Your path of life has many ups and downs. Periods with peaks are pleasant. A period of feeling down may be a difficult period for you. Yet the path of life offers us the opportunity to learn and develop our own wisdom.

As a child you learn from others who you are and who you should be. You will be rewarded by others, such as your parents, for doing something that is appreciated. You will get good grades at school if you do exactly what you are asked for.

You gradually develop your values: the ideals and beliefs that you see as valuable. These values ​​give direction, purpose, meaning and passion to life.

As you get older you get the chance to reinvent yourself. This happens especially during periods of setbacks and in situations that really matter, such as the loss of a loved one or in times when physical or mental problems arise. Usually you ask yourself: why do I do what I do?

Do I really pursue my own goals or do I try to do what others expect of me? What do I want to invest more time to and what things I want to say goodbye to? What do I appreciate in the other person and in myself? Finding an answer to these questions requires your own wisdom.

Develop your own wisdom: take a pause 

You develop your own wisdom by regularly reflecting on what you do, think and feel. Take a pen and notebook regularly and write down: what gives you energy and what costs energy? What do you want to say “yes” to more often? And to which thing do you what to say “no”, so that you make room for what is really important to you?

Exercise: choose your values

You can also become wiser by re-examining your values. This can be done with a value selector. It helps to make more conscious choices. The Value Selector can help you with this.

Setbacks are a part of life and every person responds differently to setbacks. Some people get over it quite easily while others find it harder to process. They may even get depressed, depending on the issue. Core beliefs, such as “see, I am clumsy” play an important role in this process. Because research has shown that small incidents regularly play a role in the development of depression for some people. A colleague with whom you get along quite okay but who is suddenly ignoring you, rejection after a first date or you being clumsy at a wrong time are examples of small incidents which can have a big impact.

“See, im indeed…” reflex

This is a reflex that occurs during trivial moments, according to clinical psychologist Claudi Bockting. “See, I am not nice enough” for example can be a reflex that pops up and can reinforce the strong negative feelings that someone already has. We all have a set of those reflexes that make us more vulnerable. It is no surprise that most of those reflexes date back to our childhood; an absent parent or certain life experiences are often the source of those reflexes. In psychology, these reflexes are called core beliefs. In general it is very useful to have certain rules of life because it helps you to recognize responses from the people around you faster. “I was a bit hard on my partner” if you notice that your partner is irritated for example. People who are prone to depression or anxiety complaints often have rules that are much more strict. According to Bockting, their core beliefs are much more extreme and more rigid. This makes it very difficult for these people to change their mindset if a situation changes or something happens.

Dysfunctional core beliefs

If you notice that you are regularly upset by relatively unimportant events, it could be an indication that a dysfunctional core belief is the root of the problem. A few examples of dysfunctional thoughts are:

“If anything can go wrong, it will.”
“See, I’m a failure.”
“People always leave me.”
“I am useless.”

Creating new core beliefs

The good news is that you can develop new core beliefs or thoughts to counter your dysfunctional thoughts. This prevents you from spiralling into a black hole. If you keep thinking that “If anything can go wrong, it will”, you will only be focussed on the things that can go wrong. This means that whenever you are successful, you will think that it is a coincidence. In recent years, Bockting has developed cognitive training for people who had to deal with recurrent depression. She examined their dysfunctional core beliefs and created “dream core beliefs”. You can see them as a counterpart to the dysfunctional rules. Bockting indicates that the dream core belief does not necessarily have to be realistic, because the strict living rules you have are also not always realistic. Once you have established a dream rule, you can try to visualise it as much as possible and fantasise about it. Do this as extensively as possible. According to Bockting, this worked for her clients. This allows you to try out new situations with new rules that can help you in your life.

NiceDay app

Do you want to get started with exploring your core beliefs? Use the NiceDay journal entries. You can also plan when you want to fantasise about your “dream rules”. Good luck!