Even though I might always have known, two years ago, I found out that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP). I mostly felt ‘different’ than other people, was tired more often and have been very emotional all my life. Also, I was able to sense other people’s emotions, have huge emphatic abilities and I can happily lift on other people’s enthusiasm. You probably get it: there are huge advantages, but also disadvantages to being a high sensitive person. Sometimes, the disadvantages can tower over the advantages, especially when you’re still exploring what being highly sensitive means for you. But, once you have discovered that, you can make use of that sensitivity. That is exactly what I wanted to learn once I figured out that I can call myself an HSP.

Burdens of being hypersensitive

I’m not going to lie: my sensitivity has created a lot of obstacles for me for a long time. Even more so, if I’m in a bad mood, it can still present me with challenges. For a long time, I heard a lot of noise on my line and got triggered by all the signals that I received: from sounds and busy crowds to emotions (those of my own and others) and opinions. For me, it not only led to being fatigued and, eventually, burned out, but it also caused me to retract myself from (social) situations. I was regularly overexposed and couldn’t control my own emotions, so I didn’t want to be confronted with them by exposing myself to the outside world. Of course, not quite the right solution. However, in that moment, it was the easiest way to deal with my overload of emotions.

Use them as my strength

Nowadays, I barely view my sensitivity as a ‘negative’ thing. Of course, it can still hold me back sometimes, but now I can use it as my strength more often. I got to know myself really well, I learned what provides me with energy and what not, and I am now able to help others explore this themselves. In this way. I can make choices that fit me well in an easier way. For example, I always skip clubbing, but I love to meet up beforehand for drinks.

By not letting myself be influenced by other people’s mood and emotions, I get a better sense of them and can use them in a positive sense. I can help them if needed or pull back whenever I feel that it is better for them. I can be empathetic, but without losing myself in their emotions. When others have difficulty with expressing their emotions, I can help them with that, since I am an expert when it comes to showing my emotions – that’s practically all I do! Also, I can help others enjoy the small things and show them details that they probably wouldn’t have noticed on their own. I absorb everything – yes, literally everything – so it would be such a waste if I wouldn’t share that with others!

Be yourself

At times, it still isn’t easy, but when you learn to deal with (an overload of) emotions and put them to use in a positive way, you experience so much more fun than when you pull back – like I did – out of fear for being triggered too much. 

Try to establish what provides you with energy and what drains it, find a balance and communicate with others what you’re dealing with. They might not experience what you experience, but they can try to understand you and make it a lot easier to be yourself. And, in the end, that is the most important!

I am walking through Amsterdam. I see people everywhere. They speak different languages. I hear music, I hear the sound of a tram, I hear bicycle bells, honking cars and people swearing. It suddenly seems as if I am in the middle of all these elements. It looks like a slow motion movie. Every sound comes in. I get restless and say out loud; “I forgot  my stone.”

My agate stone

For the past year I have been going out every day with an agate stone. I wear it on my body or sometimes I wear it in my pocket. I received the stone from my mother, because I often indicated that I felt restless on the street. Since I have that stone, I am able to close myself off a bit easier from the stimuli of other people and the sounds of the busy city. Maybe it’s superstition, maybe not. I know one thing for sure and that is that I feel safer when I go out with my stone close to me.

HSP then

Elaine Aron wrote several books about the High Sensitive Person, in short the HSP person. As a child I was already very “sensitive.” For example, I had problems with labels in my clothing, crowds and loud noises.

I remember that I was in the Efteling with my mother, a friend and her mother and that we sailed through the Fata Morgana in a boat. In that attraction you see different figures, big and small, and you hear music. I remember that the stimuli from the Fata Morgana came in so hard that I sat the whole attraction with my eyes closed in that boat. Most children would look their eyes out, but it was painful to me. I say “painful” because it kind of hurts when all these stimuli come in really hard.

HSP now

I used to not realize that I am an HSP person. It is also not something you go to the doctor for. It is a characteristic. When I read Elaine Aron’s book, I started to get more insights about HSP.

HSP people are more likely to suffer from burnout complaints, because we are more sensitive to stress. We are also more likely to suffer from depression.  I do not want to say that I have a depression because I am an HSP, but there is a clear reason for my complaints. Now that I am older, I can see that sensitivity has taken on a different form. I notice that I am more aware of the state of mind of people with whom I am in the same room, for example. I would prefer to walk towards them and whisper something encouraging to them, but that is difficult when it comes to a stranger. I also notice that I am not fully rested after a night of sleep after a day with many stimuli. I need at least one day to recharge myself.

