing to think about what you feel, where these feelings come from and how you can help yourself. In this way you give yourself attention, care and love.
It gave me a lot of insight and also a peace of mind. My feelings are universal. They need time. And, especially, they are allowed to be. I am allowed to be. Homesick and everything.
So, time to head off into distraction 😉
X Bouwke
From the moment we were back from Norway, S.C. started browsing the internet. He often looks around to find something nice. Tools, engines, oldtimers. And I join him now and then, because he always knows where to look. And it speaks to me too. Tinkering, an old-timer. It would be so wonderful to crawl behind the wheel of such a car!
As a little girl
For as long as I can remember, I have loved cars and motorbikes. As a kid I sometimes joined my father to work on Saturdays, he works at Ford. I helped him polish cars in the showroom or wash the cars with the mechanics outside when the weather was good. I always enjoyed being between the tools and the smell of oil and gasoline. I also liked to go on the motorbike with my father or grandfather. I still remember a very warm ride to Scheveningen. I was on the motorbike with my neighbor and my step-sister with my father. Biking through traffic and in leather pants on the terrace. It made me feel so cool!
When my father started to build his Westfield (kitcar) in the garage, I wanted to come along. When I visited the garage for the first time I was overwhelmed with what was there. And when the body of the Crafter was loaded, I was amazed to see that it had fit. When I think back, I get a smile on my face.
Then the first time I was allowed to drive in that Westfield, it gave a real kick. When we had a drink at the pub, we got quite some attention from other people. A nice car and I, as a little lady, behind the wheel. My father and I even laugh about it today. I think he was and still is a little proud of his daughter who is crazy about cars.
Now it is my turn
A few weeks ago I received a message from S.C .: What do you think about this car? We looked for it on the Internet a bit and I ran into some nice things. We then sent some cars back and forth and suddenly he said: I am seriously looking, then soon you will have a car to ride when the weather is bad. Okay, so we’re looking for an oldtimer?! Unfortunately I did not get him crazy enough about a Ford Mustang. But before I knew it we were visiting our first potential oldtimer. A bright orange Opel Ascona. But unfortunately it needed too much work, so we did not get it. The next one Opel Kadett, S.C. also did not like it. So we also left this car for what it was.
Then I got a link via Facebook. I looked at the photos and read some information. S.C. said: Do not mind the colors at this moment, I think that something really beautiful can be made of this. So you guessed it, a day later we spent almost 2 hours in the car to get there and take a look.
We were enthusiastically received and when I saw the car, I tried to imagine what it would be like painted and with the seats in place. Because now the car has three colors, only the steering wheel and the engine block in it (even the windows are in the trunk!) It looks very nice, but I’m not trying to be too enthusiastic because I’m not the one who has to work on the car to get it proper again. I see something about S.C. his gaze and have the idea that he also sees it. We agree to have contact with the owner the next morning. And on the way home we both get enthusiastic. We can certainly make something beautiful out of this.
It is time!
The next morning I get an app: I sent a message that we want to take the car. I am of course close to jumping through the roof. The current owner has a hard time selling the Opel, he has the car for 7 years now and drove it a lot. During the retrieval last Wednesday, I also noticed that he was emotional. But we have ensured him that we will take good care of it and that we will keep him informed of the progress. In addition, we had to promise him that we will come by when the car is ready. Of course! The car ends up well and I am finally going to learn how to tinker!
Last weekend we started packing all parts safely. The car is now almost completely empty. Now we are going to circle all unevenness so that everything can be made even. Then the tinkering and dyeing starts. From red to pink! Because yes, I was the one to choose the color. Fortunately, S.C. already suspected that it would then be that color, I did not even have to say it. I had to laugh about that. He knows me too well!
This is our new project, I am really looking forward to it and can not wait until it is finished! M. thanks for your trust in us. We will make something beautiful out of it and come by when it is finished.
The song of this week is: Summer nights by John Trevolta and Olivia Newton-John. This song fits with the image I have on the finished car: a pink Opel Kadett from 1968.
Love, Renée
Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Never felt a feeling of comfort
All this time, I’ve been hiding….
…I’m in need of a savior, but I’m not asking for favors
My whole life, I’ve felt like a burden
I think too much and I hate it…..
