Last year I was part of an event called Last Man Standing. An initiative of the nonprofit organization MIND. Together with 100 other participants, I endured 6 hours of standing on a pole of 20 cm by 20 cm, in a lake, with a lot of wind. An endurance challenge to visualize the waiting lists in Mental Health care. I never expected to make it to 6 hours, but I did! Together with more than 80 percent of the participants. And when you step off that pole you realize, that with a good cause, a group of motivated people, music and support from the shoreside, you can achieve great things.
This year I will participate again. This time for a mentally healthy youth (MIND YOUNG). Another great cause. Because, whether or not you struggle with something, it is important to know, when you are young, that you can talk about anything. With someone. Without taboo. Without fear of disapproval. Without being seen as weak.
Puberty and young adulthood are, in itself, already turbulent. There are so many things happening, so much to learn, to see, and to experience. So many things that can influence you and so many things you can be. So much to choose, so much to fit in to, and so much to resist. To become your own person is quite the challenge for our youth and their surroundings. But it is a natural process of becoming an adult. And most of us make it to the other end, with a lot of fun too. But still, a lot of young people also will not make it or will not know fun.
My development into adulthood was roughly disrupted by Borderline. An emotion regulation disorder. I could not cope with all this turbulence. I did not know what to do anymore. My emotions became my enemy.
My puberty and young adulthood were dark and hard. A few times I wanted to give up. I did not believe in life anymore, or in that things could be well or were going to be okay (despite how many times people told me they would be). My emotional pain was so intense that I preferred physical pain as a distraction. My life, and clothing style, was black. I wanted to disappear. I did not understand who I was, where or with whom I wanted to fit in, and how this thing called life should be lived. I was consumed by worry, fear, pain, anger and especially desperation.
But that did not show. I finished my gymnasium and 3 college degrees, and started a successful management career. I had friends and played sports. But it often felt empty inside, as if I was not totally there, as myself, living life. And I was tired, so very tired. I did not dare to share this with anybody. Just carry on, I thought. Carry on. Survive.
I still have Borderline. But I am way more than that now. I know who I am. What I am good at, what I like, what I need. And it is so much more than the disorder. You know what is beautiful too? When you start being aware and taking care of the whole person you are, you see that small part of you that once defined you and your life, become smaller and smaller, and manageable. I created space for myself and in this way created more peace and overview. I can be myself now. Now that I am somewhat older (36), I have a lot more overview, I understand better how life works and how I can relate to life in a more peaceful way.
At age 32, I started 18 months of Mentalization Based Therapy. A therapy especially for Borderline. It benefited me greatly. I am lucky that I could and was able to work so much on my struggles, eventually also with help. And this is when I also realized what I had missed when I was younger: support, love and professional help. The period that you need it the most. Especially when you struggle with your mental or physical health. And that is why I recon Last Man Standing and their cause to be so important. The more information is shared and the more we talk about it, the sooner our youth will dare to talk about their struggles too, and the sooner they can get help. I want this out of the taboo and stigmatization. I want more understanding, knowledge and openness. And I want more tools for recognizing mental health problems; for families, at schools, and in groups of friends. And for ourselves. The sooner we know something is not right, the more opportunities we get to create better quality of life and lights at the end of the tunnel.
Last Man Standing will take place on June 23rd at the Markermeer. I will try to stand for 6 hours again. And you can also participate! You can register at www.doemeemetmind.nl (click on ‘ik wil meedoen’). You can participate with my team or start your own team. My team is registered under ‘Team Bouwke’. You are very welcome to join!
“You are doing well. You’re on the rise!” People said around me. Enthusiastically I pressed the buttons of higher and higher floors.
Indeed, lately I feel good and see that my life, according to the social norms, is heading in the right direction. I started exercising, I finally have a steady relationship, and I teach more courses. People are happy for me and I am also very happy for me as well! But alas, if things are going well, I want more. Then I want a ‘normal life’ like everyone else that has no disability.
