Letting go. It remains a returning theme in my life. Every time I believe I have let go of the old, it turns out I did not. A piece of the ‘old’ always stays. And that piece is so crucial to be a free person. The closer I get to the core, the more I block. I am almost there, but it is precisely the part that is the most difficult and painful.
Control
Sometimes I have the idea that when I let go of that piece, I will let go a part of myself. As if that part of me is not good enough and has to go. It feels very contradictory, because it confirms that I am not good enough. But on the other hand, the piece is so stressful and painful I have to let it go. Do you still get it?
I can philosophize about this for hours and that is precisely the problem. It won’t get me any further. Several times a week I am overwhelmed by the urge to just sit and scream, cry or whatever it takes to free myself from misery. In my imagination that looks very normal and relieving. But in reality it doesn’t happen. I stiffen. I am afraid to lose control and afraid to really feel. I’m afraid of what may come.
Habit
The fear of losing control is a strong pattern in my system. But more and more I find out that sometimes you have to let go of control to free yourself. By holding onto something, I make it unnecessarily difficult. I believe that control and habit are close together. On the one hand because control can be a habit and on the other because both this are difficult to break. Control is a part of me and I would not want to swap it for anything else. But every now and then I want to let go of myself a little more, because wanting to control keeps me trapped.
Changing is scary. You make a transition from the known to the unknown. It makes us uncomfortable. Yet it is sometimes necessary to step into something uncomfortable in order to let go. In the long term it will certainly pay off. But it will take some time.
“Let it go, turn away and slam the door”
When I think of letting go, I think of Frozen. And when I think of Frozen, I think of Princess Elsa who sings “Let it go” on top of the snowy mountain. She sings about a ballast, which she carried with her. At some point the tension got so high she had to let it go, even she found it very scary. In retrospect it was her liberation. If we, including myself, find the courage to experiment with letting go, perhaps we will see it is not so bad. But maybe it will be bad and we just have to go through it. By doing it and experiencing it, we are always getting a bit closer to the goal: letting go.
Let go: for the sake of ourselves.
Love,
Ghyta
Friendships are important in life. But sometimes you have a friendship which doesn’t feel nice anymore. How do you notice that a friendship doesn’t take you further? And when is is better to let go? I’d like to give you some tools to figure out if a friendship is still good for you.
Unequal relationship
Do you notice that you are often the one who asks how your friend is doing? Are you always the one who knows what is going on in his or her life, but does he or she interest in your life? This may indicate an unequal relationship. Friendship means giving and taking. When you are often the only one who gives, you can become quite unsure and sad about it.
Be you
In a friendship it is important that you can be yourself under any circumstances. It is annoying when you feel that you have to be conscious about the things you say and the way you act. Do you notice that you say certain things that you normally wouldn’t say? Do you notice that you behave differently? Or do you experiencing the feeling of wanting to be liked? If the answers on one of these questions is yes, then perhaps it is a good thing to evaluate whether you should or should not continue the friendship.
What can you do about it?
How do you evaluate a friendship and how do you know if it is worth continuing? To get answers to this hard question you can make a cost-benefit analysis. With this method you weigh the costs in relation to the benefits. What does this friendship cost you and what do you get in return? Does friendship give you energy or does it cost you energy? Create an overview for yourself.
Ending a friendship is difficult. Especially because you have put a lot of time and effort into it. But if someone makes you insecure or if he or she talks you down? Isn’t it better to protect yourself by distancing yourself from the friendship?
NiceDay app
Tip! The diary in the NiceDay app is useful to list the pros and cons of your friendship. You do not have to make this decision in one go. Keep track on your experience and evaluate the friendship over time. Choosing for yourself is difficult, but you are worth it!
Do you take care of yourself? Put yourself first and ensure that you take all necessary steps to take care of your body and mind. Sounds simple, right? Maybe for some. Because, there are many people who actually do not take care of themselves (so well).