Despite all this, I see being sensitive as a beautiful feature. It belongs to me and makes me the person I am.

Love,

Ghyta

People who are sensitive get stimulated and overstimulated faster than less sensitive people. As a result, they have to schedule more time in their lives for relaxation, rest and breaks. In this way the nervous system can relax and the absorbed stimuli and information can be processed better. That is why you, as a highly sensitive person, need to take this into account and even make it a priority. This way you take care of yourself in a responsible way. What are you already doing to relax and unwind?

Your own relaxation techniques for high sensitivity

What helps you to calm down if you are overstimulated and have the feeling that you have given your all for too long, meaning that your battery is empty now or that you have the feeling that you will ‘explode’ due to both inner and outer stimuli? You already have a lot of wisdom, knowledge and experience yourself. Instead of following tips and suggestions from others, you might find it more useful if you get a clear picture of what is going well already in dealing with your sensitive temperament. Take that more into account or expand that further. Because sometimes it is not at easy to hear your own voice when there are so many voices, opinions and advice coming from outside. After all, you have been living with your own nervous system and temperament for a long time!

Relaxation in daily life

Do you want to find out when you really unwind and become aware of which relaxation techniques you already use in daily life? Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What activities and activities do I relax in? What gives me a feeling of inner peace?
2. In which places do I feel safe and relaxed?
3. Which memories, images, situations, people, and places from my past do I connect to rest, safety and relaxation?
4. With whom do I feel comfortable with? Which people give me a sense of security, trust and closeness?
5. Which music, objects, fabrics and smells soothe me and give me a good and serene feeling?
6. In which daily situations do I usually feel at ease?
7. Do I have small rituals or routine acts that reassure me and that I like to perform? If yes which one?
8. Which person in my life embodies the most inner peace? What would that person recommend to me if I feel overstimulated, stressed or tense?

Do what feels comfortable

Hopefully this exercise will help you to make something more concrete in your daily life. Try to do more with those resources and expand them by following the aforementioned tips more often. Try to hang out with people who you feel at ease with. Or visualize memories that you associate with peace, relaxation and tranquility to combat the feeling of being overstimulated.

Our feelings and thoughts influence our bodies and behavior. Whether we feel happy, scared, angry or stressed, those feelings are always accompanied by body sensations and physical tension or relaxation. On the other side, however, we can also influence and change our feelings with our behavior and our body. How do you do that, you’re thinking? How do you deal with being overstimulated? By using a relaxation technique!

Relaxation techniques

If we have gone all the way during exercise, had a massage or showered after a strenuous day, taken a bath or went to the sauna, we will feel more relaxed than before. A relaxed body leads to feelings of relaxation. A tense body leads to feelings of tension. If we feel tense and stressed, it will also have physical effects. But we can counteract that with targeted physical relaxation.

Through such behavior, such as getting a massage or taking a shower, you can try to relax in a targeted manner and thereby end up in a state of peace. In daily life there are situations where you cannot say “I am going to take a bath now because I need some rest” whenever you are feeling overstimulated. In such situations you need different relaxation techniques.

The body scan

With this exercise you learn to scan your body. By scanning your whole body, you become aware of what sensations are going on. There are various variations on the body scan, but this one is based on the original version of Kabat-Zinn. It focuses on conscious physical relaxation.