My spring courses had almost come to an end and I dreamed of organizing an extra course on my own. After all, I was doing well, so why not? Organizing some activity is unfortunately not my strongest quality and it cost me more stress than I had anticipated. But at the time I didn’t want to pay any attention to it. I kept going, because I was on the rise.
A few weeks before the start of that course, fear hit me. Already a couple of times I woke up anxiously, but still I ignored it. The stress continued to increase and in the end I thought: do I really want this? Is this really good for me? On a whim (or was it a firm action?) I pressed the emergency button of the elevator. I canceled the reservation for the location, emailed everyone that it did not go through and made my apologies. A burden fell off me and I could breathe again.
Now the central question is: have I acted well? Did I take good care of myself this time, or did I let myself be guided by my fears again?
Identify stress in time
That remains difficult. I suffer daily from anxiety and stress. But sometimes it is clearly worse. At times I wake up in the morning with a shivering body as if it were electrified. Even this, though, I’m able to ignore. I think that I have to be strong and should not nag about it. The signals can also be more unclear. Then my days become increasingly chaotic. I do everything and nothing at all. Those days can last for a long time, but in the end it gets me down.
So the question is: When do you signal stress in time?
Weighing the signals
You can detect stress or other signals in time, but then you still don’t know how to react to it. This time I didn’t ask myself well enough how serious the signals were. I said to myself: “Ah, dude, tension is part of it. You can handle this!” In the end, I woke up in sheer panic. Only then did I realize that I had previously weighed the signals too lightly.
So the question is: How burdensome and urgent are you signals?
Much on my plate
As I said, if things are going well for me, I want to do more and more, to be more like people without a disability. Then I take more on my plate. I forget, however, that I only have a little plate to fill. Naturally, it is not a good thing to drop everything when a bit of stress and anxiety hits me, to protect myself excessively. In that case I would let myself be governed by fear. Conversely, it is also not smart to pretend that I can handle everything. Then in the end the burden will put me down as well, even worse. The question I should ask myself is whether I can really handle the stress and fears which come with that activity.
So the question is: How much is good for you?
The price I want to pay
Ignoring and underestimating signals has a price. Taking on an activity also has a price. Overestimating signals and doing no more activities also have their price. What does it really cost me and what does it bring me? So I have to wonder what the real price is and if that price is a good price for me. It is not only the question whether I can afford it, but also whether I want to pay that price.
So the question is: Which price do you want to pay?
Endless wavering
Looking back at my decision, the burden of giving a self-organized course and the stress it gave me, does not outweigh the pleasure and satisfaction that I would get from it. If I am realistic and mild to myself, I shouldn’t want to pay that price. So, in this case, it has been a good decision to press the emergency button! Of course, it remains a laborious and uncertain compromise between two extremes of too early & too late, of too light & too heavy, of too little & too much, and of too low & too high. But be on time to signal the stress and ask yourself what it’s all worth to you and what price you really want to pay.
Walking across the street you see the guy who tried to hit on you in the pub. Quickly you hide behind a bush because you are not ready for the confrontation. A few days later you see him again, again you hide behind a bush so he can not approach you. But after many successful avoidances, you could not avoid him anymore: you are chatting with a friend and suddenly he taps on your shoulder.
This fictional story represents the topic that I want to talk about today: avoidance. This is something that I am an experienced expert in. The boy in the story represents the emotions with the associated pain. The bush stands for avoiding confrontation and chatting with a friend represents an enjoyable activity.
There are those days that you just do not feel well. The days are long and you have to drag yourself through them. Moreover, you are confronted with negative thoughts and the accompanying emotions. On a scale of 1 to 10 the gloom is 10+. To protect yourself, you focus on other activities such as sports or gaming. In my case, avoidance was full of plans, especially during the day. During the week I made sure that I was either studying or working. At the weekend I met up with friends or went to parties. In this way I did not have time to think about everything that was going on inside me at that moment. At those moments I did not have to feel my emotions and therefore did not allow them. It felt so good! I got the illusion that everything went fine and that I was doing a good job. However, after two weeks this got too much for me. The sadness, the anger and the fear tapped on my shoulder and could no longer be avoided. I collapsed completely and it took longer than those two weeks of avoidance to get back in balance. I had to face the confrontation: now.
