Everyone feels insecure from time to time, you probably do too. But some people suffer so much from insecurity that it affects their daily life. If you feel insecure, you may, for example, have doubts about whether you’re doing things right or whether you are good enough. Insecurity is a broad concept and can be expressed in different ways. You can be insecure about your performance at work, about your appearance, about your social skills, about certain purchases and so on. Some people are better at disguising it than others, but the fact is that everyone is insecure at some point, and that takes a lot of tension and energy. How can you best deal with feelings of insecurity and make sure they do not get in the way of your happiness?

Invisible insecurity

You probably know the standard image of someone who is insecure, namely the type who literally and figuratively keeps themselves in the background. The interesting thing is that someone who is in the foreground and throws their knowledge and skills into the fray can be just as insecure! So someone can appear to be dominant, and at the same time be insecure. Many people have a certain urge to prove themselves in order to get approval from other people. The urge for approval from others often comes from a place of insecurity.

Allow insecurity

It may sound strange and vague, but your insecurity is allowed to be there. You don’t have to suppress, deny or ignore these feelings. If you resist your feelings, they will only take up more space. Rather, stand still for a moment and think about how you feel and observe what is happening inside of you. What are you thinking, what do you feel and where in your body do you feel that? By paying attention to this, instead of suppressing it, it will start to consume you less. By dwelling on it for a moment, you hit the pause button, so to speak, and you are less likely to get caught up in a negative stream of thoughts.

Normalise

If you feel insecure, it can be helpful to remember that everyone in the world knows how you feel. You are not alone in this, even though it can sometimes feel that way. To find out that you are not alone, the following experiment can be fun to do:

Ask your friends/partner/family members if they have ever felt insecure and if so, about what. Ask everyone to name different situations in which they have felt insecure and reflect on what they are currently feeling insecure about. By talking openly with each other about this, insecurity will be normalized and you will eventually value it less. You will realize that you are not alone and that everyone suffers from this from time to time. This way there is more compassion and understanding for others and yourself!

Doubt rises when we have to make a decisions. However, sometimes that doubt prevails.  You enter the vicious circle of doubting. In this blog I explain why you should stop with doubting is a good resolution. 

Doubting can make you uncertain about every action you try to take or every thought you get about daily decisions. It doesn’t only have to be about decisions, but also about ourselves. Doubting can cause us to end up in a vicious circle of negative thoughts. Which, in turn may hinder our personal growth. In the mind of a doubter it is so busy with thoughts that one listens less to one’s own intuition. 

When do we start to doubt?

  • Afraid of making a wrong decision: it is difficult to make the right choice when two different consequences can occur. Suppose you have to make a choice between going  out with friends or having dinner with the family. In one situation you have a good time with friends, but you feel sorry that you didn’t go out to dinner with your family. This can cause you to doubt, because you are not sure whether you have made the right choice.
  • Worry: people who doubt can think endlessly. Every worry that comes to mind reinforces the feeling of doubt. Have you also noticed that the longer you think, the more you start to doubt? Every worrying thought makes you think about the situation: what can happen, what if I don’t do it or what if it doesn’t end well?
  • Low self-confidence: we often doubt, because we doubt ourselves. When there is little self-confidence, it is often difficult to make a choice. The more self-confidence you have, the easier it is to make a decision.

What happened to the way we think and act when we are in doubt?

Doubting is a cognitive process that can sometimes cause negative emotions. If you try to make a choice between two options, feelings of doubt can take over. When both options have different advantages and disadvantages, it is difficult to make a choice based on those (dis)advantages. With this in mind it reinforces the sense of doubt. In addition, you also experience negative emotion if you have not made the right choice. 

Tips to stop doubting

  1. Dare to make a choice: try to base the choice you make on what you like and not on what others think of it. Don’t be afraid to make the wrong choice
  2. Be active: by actively looking for what makes you doubt. Always ask yourself: what do I need to doubt less? An answer can be: make a decision. Too much thinking makes it increasingly difficult for you to make a decision. If it happens that you made a mistake by making a wrong decision, no problem! You can learn from a mistake!
  3. Listen to yourself: ask yourself what you really want. Believe in your own intuition to make the right choice. It is okay to experience feelings of doubt. Learn to acknowledge and accept these feelings.
  4. Be kind to yourself: it can happen that you set the bar very high for yourself when making a decision. Learn to accept that you are good the way you are. More ideas in het blog: Treat yourself as how you would treat a friend.

Niceday App

Write in a journal in the NiceDay App which doubts you have. What has worked for you to stop doubting? What kind of feelings do you have when in doubt? And what do you need to stop doubting?

Every day we make a lot of choices. It already starts with the alarm clock, will you wake up or snooze a little longer? And what are you going to do next? Will you wear your blue or your black t-shirt? What are you going to have for breakfast? Are you even going to have breakfast? All of these choices are probably easy for you and will barely take any consideration. But some choices are more complicated. How do you deal with that?

Identify your choices

The first step in decision making is to identify the choices. Answer the four questions: what are the choices, why am I making this choice, how do I make a choice and when do I need to choose? Evaluate all of the options and consider whether these choices are realizable.

The consequences of your choices

The next step is to think about the consequences of your choices. To what extent does a choice have impact on your life? Describe for yourself what will change for each choice and consider how important that change is for you. Also think about what you want to change and what you want to stay the same. Take a look at the pros and cons of each choice: Can you sum up everything you like about a choice (in detail)?

Success story

Describe for each choice how the choice can lead to a success story. Can you achieve successes with the choices you have? And what is the level of success or the probability of success? Consider what you care about the most and base your decision on it.

(Don’t) listen to the people around you

Think about what you want to do, instead of automatically choosing what you should do. What if there aren’t any rules and you dare to do everything you want to? Do you have beliefs preventing you from choosing what you want? Or do the people around you have expectations of you? Do you actually allow yourself to choose right?

But the people around you can also positively affect your choice. They can support you in making the right decision, share experiences and let you see your choices in a different light. You can use this information when making your decision.

Get on with it

Sometimes we’re so afraid to make a choice, that we don’t. The most choices we make aren’t definite, so try not to worry about it. Is choosing stressful and you simply can’t decide? Get on with it and choose, or let somebody else choose instead. Think about it, but set a deadline. It might be a risk, but look at it as a learning experience when you chose wrong.

May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears  Nelson Mandela

NiceDay: Do you have to make a difficult decision? Write in your diary how you deal with it or discuss it with you professional.