The libido, the drive for sexuality, is an interesting phenomenon. Many couples experience sexual problems because libidos can vary considerably. This is not strange, because everyone differs in the extent to which he/she needs sex. For example, one wants to have sex every day and the other wants to have sex once every three months. Of course, it is not as black and white, because there are different libido types, says the Australian sexologist Sandra Pertrot. In this blog, you will read about the different libido types and the corresponding advice. In which libido type(s) do you recognize yourself?��

Sensual�libido type

Sex is what connects you emotionally to your partner. You can feel rejected once your partner tells you that he/she is not in the mood.
What can you do? Tell your partner that you take it personally sometimes when he/she doesn’t feel like having sex. Often the interpretation is wrong, like: “he doesn’t want me anymore” or “Is she cheating on me?” These kinds of negative thoughts are often wrong assumptions. Talk about it with your partner. After the conversation, you may find out that your partner is experiencing a lot of stress and is therefore not in the mood for sex.

Dependent libido type

You need sex to feel loved and by having sex you can relieve stress.
What can you do? Try to look for other ways to deal with negative feelings in a non-sexual way. For example, go running, hiking, biking, skating or write down your feelings.�

Stressed libido type

You need sexual satisfaction, but you are insecure about your performance in bed. You fear not being able to satisfy your partner good enough.
What can you do? It can be very scary, but talking about it with your partner will help. Discuss what is bothering you and discuss each other’s expectations about sex.

Detached libido type

You do not feel the urge to have sex, you prefer to satisfy yourself rather than having sex and this is often because you are too busy doing other things.
What can you do? Discuss together how you can make more time for each other. Look for ways to better organize your time.

Erotic libido type

You only feel an emotional bond when someone is sexually passionate. Sex is the most important thing for you and you want to be loved dearly.
What can you do? Keep having fun, but try to reflect more on your partner’s needs.

Addicted libido type�

You find it difficult to resist sex from others, even while being in a committed relationship. You often use sex to increase your self-confidence or to keep your self-confidence high.
What can you do? This libido type can have many negative consequences. Consider talking to a professional.

Reactive libido type

You only experience pleasure when you satisfy your partner. You are satisfied with your libido, but it is mainly about your partner�s pleasure.
What can you do? You are also allowed to experience pleasure. Tell your partner that you also enjoy sexual satisfaction.

Compulsive�libido type

You can hardly get excited unless a certain item is involved or when it happens during an unusual situation.
What can you do? If your actions have negative consequences for your own mental and/or physical health and/or the mental and/or physical health of your partner, seek help from a professional.

Elevated libido type

You think you should get the sex life you deserve, it is mostly about your own pleasure and happiness.
What can you do? Films, Netflix and especially porn paint a distorted picture of how sex works in daily life. So try to adjust your expectation and pay some more attention to your sex partner

Uninterested libido type

You would not mind if you never had sex again. This libido may have originated from past experiences, the stressed libido type or you may never experience the desire for having sex.
What can you do? It is easy to state reasons why you should not have sex. To increase your desire you can look at one good reason to have sex.

You should never feel forced to have sex. Saying no to sex is not the same as saying no to everything. You could perhaps feel like hugging or kissing. Be clear and state your needs.

When there is a difference in libido, and this is causing hurt for at least one person, it is important to talk about it. Talk about your wishes and needs and see how you can deal with the libido difference. Do you need help with how to talk to your partner? NiceDay coaches can help you.�

We all spend more time at home during the pandemic. For those who live together with their partner, this means that they probably spend more time together than they did before. You would think that spending a lot of time at home together means that you have more time to have sex. What else is there to do, right? Well, in reality this usually isn�t the case and a lot of people have less sex during the pandemic.

Out of balance

Chances are that the pandemic has created major changes in your relationship. You probably see each other more often and have less time to yourself. You work together, cook together, eat together, hang out on the couch together and sleep in the same bed. There�s no longer a healthy balance between being together and having time to yourself. This disbalance often makes couples have less sex, and also decreases their quality of sex.

Feeling less attractive

Besides the disbalance in time, a lot of people feel a little bit less attractive. You hardly walk around in a nice suit anymore, and rather spend your time in comfortable clothing. It�s quite the achievement if you�ve even done your hair and put on a pair of jeans! Next to that, a lot of people have gained a little bit of extra (corona) weight. Nothing wrong with that! It�s not strange that you add on a few pounds during these stressful times, but for some people it could do something with their confidence. How you feel about yourself can influence your sex life. If you feel less attractive, you can be less open to sexual stimulation.

Stress

Stress influences your hormone levels. A result of experiencing a lot of stress can be a lower libido. For a lot of people, sex is last on their priority list right now. They might fear losing their job, or are worried about new corona measures.