I now understand that avoiding your emotions and even a depression is not the answer. It will just get worse. At times like now, things sometimes go wrong and I catch myself that I am avoiding again. The difference with a few months ago is that I can recognize it. As a result, I am not avoiding two weeks, but ‘only’ two days, so that I do not collapse completely. When I notice I am doing it again, I tell myself: stop and think, is this the way you want it to be? Avoidance does not help, it only makes things worse.
It is difficult to unlearn something that you have been doing for a long time, but if you really want to get better, you have to break through those patterns. That will go by trial and error, but the result will be more than worth it.
Everything that drowned me, taught me how to swim – Jenim Dibie
Love, Ghyta
Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Never felt a feeling of comfort
All this time, I’ve been hiding….
…I’m in need of a savior, but I’m not asking for favors
My whole life, I’ve felt like a burden
I think too much and I hate it…..
….I’ve been quiet for too long
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for so long
(Marshmello ft. Khalid – Silence)
This song hits so many sore spots on the skin of my life. The fighting, the hiding, the absence of love and the feeling of being a burden.
When I was younger there only was silence for my true and complete self. Because I was fighting a loud and violent war. At first you think you are fighting the world and everything in it, but slowly you discover that the main fight is raging inside of yourself. You have a silent killer in you: your own brain and chemistry. It is fighting everything you are or want to become. Slowly spreading darkness.
I used to have so much anger, pain and fear. Fighting seemed the only thing to keep me alive. But it is not. It had nothing to do with living or being alive. It is survival. So many people fight their way through life. It seems something we are programmed to do. To fight adversity and pain. And, honestly, I don’t know if I made it up to here if I had not fought. It was the only way I knew. But you cannot fight forever. It wears you out and exhausts you. Till there is nothing but a hollow shell.
I was in need of a savior. And there was only one. Me.
The moment I realized this, I stopped to just assess the situation (I had too, because I could literally sleep for 3 years), I started my transformation from fighter to lover. That was three years ago.
Looking back on this period, I can distinguish 4 important phases.
- Diagnosis and acceptance
I went to a psychologist of my choosing and was as open as I could be. I got my diagnosis and the process of acceptance of being ill started. - Action and commitment – therapy and medication
Together we chose an 18 months’ treatment to start a healing and coping process. I also got medication to stabilize my moods and thoughts a little. It took commitment to finish what I started. Commitment to myself. I floated somewhere in between fighting and loving. - The whole picture – seeing myself and loving her
After therapy I traveled the world, alone. To get to know myself better. The whole me. Not only the fighter of a disease, but also the other silent one. The process of love started. I gave myself a chance to start over. - Changing my life
During my travels I learned so much about myself. Who I was, but also what I needed. I am trying to organize and life my life in a way that fits me. That is the most loving thing you can give yourself. And eventually others. Because when the fighting stops or lessens, you have a lot of true loving energy left-over.
Having named these four phases, I want you to know that transformation and change are not easy, as love and life are not. Not now and, even, not ever. And that transformation and life are circles. You will encounter situations or events that will force you to make a transformation, again, and again. Just aging alone will trigger those. There will always be bumps, large and small. We need to see and live these ‘ugly’ and painful sides of life too. But that does not mean that you can’t love life. It’s the whole experience that will hopefully end up to be beautiful.
For me, right now, life is difficult. I can say I feel lost in phase 4. I have gained knowledge, but to organize this knowledge into a new state of being is proving to be very hard.
All I can do, I think, is try to see the good in this too. To look back and see that chaos always gave me a new balance, eventually. I should have faith in that.
If you want to transform, promise yourself work and commitment. Look at yourself and others with love, forgiveness and kindness. And please give yourself time. Your feelings, pace, and journey are valid and only yours to discover. Do not compare yourself to others to fight yourself, compare to love or learn from the differences.
