There is no big book of rules on how to organize your sex life. What is normal to some, is abnormal to others and vice versa. What one person speaks very openly about, is taboo to someone else. But why do sex-related taboos exist? Isn’t it better to just get rid of them? By writing about all kinds of different questions, problems and views around sex, I hope to break sex-related taboos. Will you join me on this mission?
Have you done “it” yet?
The older we get, the more we assume that we already have or should have done “it”. There are all kinds of prejudices about people who are virgins at a “later” age. There does not have to be a specific reason (such as religion) for someone’s virginity. Maybe it just hasn’t happened (yet) or the need for sex isn’t there (yet). There is nothing wrong with waiting long(er) to have sex for the first time. There is nothing you should and must have done before a certain age: as long as you do what makes you feel good.
Are my fantasies crazy?
Having sexual fantasies increases sexual tension and arousal. In addition, we cannot choose our fantasies, so you really don’t have to be ashamed of them. When it comes to fantasies, anything is possible! Think about having threesomes, BDSM, orgies or having sex with the neighbour. There are studies that state that women can achieve orgasms just by having a fantasy. Moreover, having fantasies often goes hand in hand with an improved sex life. You can choose to share your fantasies with your (bed) partner, but you can certainly choose to keep them to yourself as well. If you want to read more about sexual fantasies, click here!
I can’t come
If you do not or do not always manage to come, I want to reassure you with the following: many people have problems achieving an orgasm. Despite this fact, it can still be hugely frustrating. “Is there something wrong with me? When will it come?”, are thoughts that can arise during sex, with the result that you cannot enjoy yourself optimally. Try to let go of the thoughts of coming and try to shift your attention to the now. Focus on your partner and on the intimacy you are experiencing and have fun!
I like watching porn
Anyone who has access to the internet can access pornography, it’s that simple. Porn aims to make you sexually aroused, so it is not surprising if you experience watching porn as pleasant. Moreover, porn can also inspire you and/or can learn you new things that you can apply in your own sex life. Sidenote: It is important to realize that the way sex is portrayed does not match reality. This means that it is important to look at porn with a critical eye.
I have a low sex drive
Everyone differs in the degree to which he / she needs sex. You may also have noticed that your libido is not the same all the time. Sometimes you feel like having sex and sometimes you don’t. A lower sex drive is normal and there are often several reasons for this. Stress and sadness, for example, are factors that contribute to a reduced libido. I think it is important to investigate what your need is and once investigated, responding to this need. You never have to go beyond your own limits. If you don’t feel like having sex, it is important to communicate with your (bed)partner. This way you know what you can expect from one another.
Do I have a sex addiction?
How often someone engages in sex differs per person. In addition, the stage of life you are in also influences how often you might want to have sex. You probably do not have a sex addiction as long as it does not bother you (for example, whether your genitals hurt from excessive masturbation or excessive sex) and as long as you are not hindered by it in your daily life. If you notice that your behavior has negative consequences (such as becoming socially isolated, lacking sleep and / or financial problems) for you and / or your environment, and you do not seem to have control over your behavior and thoughts, it is advisable to seek professional help. Sex addiction can often be treated well, you don’t have to go though this alone.
There are of course many more sexual topics that are taboo, what else can you think of? Talk to each other! To break sexually related taboos it is necessary to speak openly about sexually related topics. It may be uncomfortable at first, but the more often you discuss these certain topics, the more the embarrassment will disappear.
Having a highly sensitive personality (HSP) is quite common. Still, it might be difficult to understand for people that are not HSP. How and when do you tell people that you are highly sensitive? And how do you deal with this as a bystander? Laura (20) explains.
Who did you tell about you being HSP?
It is not necessarily that I tell others about it. It is more that, when it comes to mind, for example when I respond to something and people ask me: why do you react like that? Then I say that I am highly sensitive. A few colleagues of mine know it for example. This is because after a lot of interaction I get very tired. A colleague of mine wondered why I was so enthusiastic at the start of the swimming lesson and got so quiet at the end of the lesson. Then I explained it, and she understood it immediately. A friend of hers also appeared to be HSP. My family knows it, and I’m sure a couple of friends know too, but I do not know exactly who. If it comes up, I tell them, but I do not emphasize it.