If you do not do self-care, this can affect your entire life. The balance between work and private life is lost, your eating habits are not healthy, you may be stressed or overwhelmed, you arrive and doubt any decision you make. That way you will never be in balance and you will most likely feel unhappy!
To take care of yourself you don’t have to turn your whole life upside down. Far from! Learning a few simple new habits is the key to success. Small changes, big results.
Self-care tips to add to your daily routine:
- Sleep: ensure sufficient sleep and try to create regularity in your sleep rhythm. Go to bed at the same time every day and get up at the same time every day.
- Exercise: daily exercise, moderately intensive, for about 30-60 minutes provides more energy and a healthier body. Cleaning, stretching or climbing stairs: everything counts!
- Outside: try to go outside every day. Only a few minutes makes a difference already.
- Breathing: do you feel stressed or anxious? Then consciously breathe in and out a few times. This way your entire body relaxes.
- Take breaks: a break from your computer, telephone, social media, anything you can “turn off” for a moment.
- Music: turn on your favorite song. Make a playlist for when you feel happy, sad, angry or hurt.
- Dance: “Dance like nobody’s watching”, it is fun, gives you energy and contributes to positive emotions. Turn up your volume and dance!
- Pay attention to your body: which dishes / snacks make you feel good? What makes you feel slow? What gives you energy and what makes you tired? Study your habits, and note what works and what doesn’t.
- Hydrate sufficiently: 2 liters of water are recommended per day. Add some lemon or cucumber for an extra flavor!
- Take a rest from visual stimuli: you record so much visual stimulation and information throughout the day, give your eyes a rest. Resting your eyes for 5 minutes feels great, give it a try.
- Freshen up: shower or simply wash your face or hands. It refreshes you and gives you energy.
- Give yourself the best: don’t feel guilty when you take time to look after yourself. You are important and you can treat yourself that way!
Try to include these quick tips in your daily routine. Making it part of your daily life ensures the best results. This way you become your best self!
You may have read about the effect of a gratitude diary: a notebook (or app) in which you, for example, write down 5 things every morning and evening for which you are grateful. By focusing on what you do have, what is going well and the nice people you have around you, your sense of happiness grows. But in addition to this tip, we have a few more for you!
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Life is not as heavy as it seems:
Our thoughts easily get to us: “Pff, I really don’t feel it today, this will be a bad day.” and tada, at the end of the day it was a bad day. No matter how real these negative thoughts feel, they don’t have to make the truth. You determine what you think and to a large extent also how you feel. Your thoughts are super powerful, so try to evoke as many positive thoughts as possible and let the negative thoughts “pass” without attaching any value to them.
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Think about what is really important:
You are pulled in all directions, your work, your relationship, friends, household, social media. It all feels equally important. But is it all really that important? What is important differs per person, but ask yourself: what do I want to spend my time and energy on? If I look back on my life later, what more could I have wanted to do? And on what should I have spend less time?
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Small steps, big result:
Our daily life is busy, we want everything and that’s okay. But it can sometimes be overwhelming and this feeling makes you no longer know where to start. Try to ‘cut’ large projects / tasks or things that you don’t like in smaller steps. Ask yourself which small step you can take to make the situation a little better. Once you have taken the first step, you can ask yourself the question again. You go on and on! Problems seem (or are ultimately) less significant and this ensures that you experience less stress while you get more done. Win win!
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You can learn to accept:
“Life comes as it comes”, “it is what it is” or “c’est ça”, all statements that indicate that you can’t change life. If you often wish it to be different, you experience stress and negative feelings (such as dissatisfaction). Acceptance of what is ensures peace in your life. This does not mean that you “always have to let everything happen”, it mainly means that you use the current moment as a starting point. It is how it is and that determines your next steps and actions. Less stress, less dissatisfaction, more rest!
A toolset
These tips are actually all “tricks” or “tools” that you can teach yourself. They help to put things into perspective, accept things. you can not change, be in the present and be grateful for what is nice in your life. It reduces stress and the chance of an “off day” (because you will still have those sometimes!).