If you are currently fighting something or everything, try to transform fighting into loving. I know it will give you your life back and help you get through everything life will throw at you.
Like Mahatma Ghandi said, “where there is love, there is life”. And I belief it to be true. You will always find more strength in love than in fight.
Have a loving journey!
Valentine’s Day started off as the day of secret love: expose your love to the person you have feelings for, without telling who you are. In the 90’s the US changed this concept to a more commercial one. Halfway through the 90’s this concept spilled over to the Netherlands and now all shops are on board. Flowers, postcards, lingerie and teddy bears. All heart shaped red and cute.
One day in the year
Although love should not be celebrated on one specific day, a lot of people secretly like it. Couples surprise each other, go out for dinner together and are extra sweet to their loved ones. Red roses are everywhere and the restaurants are all booked. I also like it! Every year I send postcards to my grandfather. Years ago he sent me a postcard saying: ‘from your secret admirer.’ I was thinking about it for days. Later my mom told me it was my grandfather, and so the tradition started.
But I also show my love to my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. My jeans is covered in glue, because of the postcard I just made for him, red hearts included. Unfortunately I will not see him today, but I tried my best to surprise him.
But why just one day?
Do I feel bad for not seeing him today? Yes, of course. For the first time I spend so much effort on Valentine’s Day, including a postcard and sweet words. But like I said: it should not be celebrated on just one specific day, but year round! Why are we not doing this more often? And with ‘this’ I do not mean the presents. But I mean love! A handwritten letter, a cup of coffee in bed or a snack from the supermarket. This way you can show your partner you love him or her.
Saying ‘I love you’ everyday becomes a habit soon. I feel like everytime I say it, it loses value. That is not OK! That is why we do not say it very often. But when I got the flu last week and I silently got out of bed not to wake up my partner, I heard him say: ‘pssst, I love you!’, and I felt butterflies. I am such a disaster when I am sick, but he knows when I can use a boost.
Role models of love
I have a couple of beautiful examples in my life! The parents of my mother are married for 59 years now. They fight, but you can definitely see they still love each other. My mother and her boyfriend barely fight. Of course they have disagreements, but no fights. And my father and his girlfriend support each other in everything. When my dad got sick, she was always there for him! Now I see what real love is. Not only in my own relationship, but also in my friends. It is so important to have loving friends around you.
Self love
Before you love someone, you should love yourself first. I never understood why, but now I do. Now I am happy with myself, I can give so much more! Are you alone on Valentine’s Day? Celebrate! Buy chocolates for yourself, make your favorite dinner and get some wine. Wear your favorite clothes, invite some friends or spend some time alone on the couch. Enjoy!
Today’s song goes back to the first movie me and my boyfriend watched together. ‘Shall we dance’ was on TV that night and also our first kiss happened during this movie. I choose for ‘Sway’ from The Pussycat Dolls. Cheesy, but it is about the thought behind it. A song that it also close to me because of its lyrics: ‘Love me like you do’ from Ellie Goulding.
Have a nice Valentine’s Day and see you next week!
Love, Renée
“Actually, I would rather not go to your brother’s birthday,” I said to my partner, “but of course I would like to join anyway.” “What? What do you mean? ” She said a bit frustrated. “If you do not want to come, you do not need to. Do not feel obligated! ” “No, I do want to come!” I said. The beginning of a quarrel seemed inevitable.
My shadow side
Of course it is at times very confusing with me. It happens quite often that I say opposite things; that I want something and at the same time do not want it. That is,not only very incomprehensible, annoying and frustrating for me, but especially for outsiders, family, friends and especially for my partner.
I do not really want to go to social gatherings because of my anxiety. I do not like to go to places where there are many people. Then I feel watched, anxious, insecure and failed. I have an ache in my stomach, need to go the toilet ten times and become stiffen. Preferably I crawl in my safe bubble and stay at home. But at the same time I want to get out of the house, be among people. I love people! Personally, I am very social.