How do your friends deal with it?
I think they have forgotten about it. It is a fairly positive group of friends and therefore it doesn’t really come up. Maybe they can still remember it, but they won’t notice it.
What about dating?
A date is a whole experience for me, also because of this. I can not do it that well, that’s why I am currently not dating. I feel completely overwhelmed during the process of dating. People suddenly want something from me, I have to make dates, they want to touch me (I do not like being touched) and they want my attention all the time, and I struggle with that… These negative feelings take over the positive feeling that I really like the person. I still like them, but because I am so stressed out about other things, I always cut it off. So my date life is not really successful. My parents say it too, go on a date! It is very annoying, because I really want to, but I can not do it because I want to escape from the situation. That is just a shame, because I think it would be nice to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and then it doesn’t work out, because I am so stressed about all the stupid, small things. At the moment I do not have any problems with being single, but it would be nice to find a partner some time in the coming years.
How do you deal with that on a date?
Sometimes I tell them about it during a date. Often I also indicate that I do not like to be touched. A hug is fine, but I do not like it if they hold my hand. I then tell them: I am interested, but I do not want this yet. That also takes away some of the pressure. But to understand and stick to it, that is another thing… For example, I once told someone who really did not understand it. Then it will not work out.
How do you deal with studying and working?
I am very visual. For example, I draw a lot of things, I write a lot. I am a huge fan of to-do lists, otherwise I will lose overview. I divide all major assignments into small pieces. It is nice to keep track of what I have already done. I plan everything, make checklists, draw things out .. Then you just have everything at a glance. It is important that you do not lose overview. If you have a to-do list, you can just finish it from top to bottom and you’ll get there. I also often set alarms to remind myself of things. Everything is in my Google calendar, all stupid, little things. Since there is so much happening in my mind, I quickly forget things. So writing down everything usually works well.
I can imagine that sometimes you are afraid that you will not be taken seriously. How do you think about this?
With HSP, a lot of people think that I cry faster and that I get afraid more easily. That’s right, but it is only part of the problem. The second part is: if I have a deadline, it is so overwhelming. Then I have a tunnel vision on that one job that has to be finished tomorrow. All the other important things are then pushed away. It is not necessarily that I do not feel understood, but misunderstood. That they do not understand that if something happens at home, that this can have effect on how I perform in daily life. That link is usually not made.
I now have the idea that there is more awareness about HSP. I hear about it more often, on Facebook for example. When I was diagnosed in 2013, I had never heard about it before. But two years ago I suddenly saw an article about HSP. I thought it was nice to get some more insights about it. Of course you also have gradations in it, to what extent you are highly sensitive. In general, HSP means that you just process your stimuli a little differently. One is more sensitive to stimuli than the other.
Do you have any tips for family, friends or partner?
Do not take it personally if the person reacts intensely to you. We do not mean it that way.
Tips for the work environment?
Inform yourself. HSP is more than that it seems to be. It is not just responding a bit more intense to things, but also its aftermath. For example, an employer must know that after a day of work, I get extremely tired and do not want to talk to anyone anymore. If an employee indicates that he is HSP, or you suspect that an employee suffers from this, you could inform yourself about it. Also ask the person, if you suspect it.
If you are HSP yourself, then tell your manager about it..It is better if they know it and that nothing happens, then that you collapse at a certain moment and that they do not know why this happens.
Highly Sensitive Personality (HSP) has been receiving increased attention in the media lately. Not surprising, since only 20 years ago the first article was published on this subject. Nevertheless, about 1 in 5 people appears to be highly sensitive. People with HSP are more sensitive to stimuli. They experience them more and worse than others, and they therefore need more time to process these stimuli and to recover from them. But what is it like to be highly sensitive? Laura (20) explains.
Can you tell us something about yourself first?
I am Laura, 20 years old. I study English to become a teacher. Also, I teach swimming lessons and I enjoy dancing, reading and listening to music.
What does being highly sensitive mean for you?
