Thank you for submitting your question. It’s so nice how you share this. You have seen and experienced a lot in your life. Ever since you were little you’ve known what it is like to be exposed to insecurity, stress and danger. Right now you’re in an unhealthy relationship and it is very difficult to break free from it.
What you describe and experience is not an unusual situation. Because what we often see is that as a person, you’re attracted to the people and situations you know. So, unhealthy relationships from your childhood often continue in unhealthy relationships in your adult life. When you’re less or not familiar with love and safety, and you’re more familiar with insecurity, you’ll also be more inclined to approach unsafe situations or people. If you grew up in an unsafe situation, or if you often got the idea that you can't do anything right, it can start to feel normal. You started to believe that things are your fault. You often see that people start to doubt themselves and their own perceptions.
It's super brave of you to submit your question because you don't have to do it alone. Lovely to read that you know what you need, I agree with what you say. I advise you to get professional help so that you get the support you deserve. There is a lot going on at the moment and a lot has happened in the past. If you are interested in treatment via NiceDay, you can do so at various healthcare institutions. This is possible, for example, at PsyQ, Sol Psychotherapie, MiSi NeuroPsy, Synaeda and i-psy or you can visit your GP and he/she can tell you more about the possible options.
If you have any further questions, I'd be happy to hear from you!