I am actually an extrovert person. But alas one with traumas. Because of these traumas I have developed an anxiety and avoidance personality disorder. This combination often causes conflicting feelings, thoughts and behavior. Out of my anxiety I avoid many activities, but I am not happy with that. To talk about this to other people is a difficult matter because it is so confusing. Confusing for me and for them. “Do you want it or not?” They ask me, slightly annoyed. They do not know how to deal with my conflicting behavior. “You do not need to if you do not want to … ” they’ll say angrily. “I do and I don’t” I reply. This often leads to misunderstanding, impatience and sometimes even to quarrels. People feel personally addressed, indignant or even attacked.
My mad whims
You cannot always see it at a glance. Sometimes I am just plain old me, super relaxed, nothing wrong. But sometimes a single word, sound or smell can trigger my trauma. Then suddenly my eyes wet, I can not utter a word and you see me swallow away “something” with a distorted face. Sometimes I burst into tears full out. That is very embarrassing; the others often are too. It also can happen that I freeze with big eyes, crawl into myself and react like a robot. Or I just respond in panic and suddenly run away. Just for no reason. So I look a bit weird sometimes!
In other situations I can become quite over-stimulated. When people are around me for too long a time, my anxiety makes me feel super exhausted – even if it is my own beloved partner! My ‘alarm system’ will then be on high alert for too long. I know that it is not necessary, but I feel very anxious and tense anyway. After a while I become quiet and wary, overly sensitive and enormously tired. I close up, away from the world, and to others I come across as distant and uninterested. For the outsider it seems that I do not want to be social, that I do not like the other person or something like that. They often take it too personally. And that gives quite a lot of tension in relationships.
It would be nice if I could warn the other person in such situations and explain what happens in my body and brain. That I can indicate in a neutral way that I do not do it deliberately, that I do not respond with a reason or intention. That I would rather have wanted to be different myself too. It would help me a lot if I could make it clear that it is not the responsibility of the other person and certainly is not aimed at the other person. The other person could then understand that he does not have to take it personally, just need to be open to my ‘mad whims’.
Code word
My partner and I have come up with a code word that can provide a solution. The mentioning of such a word when I act a bit strange, takes away a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. When I say that word, she knows that she does not have to feel offended or attacked when I show strange behavior again, when I say one thing and want another. When she hears the code word she plainly accepts the situation, because she knows that it is not me personally but that it is my condition that affects me. Because of this we both feel less guilty and peace can return quite quickly.
My code word is therefore ‘mad whims’ and really is a blessing. When I feel anxious but still want to go to a party, for example, I do not have to cover up my feelings and anxious irrational attitude. I also do not have to lie about it. By saying that I am suffering from my mad wims, me and the other can distinguish between myself as a person and myself as a patient – to say it a bit dramatically. When I use that word, my partner knows that what I feel and say at that moment can be incomprehensible, contradictory or weird. That it can even sound very blunt.
Lately I even use my code word with family and friends. It makes them not feel indignant when I seem not to respond socially enough. Because of this, they do not attack me in order to defend themselves, or step into a helping role and make them feel obligated. All I want is them to accept the situation.
As soon as I say ‘mad whims’, people now know that they do not have to interpret my sometimes strange behavior in a personal manner. Its says, what is happening is nobody’s fault. It’s just as it is. That way I can keep the conversation light and open. That way they can respond neutrally and ask questions out of interest how I’m experiencing it. There is also room for them to say how they experience it. Or just give each other a hug and accept what there is. By agreeing a code word, the relations become a lot easier.
If you are on the right track again and you really start to believe that you are heading in the right direction, you dare to take more risks. You will meet more friends, you may start working again and you get the idea that your diet is becoming more stable. And then it happens, a relapse. What now?
Events that happen to you such as, someone who dies, illness in the family, stress at work or a quarrel with a loved one can be the trigger for a relapse. However, do not give in immediately when this happens. Here are some tips:
- The most important thing is that you acknowledge what is happening! You recognize the signals, one more clearly than the other. Other people can see it, but this means nothing if you keep denying it yourself. I am having problems with ‘normal’ food again. After the argument, my feeling went all over the place and I did not eat for 4 days. I lost 2 kg. Slight panic, because before this, it all went so well!
