How I feel is different every day. I feel less sad than before, in addition I cry less in public. Many people around me think that things are going well again. But how am I actually doing?
Lately I have found more strength, I am getting stronger and I get out more often. Despite the fact that this makes me very happy, it also scares me. It is good that I am going out more often and it is good that I look stronger. However, I do not feel that strong, I often think of myself as weak. I say to myself on a regular basis “come on Shar, do not put it that way. Everyone sees that you are doing better, be happy.” No matter how hard I try to be happy, I can not do much about it. You feel what you feel.
You never know what someone is going through. Be kind, always.
Working out is going quite well. Unfortunately, I have been feeling ill. I feel that I get ill more often than other people. Research shows that there is a disruption in the balance of neurotransmitters in the brain when you have a depression. Also, the cortisol in your body is often increased in these situations. An increase itself is not very bad: Cortisol is a stress hormone, in stressful situations your cortisol level increases so that you can respond adequately. A consequence of a prolonged overproduction of cortisol is that it suppresses the activity of the immune system. This makes you more sensitive to all sorts of physical ailments. And I suffer from those physical ailments. Unfortunately, but there is nothing I can do about it.
In a week I will fly to the wonderful Lanzarote. I am going to train for 14 days, hopefully, in the pleasure of a lovely sun. I would not have done it a year ago. I was too scared to leave the house, let alone that I would be leaving my safe home for several days after four hours of flying. Sports is a major outlet for me. Since the weather is a bit better and my energy level increased, I try to train more often. Although it makes me tired physically, it gives me a lot of energy. I feel fitter, I feel better and enjoy the outdoors when running and cycling.
I have made huge leaps. I sometimes find it difficult to talk about my depression, especially when I am doing better. At those moments I feel ashamed of myself. And let that be one of the reasons why I started writing. It is ridiculous to be ashamed of something that you have no control over, something that you cannot do anything about. I do not want to feel that way. I would like people to learn from my story. I would like when people read this, they feel understood and strong enough to call for help. You are not crazy, you do not have to be ashamed. Someone with a depression must be heard by the people around them, feeling comfortable talking about it.
I do not want to be afraid anymore and I do not want to be ashamed anymore. So for me, the status for now is that I am doing much better. Let that training in Lanzarote begin, I am more than ready!
Love, Sharon
