Everybody is different. That also means that in a relationship you express your love in different ways. Where one uses words to express love, the other may be focused on physical touch; you call this your love language. How do you show your love?

Love language

Relationship therapist and anthropologist Gary Chapman wanted to understand why so many relationships break up and explored love languages. His goal? To make sure relationships succeed! His conclusion was that everyone has their own “love language”. If your love language is different from that of your partner, this can cause miscommunication. And if there is miscommunication, the chance that you will grow apart as partners increases. It’s as if one speaks Chinese and the other Spanish; it is impossible to properly understand each other. Time to find out what love language you and your partner have!

How do you and your partner show each other love?

• Positive words

If this is your way of expressing love, then you probably value compliments from your partner. You prefer your partner using words to express his/her love. Someone with this love language is extra sensitive to positive words. If someone doesn’t express themselves with words, you might feel emotionally neglected or rejected.

• Time and attention

If you like to invest time and attention in your partner, then you probably find it important to experience this the other way around as well. If your partner pays a lot of attention to you, spends time with you and does fun things with you, that will make you very happy. So if that doesn’t happen (for example because your partner cancels appointments or doesn’t really listen to you) you may feel very disappointed.

• Giving and receiving presents

If you enjoy pampering your partner, for example by unexpectedly giving your partner a present, then you will also appreciate receiving these gestures from him/her. You enjoy getting presents from your partner because it makes you feel like your partner cares about you. It’s not about buying expensive gifts, it is rather about thoughtfulness and effort.

• Being helpful

When you speak this love language, you express your love by executing tasks. This could be anything: taking out the trash, doing the dishes or tidying the house because you know your partner appreciates it. Some people prefer their partner being helpful over getting compliments. If your partner is not helpful, whilst this is your own love language, you may experience it as hurtful or you may not feel taken seriously.

• Physical touch

This is not just about sex, but also about walking hand in hand, sitting next to each other or cuddling on the couch, being touched when your partner walks past you. When someone does not touch you, while this is your love language, it can quickly feel like rejection.

Talk to each other

It is important to understand what each other’s love language is. By knowing this, you can both learn what you like, and you can take each other’s feelings into account. When you talk about your love language, you can then take them into account and grow closer to each other instead of apart!

As you can see, the corona crisis has a major impact on every area of ​​our lives. It is not a surprise to hear that the entire corona situation also has an effect on relationships. Suddenly you see each other (very) often or you suddenly see each other very little. Conclusion: it is not easy at all. The situation we are currently in is a true relationship test. How can you pass this test?

Suddenly you see each other a lot

You live together and you may also work from home. When you first saw each other every morning and in the evening, you now see each other throughout the day. This is quite a change. Having more arguments during quarantine has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship. It has to do with the sudden change in our world. We are creatures of habit and suddenly our habits are no longer habits. Which things can you do to keep your relationship healthy?

• Talk to each other about the unusual situation and all the feelings that come with it. It is normal to change moods more often. It is normal to feel insecure and it is normal not to know exactly how you are feeling.
• Give each other space. Once living together, it is important to give each other some alone time. It’s okay to say, for example; “I’m just blowing off some steam for 10 minutes, this will calm me down a bit. After that I will be ready to talk about it.” 
• It is important to make time for moments together. This may sound a bit strange, but before corona you might go to the cinema or go out for dinner. Almost everything is closed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything. You can do outdoor activities such as going out for walks or skating. Or you could turn your living room into a cinema and order your favorite food.
• When you both are working from home, it is nice to set up different workplaces. Switch from spots during the day and in this way you provide variety for you and your partner. Tip: leave a sweet note on the kitchen table for your partner so that he/she reads this when you change places.

Suddenly you see each other less often

If you do not live together, you may suddenly see each other much less. How to keep the relationship exciting during this period of time?

• The golden rule is to keep talking to each other. Let the other person know how you  feel and what you’re thinking. Call or facetime each other when you’re feeling good and also when you’re feeling not that well. Thanks to facetime all non-verbal communication will also be visible to the other person. When there is only text contact, the messages can be interpreted differently.
• Make specific and clear agreements with each other. How often do you want facetimes and when? If you make this concrete, no misunderstandings can arise.
• Send cute postcards to each other, it is great fun to surprise each other that way.
• Make plans for what you will do after the corona time. Ask your partner to make a list and go through your lists. Fantasize about the fun things you will be doing after this time.
• Be creative: of course, there are a lot of things you can not do right now. Maybe you used to cook together. In this case, try to be creative: buy the same ingredients and cook the same dish through facetime. Eat the same dish ‘together’ and experience the same taste. 