Normalising

We�re all in a situation that has a major impact on our lives, more than we probably realise. So don�t be surprised if you and your partner don�t have as much sex right now, or if you notice that your libido isn�t as high. Just because you have less sex right now, doesn�t mean it will always be like that!

Many people now know that sex is good for your physical health. For example, sex can strengthen your immune system. Through the physical exertion your blood will flow faster: this will have a positive effect on your heart, blood vessels and can burn fat. Your body will also produce endorphins which reduces pain; for example, headaches can dissapear due to sex. In this blog, we’ve already discussed the physical benefits of sex. But what are the benefits of sex on your mental health?

The benefits

The act of sex can take place easily; without clear consent, when you don�t feel like it or even if you associate negative feelings with it. Sex is not about frequency or performance. It is about your sexual feelings, wishes and desires: these can be different for everyone. Therefore it is important that you have sex when you want it and with someone who feels the same way. Only then will it benefit you!

What are the benefits of sex for your mental health? Below I will discuss a number of them.

• Self-confidence, confidence and communication

Having sex or talking about sex together creates intimacy and connection. Research results show that your self-confidence increases and your sexual health improves if you can discuss sex. Especially when you talk about what you like, what your insecurities are or the use of contraception. Talking about sex reduces shame and discomfort. This increases your self-confidence and creates a bond of trust. In the end you will have sex in which you respect, protect and fulfill each other’s sexual desires.

• Getting to know yourself and the other

Everyone differs in the extent to which they want or need sex: everyone has a libido type. Friction can arise between (sex) partners if these libido types differ. For example, one person may see sex as a form of love. In this case, if the other person does not feel like having sex, this can easily feel like rejection to the other person. In this article you can find out what you or the other person’s libido type is. This can help you understand each other’s needs and how to deal with the differences in sex drive.

• Vitality and creativity

When you have had sex you feel young, alive and relaxed. This is partly due to the hormone estrogen, which is released in greater amounts during sex. When your estrogen level rises, you feel better about yourself, confident, optimistic and creative. The hormone oxytocin is released through intimacy and touch: it creates a pleasant and relaxed feeling. Sex also releases the hormone dopamine: dopamine generates more energy, makes you more optimistic and stimulates your creativity. If you have sex regularly, your dopamine system gets a boost.

• Fantasies

Psychotherapist Esther Perel explains that sexual fantasies show us desires that may make our lives more enjoyable and intense. Psychologist Lehmiller argues that we do not express our fantasies enough to our sexual partner. This is because we think our fantasies are taboo. While research shows that partners who do discuss their fantasies scored higher on �happiness� than those who kept it secret. In this article you can read more about fantasies.

• Decreased depression and loneliness

If there is a difference between how often you want sex and the degree to which you are sexually active, it can cause sexual frustration. Lack of touch and sex can make you feel down and lonely. This feeling can arise when you are single, but also in a relationship. People who are sexually frustrated tend to be more depressed. This can be due to several things: lack of sex (a basic human need), lack of intimacy within a relationship, or medical problems. Do you recognize this feeling and does it cause you suffering? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Together with a professional you can look at what you are missing, what you long for and how you can work towards that.

NiceDay

Do you recognize yourself in the above? Or do you find it difficult to talk about sex with your (sex) partner? You can find some practical tips on how to do that here. Or do you not identify with any of the above and don’t feel any excitement at all when it comes to sex? That is also possible! You might find this article on asexuality interesting. The bottom line is: recognize and understand your own needs and act accordingly. That may or may not mean sex.

When you�re feeling a bit down, you may have less sex drive. However, research shows that sex can actually have a positive effect on your physical and mental health. Curious about the positive influence of sex? Then keep reading!

Relaxation

When you suffer from complaints concerning your mental health, taking the time to relax is very important. Sex has been shown to help you relax, and sexual contact produces the hormone oxytocin, also known as the hugging hormone. This hormone provides relaxation and tranquility. Sex also appears to help with relaxation in the longer term. A Scottish study shows that people who have recently had sex are better able to deal with stressful situations such as public speaking. Finally, it also appears that, if oxytocin is structurally available in your body, the effect of relaxation increases. It therefore seems a plausible conclusion that if you have sex more often, you will also experience more and more relaxation. In this case, practice makes perfect seems like an appropriate saying!

Physical health benefits

Sex is good for many aspects of your physical health. Good physical health in itself supports your resilience and mental health.

• Immune system

Research from the University of Wilkes (Pennsylvania) shows that students who were more sexually active (sexual contact once or twice a week) had a better resistance to bacteria and viruses than students who had less sexual contact.

