Go, go, go…
Make way, make way, make way…
We are in an incredible rush…
(translated from Dutch: Opzij – Herman van Veen, 1979)

This is society in 2018 in my eyes. A society in which I took part in a self destructive way, until April.

Something clicked in my head

At that moment something clicked in my head…literally. I had a bike accident which gave me a serious concussion. Dizziness, nausea, a huge never-ending headache, pressure on the chest, not able to drive a car, I even continued cycling after the accident, in a very busy city centre, unaware of the traffic.

It was time to ease off this frantic pace and slow down a little

Literally. This was it. Mental complications combined with physical weakness forced me to stay at home and a break from my busy life. Different specialists and also my private environment told me to stop, to pause.

And suddenly I noticed something shocking. My complaints were not only the result of my concussion, but I realised that they were already there even before the accident.

Overbooked

A lot of stimuli, panic, anxiety, too many people, too much planned, including activities planned back-to-back (doing many activities in a row without a breath in between). I knew how to pad out my agenda. My typical work days included an average of 10 hours per day, 5 days per week and had a high stress factor. On Monday evenings I went jogging, Tuesday was volleyball training, Wednesday dinner with friends, Thursday dinner with my flatmates, Friday it was party-time as it’s the start of the weekend. I started drinking with colleagues in the office and continued in town. Then Saturday morning was jogging-time again, the afternoon would include a volleyball game and at night I had a birthday party or festival. You might think that I would need a rest on Sunday? Great idea! Didn’t happen though. Cleaning, groceries, laundry and even a little take away dinner with a friend or flatmate was on my schedule. Oh yes, let’s not forget about the city trips in the weekends, going to the sauna and of course mum’s 60th birthday.

Ignoring setbacks

I get stuffy while writing it down, but this really was my life. Not to mention me ignoring setbacks. Difficult situations which made me worry day and night, situations from some months ago but also situations from my younger years that I never really processed. Instead of processing these setbacks I ignored them. Nope, that doesn’t work. And of course, it seems so logical to take a break. But hey, knowing when to stop yourself in this routine is difficult. Pleasing other people too much, having no time to think about what feels good or wrong, just go go go…

No second to waste

Standing still felt like taking a step backwards and a waste of my time. But it’s not that at all! Rush is taking a step backwards, that sounds so much more natural now. Standing still is an exquisite moment of reflection and consolidation.

From the moment I got sick, I slept around 10 to 11 hours per night, plus 1 to 2 hours during the afternoon. Week after week. Total loss. I had difficulties breathing, pressure on the chest and a persistent headache. I saw the family doctor multiple times and she even sent me to the hospital for blood samples and a heart scan, to exclude some serious dangerous issues. Result: all fine. The medicine: taking rest and staying home. It felt like I was cutting off all lines in my life. I was in a sort of quarantine. A feeling of failure, or had I truly passed my physical and mental limit?

Ambition or perfectionism?

‘Perfectionists are concerned, show initiative, they look around really carefully. They stow themselves on surprising altitudes and are able to inspire others. It never is enough. You don’t know how to give up. You aren’t a pussy, right? Others are also able to reach certain goals, so why wouldn’t you? It all has to work out some way. You expect a lot from yourself. Ambition is great. Having the desire to do things right is good. But perfectionism, that’s bad. Striving to perfection is ruining two things: the way towards the result (you will gabble) and the result itself (because that will be disappointing anyway).’’ (Jan Wolter Bijleveld & Ingebord Deana, Loslaten, 2014)

Striving to perfection

Striving to perfection is something that quite matches my behaviour. I would rather not do a job at all, than doing it imperfectly. I put the bar high and that worked against me. Scared of the idea something could go wrong. If I didn’t do good enough, then would people still like me? Would they think I am less sympathetic or not good at my job? Was I disappointing people or just disappointing myself?

Day by day

Now I am well aware: fewer things are as necessary as I thought. Living ‘day by day’ is healthier than overbooking my agenda for the upcoming 3 months. I feel like I can make choices myself now. Nobody can oblige me to do things, apart from my employer (as he pays my salary). But without harming my wellbeing! I do have the choice to work harder, the choice to rush, the choice to worry, the choice to take responsibility and to gabble instead of asking for help, the choice to take my time, the choice to cancel an appointment and to do something a little less perfect than planned. How more I need to do (like a must), the worse I feel. This causes a stressful life. From appointment to appointment, always rushing and no time to enjoy or process.

‘The lack of quality, dissatisfaction, indifference. Do less, live more, be more attentive, well-informed, more matured, more intense, lighter, nicer.’ (Jan Wolter Bijleveld & Ingebord Deana, Loslaten, 2014)

Quotes

I would like to share some quotes which I hold on to when I need to get back to myself…

‘Let’s plan to plan nothing.’

‘It’s time to make time.’

‘Would my work worry about me?’

‘Give yourself a day off.’

‘What are you mindful of today?’

‘Tomorrow is great too.’

‘Yes. I do say no.’

‘I already have an appointment. With myself.’

‘I recently bumped into myself. She said hi.’

‘Do less. Live more.’

(Jan Wolter Bijleveld & Ingebord Deana, Loslaten, 2014)

Pushed down and getting back up again.  I am not there yet, but I am a work in process. I am taking my time and will continue living my perfect life. No, better than that: my great life. How? By doing less and living more!