Time, we think we do not have enough. No time for a workout, not enough time for that assignment, no time to eat healthy. We do not give ourselves enough time. That nice shirt needs to be bought now, that decision needs to be made now and we need to know what we will be doing tomorrow, now. But we live for about 82 years, that means 29.980 days. How is it possible we do not have enough time?!
Get rid of the ‘must’
We know you have that important exam, but would it be a disaster to retake it? Yeah, you have that assignment for your work, but will it be so horrible when it takes some more time? Take the ‘must’ out of your system and look for opportunities. What do you want? What can you do?
Priorities
So when you do not have to do everything, you have to establish priorities. What do you need today? Make a list of what you think is important. Think big: what is more important, your health or that assignment from your work?
Time to think
We are so afraid to make important decisions, that we rush into one. We are afraid to make the wrong decision or for judgements of other people. Regrettably, because that often leads to the wrong decision. Give yourself the time to think about it. You can not control what you do if you can not control your thoughts.
Chances
Do you take the first chance coming your way? Too bad! Don’t be OK with that what is sufficient, but go for what feels right. A difficult relationship, a job you do not like or an education which does not fit you. Stop it! You will find the man or woman of your dreams eventually, you will find a job which fits you and there are so many more educations you will like. Take time, there is enough time!
Control
Everybody wants a certain level of control, one person more than the other. Having control gives a pleasant and safe feeling. But you can not control everything. Only worry about the things that you can control and let the rest go. You will get yourself crazy when you want to control everything!
“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” – Kahlil Gibran
NiceDay: Describe what you feel and think today in your diary. Look back on this a week later. Do you feel and think the same?
Most people have fear of little things like spiders or heights. When your daily life is suffering from these fears , it can mean that you have a phobia. You can notice this when you can not perform certain tasks anymore. For example, you can not go to the market anymore, you can not travel by train of you are avoiding the zoo. So when your daily life suffers you can speak of phobia or anxiety.
What is a phobia?
Most people are afraid of something at some moment during their life. For example, like being afraid of spiders, heights or public transport. Because of this anxiety you are avoiding situations where you are exposed to the situation.
How does a phobia arise?
A phobia can arise in many ways, however it has not yet been scientifically proven how phobia exactly. Different research implicate the following different factors:
Primal fears
This theory describes that everyone has primal fears. These fears are because of our past. For example, children are afraid to lose sight of their parents. This fear is congenital. These primal/congenital fears are, in some cases, too strongly developed in some people. Because of this the body gives certain anxious feelings in situations when it is not necessary.
Hereditary factors
Research has shown that anxious feelings can be hereditary. However, how much this hereditary factors has an influence is still not known. Sensitivity of fear feelings can be heritable, but it does not have to mean that this is always the case.
Serotonin
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter in our brain which is involved in daily activities such as regulating the sleep, hunger/thirst and temperature. Also it has an influences on your mood, too little serotonin can cause depressive feelings.
Medications/drugs
Medication and drugs can cause less balance in your brains. This can cause fear and/or panicky feelings. Also drinking coffee can have an influence on your fear feelings, this is caused by the caffeine. When you have too much caffeine you can get a rushed feeling.
NiceDay: together with your professional you can discuss having a fear / phobia and can look at possibilities. Keep in mind that it is about going and not about treating your phobia. Of course we can offer well, also the means of NiceDay. So you are in your diary by holding which thoughts you are during those given situations.
‘’This is an open letter to everyone I disappointed by not showing up, not calling back, not answering, not emailing back, lying about that I will, and not being there when you needed me.
I understand your emotions and thoughts about that. I feel them too. Disappointment, frustration, anxiety and maybe even anger.
I understand you for letting me go, not giving me a second or a third or a tenth chance. I understand you for not trusting me anymore, for closing your heart and friendship a little.
I want you to know that I am sorry I disappointed you. I know I did not have the intention to. But I also know, that sometimes that does not matter.
I want to thank you, if you are still here. If you stand by me. I know our bond could be deeper and better. And I want to give us that.
I am going to”
I wrote this letter some time ago. It represents one of the harshest struggles I have (had) with the reality of borderline, depression and anxiety. Communication.
Letting chances go by, as I lay in bed, not wanting to be a part of this world, not feeling I can do anything right or be anyone’s friend. Letting people down because I am suddenly blocked and unable to communicate. Letting anxiety and overthinking stop me from doing even the littlest things.
But, as I keep learning more and more about myself, I grow. I try to be more kind to myself. To see the whole me. To be loving and accepting.
I started to create space. Space in my life and in my head. More time and patience for difficult times and feelings, more time and patience for learning about me.
Space for what I need, for what I want, for how I feel, for what I believe in.
You have to decide, you know, that you deserve to take up space. To be here. To be you.
