Courage is the savior that marches alongside us when fear shows up. It can inspire bursts of boldness that help us speak our minds, follow our hearts, and bare our souls to others. Without it, we can’t grow or thrive. Sometimes we get caught up in the mistaken notion that being courageous means overcoming fear. But courage isn’t looking past fear; it’s recognizing and even embracing it. Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s being scared, worried, unsure, and ready to run, and yet still finding a way to do what you really want to do, what others need you to do, or what you believe is right—despite all that fear. But how do you cultivate the courage to be vulnerable?
The Call to Courage
Bestselling author and research professor Dr. Brené Brown believes that you have to be willing to lean into your discomfort to invoke love into your life while discovering joy and finding a sense of belonging. That’s the topic she explores in her new Netflix special, Brené Brown: The Call to Courage, where she reveals how she too struggles to confront embarrassment head-on. Brown’s special highlights the link between courage and vulnerability, which she describes as “having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.” The special is available to watch now.
Here are a few lessons that we learnt about courage and vulnerability from the special.
1. Courage is not a sign of weakness
Vulnerability allows people to assess fearlessness. “Vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage, and we literally do that as researchers. We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you’re willing to be”, according to Brown.
2. There are many benefits to opening up
Brown sees vulnerability as the “birthplace” of things like love and joy. After highlighting the risks of love, Brown asked the audience: “Are you 100% sure that person will always love you back, will never leave, will never get sick? How many of you have every buried someone you love? How many of you have lost someone you love?”. In addition, to love is to be vulnerable. To give someone your heart and say, ‘I know this could hurt so bad, but I’m willing to do it; I’m willing to be vulnerable and love you,’ that is vulnerability.
3. Vulnerability is inescapable
“You do vulnerability knowingly or vulnerability does you”, said Brown. Even those who think they are avoiding being vulnerable are in fact experiencing the emotion. You cannot avoid being vulnerable according to Brown. You can try to avoid it but *spoiler alert* it will haunt you down either way.
4. Don’t be scared to be happy
“I’m here to tell you that joy is the most vulnerable of all human emotions. We are terrified to feel joy. We are so afraid that if we let ourselves feel joy, something will come along and rip it away from us, and we will get sucker-punched by pain and trauma and loss. So that, in the midst of great things, we literally dress rehearse tragedy. Often we’re afraid to be grateful for what we have, especially in front of people who’ve gone through great trauma and loss because we think it’s insensitive”, said Brown.
Be vulnerable
Stop blaming fear for stopping you and recognize the strange paradox that exists: your fears will never completely disappear, and you will never win the battle against them. When you can finally accept fears and invite them in, it makes courage more accessible.
And be vulnerable. It leads to courage. Sharing your fears and anxieties with others can make them seem far less scary and insurmountable. You’ll soon realize you’re not alone, and once you feel the strength of a community surrounding you and the empathy of others who understand your situation, it’ll be easier to take that leap.
Belonging in a time of increasing contradictions? Brené Brown delves into this topic in her book ‘Braving the Wilderness; The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone’ (2018), published by Ebury Publishing. What does that mean? Do we have to change who we are?
Belonging
Brené Brown teaches us that really belonging is not something that we negotiate or achieve together with others. Belonging does not require us to change who we are. On the contrary, it requires us to be who we are.
You belong if you want to be somewhere and the others want you, exactly as you are. You only really belong if you are accepted for who you are. If you adapt, you will be accepted because you are the same as the rest and there will be no genuine connection.
If you are a member of a group, it does not immediately mean that you belong. Brené states that you only really belong if you dare to be vulnerable. Yes, that can be uncomfortable. You have to find your place. To really belong, you don’t have to sacrifice who you are. And that requires trust and courage!
Trust in others
First of all, it requires trust in others. Brené Brown explains that you can ask each other for the following:
- Limits: Respect my limits, if you are unsure about my limits, ask me.
- Reliability: You do what you say, you are honest and you know where priorities lie.
- Responsibility: If you make mistakes, face them and try to make up for it again.
- Confidentiality: You keep things that you should not share for yourself. It is important that I know that you are not passing on things.
- Integrity: You choose courage over convenience, you choose values and norms for things that are quick or easy.