NiceDay actions
Keep your gratitude diary in NiceDay, write down what really matters to you and plan “small steps” on your daily planner. Also monitor your mood, hopefully these tips will ensure a positive mood! And don’t forget to share this article with someone who can also benefit from these tips!
When it comes to personal development, we find it important that we always continue to improve ourselves to become the best version of ourselves: we want to be more relaxed, more productive happier, more good looking. I also believe that learning and developing yourself gives meaning to your life: life becomes more interesting and enjoyable and it ultimately brings more happiness. You also discover who you are and what you want by doing and experiencing. At the same time it is also important to accept yourself as you are, this reinforces your self-image. Both of them turn out to lead to a healthier and happier life, but they sound contradictory. Is it possible to find a compromise between the two?
When you are working on yourself, it seems that you are not satisfied with yourself at the moment. “First I have to be perfect, only then can I really accept myself”. However, this is a mistake that many people make, including myself. Wanting to be perfect before you can accept yourself is never going to happen. I see many people around me who are constantly busy with being fitter, smarter, more popular, more social and never about to being satisfied with themselves.
I think it works the other way around: first you have to accept yourself as you are in order for you to grow. You are unique, you have your own personality with your strengths but also your weaknesses. Be yourself and appreciate the fact that you are unique, that is what makes you beautiful!
Tips for self-acceptance
- Self-reflection
Take some time off for yourself to think carefully. Ask yourself the following questions: How do I feel? Am I satisfied with my work? Do some people cost too much energy? What do I like to do and do I want it to do more often? What do I dislike and would I be able to do it less often?
Also try to reflect on moments when you can really be yourself. We all wear a mask because, for example, we do not dare to be ourselves. When can you be honest with your feelings and thoughts?
By taking time for yourself you unconsciously saying to yourself that you are important. That is a good way to get to know yourself and to love yourself more. That way you can bring more balance to your life and grow. - Take care of yourself
After your own self-reflection, you probably know how you can take care of yourself in the best way possible. I want you to relax by going to the movies, eating delicious food, reading a book, going for a walk, watching videos, taking a bath, going to the hairdresser. Try to recognize when you need a moment and plan a moment for yourself. Accepting yourself is also recognizing when you need some relaxation in your life. - Recognize your strengths
If you know which strengths you have, you can better accept your weaknesses. Make a list with all your strengths. If you find it difficult, you can also ask people in your surroundings to help you. You can fill in that list endlessly. If you are done filling in the list, hang it on your fridge, mirror, in your room, put it in your purse or wallet so that you do not forget what your strengths are. That way you are building self-knowledge and self-confidence. - Changing negative thoughts
We all have a voice in our heads that often criticizes us. He tells you things like “You are too fat”, “You can not handle that”, “You are not good enough”. Try to become aware of what your inner critic is saying by noticing when you are feeling a bit down. Your thoughts determine how you feel. When you catch your inner critic saying negative things, look at your own thoughts objectively and then ask yourself the following questions:
- What is the proof that this thought is true?
- What would a loved one say to me?
- Is this thoughts making me feel good?By looking at your thoughts from a distance and objectively answering these questions, you are challenging your thoughts. If your thoughts are hurting you, you have to come up with alternative thoughts that help you to put things in perspective and to move forward in your life.
Little steps towards your dreams
Now that you have learned to get to know yourself and accept yourself by reflecting, taking care of yourself and changing your negative thoughts, you also have a better idea of what you want out of life. Self-knowledge and self-love is already a huge part of personal development. Make a list of all the dreams that you have in your life. Choose the most important goals and make a plan which include small steps to your dreams. Setting small goals to achieve a bigger goal is very important. Indeed, setting a big goal can feel like a huge mountain that is impossible to climb. If you take baby steps towards your big goal, you make it much easier for yourself and in that way you also keep your motivation!