….I’ve been quiet for too long
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for so long
(Marshmello ft. Khalid – Silence)
This song hits so many sore spots on the skin of my life. The fighting, the hiding, the absence of love and the feeling of being a burden.
When I was younger there only was silence for my true and complete self. Because I was fighting a loud and violent war. At first you think you are fighting the world and everything in it, but slowly you discover that the main fight is raging inside of yourself. You have a silent killer in you: your own brain and chemistry. It is fighting everything you are or want to become. Slowly spreading darkness.
I used to have so much anger, pain and fear. Fighting seemed the only thing to keep me alive. But it is not. It had nothing to do with living or being alive. It is survival. So many people fight their way through life. It seems something we are programmed to do. To fight adversity and pain. And, honestly, I don’t know if I made it up to here if I had not fought. It was the only way I knew. But you cannot fight forever. It wears you out and exhausts you. Till there is nothing but a hollow shell.
I was in need of a savior. And there was only one. Me.
The moment I realized this, I stopped to just assess the situation (I had too, because I could literally sleep for 3 years), I started my transformation from fighter to lover. That was three years ago.
Looking back on this period, I can distinguish 4 important phases.
- Diagnosis and acceptance
I went to a psychologist of my choosing and was as open as I could be. I got my diagnosis and the process of acceptance of being ill started. - Action and commitment – therapy and medication
Together we chose an 18 months’ treatment to start a healing and coping process. I also got medication to stabilize my moods and thoughts a little. It took commitment to finish what I started. Commitment to myself. I floated somewhere in between fighting and loving. - The whole picture – seeing myself and loving her
After therapy I traveled the world, alone. To get to know myself better. The whole me. Not only the fighter of a disease, but also the other silent one. The process of love started. I gave myself a chance to start over. - Changing my life
During my travels I learned so much about myself. Who I was, but also what I needed. I am trying to organize and life my life in a way that fits me. That is the most loving thing you can give yourself. And eventually others. Because when the fighting stops or lessens, you have a lot of true loving energy left-over.
Having named these four phases, I want you to know that transformation and change are not easy, as love and life are not. Not now and, even, not ever. And that transformation and life are circles. You will encounter situations or events that will force you to make a transformation, again, and again. Just aging alone will trigger those. There will always be bumps, large and small. We need to see and live these ‘ugly’ and painful sides of life too. But that does not mean that you can’t love life. It’s the whole experience that will hopefully end up to be beautiful.
For me, right now, life is difficult. I can say I feel lost in phase 4. I have gained knowledge, but to organize this knowledge into a new state of being is proving to be very hard.
All I can do, I think, is try to see the good in this too. To look back and see that chaos always gave me a new balance, eventually. I should have faith in that.
If you want to transform, promise yourself work and commitment. Look at yourself and others with love, forgiveness and kindness. And please give yourself time. Your feelings, pace, and journey are valid and only yours to discover. Do not compare yourself to others to fight yourself, compare to love or learn from the differences.
If you are currently fighting something or everything, try to transform fighting into loving. I know it will give you your life back and help you get through everything life will throw at you.
Like Mahatma Ghandi said, “where there is love, there is life”. And I belief it to be true. You will always find more strength in love than in fight.
Have a loving journey!
You have heard me say it multiple times before: try something new. It is fun and it can make you feel passionate about something. Getting away from your daily obligations for a while. I feel this way this during motorcycling and dancing. Putting the busy life aside to enjoy the moment.
But sometimes things get on your path that you do not see coming. When I met my current partner, he said he is a fanatic cyclist. I did not care that much about cycling, so I told him that I would lie in the sun until he would be back.
Give it a try
But then there came a day when he said: “Oh, honey, come here.” He handed me a bike during a weekly dinner with my in-laws. And it was the start of my biking experience.
The bike was of my father-in-law. It was too big for me, but it was good enough. I thought it would be nice to try it, just to see if I liked it too.
The first ride
I was completely ready to go and accustomed to the idea that I would go cycling. My very first time on the bike! Nervous and a little bit uncomfortable, I step on my bike and cycle behind my partner. A little anxious, I look at the thin tires… worried that the tires will get stuck between two tiles, and that I would off my bike.