HSP to me is that I generally feel emotions more intensely. For me, this means that events can hit me harder than others. For example, if I watch a sad movie, I get a full mental breakdown. This is with sadness, but also with happiness. A small thing can make me very happy. I also get angry quite quickly, and I often get very grumpy about the smallest things. In general it means that everything you feel, I feel 10 times worse. It works both ways, both positive and negative. If someone dies that I do not know, it feels like my cousin has died. If I feel stressed, I can reason in my head: it is only one assignment, it is easy… but I still feel the stress very intensely.
How do you deal with that?
I went to a therapist about 5 years ago. He also told me that I am HSP. I have been taught a few techniques. For example, I struggle with crowded places, with many human interactions. I have learned how to distance myself from a room, and that helps. I know that if I feel sad or grumpy, I just have to watch a comedy, or do something fun, dance or go outside. These techniques learned me to at least feel better. That is also the positive side of HSP, it does not cost me much effort to at least superficially feel more happy again. You are still thinking about the annoying things that have happened, but at least you can laugh again. That helps.
How old were you when you found out?
I was 15 when I was diagnosed. But I’ve always been like this. As a child I had problems sleeping, I was very rebellious, I started screaming about the smallest things … When my mother heard about it, she immediately thought: this makes sense. Some things suddenly fell into place. I think I was highly sensitive all my life, but it got worse in my teenage years. As every teenager becomes emotional, I just became extra.
Was it comforting to hear: this is it?
Yes, it was. I sometimes wondered, why do I react so extremely on this? It is not that bad. For example, if my mother got angry about a very small thing, I reacted super-intensely. Then every time I sat in my room, and I thought, why? Why do I think this is a logical response? And when I heard that I was HSP, I suddenly understood. For my parents it was also good to hear, they could now recognize that there was a reason behind it and that it was not their fault.
Do you know other people who are highly sensitive?
No. It may of course be so than someone does not tell you, but not as far as I know.
Do you have any tips for people who are HSP?
Try to make sure that you minimize everything that goes on in your mind, for example by writing things down, setting alarms. The less you have to think about, and that’s a lot, the more you can focus on small tasks. And just go on with your own life, instead of worrying about other things all the time. And whatever emotion you feel, just feel it. I have had many times that I wanted to block my emotions, but if you block emotions, you will get a much bigger outburst later on. If you have to cry or scream, just do it. Then the stress gets out and you can go back to normal, whatever that means for you. Finding an outlet can also help with this, for example taking a walk, dancing, writing it down … Find out what you like, what calms you down and gets you focused again. Then you have something that you can always fall back on.
Laura well tell more about HSP soon. Keep on posted!
*Laura is not her real name.
11 October is International Coming Out Day, to draw attention to the subject of coming out as a non-heterosexual. On this day both famous and non-famous people are encouraged to come out, in order to boost the visibility of LGBT people in different layers of society. Originally, Coming Out Day was mainly focused on gay and lesbian people, but later years have seen a broadening of the term to various forms of coming out.
Different
People generally come out because they feel that they are ‘different’ in some way, and want to be open about this to their environment. Everyone experiences some big or small coming out moments during their life. As a kid for instance, the coming out that your mother’s famous chowder makes you sick to your stomach. Or in high school the coming out that you prefer to play in a band instead of joining the football team. Some of these may seem trivial, but others are more serious. Coming out about your sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or mental condition, for instance.
It may seem odd to lump these issues together, but the process people go through is comparable; you are facing a certain feeling or issue, and are afraid that your environment will judge or stigmatize you for it if you are open about it. Of course the consequences differ based on the type of coming out; you are far less likely to lose people when you come out as being a fan of a certain football team, compared to more sensitive subjects. For this reason, some people choose to spend a long time in the closet with their feelings.
Effects
There have been a number of studies on the effects of coming out or staying in the closet. These are mainly focused on being in the closet as a gay or lesbian person. Studies show that people who remain in the closet generally have lower self esteem and face a higher risk for suicidal thoughts and depression. Coming out generally lowers these risks, although it does increase the risk of bullying for students. There have also been some studies about coming out with respect to your mental condition. The main conclusion from these studies were that being open about your mental condition generally lowered complaints related to the experience of stigma and the stress of keeping feelings hidden.