Today is Valentine’s Day! You either love it or you’d just rather stay in bed watching Netflix. Some people dislike Valentine’s Day because they think it’s commercial nonsense or they dislike this day because they are single. It is true, Valentine’s Day is a day to please your partner or your secret lover, but this day also gives you the opportunity to spoil yourself! Valentine’s day is a day to give extra love to others and to receive love from others and in this article you will read tips so today can and will be fun for everyone.
1. Food is life
(Mostly) everyone loves food and food brings people together. When you are not in a relationship you can invite some friends to come over and ask them to bring some delicious food with them. In this way you will create a lovely feast. Surprise these friends with a red rose and a card with a sweet message. If you do have a partner, you can prepare his/hers favorite dish. If you don’t feel like cooking, you can order your partner’s favorite food as a surprise or you can take your lover out for dinner. Enjoy!
2. Me myself and I
No one will learn you how to love yourself apart from you. It is important to be kind to yourself everyday, but on Valentine’s Day you can spoil yourself a little extra. Eat your favorite food (even though it might not be that healthy) and buy that lovely perfume you have always wanted. Don’t hold yourself back on Valentine’s Day and be good to yourself.
3. Gratitude
Often we don’t pay a lot attention to the little things in life. But it is especially the little things that make life so special! Today is a good occasion to think about the things in life that you are grateful for. You can for example be grateful for the nice weather and sun rays we got the past couple of days or you can be grateful for a (work-related) opportunity which was given to you. You are also probably grateful for certain people in your life. Show your gratitude by writing a sweet card, letter or whatsapp message to them.
NiceDay: do not let Valentine’s Day pass you by and spread some love this day. Write down in your diary what this day means to you and how you envision Valentine’s Day.
Love
Love is a universal theme. A lot of books, movies and musicals have been written about love. Unfortunately, a lot of these stories are about romantic love and almost never about self-love. People spend a lot of time fantasising about finding ‘true love’ and long to find someone they can call their soulmate. What if you turn it around and make it all about self-love instead of finding ‘true love’. How about being ‘the one’ for yourself instead of searching for the one?
Self-acceptance
Research shows that self-acceptance is an important part of self-love. This means that you accept yourself completely; the good things about you and all your flaws. Imagine how you perceive your best friend and try to accept and perceive yourself the same way. By doing this you can develop a more positive self image and this is a essential part of a healthy and happy (romantic) relationship. Researchers found out that the people who show more self-acceptance are more likely to engage in healthy relationships. These people show less jealous behaviour, they are less likely to seek confirmation through others and are more caring towards others.
Achieving self-acceptance: how?
Love is a verb meaning that you’ll have to actively work on it and this is important to remind yourself daily. Here are a couple of ways how you can achieve more self-acceptance:
- Be proud of yourself. Try to keep up a diary in which you write daily about something you’re proud of. Try to do this daily and hopefully this can help you to feel more proud of the things you achieve. For instance you can write down “I cooked a delicious meal for myself”. It’s all about the small and simple things you do for you.
- Try to be more compassionate. You have to deal 24/7 with yourself and the more kindness you show to yourself, the more you will like yourself.
- Surround yourself with friends and family that are close to you. This will help you to accept yourself more. A social safety net helps us to cope with all the struggles in life and makes us feel connected in this life.
- Take yourself out on a date. Go see a movie by yourself, treat yourself a nice cup of coffee or make a trip just by yourself. Going on dates with yourself can help you become more comfortable with being alone and make you realise “I am enough”.
Last but not least: be patient with yourself. It takes time to achieve more self-acceptance and it’s a process you go through.
NiceDay app
Try to keep a diary for a week about the the things you’re proud of.
Hopefully we all know how important is it to love yourself. But it seems to be one of the hardest things to do. We all have vulnerabilities and tend to be more strict for ourselves than for others, for the ones we care about.