A message for everyone

If you as a couple make it through a situation like this, chances are you can go through anything. So try to be brave and don’t give up. Keep taking good care of yourself and support each other.

In a earlier blog I told you that I have a “self-care day” to meditate and reflect. A while ago I read the book Happy Life 365 by Kelly Weekers. I use this book as a guide to evaluate my life. In her book, Kelly explains a method for evaluating different parts of your life: yourself, vitality, work & career and love & relationships. You grade  these parts and you decide what grade you would want it to have. In this blog you can read how I reflect on my life

Yourself

I ask myself the questions: how happy am I? How do I feel? I give this feeling a grade by looking at my feelings from the past week. I track these feelings in the NiceDay App. Then I switch to my activities: how often have I been exercising? When did I meditate? Did I have time planned for relaxation? I make a list of things that made me feel good and things that gave me tension. What can I do to feel better about myself? What made me feel bad? What adjustments can I make to improve these negative factors in my life?

Vitality

Do I feel fit? restlessness, tired or active? I give my vitality a rating. And I explore where this feeling comes from. Have I been outside enough this past week? Have I played enough? Did I sleep enough? Or did I work too much, ate healthy or did I drank too much alcohol? Of course I look again at how I can make adjustments to improve the level of vitality.

Work & career

This section is about my job and how I felt at work last week. I also give this a grade and I look at various factors: how many hours did  I work, what was the atmosphere in the workplace or did I experience stress? 

Love & relationships

For this subject I make a list of people who have influenced me positively or negatively during the past week. I also give this a grade. When evaluating relationships, I find it important to reflect on my own feelings: “Why did person X make me feel that way?” And “What is my influence on this relationship?”

Actions points 

From the evaluation of these four parts, I make a small list of a maximum of ten “action points”, which I will work on in the following week. Last week, for example, that list looked like this:

• Prepare well for an upcoming lesson
• Make time for reading my book
• Exercise a minimum of three times this week
• Maintain the pleasant atmosphere at work by planning well and blocking parts of the day in my agenda
• Forgive person X 
• Maintaining the happy feeling in my relationship by continuing to plan fun evenings together

So should you ever feel the need to take a good look at your life? Here you have my tips! And do you want to know more about the lifescan and inspiration to make yourself feel happier on a daily basis? Read the book “Happy Life 365” by Kelly Weekers!

Love,

Mara

Many people feel a sense of discomfort and shame when it comes to sex. Sometimes the fear and shame are so great that talking about sex is even avoided, with all its consequences. This is a waste, because talking about sex with your (bed)partner has many benefits for your emotional state and the relationship with the other person.

Benefits of talking about sex

Research shows that your self-confidence and sexual health increases if you dare to talk about sex. Especially when you talk about what you like, what your insecurities are and when you talk about the use of birth control. In addition, you start thinking more about your sexual health, which also reduces the threshold of the conversation about condom use with a new bed partner.

Sharing is caring

Because you discuss what your needs and fantasies are, others can also learn from them. Of course this also works the other way around, you can be inspired by the stories of others. You also learn from each other about what you encounter when it comes to communicating about sex. 

Talking about sex why feels a bit uncomfortable for you. But who knows, a new world of pleasure will open for you!

Less shame 

By talking about sex you will probably identify more with the other person and this will reduce shame and discomfort. In addition, it creates a relationship of trust because you share something intimate.

Practical tips

Do you want talk about sex with your (bed) partner? Read these tips:

• Talk about sex before you start having sex. This prevents that uncertainties arise and that someone else may cross your boundaries.
• Literally talk about the discomfort and shame you experience when discussing about this topic. It will gives the other person room to put you at ease and to help you to reduce the discomfort.
• Find out for yourself why you experience discomfort or shame with the subject of sex. Have you had any bad sexual experiences in the past? Perhaps it helps to talk to a professional.
• View or read together with your (bed) partner what you find erotic or exciting. This can be a scene from a movie or a passage from a book. The advantage of this is that you can explain to the other person in a visual way what you like.
• Remember: the less clear you are to your (bed) partner, the less he or she will understand you. Try to get over your shame and talk about it!