The exercise: body scan with emphasis on physical relaxation

• Make sure that you lie or sit comfortably, close your eyes and relax. Breathe deeply in and out three times and then continue breathing normally. If you lie down, leave both arms beside you, turning your palms upwards. Relax your pelvis by keeping a little distance between your legs. Preferably do not place a pillow under your head. Meaning that your head, neck and spine are aligned.
• First of all, focus your attention on external stimuli such as sounds and then shift your focus more and more inwards. Feel the contact between your body and the floor or chair. Observe how your breath flows through your body all by itself and feel your chest and stomach go up and down. Where do you feel your breath the strongest? Hold your attention for a few minutes.
• Then turn your attention to your left foot and observe all the sensations: in your toes, the sole of your foot, your heel. What are you feeling there? What do you feel in your left foot? Heat? Cold? Itching Where do you have contact with the floor or your shoe? Do you feel anything at all? That’s okay. Keep your attention exclusively to your left foot. If notice that your thoughts are all over the place, be nice to yourself and bring your attention back to your left foot. Then, as a second step, consciously relax your left foot; try to become soft and to release all muscle tension.
• Then bring attention to your right foot. Feel and observe the body sensations in your right foot and consciously keep your attention there. What are you observing? Then carry out the second step: try to relax the muscles in your right foot as much as possible. Feel the difference with the situation before.
• Scan the rest of your body. Always do this in two steps: first observe the body part carefully and then ensure that it becomes completely relaxed. Perhaps it helps if you imagine that every time you breathe in, you consciously breathe in the affected area and relax it even more during the exhalation.
• Apply both steps to all further parts of your body: start with your toes and gradually go to your upper body. There is often tension in your jaw, lips or between your eyebrows.
• When you have scanned your entire body, consciously feel the physical relaxation and heaviness that come from your skull to your toes. Enjoy that feeling and consciously allow yourself a few minutes to rest and relax. If you notice that you have lost contact with being present, then bring your attention back to the physical feeling of relaxation and warmth.
• When you are ready, carefully open your eyes. Stretch out and consciously bring your attention back to the here and now.

Relax in daily life

If you have practiced the body scan a few times you will notice that your physical awareness is changing and that you can and will start practicing the exercise almost automatically as soon as the first signs of overstimulation and physical or emotional tension begin to feel. You can also choose to do a shortened version of the exercise, for example by focusing on just two body parts whenever you feel overstimulated.

Having a highly sensitive personality (HSP) is quite common. Still, it might be difficult to understand for people that are not HSP. How and when do you tell people that you are highly sensitive? And how do you deal with this as a bystander? Laura (20) explains.

Who did you tell about you being HSP?

It is not necessarily that I tell others about it. It is more that, when it comes to mind, for example when I respond to something and people ask me: why do you react like that? Then I say that I am highly sensitive. A few colleagues of mine know it for example. This is because after a lot of interaction I get very tired. A colleague of mine wondered why I was so enthusiastic at the start of the swimming lesson and got so quiet at the end of the lesson. Then I explained it, and she understood it immediately. A friend of hers also appeared to be HSP. My family knows it, and I’m sure a couple of friends know too, but I do not know exactly who. If it comes up, I tell them, but I do not emphasize it.

How do your friends deal with it?

I think they have forgotten about it. It is a fairly positive group of friends and therefore it doesn’t really come up. Maybe they can still remember it, but they won’t notice it.

What about dating?

A date is a whole experience for me, also because of this. I can not do it that well, that’s why I am currently not dating. I feel completely overwhelmed during the process of dating. People suddenly want something from me, I have to make dates, they want to touch me (I do not like being touched) and they want my attention all the time, and I struggle with that… These negative feelings take over the positive feeling that I really like the person. I still like them, but because I am so stressed out about other things, I always cut it off. So my date life is not really successful. My parents say it too, go on a date! It is very annoying, because I really want to, but I can not do it because I want to escape from the situation. That is just a shame, because I think it would be nice to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and then it doesn’t work out, because I am so stressed about all the stupid, small things. At the moment I do not have any problems with being single, but it would be nice to find a partner some time in the coming years.

How do you deal with that on a date?

Sometimes I tell them about it during a date. Often I also indicate that I do not like to be touched. A hug is fine, but I do not like it if they hold my hand. I then tell them: I am interested, but I do not want this yet. That also takes away some of the pressure. But to understand and stick to it, that is another thing… For example, I once told someone who really did not understand it. Then it will not work out.

How do you deal with studying and working?

I am very visual. For example, I draw a lot of things, I write a lot. I am a huge fan of to-do lists, otherwise I will lose overview. I divide all major assignments into small pieces. It is nice to keep track of what I have already done. I plan everything, make checklists, draw things out .. Then you just have everything at a glance. It is important that you do not lose overview. If you have a to-do list, you can just finish it from top to bottom and you’ll get there. I also often set alarms to remind myself of things. Everything is in my Google calendar, all stupid, little things. Since there is so much happening in my mind, I quickly forget things. So writing down everything usually works well.

I can imagine that sometimes you are afraid that you will not be taken seriously. How do you think about this?