I came out as gay at the age of 17 and – luckily – I did not experience a lot of problems. I was not the first person to come out as gay in the family, and my friends and colleagues also reacted positively. After coming out I realised that I am more comfortable being open about my sexuality to others. However, I do have friends that had to come out in less supportive environments, either due to religious beliefs or a general lack of understanding. Some of them ended up losing friends or falling out of touch with their family. But eventually they also found a group of people that accepted them for who they were, for instance through the COC or other meeting groups.
Coming out can be a scary thought, but in my experience people that you know and trust are more likely to react positively than negatively. Next to that, talking about your feelings also helps you to better understand them and be at peace with them. What’s on your mind this Coming Out Day?
Every year on October 10th we pay some extra attention to the subject of mental health. The World Health Organization has named this day World Mental Health Day. In this year’s theme: young people and mental health in a changing world.
In the Netherlands we do pretty well regarding mental health. From age 12 and older, almost 89% say they feel psychologically healthy. Young people: between 12 and 16 years old are doing even better, 95% say they feel mentally healthy. These are nice percentages, so why is such a dedicated day still needed?
What does ‘mentally healthy’ mean?
The percentages sound positive but they don’t tell you everything. The concept of being ‘mentally healthy’ is difficult to describe. For example, you may not feel well but you still feel mentally healthy.
Furthermore, you don’t necessarily have to suffer from mental health problems your whole life. In the Netherlands, 43.5% of the population ever struggled with mental health complaints. Also, no less than 34% to 50% of the Dutch population has an increased risk of developing an anxiety disorder or depression. It is good to be aware of this so that something can be done about it!
Young people and mental health
Many young people suffer from mental health complaints such as stress, worrying and sleep deprivation. This could be caused, by for example, being ‘online’ all the time via social media like Whatsapp and Instagram. Also, more and more of Dutch youth suffer from a game addiction or problematic social media use. And did you know that half of all mental disorders start around the age of 14? Therefore, prevention at a young age is important. Recognizing the problem and talking about it is the first step.
A special day
It’s not surprising that there is one special day in the year to reflect on mental health. An international day helps to discuss mental health issues and break the taboo. On top of that, it helps to create awareness regarding these problems. It’s a good time to reflect on your own mental health, also at times when you feel well. We can be grateful for that!
NiceDay: Pay attention to your mental health, for example by writing down in the diary in the NiceDay-app how you are doing. Also write down the positive things!
Last Saturday, the 23rd of June, Last Man Standing took place. 6 hours on pole number 16 at the Markermeer lake. A super hard challenge. And a real rollercoaster ride of physical discomfort and mental breakdowns and revivals.
MIND Young Academy
I participated to raise money for the MIND Young Academy. A project that educates schoolchildren about mental health. A project that stimulates openness, sharing and talking. And that is so very important! When I was young, there was little to no information, no openness and a lot of taboo. It was a black hole. My life was black and alone. There was help to be found, but only if you searched for it. Thankfully, I did. With ups-and-downs. But there are a lot of people my age, that start only now, because now there is more information, the subject is discussed more and more, and there is a little less taboo on certain subjects. When we can give our youth this growing sense of awareness, so they can talk sooner, so they can see that it is something you can struggle with but also can get help for, we give them a head start in life. A head start for healing and/or finding balance and acceptation. So they have a bigger chance on quality of life.
Pole-standing
I did not participate alone! 150 other very brave human beings stood there. People who participated because they themselves have (had) problems and challenges with their mental health, or because they have a connection with someone who faces/faced these problems and challenges every day. And that says something about strength and perseverance. About personal leadership. Because, standing still for 6 hours, on a little pole that is smaller than the size of your feet, does not only require physical perseverance, but, much more so, mental perseverance.
It is a rollercoaster. As your body and mind try to end this weird situation, you try to reach your goal. You are doing this for a reason, you remind yourself. What is 6 hours, if you’ve been trying to keep your balance all your life already? Right. This is peanuts in comparison to what I have already lived through and survived. I want to keep my balance. On this small pole and in life. And I will succeed!