• Fitness and heart health

When you have sex, your heart rate goes up, just like when you�re exercising. Just like exercising, sexual contact lowers the risk of cardiovascular problems and improves your fitness. Research shows that men who have sex twice a week have a reduced risk of a heart attack.

• Pelvic floor

During sex you use your pelvic floor muscles. Pelvic floor problems, especially in women, can be prevented by training the pelvic floor muscles regularly or by having regular sexual contact.

• Prostate

Research also shows that men who have an orgasm more than twenty-one times a month, have a reduced risk of prostate cancer compared to� men who orgasm four to seven times a month.

Sleep

Many people who suffer from mental complaints have difficulty falling asleep. Sex right before bed can help you fall asleep. This is due to the oxytocin that is released, which makes you relax and fall asleep more easily. Good sleep in itself also has a positive influence on your mental and phsyical health in many other ways; sex before going to sleep is therefore a win-win situation!

Feeling connected

Finally, sexual contact helps you to feel connected to someone else. Having contact with other people is important if things aren’t going well for you. Feeling connected with someone else can support the recovery of your mental complaints. Do you have a partner or a sexual relationship in a different form? Try to initiate some good lovemaking. Every little bit helps when you�re recovering from mental complaints. Maybe having more sex can support your recovery process.

Although there are many benefits to sex, it is important to add that we know that many people with mental complaints do not feel the need for sexual contact. It is important to listen carefully to your feelings. Sex against your will is of course never the intention!

Sex and sexual functioning are an essential part of the quality of our life, in all stages of life. Sexual health is often associated with happiness, longevity and well-being. Depression or sadness can have a major impact on your sex life; if you are not feeling well, you may have little sex drive. In this blog I will discuss the effect of depression on your sex life.

Sexual problems

You can experience various sexual problems. One of these is feeling less desire; you don�t think about sex a lot, have less or no sexual fantasies and generally have little desire to have sex (low libido).

You can also have physical sexual problems. In a situation where you would normally be aroused, all of a sudden your body does not respond the way you are used to, or your body may never have. Think of getting and maintaining an erection or getting a wet vagina. This can make sexual contact difficult and very frustrating.

In addition, you can also experience problems with reaching a climax: an orgasm. For example, it can occur too soon, too late or no longer occur at all. Finally, there are sexual problems that are linked to pain, such as pain on penetration or it may even be impossible to insert anything.

Depression

What many people don’t know is that sadness often has an effect on our sex life. Research shows that 50% of people with depression experience sexual problems or have a sexual dysfunction. Only 25% of women and 50% of men with depression are sexually active. In 40% of men and 50% of women, sexual desire is reduced and about the same percentage has difficulties with getting physically aroused. Problems with having an orgasm affect 15 to 20% of women that suffer from depression. 12% of men last suffer from premature ejaculation and 22% of depressed men deal with delayed ejaculation.

Sex and Medication

The above figures refer to people who do not use medication for their depression. However, the use of antidepressants can also cause sexual problems. If you are on medication and experience this, discuss this with your practitioner. It is possible to choose another type of medication that does not have this side effect or in which the side effect is less invasive for example, but other solutions are also possible. Discuss it with your practitioner so that they can help you. Talking about it is often a relief in itself. So if you experience problems, know that you are not alone!

Depression and sexual functioning

The relationship between depression and sexual functioning is complex. The sexual problems can be a direct result of the depression. This is a form of anhedonia: no longer experiencing joy or pleasure. In addition, there are symptoms of depression such as negative self-esteem, increased guilt, tiredness and discomfort, which indirectly diminish the sense of sex drive. Depression is also associated with physical disturbances, especially in the nervous system, which affect the sexual functioning of the body.

Cause and effect

Sexual dysfunction can be the result of depression, but also its cause! Sexual dysfunction also means that the sexual image that someone has of himself or that the partner has of the other is not met. This can seriously disrupt self-esteem and contribute to depression. In that case, it may be wise to treat the sexual problem first before treating the depression.

Sexual problems can also result from other illnesses associated with depression. Just think of diabetes or hormonal abnormalities such as testosterone deficiency. That is why it is important to first rule out physical causes.

Other causes of problems with sexuality are grief, divorce or relationship problems. These can lead to depression as well as sexual dysfunctions. In that case, partner relationship therapy is a sensible addition to the treatment.

Tip

Make sex fun again! You can start by discovering what it is that you like or enjoy sexually. In the beginning it might be uncomfortable or you may have to make time for it, but it’s well worth it! It�s basically like picking up other things you enjoy doing. Gaining positive experiences ensures that you have them fresh in your memory and that you feel like doing something like this again sooner. By actively working on a positive experience yourself, you can gradually rebuild your sex drive. Do you have a partner? Start alone first, this may make you feel less pressured. By doing this you can slowly build up to do something fun together, and you will know exactly what you like!