With HSP, a lot of people think that I cry faster and that I get afraid more easily. That’s right, but it is only part of the problem. The second part is: if I have a deadline, it is so overwhelming. Then I have a tunnel vision on that one job that has to be finished tomorrow. All the other important things are then pushed away. It is not necessarily that I do not feel understood, but misunderstood. That they do not understand that if something happens at home, that this can have effect on how I perform in daily life. That link is usually not made.

I now have the idea that there is more awareness about HSP. I hear about it more often, on Facebook for example. When I was diagnosed in 2013, I had never heard about it before. But two years ago I suddenly saw an article about HSP. I thought it was nice to get some more insights about it. Of course you also have gradations in it, to what extent you are highly sensitive. In general, HSP means that you just process your stimuli a little differently. One is more sensitive to stimuli than the other.

Do you have any tips for family, friends or partner?

Do not take it personally if the person reacts intensely to you. We do not mean it that way.

Tips for the work environment?

Inform yourself. HSP is more than that it seems to be. It is not just responding a bit more intense to things, but also its aftermath. For example, an employer must know that after a day of work, I get extremely tired and do not want to talk to anyone anymore. If an employee indicates that he is HSP, or you suspect that an employee suffers from this, you could inform yourself about it. Also ask the person, if you suspect it.

If you are HSP yourself, then tell your manager about it..It is better if they know it and that nothing happens, then that you collapse at a certain moment and that they do not know why this happens.

Highly Sensitive Personality (HSP)  has been receiving increased attention in the media lately. Not surprising, since only 20 years ago the first article was published on this subject. Nevertheless, about 1 in 5 people appears to be highly sensitive. People with HSP are more sensitive to stimuli. They experience them more and worse than others, and they therefore need more time to process these stimuli and to recover from them. But what is it like to be highly sensitive? Laura (20) explains.

Can you tell us something about yourself first?

I am Laura, 20 years old. I study English to become a teacher. Also, I teach swimming lessons and I enjoy dancing, reading and listening to music.

What does being highly sensitive mean for you?

HSP to me is that I generally feel emotions more intensely. For me, this means that events can hit me harder than others. For example, if I watch a sad movie, I get a full mental breakdown. This is with sadness, but also with happiness. A small thing can make me very happy. I also get angry quite quickly, and I often get very grumpy about the smallest things. In general it means that everything you feel, I feel 10 times worse. It works both ways, both positive and negative. If someone dies that I do not know, it feels like my cousin has died. If I feel stressed, I can reason in my head: it is only one assignment, it is easy… but I still feel the stress very intensely.

How do you deal with that?

I went to a therapist about 5 years ago. He also told me that I am HSP. I have been taught a few techniques. For example, I struggle with crowded places, with many human interactions. I have learned how to distance myself from a room, and that helps. I know that if I feel sad or grumpy, I just have to watch a comedy, or do something fun, dance or go outside. These techniques learned me to at least feel better. That is also the positive side of HSP, it does not cost me much effort to at least superficially feel more happy again. You are still thinking about the annoying things that have happened, but at least you can laugh again. That helps.

How old were you when you found out?

I was 15 when I was diagnosed. But I’ve always been like this. As a child I had problems sleeping, I was very rebellious, I started screaming about the smallest things … When my mother heard about it, she immediately thought: this makes sense. Some things suddenly fell into place. I think I was highly sensitive all my life, but it got worse in my teenage years. As every teenager becomes emotional, I just became extra.

Was it comforting to hear: this is it?

Yes, it was. I sometimes wondered, why do I react so extremely on this? It is not that bad. For example, if my mother got angry about a very small thing, I reacted super-intensely. Then every time I sat in my room, and I thought, why? Why do I think this is a logical response? And when I heard that I was HSP, I suddenly understood. For my parents it was also good to hear, they could now recognize that there was a reason behind it and that it was not their fault.

Do you know other people who are highly sensitive?

No. It may of course be so than someone does not tell you, but not as far as I know.

Do you have any tips for people who are HSP?