After the first five kilometers I realize that this is actually quite nice. I have no idea how it will be in 30 kilometers, but we will see! We cycle through the dunes and I start to relax and enjoy it more and more. I forget to drink some water on the way, so after half an hour I start to feel a little dehydrated. But this did not spoil the fun.
Worth repeating
When we got home, I did not feel that tired. I actually had a nice time. I can feel the freedom on the bike that my boyfriend told me about. And like this, I can broaden my horizon and also work out. I was so enthusiastic about it that I jumped on my bike the next day again. But this time I went alone, again for 30 kilometers.
A big surprise
After a few times, it became more and more fun. My partner and I were having dinner with my mother one day and I heard him say: I am going to get something for Renée tomorrow, but it is a surprise. I had to wait for two days, but when the moment was there I was so surprised! He gave me my own bike!
The bike still needed a lot of adjustments, but that did not stop the enthusiasm. Next season I can use my own bike! One that is tailor-made and also completely to my liking.
Two weeks ago I could finally start biking on my own bike. The weather was awful, so the first kilometers were hard. The bike is not big, the wheel is not too far from the front, which works perfect for me!
I took a beautiful route along the water and through the fields together with S.C.. I told him that I did not want to cycle for 50 kilometers, but you guessed it: after 55 kilometers we were finally home. To give you an impression; that is two and a half hours of cycling !!
Slightly grumpy I ask him why we cycled that far. The answer was: because I know you can and to build up until 85 kilometers.
Training for the good cause
Last Monday the weather was great. So I went cycling on my own. A beautiful route along the water, around Schiphol, through the fields back home. A new passion was born, even though I did not even like cycling at first. The enthusiasm of my partner has been contagious. So contagious, that I am now training to cycle the Tour de Rotterdam. A ride to raise money for research on cancer. As you know, my father is ill, this is why I am going to cycle for him. If everything goes well, I might be fit enough to cycle a bit longer. But I will see. Now first I want to reach 85 kilometers!
The song of this week is: OK from Ilse DeLange. A wonderful song, the song gives me the same kind of energy as when I am on the bike. Thank you honey, for introducing me to the world of cycling. Something we can do together and I really enjoy. I love to share this with you! Cheers to a good season with lots of kilometers!
Love, Renée x
The monster called PTSD has a tight grip on me lately. I feel reared and want to run very fast to get the tension out of my body. My mind is in the past while my body is in the present. I am afraid of every little thing: a door that suddenly opens, a car that honks or an unexpected sound. I feel like I am constantly on guard and ready to flee. I experience PTSD in combination with depression as very tough. When both are present, it feels like an impossible fight against two big monsters. They only have to give me a little push, and I am down. That is what is happening at that moment. I feel completely disorganized and above all, I forget everything since my thoughts are somewhere else. I am more quiet than normal and do not feel like talking. I prefer to be alone and listen to music so that I do not have to face the past. Yet I know that I should not give in to those monsters. But actually doing that is something else. At these moments I should ask for help from the people around me, yet I do not do this. Do you recognize this?
Asking for help is difficult
Asking for help can be difficult if you are not used it. Sometimes I forget that I do not have to face things alone. Social support is so important when you are having a hard time. I wonder why I find it so difficult to ask for help from people around me when I am in a bad place. Is it because I am ashamed? Am I ashamed of having two mental disorders? This is partly true. I want to be open about it, but at the same time I am ashamed to talk about it. Do I not ask for help because I do not want to burden people? Yes. This is completely true. I prefer to solve my problems myself instead of talking to someone about it. But, deep down in my heart, I want to tell my story when it gets too much to handle. I faced this problem recently. There was a moment when I had to ask for help. After worrying about it a lot, I finally did it and it felt very good. I did not have to face my feelings alone anymore. I also noticed that the other person did not mind it at all. She really liked to know what is going on inside me. Together we discussed how she could help me and what I like and what I do not like. In this way, asking for help felt natural!
What I want to say is: asking for help in difficult times is OK! You are not alone. There are plenty of people who want to help you, in whatever way. Often you know very well who you are and whom can help you. It is good to have a safety net with a few people that you can call / app / mail, etc. for when you can not handle it alone anymore. You are only human. And unfortunately, we do not have super powers to make the difficulties disappear. So ask for help! You do not have to do this alone.