- Do not force yourself immediately to be at the point where you were before the relapse. I wanted to eat what I ate before those 4 days. But I was starting at that plate and I felt awful. With great difficulty, I finished the whole plate but then I was sick for 2 days. So, from my own experience I can now say that this might not be the right solution.
- Talk! Yes, again: talk to the people around you. I told my partner that I had a lot of trouble with eating again. He immediately said: “Take it easy and do not force yourself. Then it only gets harder! “And he was right!
- Accept that things are going slightly less well than before. It’s okay! And in addition, it is part of life. It cannot always go well. Sometimes you have to take a step back and then continue from there.
- Trust yourself. You can do this! You came here earlier and now you have tools to get started again. Step by step you will move back in the right direction.
I am now back to the point where I start to get hungry in the evening, so I take small portions until I am full. This amounts to about half to three quarters of what I would normally eat. From the weekend onwards, I will try to take a cup of yogurt with cereal during the day. Step-by-step.
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff
It certainly helps me to have a big eater next to me. He does not care whether I eat half a pizza or two whole pizzas. This makes me feel much comfortable to do what feels right and not what is ‘normal’. And when I’m full, I move the rest of my plate to him. He’s happy with a little extra and I’m still not forcing myself.
I hope it helps you a little too. And not only with regard to food. Also with fatigue or if you feel down: take a step back, give yourself some est. It’s really good!
This week I’m going for 2 songs! Both are from Paramore. First I choose Turn it off. The text of this song refers to everything above. I also go for Brick by boring brick. This song I turn to full volume if I am not comfortable with myself. Good combination for this week!
Love, Renée x
Everyone has them from time to time: nightmares. Often it is just a nightmare every once in a night, it wakes you up, but you turn around and fall a sleep again. But what do you do when these nightmares return night after night? And you are not able to wake up when it becomes very scary, like “normal” people, but live through the whole nightmare?
The problem
When did it start? I do not dare to say specifically. The nightmares were suddenly there. For four months I woke up every night of the vigorous images that appeared when I was sleeping. Often I could not remember what I had dreamed, but I still felt the fear in my whole body. After a few months, they would disappear, and I would sleep normal again.
After half a year, it started again. This time it lasted for eight months. Night after night the most dreary nightmares. I dreamed about how I jumped into the water and could not swim… I drowned and I only woke up when I almost lost consciousness under water in this dream. Shots in the middle of the street and during the runaway I got shot 2 times in my back. I do not know how gunshots really feel it, but for 3 days I felt the bullets ticking in my back.
In addition to the violent nightmares, I also dreamed about my family. But then about total panic because they no longer recognized me. They walked right passed me on the street, or picked up another child from school instead of me? I was so tired and slept so badly that I got medication. That helped a couple of nights, but after a while I did not really wake up during a nightmare anymore and when I woke up the next morning I was completely covered in sweat, with a lot of fear in my body. So I stopped using this medication quite fast, I could not handle waking up like that in the morning either!
Sleepless nights
After three months without nightmares, it started again. This time I did not want to sleep anymore, I would stay up as long as possible until I really could not stay awake anymore. This happened just before my burnout. Usually I did not remember them, but with the therapy I wanted to do something about it. So I put a notepad next to my bed, so I could write when I woke up.
All I could remember, I put on paper, even though I felt embarrassed. I took this notebook to therapy, so we could figure out where the nightmares came from. I desperately wanted to find out, because I did not understand anything about the situation. The nightmares were never about reliving my traumas and there were never 2 similar ones. So why did I dream about all this?
Fortunately, there appeared to be a very good explanation for my nightmares. A red thread that I could see straight through everything. Afraid of losing the people around me, I do not want to fail in the things I’m in doubt about, things like being afraid to not be good enough for others. As soon as I realized this, a world opened for me. In my opinion, there are no deep, bizarre theories behind dreams and nightmares. But, in fact, they are very logical, if you do not take them too literally. I still have nightmares. Fortunately, I’m waking up soon or my boyfriend wakes me up. Then I turn around and fall asleep almost immediately. Exceptions aside, of course.