The struggle to communicate, for me, has its roots in fear and denial. Sure, depression and anxiety keep you from doing and wanting things, and that is real. But denying that you are feeling this way and being afraid you cannot act happy or normal whilst communicating with others, leads to not communicating even more. The moment I accepted that I feel this way sometimes and that I was allowed to feel these things, I was less afraid of communicating with others.
I have also noticed, that the more and time I give myself, the more I have for others. Well, maybe not more, but better. Better quality. More realness. I have decided to be real. And to share that with the people around me. To be honest about how I am doing and what I am feeling. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
Giving yourself space is also about making decisions. Decisions about whether or not I want to communicate with someone, to be part of their life or project, or anything. I learned that not everything and anyone can have your attention or affection. If I want to have quality interaction; I have to choose. Only then, I can have space in my life.
And only then, I can make my intentions align with my actions; to answer, call back, email back, to show up, to not lie about how I am doing, and to be there for another.
Stay true and kind to yourself and others and most of the time your actions will align with your intentions. Which is a wonderful thing to practice.
We almost all have hesitations when it comes to entering a relationship with others: whether it is in the sense that only compromises are made and therefore less room to do what you want or that you experience a constant feeling fear because you are afraid someone does not want to be with you. These feelings are complicated and often lead to confusion and often to minimal (emotional) intimacy. Hannah Cuppen’s book ‘Liefdesbang’ (Love Scared) explains that all this has to do with fear of abandonment and fear of commitment. But what can you do to deal with these fears? We are happy to give you some insights!
Love Scared
Cuppen uses ‘Love Scared’ as a collective name for fear of attachment and fear of abandonment. According to Hannah, almost everyone struggles with freedom and connection. Of course, this manifests itself in all sorts of ways. With fear of commitment you are afraid to bind yourself to someone. You (probably) unconsciously make sure that a relationship can not develop so that there is more than minimal (emotional) intimacy.
On the other hand, there are people with the fear of abandonment. They like to share and look for emotional contact. They want to connect with the other and often think that they need the other person.They cling to their partner, where someone with a fear of commitment needs space, freedom and making as few choices as possible (not being ‘stuck’ on appointments).
What to do?
You may recognize and acknowledge that you are having some symptoms of being ‘Love Scared’, but what now? Try to get closer to yourself. First try to connect with your own feelings, your own traumas and try to process them. This might be painful, you force yourself to get started with things that you would rather not face. But the better the connection with yourself and your emotions, the better you are able to make a connection with someone else. This is a process, but it surely can be learned!
For more insights we would like to refer you to the book ‘Liefdesbang’, unfortunately this book is in Dutch.
NiceDay App
If you would like to get help in sorting things out you are more than welcome to connect with a coach at NiceDay!
Valentine’s Day is coming up again and so is the focus on finding love. However, we pay less attention to self-love. But why? You are the only person you have to spend the rest of your life with! In this post we explain why you should love yourself before you can love another.
Love yourself first
Everybody needs love, but how you experience love depends on your beliefs. The rules you set for yourself decide the way you give and receive. When you lose control over your beliefs, it will cause tension. That is why it is so important to love yourself first and to justify the right beliefs.
A new love can have the deepest effect on you, but he or she does not have super powers. The only person who is able to make you happy is you. A new love can give you the feeling that everything is alright, but does not solve any problems. However, this does not mean your life has to be 100% on track before you start dating. But you should be able to love yourself, your shortcomings included.
You must be your own, before you can be anyone else’s.
Feelings and being vulnerable
Having a relationship with someone other than yourself means sharing your feelings with someone other than yourself. Talking about your feelings is the foundation of a relationship: being open and honest. But before that you have to be open and honest to yourself, let emotions in and accept your feelings. Do not be scared to be vulnerable and do not worry about what other people might think of you: how you feel matters.
Being sensitive is natural, you do not have to fix or hide it. You are not broken.”
Unrest
No relationship is perfect. Love is not going to give you rest, the opposite is true. You are not alone in a relationship; you do not only have to deal with your own emotions and expectations, but also the emotions and expectations of your significant other. Relationships can be hard and ask a lot from you. Fights, conflicts and disagreements are part of every relationship. Of course, this can be worth it, but when you are not ready for it, it can become too much. A relationship should make you happy.
Giving love
A relationship is about giving and taking. But how can you love someone, if you do not even love yourself? When you love yourself and when you know you are on the right track, it is more likely that you are genuinely happy for someone else. No jealousy, no comparing and no suspicion: loving someone right from the heart. These positive feelings promote gratitude and will help you to be open up.
There are different kinds of emotions. These emotions are divided in six primary emotions; anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness and surprise. These primary emotions are universal, this means that in the whole world these emotions are the same. Emotions affect the pursuit of your well-being. Positive emotions restore and maintain the healthy balance of your body functions. Negative emotions disturb this balance. Stimulating the positive emotions helps you to look at things more positive. Also you will remember information better.
