Your experiences have a big impact on who you are as a person, how you react and how you interpret situations. As a result of your experiences, you sometimes unconsciously create certain rules for yourself to help you navigate similar future situations more easily. However, it is important to consider whether your life rules are helping or hindering you in your daily life. In this blog, I will explain a bit more about how these life rules are constructed and the effect they can have on you.

Life rules

‘Life rules’ or ‘underlying assumptions’ are behavioural or cognitive changes that you make and that guide the way you interact with the world. These rules guide the way you think, feel and behave in certain situations. Life rules often emerge to help you cope with negative experiences that take place during your childhood.

An example of a life rule or underlying assumption could be: “If I don’t show my emotions, people will think I am a strong person.“.

Helpful versus unhelpful life rules

We make all kinds of (unconscious) assumptions about ourselves, others and the world around us. Our brains work like this to help us understand and react to the world more easily. Therefore, these assumptions or life rules can be helpful in various situations and probably have helped you to cope in the past during difficult situations. However, some assumptions or life rules can bring about more harm than good. For example, life rules which are inflexible, not working anymore or lead to unhelpful behaviour or thoughts. That’s why it’s so important to distinguish the life rules that are beneficial for our well-being from the ones that hold us back or cause negative emotions.

Let’s take an example:

Rose is a young woman who is currently struggling with stress at her new job. She grew up in a family that values hard work and put pressure on her to achieve good grades at school. Rose would receive appreciation and affirmation from her family when she was top of her class. As a result of her experience, she (unconsciously) created the life rule: 

“If I don’t work hard and I’m not successful in what I do, then I’m not a valuable person“.

This life rule has had benefits in the past: it got her appreciation from her parents and teachers, and it has helped her to stay motivated at university and get a new job. However, this life rule means that Rose places very high expectations on herself. As a result, Rose often feels disappointed when she does not meet her (difficult to reach) expectations. This has led to Rose overworking and burning herself out at work to impress her new colleagues. 

Flexible and helpful alternative rules

Unhelpful life rules are often self-defeating, unrealistic or lead to an unhelpful coping mechanism. For example, it’s not possible to be successful in everything you do. When you don’t meet your high expectations it can lead to negative feelings, significantly impact your self-esteem or lead to you overworking yourself to cope. When life rules cause more harm than good, it’s important that we try to come up with more realistic, flexible and helpful alternatives. It is about keeping the parts that work and changing the bad parts!

Below you’ll find a list of a few example life rules. Do you recognize yourself in any of these?

  • “I must do my work perfectly, otherwise, people will think I am stupid”.
  • “If I eat vegetables every day, I will be healthy”
  • “If I prioritise myself, then I am selfish”.
  • “If I don’t help someone, they won’t like me”. 
  • “If I ask for help then I am a weak person”.
  • “If I ask too many questions, I will look stupid”.
  • “I must be prepared for everything, or things will go wrong”. 
  • “If I don’t get close to people, then I won’t get hurt”.
  • “I must always look good, otherwise, people won’t like me.”
  • “If I don’t show my emotions, it means I am strong”.
  • “I should exercise every day to be healthy”.
  • “I need to react angrily, otherwise, people won’t listen to me”.
  •  “If I don’t work hard and I am not successful in what I do, then I am not a valuable person”.

You can try to come up with some more realistic and flexible life rules! Guidelines can help us navigate through our everyday life, but try not to let these rules determine who you are or bring you down. 

A few years ago I was sitting in the back of a cab, and the (white) driver was making racist comments about Moroccan people. It made my skin crawl, but I said nothing. She who remains silent agrees.

Until this day I still feel guilty about this. I should have stood up for our Moroccan Dutchies. But I froze, and after getting out I immediately regretted it: you should’ve said something! This is how racism is kept alive!

Growing up in a multicultural society

When I went to primary school my white and left-oriented  parents consciously put me on a so-called “black” school. My classmates were Dutch-Moroccan, Dutch-Turkish, Syrian and Indian.

My best friend had Dutch parents and my other best friend lived with her Hindu-Surinamese mother. I enjoyed staying at my friend’s places. The food at my Surinamese, Turkish and Moroccan friends was delicious and I’d love being there because it was so different from my own home. We’d celebrate Eid and during our yearly school yard party we ate treats from all over the world. As a young girl I thought living with different cultures was very normal and I am very thankful of my parents for giving me this experience.

The high school I went to was also carefully selected by my white parents. My best friend was a refugee from Iraq. We shared a passion for singing, music and boys, and had countless sleepovers. Here parents were sweet, hospitable and I loved the lovely Iraqi pizzas her mother made. We didn’t talk much about their refugee past, but I could tell that what had happened to them was horrible.

After high school I went to university, and I cannot recall seeing diversity amongst students or teachers, at all.

White privilege

My parents meant well, but they didn’t teach me anything about the privilege I grew up with. They taught us that “everyone is equal”, not realising that saying this is the pinnacle of white privilege. Yes, in my heart all people are equal, but in society not all people are treated equally. I now know that black American parents teach their children that they have to prepare themselves for a world in which they are treated differently. They teach them about how to act when they are (unjustly) stopped by the police, to protect them against police violence. They tell their children they have to work harder than their white classmates, to get a chance in society.

For years my family celebrated ‘Sinterklaas’ with ‘Black Pete’, without ever realising that this is hurtful to others. One time in primary school me and some classmates even went to school with our faces painted black, to hand out presents to the younger kids. It’s something that embarasses me greatly. When I was 25 I met my (non Dutch) partner and he made me face reality. He told me: “Yeah right, Black Pete is black because he goes through the chimney. How come he has an afro, golden earrings and red lipstick then?”. Naive as I was, I couldn’t answer his question.

In the years following I kept thinking about racism. As a white woman I am part of a system in which people are not treated equally, purely based on the colour of their skin. My white ancestors were responsible for this and my fellow white people maintain the system, consciously or subconsciously. I have the luxury to choose: either I face this uncomfortable subject, or I ignore it. People who are a victim of racism do not have this choice. They are confronted with it on a daily basis. They have to be alert, whether they like it or not.

Show solidarity

What would be easier than thinking about this uncomfortable subject, is burying my head back into the sand and returning to “she who remains silent agrees”. But we cannot let minorities keep standing up for themselves without getting involved. Straight people go to Gay Pride, men voted for women’s rights and if you haven’t experienced sexual assault you can still support #MeToo. White people have to support the Black Lives Matter movement.

When you are born with white privilege, use it well. Feel responsible, take a critical look at your own privilege and the way you act. Do something, help or protest. Use your privilege to help and support minorities. Read about the subject, watch documentaries. Raise your children with ‘Roetveegpiet’, they won’t like the celebration any less, and talk about racism. Support anti-racist organisations and talk about it with your friends and family.

Show solidarity, because things have to change.

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