Self-compassion. What does this word calls to mind? Perhaps you associate it with an hazy looking lady in a long dress who’s just fine with everything, or rather, with someone who cares a little too much about himself? There seems to be a lot of  misconceptions about what self-compassion actually means. To deepen some understanding on this topic, this piece is largely about what self-compassion doesn’t mean.

Self-compassion

According to Neff (2003) self-compassion consists of 3 elements: kindness, shared humanity and mindfulness. These can be used to combat the unholy trinity (Gerner, 2009), which consists of: self-criticism, self-isolation, and identifying with the story of suffering. Using self-compassion, you can be present in the face of unpleasant feelings, without exaggerating or ignoring them, but feeling and recognizing what’s happening to you. Observe feelings you have, not be them, and thereby create space to act on it in a healthy way.

Self-compassion does not mean: Self-pity

It does not mean dwelling in your own misery, letting you be flooded by your own drama story and crawling in a helpless victim’s role, convinced you’re the only one that has such a hard time. Self-compassion means recognizing the commonality of shared human suffering and thereby emphasizing a sense of attachment. This creates room for clarification of your situation, and therefore, to take action against it.

Avoiding responsibility

It does not mean that you avoid responsibility for your behavior or externalize it. Self-compassion makes sure that you can acknowledge your mistakes, because it provides a safe environment for being human, and therefore to make mistakes. By approaching yourself kindly and thus also the mistakes you make, it gets easier to acknowledge them, to accept the consequences, and to learn from your mistakes.

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?”

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Being too easy-going

It does not mean that you have no limits and that you can do whatever you want, but to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. If you ask yourself, “Does this hurt me in the long run?”, then you’ll understand quickly what’s right for you. Self-compassion can therefore help to prevent you to be too easy-going, because you can choose for what’s best for you, instead for what’s easy.

Being egocentric

It does not mean that you put yourself above others, but that you treat yourself just as dear as you treat others. Self-compassion combats self-criticism and therefore egocentrism, because self-criticism makes us focus too much on ourselves and our shortcomings. So you ensure that what you need is not above, but also not subordinate to the needs of others.

High self-image

It does not mean the same as self-appreciation or high self-image, as you determine those partly by comparing it to others. If you do not perform well, your high self-image can get a damaging blow. So that doesn’t have a lot to do with self-compassion, wherein you can appreciate your strengths at all times and be grateful for them.

Being a pushover

It does not mean that you behave yourself like a soft boiled egg, being pushed over all the time. It just means that you can say “no” out of love and protection for yourself, and clearly set boundries. Sometimes we must be clear and strict to others, but also to ourselves, to prevent or stop self-destructive behavior.

Undermining motivation

It does not mean that it’s best to do whatever you do, that you don’t have any ambitions because each trace of self-criticism is missing. However, it is a misconception that self-criticism is the best source of motivation, it even relates to procrastination and underperformance. Self-criticism often motivates people based on anxiety, self-compassion motivates us based on love. By encouraging yourself in a constructive way, not personally attacking yourself for every mistake and failure, but addressing your behavior, you’ll create a safe space for growth.

Gut feeling, experiences, stories of friends: Everything affects how you deal with trust in other people.

Friendship

I never trusted my friends completely. Always afraid that, as we would get along longer, they would need something of me (in the negative sense). There was always a conscious distance. I knew everything about the other, but did not share much about myself. Doing nice things together like sports, cooking, watching a movie or going out for drinks, I enjoyed that super much. However, I always made sure that it was as little as possible about me. About the others I often knew very much: How it generally went with them, but also more intimate topics such as family problems and mental struggles. They always came to me to talk because I would listen so well.

If the friendship became too close, I would choose to let someone go. I would seek less contact and eventually the friendship would fade. Then I did not have to be the one who had to explain why I did not want any contact and this gave me the feeling that it was closed from 2 sides without being the one to blame.

Men

Also in love relationships I kept a certain distance because I always believed the other person to be untrue with me. Unfortunately, this often happend to be the case: My first boyfriend didn’t respect my boundaries (sexual abuse) and had someone on the side. The short relationships that followed were all the same: they all had contact with other women, cheated on me and put me aside like rubbish. As a result, I assumed in advance that it would end like this with every relationship. This is also the easiest way to deal with it. If men meet this expectation, the disappointment is less hard.

Learn to trust again

My first therapy round has certainly made me positive. R. did his best to show me that some of the men can be faithful and they do not always want anything in from me, in the negative way. With him we were able to give and take without taking advantage of me. I learned to see the good again in men. At that time, unfortunately, I did not have enough to hold this feeling. In my next relationship with S.L. it wrong again: He kept things from me, smaller things like him  smoking again and but  he was also talking about me with friends behind my back. He shared with others that it wasn’t going to well with me, something I shared with him inconfidence. While that was just what I wanted to keep to myself…

Positive today

When I got to know S.C, at a time where I was far more my self-confident, had more self-knowledge and found a way to the release parts of the past, everything seemed to be going so natural. Initially everything went by phone: we whatsapped day and night. I did my story and he told how about his life. The first time we saw each other was terribly exciting because you had shared so much about yourself without ever meeting in person. But also then I did not doubt his sincerity.

To date, I can say that I fully trust him, despite my uncertainties. And that feels so good! Now I also dare to give more in friendships and I put in more effort to keep those people in my life.

Trust starts with yourself, but it’s nice if the people you try to trust can confirm this without words. The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

The song this week is: Seafret – Wildfire. This song is from the movie The Longest Ride. It was a beautiful Monday evening with stars in the sky, candles and S.C. had cooked deliciously. The movie ended with this song. That was the night that I realised that I fully trusted this man, an emotional moment that I will never forget.

Love,

Renée

Hard, rejecting and demanding to yourself, but caring to others. Not allowing yourself to make mistakes, but when others are in the same situation you comfort and encourage them. Does this sound familiar?

Consolation

Perhaps it’s time be more friendly to yourself. Because sometimes you also need comfort and someone who says: “It’s ok, I’m there for you.” That person could be you. That may feel a bit odd, especially if you’re used to degrade yourself if something goes wrong. However, you can develop your comforting side, if you are aware of it and give this side enough attention.

Younger version

You may have never learned to speak to yourself in this way, because you missed someone to learn from. Your younger version has developed or acquired protective patterns that were needed at that time to survive psychologically, but at the moment it may only block your development. Try to find out what the child in you, who maintains this behavior, actually asks for. What do you need?

Break the spiral of negativity

Let the negative thoughts about yourself boil up from your mind and write them down. By giving them attention, you already made a connection with where they came from. Do a reality check and ask yourself the following three things:

• Is this thought true?
• Does this thought make me feel good?
• Does this thought help me achieve my goals?

These questions help you break the spiral of negativity.

An alternative

The next step is to write a positive alternative that makes your negative thought harmless.

• For example, replace the thought: ‘I can’t handle this’ by: ‘I can handle this. It’s a great opportunity to grow. I am a valuable person and have enough power to handle this, but I also understand where this tension comes from. Let it be, it’s okay.‘
• Try to feel these alternative thoughts too, instead of just thinking. Imagine how you would comfort a child, and try to send those feelings of security and affirmation to yourself. Imagine embracing yourself, and replace: ‘I’m powerless and vulnerable’ with: ‘I have control over my safety and well-being.’

Practice

Something that’s so deeply rooted does not change in an instance. The more often you can express yourself as a loving parent, the faster it will become an automatism. So practice as often as possible!