For more than two years, one day a week, I went hitchhiking to and from work. A ride that took six kilometers. Hitchhiking changed my view on life totally! This is what I learned from hitchhiking.
Inspiring encounters
Due to hitchhiking I met friendly strangers every Wednesday, who helped me on my way. I met all kinds of people. From a surgeon to a sewer worker. From a widow to a refugee. From a forestranger to a mother with small children. Each with their own story.
For example, I met a woman on her way to chemotherapy, a man on his way to his son’s birth, and I was even invited to an Arab wedding. All during the short journeys of 15 minutes, just on my way to work. It brought, in a very simple way, more spontaneity into my life. I started to love hitchhiking. I came in contact with people outside of my daily bubble. Hitchhiking made me connect to people and lowered my prejudices.
Outside my comfort zone
Hitchhiking for the first time was quite nerve-wracking. I really had to go out of my comfort zone. You stand at the side of the road and everyone who drives by looks at you. Sometimes I got a smile or a friendly gesture like “I don’t have to go your way.” But many people probably thought I was strange: What is that woman doing there, hitchhiking?
I believed in what I did and literally stood up for it. Whatever people thought of me; I knew very well what I was doing along the side of the road. In this way, I learned to accept what people think about me. And that is so valuable. Also in other areas of your life. Hitchhiking made me more confident about myself, it gave me more confidence and strength.
I now dare to ask for help
We often find it difficult to ask for help. Me too. I usually wait until my limit is completely reached. With hitchhiking I actually asked for help from a stranger, while I didn’t even need it. I could also go by bus. I even had a car! I learned to ask for help and accept help when it was not very urgent. I learned that there is an abundance of friendly people who just want to help. It has really made my view of the world much more positive. But you must dare to ask!
Gratitude
During the rides I also gave the drivers something in return. I listened to them with my heart wide open. I gave them the opportunity to help someone and therefore feel good about themselves. I gave them a nice story to tell at home, a spontaneous interruption of their daily routine, some fun and a smile on their face. I was often told: “Next time you can come again” or “Are we there already, what a pity”.
Let go of control and trust
When I walked to my lift spot in the morning, I had no idea what was going to happen. I didn’t know who was going to stop for me or if anyone would stop. I didn’t know how long I had to wait and what was going to happen. I really had to let go of control.
Hitchhiking is a very beautiful metaphor for life: make your destination or goal known to the universe and then let it go. Have faith in what comes your way. Let happen what the universe wants to happen. There are a number of spiritual movements that swear by that law. And I actually trained myself in that every week. It has changed my life in a very positive way.
Nowadays, If I notice that I am impatient or in a hurry, or try to force something, I stop myself. I reflect. That gives me time for other ideas. And sometimes I just do nothing at all and wait for what will happen. That gives me peace. In fact, I surrender more to life.
Sometimes you have to give the universe a chance. And believe me, it will surprise you!
Book
I started sharing my adventures in a blog. After 100 encounters I bundled my stories in a book: “Zes minuten wachten op geluk.” That was the average number of minutes that I was waiting for a ride. My moment of happiness.
Are you sitting on the couch in the evening when you intended to exercise three times a week? Do you feel that it is difficult to maintain new “good” behavior? Are you inclined to return to the behavior you are used to? Breaking habits is difficult, but with these steps it is possible!
Why are old habits difficult to break?
Habits are structured patterns of behavior and arise from both genetic and environmental influences. A habit is goal-oriented automatic behavior that results from repetition and practice. This makes it sometimes difficult to just break old habits and make room for new more helping habits.
Step by step to new habits
Are you ready to hold on to your new good habit? With these steps you manage to create and keep new habits:
- Step 1: write down the new habit, for example in the NiceDay daily planner.
- Step 2: set a goal for yourself. What is the purpose of this new habit? Be realistic in your goal and don’t be too strict on yourself if you forget to keep your eyes on the goal once in a while. Example: I want to exercise 3 times a week. Then you exercise “only” twice a week. Is it really bad? Focus on good moments.
- Step 3: write down the why: why do you need this habit in your life?
- Step 4: is it about replacing a bad habit with a good habit? then think of an alternative. Example: instead of smoking a cigarette I will do 10 squats.
- Step 5: do you experience relapse? Write down in your NiceDay diary what happened exactly. In which situation did you relapse? Also fill in the G-schedule. Try to read back on this registration if you feel like relapsing again. We’re all people, pick up where you left off and continue as you already did! You are doing a good job!