The first time I realized that was when someone said the following to me: “Turn it around, if I did that, would you react so harshly? Or would you be understanding and would you support me?” It hit me, I would indeed never respond like that to my best friend. Of course, you want the best for yourself. Unfortunately, in most cases loving yourself is something you have to learn. And that is possible!
Start with someone else and work towards yourself
Loving, supporting and motivating someone else might be easier for you. So start with someone you care about a lot, think of him or her: your brother, best friend or your mother. Think of him or her and find out why you love this person so much. For example: you are honest, funny or inspiring. Then think of everything you want for him or her: I wish you happiness, love and health.
Try it for yourself now:
- I am smart
- I am funny
- I am a go-getter
- I wish that I feel happy
- I wish that I feel confident
- I wish I feel carefree
Make a list for yourself of the things you feel good about. It doesn’t have to be a long list. Do you still have some trouble? Then try to think about how others see you. What would your best friend or brother say about you? Write it down and read it when you need some love.
Tell yourself you love yourself!
Kamal Ravikant describes another trick in his book: just ‘say’ (in your mind) that you love yourself. When you are brushing your hair, cooking, walking or just before bedtime.
In the beginning it certainly feels uncomfortable and ‘crazy’. But it works! Your subconscious is in fact quite naïve and takes many things for truth. After a while you will really believe it. It will be your new truth!
Do you know a trick to stimulate self-love?
“Self-love is the source of all our other loves. ” – Pierre Corneille
NiceDay: Describe statements you tell yourself in your NiceDay diary and write down how you feel about it. You can also add a reminder to your Daily Planner to reflect on self-love every day!
On my travels I gained a lot of insights. Insights into who I am and how I want to live my life. I asked myself the Why question a lot and even though I am just getting started, it influenced the quality of my life tremendously already.
When you really want to discover things about your life, about who you are, what you want and think is important, and how you are going to achieve that, the Why question is an important one. The Why question touches on meaning, on origin, on motivation and passion. Why digs deeper than How and What. How and What flow from Why, and give it practical use.
The Why question
The Why question helps me to uncover the origin of my thoughts, behavior and actions. Research into this origin helps me to re-evaluate; if I understand it and if it still suits me. And, if not, can I change this origin? When change is not possible in the Why, I could take another route; changing my How and What for the same origin.
Let me explain. One of the most important themes for me, before and at the start of my travels, was why I had the feeling that I could sleep for at least three years, that I was exhausted, and that I could not go on like I did. I found the answers to those questions. I have never totally accepted myself for who I am. I was in denial about having Borderline Personality Disorder and that this disease brings things to the table. And I did not give it space. And with that, I lost energy by the minute. Energy that I did not have. Energy I borrowed. It led me to burn-out and heavy depressions. Desperate attempts of my body and soul to refill on energy. I also lost myself more and more. Because, without energy you can never be yourself fully, just a hollowed out version of you.
My origin will not and cannot change. I am Bouwke, a whole person, with Borderline. But then, then you reach the How and What. And beautiful things can happen. Because, there are multiple ways to reach Rome.
Being yourself
How can I be Bouwke? How can I be myself completely? So simple. So clear. In accepting and giving space to all sides of me. And How can I live my life in a way that all sides of me are facilitated? These How questions led me to so many important answers. I cherish loving, supporting, meaningful relationships. Also, I love playing sports and find it important to have peace and quiet once in a while. I like appreciation, love to help others and love to use my intelligence and creativity. At certain times I need to be alone. And so much more.
All this is part of me and it can help me rearrange my life. The What. What can I do? After revisiting my Why, and looking at my Why’s, I am now at a point in my life where I can try to put my insights into practice. One of them for example, is work. What do I want with work? My first decision is that I want to try to work only 24 for hours a week. 24 hours should be enough moneywise to cover the basics and some more. I would have enough time to recover and take rest and have enough time left to see friends, play sports, help others and for creativity.