‘I can’t do it, I want to get off, I want to sit down, you will fall, what does it matter when you stop?, just stop’, my head tells me and tears came. Nearly did I give in. For a moment I could not go on, my eyes scanned for support and strength. Where could I find support and strength? I looked at all my fellow pole standers. They are doing this too. Look how powerful we all are. I saw people on the shore cheering us on. My mouth asked for support. I called my mother to tell her how hard it was right now. I told the volunteers of MIND, who were by our side in the water, that I was having a hard time. I got cheered on. It cost me 45 minutes to recover from this major breakdown. To silence the voices in my head who wanted to give up. To feel lighter on the pole again and to get through the last hour. With everybody. Together. And we made it! What an accomplishment.
Strength and perseverance
Strength and perseverance. That is what people who climbed on a pole Saturday displayed and have. And that is also because of who we are and our lived experience. Having mental health problems requires a lot of personal leadership. You, and only you, can take charge of yourself and your life,
with or without a handicap. And how fitting is this metaphor of standing on a pole! Trying to keep your balance through the elements, on a tiny pole. It’s a big challenge. And it makes us who we are. So much more than a label. So valuable through lived experience. These people are leaders. These people are an example. You are heroes.
We raised 51.000 euro and this amount can only grow bigger. You can still donate through doemeemetmind.nl. I want to thank everybody for their support, donations, sharing of stories, enthusiasm and perseverance.
See you next year! X Bouwke
Perhaps you recognize it, it is easier for you to talk about your headache or asthmatic complaints than about your panic attacks or depression. Although we live in the 21st century, there is stíll a taboo on mental complaints, while in the Netherlands 43,5% of the people experience mental complaints in their lifespan. In comparison to for example 9% of the adults who experienced asthma.
But why is it easier to talk about asthma, than mental complaints? Everybody had heard jokes about people who have a screw loose, people who act “crazy” or people who are wished into a mental institute. Do you still dare to say that you are suffering panic attacks and that for a long time, you were afraid to go to the supermarket because you were afraid to faint? Perhaps you are ashamed, afraid of not being understood, stigmatization or of being left out. Because that is what people can do indeed. We should all think differently about mental disorders. We should set our fears and prejudices aside and talk about it together!
Importance of breaking through the taboo
Because mental complaints are still not fully accepted or understood, people are not keen to say that they are not feeling well. Especially in certain cultures or professional groups. Let take doctors for example. Research shows that non-vital doctors make more mistakes and are less empathetic in their contact with patients. They are more often ill, are more prone to burnout, depression and physical complaints. They act strong out of fear of the judgement of colleagues, or the loss of status or position in a department. That is why they often just keep on working until they are emotionally of physically exhausted.
How would this scenario look like when it is accepted to talk about your mental complaints? That when you tell your manager you are experiencing depressive feeling, he listens, understands and tells about his own burnout and the panic complaints of his wife. The sooner you alert your surroundings when you experience a lesser mental health, the less long term stress related complaints arise. What is necessary for this? Courage!
Have the courage to step forward with your mental complaints
Luckily there has been movement in the taboo! In 2013 a couple of British members of parliament told about their mental disorders. The slogan ‘No Health Without Mental Health’ as an enormous impact in England. Lady Gaga, Ellen Degeneres, J.K. Rowling, Bruce Springstein and soccer player Andès Iniesta also told openly about their experienced depression. The Dutch also show more openness. GTST-actrice Marly van der Velden told about the eating disorder she overcome, Sophie Hilbrand and Hugo borst told about their burnout and radio dj Stephan Bouwman about his depression. De American top swimmer Michael Phelps experienced recurring depressions and the Dutch Olympic Gold winning ice skater Stefan Groothuis was also depressed. You might wonder if such successful and strong people like them can have a depression? Yes they can! Feel strengthened by their example to step forward. Stand up, find the courage and talk. Together we stand strong and we can break the taboo!
No health without mental health
NiceDay actions
Try writing down your thoughts and feelings in the ‘Feeling Registration’ in NiceDay to get insight in what goes on in your mind and body. Are you up for an extra challenge? Try talking about your thoughts and feelings to someone you trust by planning ‘something outside your comfort zone’ in NiceDay.