NiceDay actions

Do you want to learn to talk about sex? The NiceDay app can help you. Write it as an activity in your diary or ask your coach for help. And do not forget: as with many things in life, it’s all about practice, practice, practice!

If you just started a new relationship you may be feeling a lot of feelings. From leftover first dates nerves to being crazy excited, solidifying your status with a new partner sometimes means some big lifestyle changes. If you’ve just started a new relationship, it can be monumental to remember to take time for yourself. While you care for your new partner deeply, checking in with your own thoughts and feelings is still important.

Mantras are a great way to recenter your thoughts and remember your strength. A mantra can be thought of as a seed for energising an intention. Much in the same way you plant a flower seed, you plant mantras in the fertile soil of practice. You nurture them and over time they bear the fruit of your intention. Starting a new relationship can be intimidating, but it’s important to remember that you deserve all the love and happiness this world has to offer.

If you’ve just started a new romance, and you’re feeling a lot of feelings, here are some mantras to keep you calm and confident.

I deserved to be happy and loved and everything is going to be ok

If you haven’t dated for a while, if you’ve never had a partner, or if your last relationship left you heart broken, the prospect of a new relationship may be a little nerve-wracking. Remembering you are strong, that you deserve all the love in the world, and that no matter what this new relationship has in store you are going to be OK.

I am choosing to be with this person in this moment

If your new relationship seems to be moving fast or if you can’t seem to stop thinking about the future, it can be helpful to take a breathe and live in the moment. Remember that you are choosing to date your partner, choosing to spend your precious time with them, and that you are choosing so in this moment. Starting a new relationship doesn’t mean you’re bound to them for life, or that you’ll never date other people again — it can mean whatever you want it to mean.

I will still make time for myself, my friends and my hobbies

New relationships are exciting, but having a partner doesn’t mean leaving your own life behind. Remembering to take time for yourself and your needs, as well as your friends and family, is an important practice as you start a new relationship. Marking out specific nights to go to the gym, do a face mask, or to have dinner with friend can set health boundaries and provide you with space to be your own person.

I was full and complete before the relationship and I will be full and complete if this ends

Finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with you can feel like finding a missing piece to a puzzle. Yet, you are full and complete no matter your romantic status. Your new partner may be the butter to your bread, but let’s not forget: bread and butter are awesome on their own too. Going into a new relationship, it’s important to remember you were full and whole before you and your partner defined the relationship, and in the event of a breakup, you’ll be full and whole again.

There will be moments that you are not sure about your relationship. Having doubts is normal, and often these doubts will disappear. But sometimes the doubts remain and you are stuck with mixed feelings. You experience complicated feelings towards your partner. These feelings can get you really confused: sometimes you love your partner and you never want to lose him/her, and sometimes you experience feelings of hatred or anger towards your partner. This can be a complicated process and it often leads to fatigue. Below are a few tips to deal with your mixed feelings.

Communicate
It’s easy to just ignore the problem and to pretend like your mixed feelings don’t exist. By doing this, the problem will continue to exist and the problem only gets bigger. The best way to deal with the situation is to tell your partner about your feelings. Announce that you want to tell something important that has been on your mind lately. Try to be as honest as you can. Find a quiet place where you can have the conversation without being disturbed.

Stick to yourself
The way you communicate is also very important. People often project their own feelings to another person and this way the conversation could go wrong: there could be a discussion or even a fight. When you communicate with your partner, it’s important that you use the I-perspective instead of the you-perspective. An example of this is ‘I experience that we have less time for each other’ instead of ‘Why don’t you have time for me?’

Me-time
Every person benefits from having some time to themselves. Taking time for yourself is very important. It’s good to figure out where your mixed feelings come from. When did they arise and was there a certain reason for them to arise? During this time you spend alone, it will get clear what really makes you happy in life. When you are surrounded by your partner all the time, it could be hard to listen to your own inner voice. Things that are helpful to do during this time for yourself is to write all your feelings down. If you prefer to be active, you can for example go for a walk.

Pros and cons
Take some time to write down the pros and cons of your relationship. What do you appreciate about the relationship with your partner and what do you appreciate less? What would happen if you end the relationship and what would happen if you continue the relationship? How would it be like if you have to live your life without her/him? Consider how you would feel in every situation.

Once you have gone through the above points, it’s up to you to make a decision. The decision you make is the one you feel most comfortable with.

Sometimes the struggle is what makes success even sweeter.