Worrying about the past and fearing the future

Thank you for your detailed story! I'll try to offer some advice, but I'd also like to state that I feel your requests for help deserve more than just my response and brief advice. That is why I would advise you to get professional help so that you get the support you deserve. It sounds as if there is a diversity of things that deserve more attention than just my written response. You could register with Sol Psychotherapie at https://sol-psychotherapie.nl/.
For now I would like to give you the following:

• Tension is often caused by a lack of relaxation. Tension can arise on the one hand from physical exercise, but also from internal processes such as worrying. It can therefore help on the one hand to reduce physical exercise (think of a balanced working day, a warm bath, massage), but on the other hand to promote relaxation through enjoyable activities (visiting friends, exercising, reading).
• Of course you can also train yourself to relax. Take a look at our Relaxation library! https://niceday.app/library/relaxation/
• What also connects to the part that you don't really know what you want and choices, is making a life balance. With this exercise you can indicate how important you find certain parts in your life and figure out how much energy and time you invest in them. You can use any contrasts as a starting point to change something. You can find the exercise here: https://niceday.app/library/in-behandeling/algemene-informatie-nl-in-behandeling/oefening-levensbalans/  

I hope this helps you get started a bit!

Regards,

Wouter