Striving for goals
Feeling and accepting emotions encourage you to move. Every person strives for this wish and tries to bridge the gap between his wish and the reality. This gap consists of goals, desires and expectations. If reality matches with this, we can experience strong positive feelings. Reality means: is it attainable for the person. Do not ask too much of yourself. If the gap between reality and our goals, desires and expectations is too big we experience more negative feelings. The reason for this is because it is hard to realize your goals, you have to work harder and you do not get the result you wanted. By setting achievable goals you will notice that you will have positive emotions. These emotions will help you with the progress towards your wish, the development of yourself and the achievement of your goals.
Healthiness
Emotions influence how you can achieve your goals. Also, emotions influence your health, especially with how emotions reflect on yourself. Negative emotions reflect in transpiring, palpitations and vibration of your body. These body reflections are reactions of stress. But also internal consequences like, bowel complaints, disturbance of your blood pressure and blood flow. These reactions and disturbances can stay long after the emotional incident. Because of this, the healthy balance of your body will be disturbed. There has also been a lot of research on the influence of positive emotions on your health. There is prove that when you are thinking positive, you will think more creative. Your brain is making more creative connections. Because of these connections you will have a more positive look and you will feel better.
“There is no change from darkness to light
from stagnation to movement without emotion”
– Carl Gustav Jung.
A big part of psychology focuses on the negative sides of behavior. Psychologists Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalhy wanted to change that, they raised the philosophy of positive psychology. Positive psychology concentrates on the positive side of the brain, focusing on positive experiences, positive characteristics and positive intuitions. All scientifically supported!
What is happiness
Happiness is a combination of overall satisfaction and feeling good on a daily basis. Even though most of us believe that happiness depends on circumstances, it only determines 10 percent of our happiness. Genetics are the most important factor, it determines your happiness for even 50 percent. However, that does not mean you have no influence in it, 40 percent of happiness is dependent of your thoughts, actions and behavior! Read more about it in this blog post.
What happiness is not
Being happy is more than just ‘feeling good’. You can be sad, and still be happy. And you can feel cheerful, without being happy. It is nice to feel good, but it will not give you enough satisfaction. You want to reach your goals and give meaning to your life too. Also, being happy does not mean that you should forget or ignore negative experiences, it means you realize that these experiences are there and give them a place in your heart too.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Happy and healthy
Happiness is not only good for your mental health, it also works for your physical health. Research has shown that happy people suffer less from cardiovascular diseases (Applied Psychology: Health and Wellbeing, 2011). They also live longer, heal faster, have a better working immune system and a healthier diet. In addition it is healthier to be constantly happy on a moderate level than experiencing happy peaks (Emotion, 2012).
How happy are we?
The Netherlands does well in the international ranking of happiness! We are in sixth place of happiest countries of the world. No less than 88 percent of Dutch adults report to be happy. Health, work and relationships seem to be the determining factors (Volkskrant, 2017). Money and income seem less important. Norway can call themselves the happiest country in the world, in the past years Denmark used to be the happiest.
Niceday app
Describe your feelings and thoughts in the app. Analyze it after a week, to what extent does your thinking pattern influence your happiness?
Most of us know by now that regular exercise and practicing sports is part of a healthy lifestyle. However, participating in sports also has an influence on your mental health. Sport fanatics have been reporting for a long time that exercising is a great mood booster. Luckily for us, you don’t have to be a crazy sport fanatic to attain the positive influences on your mental health.
Sports and mood
Sports can boost your mood in different ways. First, there is the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes you feel good after your weekly run. A different way is that sports can work as a great distractor. This way it can support you during stressful periods. Sports can also boost your mood in a indirect way by improving your sleep. People who exercise fall asleep earlier and have a deeper sleep cycle. this in turn, leads to more energy and a better mood the next day.
Sports help you fight mental problems
As noted earlier, sports are great for their supportive function during periods of stress. Besides that, sports and exercising seem to be a protective factor against mental issues like depression or burn-out. Recent research showed that running therapy can be an effective treatment for people who suffer from a burn-out. A meta study by martinsen(2005) even showed that the effects of exercise therapy match those of antidepressants, for the treatment of light to moderate forms of depression.
Building confidence with sports
Besides the advantages mentioned above, sport also has a positive influence on your self-confidence and self-image. Research showed that people who regularly sport and exercise have a better self-image, even if they don’t lose any weight.
Sports also enhance your strength, a variety of skills like hand eye coordination and your endurance. This helps to make you feel better about yourself, increasing your confidence.
A final note is that team sports are a casual and fun way to socially interact with people. Participating in a team can also help to boost your confidence.