- Don’t judge: I can ask for what I need and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about what we feel without judgement.
- Generosity: You open yourself to the intentions, words and deeds of others and you assume the best.
Trust yourself
But there is more than only trust. It is also important to have confidence in yourself and to occasionally consider:
- Limits: Have I respected my limits? Have I been clear about what is okay for me and what is not?
- Reliability: Have I been reliable? Did I do what I said?
- Responsibility: Have I taken my responsibility?
- Confidentiality: Have I respected confidentiality and shared things appropriately?
- Integrity: Have I acted fairly?
- Don’t judge: Did I ask for what I needed? Have I been non-judgmental about the fact that I needed help?
- Generosity: Have I been open and loving towards myself?
Courage
To belong somewhere we have to break down our own walls, leave our own “ideological bunkers” and live from our hearts, instead of fear or pain. We cannot assume that someone else is doing this for us, we must all find our own way. This will not always be fun or easy. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable and unfair.
It is about learning to listen, having difficult conversations, sharing pain, seeking joy and being curious rather than defensive while being vulnerable and looking for togetherness at the same time.
Do you dare to be vulnerable?
I went skydiving last month. Yes me. Anyone who knows me a little might think, you?! However, I chose to jump with some of my colleagues.
Choices, choices
In office there had been talk about skydiving for months, one of my colleagues had once been and he strongly advised us to do it once too. Slowly I decided to join. Two days before the spring day, I bought my ticket as last one of the group. From that moment on, I slept badly every night. I was so nervous, partly subconscious. The night before jumping I literally did not sleep. The whole ride to Texel and while waiting for our springmoment I have been in my own head, sunk in my own mind.
Coping with the tension
Although our group of 9 had a great time, everybody handled their nervousness in their own way. Some asked a lot of questions, to the people of the center, to each other. Occasionally a big sigh here and there. And doubts. I think I have heard and said the sentences “What are we doing?”, “Why are we doing this?” about 50 times.
I was mainly “surviving” until the moment of the jump. And then it’s time: put on your jumpsuit and your armor and walk over to the plane. Halfway to the plane you meet your tandemmaster. The person responsible for your jump.
On the plane
A funny, happy man walks up to me and says, “May I be your tandemmaster?”. Of course I answer. While I think again, what am I doing? Still in my mind, along with my tandemaster, I continue to the plane. When seated, I can finally enjoy: I can not turn back anyway.
The view is incredibly beautiful, jokes are made, you enjoy the people around you. Happy, nervous, happy, nervous. I’m at the front of the plane, which means I’m one of the first to jump. Second of my group to be precise.
The plane must reach 9000 feet / 3 km before the first one is allowed to jump. Suddenly the door opens. My heart stops for a while (it feels like that anyway), between me and the door is just one of my colleagues with his tandemmaster. In front of me is the cameraman and beside him is a boy who is going to jump alone. The boy jumps first, within 1 second he is out of sight. Like being sucked in a vacuum hole.
My turn
And then it my turn. Before I know it, I’m on the edge of the plane and I jump: with my head first! The free fall takes about 30 seconds and passes before I even notice.
Once the parachute opens, there is silence, rest and an indescribable feeling all at once. Really, like you’re flying. The view is great! My tandemmaster lets me determine the direction of the parachute for a while, and I fully enjoy the descent.
Enjoy the ride
Once on the ground, I can finally relax. Afterwards I think to myself: why all the stress? I wanted to jump? Sure, just about everyone is scared to jump out of an airplane. But once you made the choice to do it, why not accept and experience it? And it was not so scary after all! So I proved myself again that fear should not determine your life, you do not know what it’s gonna be like, so what are you trying to accomplish with letting fear and stress control your days?
Why I think everybody has to jump once, Will Smith might better explain:
How often do you talk about how you feel? Daily? Rarely? Everybody does this differently: Some people are huge talkers, others find it more difficult to talk about their feelings. Usually it takes some courage to communicate with someone about how you feel. You expose yourself and that is not easy!
Why do people talk about their feelings
Sometimes it is hard to know what you feel yourself, let alone that you can sense what someone else is feeling. We could try to read their mind, but it is likely that we are plain wrong. In every relationship, if it is with a good friend, a family member, or a partner, it is important that you know what the other person is experiencing, feeling and thinking. And how do you find this out…? You might have guessed it already: by talking!
