“You are doing well. You’re on the rise!” People said around me. Enthusiastically I pressed the buttons of higher and higher floors.
Indeed, lately I feel good and see that my life, according to the social norms, is heading in the right direction. I started exercising, I finally have a steady relationship, and I teach more courses. People are happy for me and I am also very happy for me as well! But alas, if things are going well, I want more. Then I want a ‘normal life’ like everyone else that has no disability.
My spring courses had almost come to an end and I dreamed of organizing an extra course on my own. After all, I was doing well, so why not? Organizing some activity is unfortunately not my strongest quality and it cost me more stress than I had anticipated. But at the time I didn�t want to pay any attention to it. I kept going, because I was on the rise.
A few weeks before the start of that course, fear hit me. Already a couple of times I woke up anxiously, but still I ignored it. The stress continued to increase and in the end I thought: do I really want this? Is this really good for me? On a whim (or was it a firm action?) I pressed the emergency button of the elevator. I canceled the reservation for the location, emailed everyone that it did not go through and made my apologies. A burden fell off me and I could breathe again.
Now the central question is: have I acted well? Did I take good care of myself this time, or did I let myself be guided by my fears again?
Identify stress in time
That remains difficult. I suffer daily from anxiety and stress. But sometimes it is clearly worse. At times I wake up in the morning with a shivering body as if it were electrified. Even this, though, I�m able to ignore. I think that I have to be strong and should not nag about it. The signals can also be more unclear. Then my days become increasingly chaotic. I do everything and nothing at all. Those days can last for a long time, but in the end it gets me down.
So the question is: When do you signal stress in time?
Weighing the signals
You can detect stress or other signals in time, but then you still don�t know how to react to it. This time I didn�t ask myself well enough how serious the signals were. I said to myself: “Ah, dude, tension is part of it. You can handle this!” In the end, I woke up in sheer panic. Only then did I realize that I had previously weighed the signals too lightly.
So the question is: How burdensome and urgent are you signals?
Much on my plate
As I said, if things are going well for me, I want to do more and more, to be more like people without a disability. Then I take more on my plate. I forget, however, that I only have a little plate to fill. Naturally, it is not a good thing to drop everything when a bit of stress and anxiety hits me, to protect myself excessively. In that case I would let myself be governed by fear. Conversely, it is also not smart to pretend that I can handle everything. Then in the end the burden will put me down as well, even worse. The question I should ask myself is whether I can really handle the stress and fears which come with that activity.
So the question is: How much is good for you?
The price I want to pay
Ignoring and underestimating signals has a price. Taking on an activity also has a price. Overestimating signals and doing no more activities also have their price. What does it really cost me and what does it bring me? So I have to wonder what the real price is and if that price is a good price for me. It is not only the question whether I can afford it, but also whether I want to pay that price.
So the question is: Which price do you want to pay?
Endless wavering
Looking back at my decision, the burden of giving a self-organized course and the stress it gave me, does not outweigh the pleasure and satisfaction that I would get from it. If I am realistic and mild to myself, I shouldn�t want to pay that price. So, in this case, it has been a good decision to press the emergency button! Of course, it remains a laborious and uncertain compromise between two extremes of too early & too late, of too light & too heavy, of too little & too much, and of too low & too high. But be on time to signal the stress and ask yourself what it’s all worth to you and what price you really want to pay.