For some people, it is very clear who they are attracted to. But, for others, it isn’t as clear and they might be having some doubts about their sexual orientation. Others might be very sure about who they’re attracted to, but don’t feel comfortable with it yet. Finding out that you’re not attracted to the people you thought you were attracted to, can be confusing. Feelings of loneliness and insecurity are common. Another factor is the fact that sexual diversity is not accepted by everyone. Unfortunately, many non-heterosexual people face insults and even violence. This sometimes makes the process of self-acceptance very difficult.
What does the term “sexual orientation” mean?
Sexual orientation refers to emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to a different gender, same-sex, both or all genders, or having no attraction at all. The most well-known sexual orientations are heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and asexuality.
Everyone is unique and no person is the same. So, it’s not surprising that differences exist in sexual orientation as well! In this article I’ll discuss the most well-known sexual orientations (so not all of them). For example, you may have an asexual orientation. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. Want to know more about asexuality? Read more about it in this article.
You can also be pansexual. This means that you fall in love with people and that it doesn’t matter whether someone is a woman, a man, or something in between. ‘Pan’ means ‘everything’ in Greek. If you are attracted to someone of the same sex, then you have a homosexual orientation. If you like someone of the opposite sex, then you have a heterosexual orientation. You can also fall for both genders, then you are bisexual.
It’s not a choice
Your sexual orientation is not a choice; it’s in your nature, you’re born that way. And there’s nothing wrong with that! But just because you don’t have a choice, doesn’t mean the process of self-acceptance goes naturally. Discovering that you are gay, for example, can cause a lot of confusion and feelings of insecurity. Know that these feelings are normal and that you’re not strange.
What can you do?
Do you feel insecure about your sexuality or do you find it difficult to accept your sexuality? There are a few things you can do:
- Discover your sexual orientation and take the time to find out exactly what your sexual preference is. It is normal to take a little longer and/or not be completely sure. For example, it may be that you thought you were bisexual, but after a while, you find out that you are homosexual or vice versa.
- Give yourself time to get used to it. Some take longer for this than others. If you have a supportive environment, it will probably be easier to come out and accept your sexuality. But if your parents and/or close environment are less or not supportive, it is often difficult to admit your orientation.
- Talk to someone you trust. Think of friends, family, colleagues. Perhaps you know someone close to you who is gay, bisexual, pansexual or asexual. By exchanging ideas, tips, and experiences you create a bond with each other. You will feel less insecure and alone. If you don’t have people around you that you trust, or if you don’t yet dare to talk about it with those around you, you can look for support via the Internet, help groups, and forums.
- Give others space. Just as it took you time to discover how you feel and what your sexual preference is, it may also take others some time to understand it properly.
- It is sometimes difficult to talk to others about your sexual orientation. Maybe you don’t dare yet because you are afraid of being rejected or not accepted. It can help to talk about it with someone you don’t know, someone who won’t judge you and is knowledgeable at the same time. A psychologist can help you in your search and acceptance process. During treatment, you learn to understand, accept and shape your sexual orientation. You don’t have to do it alone!
Help
Do you struggle with your sexual orientation, or does your environment not accept it? Bibi comes from a religious family, where her sexual orientation was difficult to accept. Because she was having a hard time with this, she sought help. Here you can read her story and experience with online help.
For more information about online help through NiceDay, click here.
Hi, my name is Bibi *. I am 23 years old, study medicine and I am gay. The fact that I like girls is a bit sensitive in my family; my parents are very religious. That, combined with a bit of culture, makes them not open to the fact that I am gay. It is a very difficult situation and I found myself needing help to deal with this. I received online help during my coming out, and this is my story.
Sorrow
For 4 years already, my mother has known that I like girls. I have a very close relationship with my mother; we talk about everything. I know my parents love me very much and I love them too. They don’t mean bad, but their beliefs make them genuinely afraid that I will go to hell if I get in a relationship with a woman. That makes them anxious and sad, which left my mother crying on my bed for weeks. It was so difficult to see my mother like this. So I decided to give it one more chance and go on a date with a guy.
I am gay
That date ended in a relationship. In the end I caught myself liking him too; he was a sweet boy. But I think I mainly liked him because we looked picture perfect together. I kept it up for 1.5 years, until I could no longer fool myself. I fell madly in love with a girl and decided to come out to both my parents, again. My parents had a hard time dealing with it, but my sister, who was my rock and was always there for me, supported me in the beginning. Unfortunately, she eventually changed her mind. I was sad and felt very alone. I have felt bad before, but I always knew how to deal with those feelings or how to put them away. Now they were unavoidable and I knew I had to do something; I had to talk to someone.
Anonymous but personal
I started looking online for help, for someone who could listen to my story. There were a number of helplines, but those didn’t feel right. One day, I came across NiceDay and soon felt a slight relief; I had been searching for so long and the anonymity of the NiceDay treatment really appealed to me. I downloaded the app and sent an instant message to the NiceDay Team. Here I quickly received a response in which they asked me how I was doing and what I would like help with. As a result of that information, I was linked to a psychologist. This felt so personal; the only doubt I might still have was immediately taken away.
Remote treatment
I was not sure what to expect from an online treatment; how well would it really help through video calling? It may be 5 sessions with the same person, but how personal can online be? I noticed that the treatment being online doesn’t matter at all! I really liked the fact that there is a balance between being treated anonymously and regular personal contact.
Relationship with practitioner
I was linked to NiceDay psychologist Maaike and we clicked. I thought it was very clever of her that she could highlight different perspectives so well, even though my parents come from a different culture than her. She was able to explain to me where their concerns and actions came from, which helped me a lot. I also really liked that when I said something related to 3 sessions ago, Maaike still recalled that and could respond well with the right advice!
Contact in between sessions
The treatment via NiceDay was very accessible and my practitioner Maaike told me that I could always send her a message, so that I could talk about what I was dealing with. I was able to process these feelings through a registration or a note in the app, or by just sending her a chat message. I really liked that; when you write down your thoughts and worries you already kind of process them, but the fact that someone is also looking at and responding to these thoughts felt very reassuring. So, I also benefited a lot from the registrations and mood tracker. This made me take the time to reflect on how I really felt; whether this was happy or sad.
The right tools
Via NiceDay I was able to tell my story by having regular sessions with my practitioner, but also by processing my thoughts and feelings in the NiceDay app. When I now end up in risky situations, I immediately notice that I hear Maaike’s voice in my head reminding me of all the tools she has given me. I would 100% recommend NiceDay to everyone, and I have already!
Bibi received online help through the NiceDay app. Would you like to get in touch with a professional? Click here for more information about online help via NiceDay.
*Bibi’s real name is known to the editors.