What’s in it for you?
By talking you can find out what the other person thinks and feels, and he/she finds out what you are thinking and feeling. In this way, you will both find out what you need from each other, causing to receive more support and understanding from each other. This leads to a better relationship. When you find it difficult to talk about your feelings, it is of value to work on your communication skills by practice.
Tips
To practice with expressing your feelings, here are a couple of tips:
- Discover your feelings: When you find it difficult to express your feelings, it is likely that you are not very sure about what you feel exactly. Writing down your feelings is a clever way to learn more about your feelings. Try to write down what you feel or what you’re dealing with. In this way you will learn, in peace and time, to put your feelings into words. This will probably lead to an easier expression of your feelings to someone else.
- Work on your self confidence: Not only a strong bond between two people is important for expressing your feelings. Having confidence in yourself is also important. With more self confidence you are less scared to expose yourself or to get hurt. Our article about self confidence might be interesting for you, check this link.
- Talk to someone that you really trust: Is there someone in your surroundings that you deeply trust, with whom you feel completely safe? Try talking to this person, for example that you find it hard to talk about your feelings. In this way you can practice with exposing yourself.
- Use the “I-message”: When you talk about feelings, try using the “I-message” rather than the “you-message”. In this way you can talk about your own feelings, without the chance of hurting the other person. For example: “I feel…” instead of “You make me feel…”.
Do not expect that these tips will allow you to fully open yourself up to other people. It is a process that you have to work on each day, but eventually your work will pay off. Have some faith, create some courage!
“I´d love to skip over the hard stuff, but it just doesn´t work.
We don´t change, we don´t grow, and we don´t move forward without the work.
If we really want to live a joyful, connected and meaningful life,
we must talk about things that get in the way.” – Brené Brown
NiceDay app
Plan a moment to talk with someone you trust. Describe in the app how you feel daily, take your time! Then you automatically become better at expressing your feelings.
You might recognize this: you feel uncomfortable in a room filled with a lot of people or you blush when you meet someone for the first time. It is human to feel nervous or anxious in social situations. However, there are also people who experience intense anxiety during such situations. You may be afraid to behave in a certain way or to exhibit anxiety symptoms (such as blushing, trembling or sweating). You are afraid that others will judge you negatively because of these symptoms. The fear of a negative impression also has an influence on how you come across to others. It sometimes seems like you are, for example, weird or boring, while this does not have to be the case at all! As a rule, social anxiety is characterized by fear and discomfort in many different social situations.
Do you experience social anxiety? You can improve considerably by applying the tips below! (If you still have trouble, do not hesitate and ask for help!)
Just do it!
As long as you stay at home in your safe environment and keep avoiding social situations, the fear will continue to exist. When you are anxious in a social situation, there is always a moment when the fear diminishes or even disappears. During a social situation, try to focus on this moment of decline in fear. You have to trust that this moment will happen. Once you no longer resist your fear and no longer avoid it, you learn to not be afraid of social situations anymore. The best way to get rid of your fear is to place yourself in a social situation. Before you encounter such situation, you can think to yourself: ‘What is the worst thing that can happen to me? To turn red in public? So what!!’ The more you expose yourself to social situations, the better you will be able to deal with such situations.
You matter
‘If I say something, everyone will think I am stupid.’ ‘If I start a conversation with these people, the color of my face will turn bright red.’ These are thoughts that can play up when you encounter a social situation. It is important to be aware that you have the same rights and you are just as valuable as everyone else, this means that you are not better or less than anyone else. There is no reason to compare yourself with others because you are unique in your own way! So dare to take your place and to stand up for yourself!
Create trust in yourself
In order to achieve this, it is important that your self-confidence increases. This does not happen overnight. So give yourself some time, your self-confidence needs time to grow. Now we are back at point 1 ‘Just do it.’ Go out of your comfort zone and show yourself that you can do it. Before you leave your comfort zone, you can think of a situation from the past where you have succeeded in dealing well with your fear. You must have relied on yourself back then, otherwise you did not come to that victory! Perhaps the sweat broke you out a number of times during social situations, but no one is flawless. After all, we are only human!