What you can do about your nightmares
Do you also suffer from nightmares? Think about what you are afraid of and talk about. Your dreams are nothing to be ashamed of. Write down what happened in the nightmare you just had, but do not go and write obsessively every night. Believe me, that does not help: you will sleep worse, I did this for a week or four and my sleep did not get any better.
Does your daily life suffer because of your nightmares? Go to the GP! This way you can talk about it and the doctor will help you find solutions to get a better night’s sleep.
The song I have chosen this time is: Wake She Up from Ed Sheeran. I think it’s a wonderful song to fall asleep to and have a nice dream! Especially when you wake up and your dream lies next to you. Try to turn everything into something positive!
Love, Renée
Prior to this last blog about my past, (don’t worry I’ll keep writing for you!) I want to share that writing this one was the most difficult. The past year has been very hard. But I’m myself, more than I have ever been.
Trauma processing
January 2017, it’s been 4 months of therapy. And then finally the moment has come: I can start with processing my traumas! Very exciting, because the last time I started this it did not go as expected at all.
I have my first interview with J. to see if it clicks and to discuss the different therapy options. I have lost trust in EMDR so I agree for Imaginary Exposure (tell painful episodes of events, recording this and the listen to the recordings 5 times a week at home). We make a list of priority events: from the most painful moment to the less painful moment and because I feel so comfortable with J, I decide follow therapy with her.
The first recording
Three weeks after the first session I have my first recording. We start with the conversation about domestic violence. The hardest thing to discuss for me, is about that time my ex grabbed me by my throat and lifted me up into the air. He held me like this until I almost lost consciousness. My thoughts went out and ended with: just finish it, at least it’s all over. When he suddenly let me go and I fell on the floor, I felt so terribly lonely. Still, I stayed with him. Fortunately after 2 weeks the choice made to go away with this man.
I will send over home. In this one session everything got back into all the hustle and all that I felt seemed to be under my skin. But at the moment I also knew that this time I would do everything to finally get out of here.
Refresh
In the week that follows, it only takes me two times to listen to the fragment. I’m ashamed to say that when I see her again after that week. Even thinking about saying I have listened neatly five times, but staying fair is the best. Fortunately, she understands: “You have to go through, you are not the only one with a hard start, eventually you will succeed.”
In the weeks that follow, we will take two to three times all the time, I do my best to listen and to feel everything. Closing for that fear is easy, but going through it will have to leave it all behind me at last, so I’m totally into it.
Hands on my body
Hands on my body remains a big problem. And because I do not know much about sexual abuse, it’s hard to treat that too by means of I.E. I decide my partner S.L. to bring along … Finally, we decide to wrap a six-week sex stop and that’s really liberating. This is the main reason for all the arguments and hope that it will finally be a bit better at home. Unfortunately, the arguments remain and he thinks I think too much about myself. Why does he not realize that this is also beneficial to him?
Feelings
In addition to the individual trauma treatment, group therapy is also ongoing. In the beginning, I told my story that it was the story of another. Without emotion and without feeling. But after 6 months of therapy it was suddenly my story. I absolutely could not handle those emotions. All the wickedness of old came up, and if I had any quarrel over, the glasses flew through the house. In retrospect, I was ashamed and I felt empty, but I did not control it.
Despite the negativity at home, I continue with all therapies. I just want to be myself again. I work hard on my self-esteem and to process all the things that have happened to me. I can now also feel that things have happened that are not my fault. I know I could not do anything about abuse or domestic violence. What I can do about it is how I live. This awareness is an eye-opener. I’m more confident and dare to get up to myself. Even though it is still exciting to choose for myself.