Balancing work and private life
I have been working 24 hours a week for a while now, and I can say I am on the right track with this decision. Only recently I had a talk with one of my best friends. She asked me about our mutual friends. How they were doing. She’s been wanting to call them, but she is very busy. She shreds when I tell her that I am worried about one of our mutual friends. Oh, she should have called. She feels guilty. And though this is true for so many of us, and kind of normal already (that everyone is busy busy busy), I am happy that I created the time, space and energy to to talk to or see my friends and help them if they need it. And to just spontaneously help others. Just because I can. And If I do, I still have time to slowly wake up in the morning with a cup of coffee in bed. Or to do nothing on a Sunday and just recover. Without too much stimuli. All this gives me quality of life.
Making these choices is not always or only easy. A 24 hour work week brings in way less money and it proves to be difficult to find a fitting job. It will never work all at once. I just work now. Finding something where I can also use a lot of my capabilities will be a challenge. Or maybe I can find something in my free time that challenges me. Either way, I will be patient. Because I discovered what 24 hours does with my life. And I truly believe in why I do this. I have a lot of faith in my future, if I keep using my Why as a compass.
Do you ever ask yourself the Why question? I recommend you to try this once in a while. And have look at how you express your why and what you do. I think it can give you a lot of insights. Have fun with learning about you!
Valentine’s Day started off as the day of secret love: expose your love to the person you have feelings for, without telling who you are. In the 90’s the US changed this concept to a more commercial one. Halfway through the 90’s this concept spilled over to the Netherlands and now all shops are on board. Flowers, postcards, lingerie and teddy bears. All heart shaped red and cute.
One day in the year
Although love should not be celebrated on one specific day, a lot of people secretly like it. Couples surprise each other, go out for dinner together and are extra sweet to their loved ones. Red roses are everywhere and the restaurants are all booked. I also like it! Every year I send postcards to my grandfather. Years ago he sent me a postcard saying: ‘from your secret admirer.’ I was thinking about it for days. Later my mom told me it was my grandfather, and so the tradition started.
But I also show my love to my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. My jeans is covered in glue, because of the postcard I just made for him, red hearts included. Unfortunately I will not see him today, but I tried my best to surprise him.
But why just one day?
Do I feel bad for not seeing him today? Yes, of course. For the first time I spend so much effort on Valentine’s Day, including a postcard and sweet words. But like I said: it should not be celebrated on just one specific day, but year round! Why are we not doing this more often? And with ‘this’ I do not mean the presents. But I mean love! A handwritten letter, a cup of coffee in bed or a snack from the supermarket. This way you can show your partner you love him or her.
Saying ‘I love you’ everyday becomes a habit soon. I feel like everytime I say it, it loses value. That is not OK! That is why we do not say it very often. But when I got the flu last week and I silently got out of bed not to wake up my partner, I heard him say: ‘pssst, I love you!’, and I felt butterflies. I am such a disaster when I am sick, but he knows when I can use a boost.
Role models of love
I have a couple of beautiful examples in my life! The parents of my mother are married for 59 years now. They fight, but you can definitely see they still love each other. My mother and her boyfriend barely fight. Of course they have disagreements, but no fights. And my father and his girlfriend support each other in everything. When my dad got sick, she was always there for him! Now I see what real love is. Not only in my own relationship, but also in my friends. It is so important to have loving friends around you.
Self love
Before you love someone, you should love yourself first. I never understood why, but now I do. Now I am happy with myself, I can give so much more! Are you alone on Valentine’s Day? Celebrate! Buy chocolates for yourself, make your favorite dinner and get some wine. Wear your favorite clothes, invite some friends or spend some time alone on the couch. Enjoy!
Today’s song goes back to the first movie me and my boyfriend watched together. ‘Shall we dance’ was on TV that night and also our first kiss happened during this movie. I choose for ‘Sway’ from The Pussycat Dolls. Cheesy, but it is about the thought behind it. A song that it also close to me because of its lyrics: ‘Love me like you do’ from Ellie Goulding.
Have a nice Valentine’s Day and see you next week!
Love, Renée