- Step 6: make sure that this new habit is finding its way into your system for at least 2 to 3 months. The new habit becomes automatic, slowly you will hold on to it without to much pain and effort.
Healthy habits
There are many good habits. These are habits you want to implement in your daily life:
- Drink 2 liters or water a day. This means 8 to 10 glasses.
- Good breakfast in the morning: a glass of water, 1 avocado, 1 banana, oatmeal, a spoon or peanut butter in the blender and you have a full healthy breakfast smoothie!
- Try to maintain the same daily sleep-wake rhythm as much as possible. That means going to bed and waking up about the same time every day. Brains like rhythm and regularity.
- Move 30 minutes a day. This means approximately 7000-8000 steps per day. Turn on the pedometer in NiceDay to show your coach your activity.
- Get a nice massage once in a while or practice meditation (or something that really makes you relax)!
It is good to set goals, for example in your relationship, your therapy or in your life. You have something to work towards. A dot on the horizon that gives a sense of direction. But have you ever experienced that, when you reach your goal, you feel less happy than you expected? You focused all your energy into that one goal, but in reality achieving this goal can feel disappointing. The solution: do not fixate only on the goals, but try to be aware of the path toward the goal. How? We explain how you do this in this blog!
Achieving goals does not always make you happy
The illusion of happiness when reaching goals is also called the “Arrival Fallacy”. This is the belief that when you reach your destination or goal, you feel happy. You expect happiness when arriving! But, this is rarely the case. Achieving your goals rarely makes you as happy as you expected and you probably did not enjoy the steps along the way. This does not mean that having goals won’t make you happy. Having goals is exactly what makes you happy, not achieving goals. By having goals, we have the feeling of being on a journey, feeling of grow and developing ourselves.
Goals give even more challenges
Because you are working towards the goal, you are already used to your new situation by the time you reach your destination. Another explanation is that reaching a goal also comes with things you did not foresee. For example, when having a baby, this also brings sleepless nights and smelly diapers.
A different example is when reaching your therapy goals. You work hard to achieve your goals, but when you reach them, you already see new steps you want to take. Or you might realize there are more things to accomplish. This might bring some other emotions than only happiness. Achieving a goal often reveals some more challenges.
The solution
It is easy to be constantly focussed on the future and daydreaming about a future in which you are married, have a baby, or finally reach your target weight. The thing that makes you happier, is trying to focus on the present moment and gain pleasure out of growing in the course of your goal. This does not mean we shouldn’t set or reach goals, but it merely means that the goal is not more important than the growth towards this goal.
How?
By being present in the now, in this very moment! This solution may sound simple, but it can be a real challenge. Especially when you are having a tough time. Here are three tips:
- Try mindfulness or meditation to focus on the now.
- Enjoy on the way to your goals. Focus on what you experience with your senses. What do you see/hear/smell/feel?
- Write in your NiceDay Diary which steps you made today towards reaching your goal, how small they may seem. Be aware of these steps.
Letting go of something which you really don’t care about has an advantage. You will leave more time for the things that you really enjoy. What does it give you? A more meaningful life! Because letting things go, creates space for the things that are really important to you.
Questions for more insight
Mark Manson’s book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F * ck’ (2016)’, helps you to master the art of letting go. For example: saying no helps you to invest in your yeses. By saying no, you make room for more yeses.
But to which things you want to say yes more often? What is really important? According to Manson, when letting go, it is important to confront our mortality. These questions, where you need to imagine yourself at the end of your life, helps you to discover what is really important for you:
- When you die, what do you want to leave behind?
- If you are no longer here, in what sense has the world changed or improved?
- What has been your contribution? What happened because of you?
Manson describes more inspiring perspectives on life. Letting go is also central in these perspectives:
You find happiness by not looking for happiness
Problems are a constant in life. Happiness is caused by problem solving. Let go of the search for happiness. It helps you to be happy.
Listen to your emotions, but don’t take them too seriously
Emotions are part of the balance in our lives. Only emotions are not the whole balance. Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s good. Just because something feels bad does not mean that it is bad.
Enjoy mediocriy
We are all mediocre people for the most part. Only the extremes get all the publicity. The continuous flow of unrealistic information fuels our feelings of uncertainty. Mediocrity sounds boring, because it involves all kinds of normal things: the pleasure of friendship, creating something beautiful, helping others or reading a book. But maybe this feels like normal for a reason. These are the things that really matter in life.