A new beginning
Through all the senses and emotions that rub my body, I develop an eating disorder, anorexia. I am still weighting 50kg. Despite all this, I notice that I am so much stronger in my shoes. So this will be as hard! I still fight for my own happiness and I would like to come here too. But I do not know what to do with the home situation and I’m falling in love for another one. I’m learning someone who deals with me as you see in movies, on TV. Someone who tries to support me. For weeks I fight against the feelings, but there is a day I surrender. I’m completely upside down and it’s terribly scary. But decide to go. I take my bag and now, 2 months later, I feel a better person than I ever expected. I am still working on trauma, my eating pattern is going on the right side and I have all the support I need from both my parents and my partner. Make sure I do not lose myself in love, but fortunately I can talk about it now. With my mother especially, she knows how I am!
S.C. know all about my past, be open to go to therapy and respect my insecurities. I can now leave the trauma well behind me. They will never disappear completely but I can handle it now. The sex is better than ever, trust is really so important, it’s showing you again. So dear people, even though you are still through. I’m sure there’s a day where everything is a lot better and then you think I’m here again!
My life will not only contain positivity from now on, let’s stay realistic. Surely I’m still insecure about my ability, I sometimes feel awkward to talk and feel nervous because of my new work and education. The first week of September starts my education for optician and I will also start working immediately. So tension on top, but it makes sense. Sometimes you have to do what you feel scary, hence my subject; With full fear ahead. This text is on a bracelet I gave myself a gift. As long as you want something and you have support from the people around you, you can do anything.
For anyone who hurt me, aware, this is for you: Kesha – Praying
Love, Renée
Gut feeling, experiences, stories of friends: Everything affects how you deal with trust in other people.
Friendship
I never trusted my friends completely. Always afraid that, as we would get along longer, they would need something of me (in the negative sense). There was always a conscious distance. I knew everything about the other, but did not share much about myself. Doing nice things together like sports, cooking, watching a movie or going out for drinks, I enjoyed that super much. However, I always made sure that it was as little as possible about me. About the others I often knew very much: How it generally went with them, but also more intimate topics such as family problems and mental struggles. They always came to me to talk because I would listen so well.
If the friendship became too close, I would choose to let someone go. I would seek less contact and eventually the friendship would fade. Then I did not have to be the one who had to explain why I did not want any contact and this gave me the feeling that it was closed from 2 sides without being the one to blame.
Men
Also in love relationships I kept a certain distance because I always believed the other person to be untrue with me. Unfortunately, this often happend to be the case: My first boyfriend didn’t respect my boundaries (sexual abuse) and had someone on the side. The short relationships that followed were all the same: they all had contact with other women, cheated on me and put me aside like rubbish. As a result, I assumed in advance that it would end like this with every relationship. This is also the easiest way to deal with it. If men meet this expectation, the disappointment is less hard.
Learn to trust again
My first therapy round has certainly made me positive. R. did his best to show me that some of the men can be faithful and they do not always want anything in from me, in the negative way. With him we were able to give and take without taking advantage of me. I learned to see the good again in men. At that time, unfortunately, I did not have enough to hold this feeling. In my next relationship with S.L. it wrong again: He kept things from me, smaller things like him smoking again and but he was also talking about me with friends behind my back. He shared with others that it wasn’t going to well with me, something I shared with him inconfidence. While that was just what I wanted to keep to myself…
Positive today
When I got to know S.C, at a time where I was far more my self-confident, had more self-knowledge and found a way to the release parts of the past, everything seemed to be going so natural. Initially everything went by phone: we whatsapped day and night. I did my story and he told how about his life. The first time we saw each other was terribly exciting because you had shared so much about yourself without ever meeting in person. But also then I did not doubt his sincerity.
To date, I can say that I fully trust him, despite my uncertainties. And that feels so good! Now I also dare to give more in friendships and I put in more effort to keep those people in my life.
Trust starts with yourself, but it’s nice if the people you try to trust can confirm this without words. The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
The song this week is: Seafret – Wildfire. This song is from the movie The Longest Ride. It was a beautiful Monday evening with stars in the sky, candles and S.C. had cooked deliciously. The movie ended with this song. That was the night that I realised that I fully trusted this man, an emotional moment that I will never forget.
Love,
Renée