Try to make sure that you minimize everything that goes on in your mind, for example by writing things down, setting alarms. The less you have to think about, and that’s a lot, the more you can focus on small tasks. And just go on with your own life, instead of worrying about other things all the time. And whatever emotion you feel, just feel it. I have had many times that I wanted to block my emotions, but if you block emotions, you will get a much bigger outburst later on. If you have to cry or scream, just do it. Then the stress gets out and you can go back to normal, whatever that means for you. Finding an outlet can also help with this, for example taking a walk, dancing, writing it down … Find out what you like, what calms you down and gets you focused again. Then you have something that you can always fall back on.

Laura well tell more about HSP soon. Keep on posted!

*Laura is not her real name.

When you are a teenager and hitting puberty you are a storm, because you are trying to become your own person. Puberty and young adulthood is for forming your personality. For trial and error, for exploration and resistance. When this process is disturbed by BPD (Bipolar Disorder) and high sensitivity, all hell breaks loose. In so many ways.

One of the aspects of bpd is lack of identity. As you can imagine this is very stressful. Not knowing who you are. Always searching for confirmation and affirmation of you, but at the same time not knowing what needs to be confirmed and affirmed. It’s the confirmation of being empty and a chaotic mess. And the confirmation that you seem different than everybody else. Which of course you are, we all are, but this feels out of place. That you are weird.

I think I made the biggest transformation on this issue.
Lately I have been thinking about how it was like during this stormy time. Looking back at how I felt and acted before, can help me in the here and now. If you look back at how things were, check where you are now, and where you want to be, you can help yourself grow.

In puberty and beyond with BPD, it meant that I was not able to become who I was. I was just feeling empty, dark and sad. I did not understand why and my family did not either. Society taught me that feeling like this was not okay or normal and I was building up frustration and anger. Not being understood at all. So I was trying to become what, I thought, people would like to see. How could I do better? How could I feel better? How could I not be a burden to everybody? I was not forming my own personality, I was filling myself up with others. Their feelings, their likes, their dislikes. Their personalities. I would form superficial relationships only built on fake mutual interests and feelings. Thinking that I found me, only to discover, time after time, it was someone else. I stretched my boundaries and energy and collapsed every now and then. Into crisis. That could be anything: eating disorder, reckless driving, self-harm, depression, anxiety-attacks. All there to help me get control back. To survive.

High sensitivity made this process even worse, not only because my feelings are so intense, but also because other people’s feelings and energies can get in very easily. I did not know what part was me and what was someone else’s. I did not know what was happening to me when I walked into a room and all of sudden got very sad or claustrophobic. Back then, I could only define it as me being weird and different and having mood swings again. I did not know that people fought in that room minutes before I entered, and that I was feeling that probably.

These two together make you feel like you are fluid in a solid world. Have you ever seen how fluid acts? Imagine dropping water paint into a glass of clear water. It invades the space. First parts of it. Then it colors the clear water in its whole. It’s beautiful to see and I think I sometimes loved the initial part of it too, feeling that I was something. Something was defining me. But when it takes the water completely it’s not that nice anymore. It’s not clear anymore. Especially when you mix a lot of colors. Its dirty and dark.

People, feelings, energies, almost everything I encounter can easily dive into my fluidity. They stretch my boundaries, they intrude my space. Till there is no me. They become my identity. Borderline caused this because of me not knowing who I was or who I was supposed to be and high sensitivity made it so easy for everything to flow in. It felt confusing and frustrating. I was scared and felt worthless and dumb: Not knowing who I was and changing so often.

I have noticed that BPD symptoms will get softer in time and space will open up to take charge. I’m in my thirties now and I know more and more who I am and what I need. I am aware of my fluidity and I can better protect myself from negative energies from within myself and energies entering. And if I can’t, I know I have to be alone. Get away. To ground. If I want my water to be colored, I will let it happen. But now, it’s more and more my choice. I am finally creating a life where I can just be who I am. With everything that was given to me. And I am happy with that person.

The question now is how I managed to clear my water again. How I know who I am now. The answer is simple; start clearing. See what is in there. Keep what’s yours and throw away what isn’t. Work with what is left. The act of doing this is not so simple though. It’s scary and confronting. You will first discover your fears, bad experiences, coping behaviors, things that influenced you. You will want to flee from the process. Don’t. Or do and come back. Try again and again. And be kind to yourself. You are allowed to feel shitty, frustrated, scared, like giving up, happy and then sad again. And, you are allowed to do this with professional help. I did. Slowly you will discover the good and wonderfully unique things about you. Your mix. It is the basis of you. A good base to live your life with and to explore.