Other great insights from Mark Manson’s book:
- Choose: not choosing is also a choice
- Realize that you are usually wrong: change in your life is only possible by being wrong and doing something about it.
- Failure is a way forward, doing something is the only measure of success.
For which yes’s in your life do you want to make more space? What are you going to say no to?
Imagine this: you are going away for the weekend with your family. You have planned this months ago and you look forward to recover from all the working overtime and enjoying nature with your children and partner. “Ring Ring!” Your phone rings. It is your boss who tells you there is a new assignment, which really needs to be completed this weekend. Your boss has no time for it himself and asks you to work this weekend. You actually don’t feel like it at all. You have worked a lot overtime the past few weeks. What do you say to your boss?
Do you dare to tell your boss in a direct and respectful way that you cannot work this weekend? If so, then you have mastered a skill that many people find difficult: assertiveness. But do you find it difficult to stand up for yourself in situations like this? These tips can help you!
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a way of communicating whereby you take into account your own interests, but also the interests of the other. It means that you express your thoughts and feelings in a direct and respectful way.
If you only take your own interests into account and ignore the interests of the other, you respond aggressively. For example: “No way! I’ve made enough overtime in the last few weeks, find someone else! “
On the other hand: if you only consider the interests of the other and you forget your own interests, then you respond sub-assertively. You agree with the request while you actually do not want to. That doesn’t feel nice.
How do you communicate assertively? Here are some tips.
Speak from the ‘I-form’
By speaking from the I-form you take ownership and responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and behavior. Therefore your story does not come across as an attack on the other, which means that he / she does not take a defensive position and is more open to what you have to say.
Empathy
Try to sincerely relate to the other, to understand how he / she views the situation. This means that you listen to understand and not just to respond. After you have considered the perspective of the other, you can express what you need from the other. This is how it goes: “I understand that this is a difficult situation and that you want to deliver the assignment on time, but I would like to keep this weekend free for my family.”
Ask for more time
Sometimes you may feel overwhelmed by a request, you just not know what you want or you are just too emotional to communicate in a healthy way. In this case it is best to be honest. Ask more time to gather your thoughts. Say this for example: “I find it difficult to answer this now. Can I call you back in half an hour? ”
Write it down
Do you find it difficult to respond assertively “on the spot”? Then the tip is to write down your answers. This is works, for example, in combination with the tip to ask for more time. It is useful to think up and write down the following parts in advance:
- The event: describe how you view the situation;
- Your feelings: describe how it makes you feel;
- What you need: tell the other person exactly what you need from him / her;
- The consequences: describe the positive consequences for the other person, your relationship or the company if he / she accepts your request.
Your response to your boss’s request may look like this: “You asked me to work this weekend because of a large assignment that needs to be completed this weekend. But on the same weekend I want to take a break with my family. I find this a difficult situation, but I find that I need rest and time with my family. That way I can continue to perform well at work. “
NiceDay promotion
Do you want to practice your assertiveness? The NiceDay app can help you. Write this assignment in your diary or ask your coach for help. And don’t forget: as with many things in life, it comes down to practice, practice, practice!
Every week is largely the same: you take the same route to work or school, you exercise every Monday and Wednesday and on Saturday you do your shopping. On the one hand, this feels comfortable: thanks to that routine, your life is manageable and therefore you experience less stress. But we all secretly dream of wild lives, full of adventure and great successes. Reality can create a suffocating feeling and sometimes you may feel an urge for some change. Which is possible! And it doesn’t have to be complicated at all. We share some tips with you.
Be mindful
Do you do everything on autopilot? You can live with attention to the things you do, even if you do them every day. Living with attention ensures appreciation for what you do. The autopilot can quickly make you feel like you are stuck. The routine is then not soothing, but causes dissatisfaction and stress. Jump on the bike consciously, do nothing (really nothing, so not your telephone) even when you are in the tram and wander around the supermarket without thinking about cooking again.
Another route
Take a different route to work, once a week or more often. Cycle a block around, get off one stop earlier or leave home at a different time. And if you do, do this mindful. Do you feel the wind? What do you hear? What do you smell? It gives your day a twist and this can feel refreshing.
Your ‘own’ spot
Your own spot in bed, on the couch, at the lunch table or in the tram? Many people have a place out of habit and comfort. Go crazy and choose another spot. You may see other things, the environment is different, your view is different. It feels different! And that may be exactly what you need.
Small changes can already provide a refreshing feeling and bring new energy. Occasionally getting away from it all helps of course! What helps you to break a daily routine?
