Prior to this last blog about my past, (don’t worry I’ll keep writing for you!) I want to share that writing this one was the most difficult. The past year has been very hard. But I’m myself, more than I have ever been.

Trauma processing

January 2017, it’s been 4 months of therapy. And then finally the moment has come: I can start with processing my traumas! Very exciting, because the last time I started this it did not go as expected at all.

I have my first interview with J. to see if it clicks and to discuss the different therapy options. I have lost trust in EMDR so I agree for Imaginary Exposure (tell painful episodes of events, recording this and the listen to the recordings 5 times a week at home). We make a list of priority events: from the most painful moment to the less painful moment and because I feel so comfortable with J, I decide follow therapy with her.

The first recording

Three weeks after the first session I have my first recording. We start with the conversation about domestic violence. The hardest thing to discuss for me, is about that time my ex grabbed me by my throat and lifted me up into the air. He held me like this until I almost lost consciousness. My thoughts went out and ended with: just finish it, at least it’s all over. When he suddenly let me go and I fell on the floor, I felt so terribly lonely. Still, I stayed with him. Fortunately after 2 weeks the choice made to go away with this man.

I will send over home. In this one session everything got back into all the hustle and all that I felt seemed to be under my skin. But at the moment I also knew that this time I would do everything to finally get out of here.

Refresh

In the week that follows, it only takes me two times to listen to the fragment. I’m ashamed to say that when I see her again after that week. Even thinking about saying I have listened neatly five times, but staying fair is the best. Fortunately, she understands: “You have to go through, you are not the only one with a hard start, eventually you will succeed.”

In the weeks that follow, we will take two to three times all the time, I do my best to listen and to feel everything. Closing for that fear is easy, but going through it will have to leave it all behind me at last, so I’m totally into it.

Hands on my body

Hands on my body remains a big problem. And because I do not know much about sexual abuse, it’s hard to treat that too by means of I.E. I decide my partner S.L. to bring along … Finally, we decide to wrap a six-week sex stop and that’s really liberating. This is the main reason for all the arguments and hope that it will finally be a bit better at home. Unfortunately, the arguments remain and he thinks I think too much about myself. Why does he not realize that this is also beneficial to him?

Feelings

In addition to the individual trauma treatment, group therapy is also ongoing. In the beginning, I told my story that it was the story of another. Without emotion and without feeling. But after 6 months of therapy it was suddenly my story. I absolutely could not handle those emotions. All the wickedness of old came up, and if I had any quarrel over, the glasses flew through the house. In retrospect, I was ashamed and I felt empty, but I did not control it.

Despite the negativity at home, I continue with all therapies. I just want to be myself again. I work hard on my self-esteem and to process all the things that have happened to me. I can now also feel that things have happened that are not my fault. I know I could not do anything about abuse or domestic violence. What I can do about it is how I live. This awareness is an eye-opener. I’m more confident and dare to get up to myself. Even though it is still exciting to choose for myself.

A new beginning

Through all the senses and emotions that rub my body, I develop an eating disorder, anorexia. I am still weighting 50kg. Despite all this, I notice that I am so much stronger in my shoes. So this will be as hard! I still fight for my own happiness and I would like to come here too. But I do not know what to do with the home situation and I’m falling in love for another one. I’m learning someone who deals with me as you see in movies, on TV. Someone who tries to support me. For weeks I fight against the feelings, but there is a day I surrender. I’m completely upside down and it’s terribly scary. But decide to go. I take my bag and now, 2 months later, I feel a better person than I ever expected. I am still working on trauma, my eating pattern is going on the right side and I have all the support I need from both my parents and my partner. Make sure I do not lose myself in love, but fortunately I can talk about it now. With my mother especially, she knows how I am!

S.C. know all about my past, be open to go to therapy and respect my insecurities. I can now leave the trauma well behind me. They will never disappear completely but I can handle it now. The sex is better than ever, trust is really so important, it’s showing you again. So dear people, even though you are still through. I’m sure there’s a day where everything is a lot better and then you think I’m here again!

My life will not only contain positivity from now on, let’s stay realistic. Surely I’m still insecure about my ability, I sometimes feel awkward to talk and feel nervous because of my new work and education. The first week of September starts my education for optician and I will also start working immediately. So tension on top, but it makes sense. Sometimes you have to do what you feel scary, hence my subject; With full fear ahead. This text is on a bracelet I gave myself a gift. As long as you want something and you have support from the people around you, you can do anything.

For anyone who hurt me, aware, this is for you: Kesha – Praying

Love, Renée

Gut feeling, experiences, stories of friends: Everything affects how you deal with trust in other people.

Friendship

I never trusted my friends completely. Always afraid that, as we would get along longer, they would need something of me (in the negative sense). There was always a conscious distance. I knew everything about the other, but did not share much about myself. Doing nice things together like sports, cooking, watching a movie or going out for drinks, I enjoyed that super much. However, I always made sure that it was as little as possible about me. About the others I often knew very much: How it generally went with them, but also more intimate topics such as family problems and mental struggles. They always came to me to talk because I would listen so well.

If the friendship became too close, I would choose to let someone go. I would seek less contact and eventually the friendship would fade. Then I did not have to be the one who had to explain why I did not want any contact and this gave me the feeling that it was closed from 2 sides without being the one to blame.

Men

Also in love relationships I kept a certain distance because I always believed the other person to be untrue with me. Unfortunately, this often happend to be the case: My first boyfriend didn’t respect my boundaries (sexual abuse) and had someone on the side. The short relationships that followed were all the same: they all had contact with other women, cheated on me and put me aside like rubbish. As a result, I assumed in advance that it would end like this with every relationship. This is also the easiest way to deal with it. If men meet this expectation, the disappointment is less hard.

Learn to trust again

My first therapy round has certainly made me positive. R. did his best to show me that some of the men can be faithful and they do not always want anything in from me, in the negative way. With him we were able to give and take without taking advantage of me. I learned to see the good again in men. At that time, unfortunately, I did not have enough to hold this feeling. In my next relationship with S.L. it wrong again: He kept things from me, smaller things like him  smoking again and but  he was also talking about me with friends behind my back. He shared with others that it wasn’t going to well with me, something I shared with him inconfidence. While that was just what I wanted to keep to myself…

Positive today

When I got to know S.C, at a time where I was far more my self-confident, had more self-knowledge and found a way to the release parts of the past, everything seemed to be going so natural. Initially everything went by phone: we whatsapped day and night. I did my story and he told how about his life. The first time we saw each other was terribly exciting because you had shared so much about yourself without ever meeting in person. But also then I did not doubt his sincerity.

To date, I can say that I fully trust him, despite my uncertainties. And that feels so good! Now I also dare to give more in friendships and I put in more effort to keep those people in my life.

Trust starts with yourself, but it’s nice if the people you try to trust can confirm this without words. The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

The song this week is: Seafret – Wildfire. This song is from the movie The Longest Ride. It was a beautiful Monday evening with stars in the sky, candles and S.C. had cooked deliciously. The movie ended with this song. That was the night that I realised that I fully trusted this man, an emotional moment that I will never forget.

Love,

Renée

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