I do not feel very much like Pooh today,” said Pooh. “There, there,” Piglet said. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do. – from Winnie the Pooh from A.A. Milne
Love,
Ghyta
Deadlines make us happy! In many magazines, web blogs or advisory sites about working well, I read that deadlines are an effective and efficient way to be productive. They would encourage us and give us energy.
But the thing I see is that we are making ourselves crazy all the time – and that we are fooled – with the idea that ‘getting the most out of life’ is good for you. When we meet, we always say: “Hi, how are you? Yes good, well, busy. Oh that’s good; yes, I am also busy. ” Having your calendar well-organized and in check, your time efficiently managed, means you have a good life. It is a perfectly heard ideal. Yet, that we want to get the most out of our lives is particularly good for employers. That is not ridiculous, because they benefit from effective and efficient employees. But whether it is good for us remains a forgotten question.
In the media they always sell it so nicely:
The big advantage of working with deadlines is that you stay in your momentum, because you constantly work towards the next point and you are under pressure, you can not afford to let your head hang and pace down; perform and pushing through is becoming a necessity instead of a need. (Winst.nl)
Who would not want to stay in his momentum and look forward to the next point on your To-Do list? Letting your head hang down? No, we want to push through because we want to show how motivated we are, to ourselves and to those who are important to us. Preferably under pressure. Yes, yes, who doesn’t want that?
The power of a deadline and the adrenaline rush that goes with it is motivation for them. By setting a deadline yourself, you can get the most out of yourself in a short time. (Intermediair)
A deadline, so we are told, creates momentum, energy and motivation. It is a good carrot-and-stick, or is it just a stick to hit us? Did we trade the whip for a nicer sounding idea? No, no, a deadline just encourages you to make a tight schedule, say the work gurus. That makes your boss’ (sorry: your!) life a lot more pleasant. And so we eagerly take over new ten commandments, in the form of 5 tips, 7 tricks, or 10 do’s & don’ts.
Obligation is called willingness
Let’s try to be honest: a deadline is simply an obligation. An obligation imposed on us by someone else with power. Let’s not make it more beautiful than it is. But of course these days we do not want to experience it like that. Life, and therefore also working, must be fun. We prefer to create an ‘optimistic’ language; instead of the oppressive ‘obligating’ we like to say and hear: ‘motivating yourself’. After all, we see ourselves as autonomous individuals with our own free will. As people who do & don’t because we ourselves wish it so. That works better than realizing that someone else imposes it on us, obligates us. This is how willingness is replaced by obligation, while it goes on under its old name.
And is it really that effective? As long as we continue to believe that we want it ourselves, and as long as we accept it as a matter of fact, we like to put our best foot forward. Driven we show how effective and efficient we are. After all, we are proud to work as if we are the CEO of our own lives. The fact that we at the end of the day drop worn-out on the couch, drinking a wine before bed, eventually getting a burn-out or falling into a depression, is a private problem. And, well, after a weekend of meditation, yoga or happiness festival – payed for by the boss – we can start afresh again. Do not let your head hang down. Stay in your momentum and meet your deadlines energetically!
Values Compass
That we have to do (sorry: want!) every possible thing, follows from the enormous high expectations we have of life. Especially the new generation is maddened by the infinite possibilities that life has to offer, by the idea that you can become anything you want to be, that the chances are up for grabs if you plan your activities well. Why do we want all that?
Because we all need recognition and appreciation. Recognition for our exceptional commitment and performance. The kind of beauty we have made and the special person we are. Nobody wants to be a mediocre cog in an unseen way, in an organization that only pursues its own interests. Personal values, goals and meaning form the compass with which we determine our actions and set our standards.
Values are much more important than the so called motivating carrot-and-stick. Instead of accepting new ten commandments, I prefer to ask myself the most important questions first. Questions like: Why do I really want this? What is really important now? Why do I actually have to meet that deadline? Who really expects what of me? What fair values lei behind it? Are these my values or those of the other? What are the consequences if I do it and what if I do not? And what do I think of that?
In the end it’s more about why we do something and less about what we do; because we have to do it anyway.