NiceDay
Schedule something outside your comfort zone on your Daily Planner in the NiceDay app. For example, changing places at the lunch table or taking a different route to work. Keep track of how you experienced this. Does it provide some air? Or does it bring enthusiasm in your day?
Accepting is often easier said than done. Acceptance means you have recognition for what you encounter, without wanting it to solve immediately. You start to see it as a part of your current life without making it bigger or smaller. This way, you can investigate how you can live by your values despite the psychological problems you experience. I would like to share 2 books that may help you accept your current process.
Tip 1: My friend fear – Meera Lee Patel
Meera Lee Patel is an illustrator and bundled her experiences with fears into a beautiful and special book. Patel challenges you to investigate what happens when you listen to your fears. What can happen if you embrace your fears and use them to empower yourself?
With many questions form the book you will find out of what you are actually afraid of. The writer tells about her personal experiences with fear and how she sees her fear as her best friend. The book is an easy read, has beautiful illustrations and it inspires you to be a little milder towards yourself.
Curious? You can order this book here.
Tip 2: Stronger than ever – Brené Brown
The book “Stronger than ever” is the 4th book written by Brené Brown. This time the theme of the book: trial and error. Brown is a happiness researcher and combines scientific information with personal experiences of others and of herself. With this she immediately sets the right example. Brown argues for a revolution: dare to be honest about failing. She describes which phases you go through and how to get up again. This takes courage!
Through the personal stories of others and the author you will get the feeling that you are not alone.
I recommend this book! You can order the book here.
Have fun reading!
Want to read more?
In this blog we share more tips!
I: “Hey, long time no see! How are you?”
Everyone in the world who has the idea that being busy is essential to a lifeworth will answer: “Yes, good. Busy! You?”
I: “Yes, the same. Busy busy.”
Because the above conversation occurred about twenty times a day, I decided not to give this answer anymore. Out of principle. It is a bit strange we are “so busy” and complain about to little time, but consistently overbook our schedules.
Social acceleration
Philosopher Harmut Rosa explains this as a problem of the modern capitalist system, in which continuous growth is a necessity. According to Rosa, this economic trend has led to social acceleration (think of multitasking, international commuting and eating on the go). This phenomenon can lead to stress and disconnection with yourself.
A stop train or a fast train life?
Due to the speed of our society, you can get the feeling that there is no other way than to get on the same train of 200 km per hour. However, you are the machinist. You can decide for yourself whether you drive a stop train or an fast train. The problem of a too busy life can be solved. Ironically, this only takes a little time.
Running from A to B every day
As an project manager I learned to plan my projects efficiently, because time is valuable. I noticed that this also applied to my own life: a Monday full of meetings, Tuesday driving to city X, Y and Z and a big presentation on Wednesday (which, of course, was finished until late tuesday). I also want to do sports, see my friends and family, clean the house and gain new skills. All tasks piled up and it became one big mush of to-do’s. I had to plan my personal time more efficiently, to have more time to enjoy.
Tools to be less busy
Below you will find some tools that helped me to cope with the pressure of today’s society. And they helped me to find my own happiness again. My tips for the coming week:
#the body is a machine
The most important factor of a stable foundation is consciously dealing with your body. Your body is a machine that needs to be maintained with care: sleep enough, go to bed on time and eat healthy. If you are physically in top form, it is easier to build a bridge to mental top condition.
#filter
Be aware of your thoughts and believes. You can rush yourself by constantly thinking about how much you still have to do, how busy your week is and how stressed you feel. By also saying this, you tell your body and mind that something is wrong. You ask your body for a response: survival mode.
By choosing your thoughts and believes more carefully, you can prevent yourself from falling into an apathetic state where you get nothing done.
Instead, look for the highlights in the week. Embrace fine thoughts and say them out lot. In this way you also influence your environment positively!
#give yourself some space
If you have a lot to do you sometimes forget the most important thing: planning time for the most important person in your life, yourself. Choose a moment in the week where you make time for yourself. For example, I always keep my Wednesdays free after work. If someone asks to make an appointment, my answer is: “No, I need time for myself.”
This is a moment to look forward to. You can read a book, cook extensively or start a new hobby. Come up with something that will make you happy!
Important: Netflix, Whatsapp and Instagram do not count as a means to connect with yourself.
#make a plan
If you have set your moment for the coming week, focus on scheduling other obligations. Take half an hour and write everything you have to do. Then categorize this by priority: to be done within 1 day, within 1 week and later in the month.
