‘’This is an open letter to everyone I disappointed by not showing up, not calling back, not answering, not emailing back, lying about that I will, and not being there when you needed me.
I understand your emotions and thoughts about that. I feel them too. Disappointment, frustration, anxiety and maybe even anger.
I understand you for letting me go, not giving me a second or a third or a tenth chance. I understand you for not trusting me anymore, for closing your heart and friendship a little.
I want you to know that I am sorry I disappointed you. I know I did not have the intention to. But I also know, that sometimes that does not matter.
I want to thank you, if you are still here. If you stand by me. I know our bond could be deeper and better. And I want to give us that.
I am going to”

I wrote this letter some time ago. It represents one of the harshest struggles I have (had) with the reality of borderline, depression and anxiety. Communication.
Letting chances go by, as I lay in bed, not wanting to be a part of this world, not feeling I can do anything right or be anyone’s friend. Letting people down because I am suddenly blocked and unable to communicate. Letting anxiety and overthinking stop me from doing even the littlest things.

But, as I keep learning more and more about myself, I grow. I try to be more kind to myself. To see the whole me. To be loving and accepting.
I started to create space. Space in my life and in my head. More time and patience for difficult times and feelings, more time and patience for learning about me.
Space for what I need, for what I want, for how I feel, for what I believe in.
You have to decide, you know, that you deserve to take up space. To be here. To be you.

The struggle to communicate, for me, has its roots in fear and denial. Sure, depression and anxiety keep you from doing and wanting things, and that is real. But denying that you are feeling this way and being afraid you cannot act happy or normal whilst communicating with others, leads to not communicating even more. The moment I accepted that I feel this way sometimes and that I was allowed to feel these things, I was less afraid of communicating with others.

I have also noticed, that the more and time I give myself, the more I have for others. Well, maybe not more, but better. Better quality. More realness. I have decided to be real. And to share that with the people around me. To be honest about how I am doing and what I am feeling. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
Giving yourself space is also about making decisions. Decisions about whether or not I want to communicate with someone, to be part of their life or project, or anything. I learned that not everything and anyone can have your attention or affection. If I want to have quality interaction; I have to choose. Only then, I can have space in my life.

And only then, I can make my intentions align with my actions; to answer, call back, email back, to show up, to not lie about how I am doing, and to be there for another.

Stay true and kind to yourself and others and most of the time your actions will align with your intentions. Which is a wonderful thing to practice.