Be honest! Do you really have to clean your house and do groceries and get a dress for that party today? Or can you move one of those tasks to another time in the week?
#think ahead
Go through your calendar at the beginning of the week to make sure it gets into your system. This gives you peace. Double check appointment locations. Find out if you can combine some things to spend your time efficiently. First deliver the mail, then refuel the car, then do the shopping. Or first start the washing machine, put the chicken in the oven and then process your email.
Focus
It goes without saying that every week is different and every person functions in his own way. But in the essence it is to focus on life, rather than being lived.
This is also described by the world’s first bartender Jerry Thomas:
“Stress is not caused by your busy life or challenging circumstances, it’s simply the result of an imbalance between silence and activity.”
If you know how to create balance in your daily life, you can pay attention to things that really make you happy. Have a nice life!
Letting go. It remains a returning theme in my life. Every time I believe I have let go of the old, it turns out I did not. A piece of the ‘old’ always stays. And that piece is so crucial to be a free person. The closer I get to the core, the more I block. I am almost there, but it is precisely the part that is the most difficult and painful.
Control
Sometimes I have the idea that when I let go of that piece, I will let go a part of myself. As if that part of me is not good enough and has to go. It feels very contradictory, because it confirms that I am not good enough. But on the other hand, the piece is so stressful and painful I have to let it go. Do you still get it?
I can philosophize about this for hours and that is precisely the problem. It won’t get me any further. Several times a week I am overwhelmed by the urge to just sit and scream, cry or whatever it takes to free myself from misery. In my imagination that looks very normal and relieving. But in reality it doesn’t happen. I stiffen. I am afraid to lose control and afraid to really feel. I’m afraid of what may come.
Habit
The fear of losing control is a strong pattern in my system. But more and more I find out that sometimes you have to let go of control to free yourself. By holding onto something, I make it unnecessarily difficult. I believe that control and habit are close together. On the one hand because control can be a habit and on the other because both this are difficult to break. Control is a part of me and I would not want to swap it for anything else. But every now and then I want to let go of myself a little more, because wanting to control keeps me trapped.
Changing is scary. You make a transition from the known to the unknown. It makes us uncomfortable. Yet it is sometimes necessary to step into something uncomfortable in order to let go. In the long term it will certainly pay off. But it will take some time.
“Let it go, turn away and slam the door”
When I think of letting go, I think of Frozen. And when I think of Frozen, I think of Princess Elsa who sings “Let it go” on top of the snowy mountain. She sings about a ballast, which she carried with her. At some point the tension got so high she had to let it go, even she found it very scary. In retrospect it was her liberation. If we, including myself, find the courage to experiment with letting go, perhaps we will see it is not so bad. But maybe it will be bad and we just have to go through it. By doing it and experiencing it, we are always getting a bit closer to the goal: letting go.
Let go: for the sake of ourselves.
Love,
Ghyta
Friendships are important in life. But sometimes you have a friendship which doesn’t feel nice anymore. How do you notice that a friendship doesn’t take you further? And when is is better to let go? I’d like to give you some tools to figure out if a friendship is still good for you.
Unequal relationship
Do you notice that you are often the one who asks how your friend is doing? Are you always the one who knows what is going on in his or her life, but does he or she interest in your life? This may indicate an unequal relationship. Friendship means giving and taking. When you are often the only one who gives, you can become quite unsure and sad about it.
Be you
In a friendship it is important that you can be yourself under any circumstances. It is annoying when you feel that you have to be conscious about the things you say and the way you act. Do you notice that you say certain things that you normally wouldn’t say? Do you notice that you behave differently? Or do you experiencing the feeling of wanting to be liked? If the answers on one of these questions is yes, then perhaps it is a good thing to evaluate whether you should or should not continue the friendship.
What can you do about it?
How do you evaluate a friendship and how do you know if it is worth continuing? To get answers to this hard question you can make a cost-benefit analysis. With this method you weigh the costs in relation to the benefits. What does this friendship cost you and what do you get in return? Does friendship give you energy or does it cost you energy? Create an overview for yourself.
Ending a friendship is difficult. Especially because you have put a lot of time and effort into it. But if someone makes you insecure or if he or she talks you down? Isn’t it better to protect yourself by distancing yourself from the friendship?
NiceDay app
Tip! The diary in the NiceDay app is useful to list the pros and cons of your friendship. You do not have to make this decision in one go. Keep track on your experience and evaluate the friendship over time. Choosing for yourself is difficult, but you are worth it!
